Weekend Warrior

It has been a whirlwind week. Sick child, doctor appointments, sick mom, school, broke down car, final exam for school, work, and soccer practice. We haven’t been home one night this week and I am TIRED. We have soccer and bowling tomorrow and I will try to cut the grass and trim the bushes between the rain showers they are calling for. Don’t forget the laundry and cleaning the house. It’s a never ending cycle if you ask me.

But where would I be if it wasn’t for all this stuff that is my life? Nothing is better than cheering on a child running up and down a field doing their best or stepping up to the line and letting go of the ball and getting a strike or even a spare. I find cutting the grass therapeutic and thanks to modern technology I have electric hedge trimmers and I know how to use them. I haven’t figure out the joy in cleaning the bathrooms or the kitchen yet but the smell of freshly laundered clothes gives me a great sense of satisfaction.

If I’m lucky I’ll get my nails done and get to love on my granddaughter for a little while before the weekend is over and I start this ride on the hamster wheel all over again.

Whatever is your routine this weekend I hope you make the most of it and remember to count it all joy that you have the things you have and the people you do in your life at this moment.

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:2-4)

Warmest blessings,

Kimberly

Daily Devotional

Narrow your focus, beloved.

Refuse to allow your attention to be scattered in all directions.

And, do not allow your focus to be on your trouble or current dilemma.

This is a time to look squarely into My face, deliver your prayer with earnest faith, and trust Me to answer, says the Lord.

Release yourself from all anxiety and worry.

But He said to them, "It is I; do not be afraid." (John 6:20)

Friday Upheaval

My morning at home started just fine and today when I got to work I found out that my boss resigned and I went through a gamut of emotions. I went from fine, to shocked, to mad, and now I am sad. I know that life is short and things have an order but this particular move came out of left field. Yesterday we were planning for his next trip and today there will be no more trips.

What really gets to me was just how much I’ve grown to care for him in the past two years. We had a great relationship and I have the highest level of respect for him as my boss and as a person. I know this had to have been a tough decision for him and so I don’t take it lightly that he felt the need to leave. I wish him the best in his new job.

What I am going to miss the most is that he wasn’t really a boss to me as much as he was a mentor, a role model and a champion for me. He pushed me to think and look outside the box and when I tried to limit myself he always gave me a nudge to keep it going. He believed that I could go back to school and do well and so he took the financial hit on his bottom line to support me in that endeavor and he was very much interested in my grades and how well I was doing.

Work/life balance was important to him and he pursued it and made sure I did as well. Not many bosses have that mindset. I was spoiled and somehow I don’t think I will get that this next go round but I could be wrong.

This just might be another turn in the road from God to get me stirred up and on the right path.

The next few weeks will be interesting ones and I look forward to what they will bring.

One Week

A week ago I felt my world was falling apart. My son was sent to jail, the girls were fighting and mad at me, my marriage is over and the residual effects of that are draining me emotionally, I’m going through perimenopause so my emotions are all over the place and I felt alone. To top it off I had hopes of having lunch with a friend who had to cancel and as understandable as it was it took me spiraling down into the depths of hell. I cried most of the weekend and felt like I wanted to be anywhere but here.

It was the perfect opportunity for me to reach out and say I need to talk but instead I withdrew into my shell and went it alone. I made it through the weekend but it was time wasted instead of shared. It was miserable instead of comforting and therapeutic. I did have a few people who reached out to me and gave me words of advice and tried to steer me back on the right path and that did help but I was my own worst enemy at that point. I was determined to take the blame and heap it on my shoulders. I wanted to wallow in my misery and pain because it’s all I know. It’s like Linus’ blanket. My miseries, my hell, and my life’s failures all bring me comfort.

The idea of happiness, peace and joy are unfamiliar to me but something I advocate strongly for in the lives of others.

Today I am better. Things haven’t changed but my mindset has. Instead of wanting to wallow I am pulling myself out of the pit and advocating for myself. I want to be able to find something meaningful out of all of this and to reflect back on this time and be able to see where God has brought me from and feel blessed and loved like I know that I am. I want to stop going it alone.

So it is 6:00 on Saturday morning and I am embracing the fact that I am wide awake due to night sweats and in the midst of writing this have been having hot flashes because it’s all a part of my life and I am loving it good, bad and indifferent!

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

Together

" I advocate that every woman be a part of a circle that meets at least once a month or, if you can’t do that, once every two months or every four months. But you have to have a circle, a group of people – smart, wise, can-do women – who are in the world doing their work, and you need to meet with them as often as you can so that they can see what you’re doing and who you are, and you can see the same. And you can talk to each other about the world and about your lives in a circle of trust and safety. It’s crucial. It is crucial for our psychological health and our spiritual growth. It’s essential." Alice Walker

"If we’re by ourselves we come to feel crazy and alone. We need to make alternate families of small groups of women who support each other, talk to each other regularly, can speak their truths and their experiences and find they’re not alone in them, that other women have them too…It makes such a huge difference." Gloria Steinem

The idea of a group of women coming together to share is so foreign to me. So scary and unthinkable but over the past few months it is something I have been hungering for. It is a need I have that has to be fulfilled. It’s only taken me forty-seven years to realize that this life was meant to be shared with other women and to embrace that knowledge.

In all honesty I intentionally stayed away from women because I have been hurt through the years by friends and instead of forging ahead embracing the situation for what it was and learning from it I slowly built up a wall keeping everyone out. Living this life alone for the most part, walking out this journey all alone. Now as I look around I find that those walls that I built to protect me have actually isolated me and left me by myself.

I am so hungry for that connection again and am struggling to find it. I have found that I am not alone in my situation. There are so many of us that have been hurt, been too busy, too isolated and too afraid to venture forth and say I need or would like to have a circle of friends that I can share life’s experiences with. But as Alice and Gloria stated it is crucial and makes such a huge difference in our lives.

Sharing is what our ancestors did. It is how they got through some of their toughest times and yet here we stand going it alone. Trying to do it all on our own and failing miserably because we have to learn lessons that others have experience and knowledge of that could make a difference in our lives if only we took time to sit down and have a conversation.

When is the last time you had a gathering with your girlfriends?

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

Daily Devotional

Trust Me to lift you up when you're down.

Believe that I am vitally interested in your life, and I see those things which concern you.

I am with you to help you get up and proceed on the path of life--eternal life and eternal joy.

It is My will to establish you in peace and strength.

Receive My help and rise up to a new level of confidence and faith that I will not leave you or forsake you.

You are precious to Me, says the Lord. Be established in that truth.

Deuteronomy 31:8 "And the LORD, He is the one who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed."



This devotional gave me peace and made me "feel". I felt myself open up just enough to receive His love and the truthfulness of His words.

Counseling 101

The counselor is in and I had a session yesterday. I thought I would go in and purge my soul and everything would be just fine but I had a hard time talking to her yesterday. I bounced all over the place talking about the girls, Jamar, work, school, etc. but never zeroing in on anything specific. So, although it was therapeutic in a way it was frustrating because I still walked out of there feeling out of sorts. I wanted to solve all the problems I’m facing and barely scratched the surface.

The more I try to let things out the tighter I seem to be holding on to them. I don’t understand that. One would think that I would be ready to let go of it all. I feel that there is more at stake here than me opening up and releasing my inner demons. There is a war being fought and I’m just the pawn being shuffled all over the board. Something life altering is going to happen if I break through this current trial. I’m reading things that are making me aware that I am so much more than I have ever given myself credit for and I am trying to truly embrace those truths for the first time in my life.

My level of understanding has broadened and I am hungering to read more and let it sink into my soul. Although little things still cause big hurts I know that they are just distractions of the enemy and I am trying hard not to give in to them. Things are coming together in some areas and falling apart in others but I don’t expect a perfect life; never had one so why should I expect it now. What I am aiming for is the ability to roll with whatever comes my way without allowing it to send me into a tailspin or making it my truth when in reality it is a lie or trick of the enemy.

My breakthrough for the week is that I am not perfect but I’m not as bad as I have believed all these years. I have also finally started grasping the meaning of Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”

Now I need to start the healing process of all those wounds, lies and judgments I inflicted on myself and start embracing His word and His love.

Words of Wisdom

In an effort to move forward out of my mess I went to the beach yesterday to visit my grandmother. I just needed to be around her and get some of her wisdom. I wanted to share what was burdening me down so much and I just had to get away from the house and all the drama the has unfolded there over the past few days.

Somehow I knew that Nana would have something to say that would resonate with me. Something that I could relate to and possibly grasp a hold of and move forward out of this hellish hole I’m in. I was not to be disappointed. One does not live 87 years without gaining experience and trust in God while raising 9 children and over 100 grandchildren, great grandchildren and great, great grandchildren.

Although she knows a great deal about what is happening I didn’t tell her everything but she shared with me a prayer she has prayed for the last 30 years over her family and therefore she doesn’t worry because she knows that God has everything in control. She answered my questions with deep conviction and simplicity and it made me feel good about her life and all that she has accomplished in a quiet and unassuming way. There are no awards on the shelves for what she’s done but she has found great joy in the simple life she has lived taking it one day at a time and making the most out of it. She found her purpose and she has lived it without regret or recriminations.

She has had her share of sorrow, death and disappointments but she has not let them define her or her life. She has taken them in stride and continues to forge ahead one day at a time without complaint. What a role model. Yet she calls me the emotional one and understands that I take things to a much more extreme level than the others and that is ok. I can accept those words from her. She also feels I am much stronger than I give myself credit for and to some extent I agree but what I didn’t try to explain to her is that I’m tired of being the strong one. That I’m weighted down from it and just ready to dump it all off my shoulders and give up. Instead I just sat and absorbed her wisdom, her love and her support.

This is the prayer she shared with me that I will start praying over my family. Prayerfully I will let go and allow God to do his thing and stop worrying and fretting over everything and everyone.

Child of God I love you and bless you

Child of God, I love you. Beloved of God, I bless you. This moment, I set you free as I release all concern and anxiety about your well-being. In my mind’s eye I see you rising above any limited self-concept. I affirm the highest truth regarding your health, prosperity and affairs.

The love of my heart and the blessing of my prayers are gifts that I can give to you every day. Your strong victorious spirit pushes open the floodgate, allowing unwanted problems and conditions to dissolve in the cleansing tide of God’s love. Any barriers of separation or unresolved differences are washed away.

Through meditation and prayer, we are one in spirit, free from old bonds and limited concepts. Courage and joy replace guilt, resentment, and fear.

I behold you vitally alive in the now, restored, renewed, refreshed. Child of God, I love you and I bless you in prayer.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. (1John 3:1)

Falling apart

The tears came as soon as I read your note. Why am I crying? What’s this all about and then I realized just how much hope I had wrapped up in your visit. Just how needy I am for the companionship. I didn’t want to cry, feel angry or even sad but I couldn’t help it. I withdrew into my shell, crawled into bed and called it a night. It’s not that I didn’t understand it’s just that my need overtook my senses and I gave in to them.

I’m all over the place with my emotions these days. There is just so much locked inside that is screaming to come out and I don’t know how to do it. I don’t want to walk around feeling this way I just want to let it all out. I’m alone now. Kids all gone and I’m left with my thoughts; thoughts of failure, loneliness, need and defeat.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I seem to get things right? I just want someone to love me like I love everyone in my life. I just want my kids to grow up and be the best they can be. I just want to succeed at just one thing in my life and feel like I’m making a difference. Instead I feel like I’ve failed miserably at everything and let everyone including myself down. I’m so lost - so far out there I don’t know how to reel myself back in or if I want to be reeled in.

I didn’t know life; my life would be this hard, this crazy or overwhelming. I look all around me and I know that a lot of what I see isn’t how it truly is but it all looks so much better than what’s going on in my little world.

I don’t want this. I don’t want the loneliness or the time to myself. I want to be needed and wanted. Please God please take me away from this. I can’t do this much longer. I’m trying so hard but you have no idea just how difficult this is. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to come home. Why can’t I come home? What more do you have for me to do here? I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything and right now I’m not enjoying this in the least. I just want out. Right now! How much longer do I have to stay here and endure this life?

Please answer me. Talk to me, send me a sign that you hear me and that I’m not really here all alone. Tell me what you want me to do. How you want me to do it and let me know that I am making a difference that all that I am going through is not for nothing.

Why am I here? What am I accomplishing? There’s got to be more to life than this pain, these thoughts and feelings. I just want it to all stop being so chaotic and settle down. I’m so tired, so very tired.

The Invitation

by Canadian writer and teacher Oriah

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dreams for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes."

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Friday Blues

Today is Friday, the beginning of the weekend and I am tired, emotionally drained. So ready for the weekend and all that it entails that will keep me busy and my mind not focused on the issues at hand.

Days like today I’m so ready for His return and all of this to be over. I don’t want to think or feel anymore. I don’t want to have to try to deal with the swirling turbulent thoughts that are in my brain. I just want peace and quiet. Yet, that eludes me and I am left to deal with all that is happening around me.

It was a long hot night last night. The fan did nothing to dissipate the hot air. Sleep didn’t come easily and when it did it was full of dreams of varying degrees of distress. I loathe nights like that.

Yet I am here and so I will make the most of it.

This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24)

Gone Again...

Here we go again... five months lost, gone, never to be recouped in the life of a son gone rouge yet again. I don’t even know how to express how I feel about this latest twist of events in his life. I've been through so much with him and yet things are still happening.

What’s so heart-wrenching is that it is from the same stuff over and over again and the lesson just doesn’t seem to be learned.

How do you show up for court and blow a .07 at 9:00 in the morning? How do you get 4 tickets for driving on a suspended license and continue to drive. How do you get piss ass drunk every day and wake up to do it all over again? Why do you continuously hurt those that love you, lie to them, let them down and most of all slowly kill yourself one drink at a time?

Why is it that when you are sober you are a good son, brother, dad, boyfriend and friend to all those that know and love you but with each reach for alcohol you lose all sense of who you are in the name of having a good time. You have so much promise, so much love and bring us such joy during your sobriety only to throw it all away when you reach for the beer, the alcohol, the cigarettes and the "fun times" you think you're having while you are doing all of those things.

Oh son of mine if only I could save you from your demons; soothe away what hurts you and put you on the straight and narrow path towards freedom and peace of mind. I long for that with all my heart for you and hope that these next five months will be a time of enlightenment for you as you have to stare into the eyes of your child through a glass window.

My prayer will be for healing, for strength and for peace. My hope will be for change and rejuvenation. My desire is that you will be safe and that you will look to God to get you through this time.

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore. (Psalm 121)

Secrets in friendship

Lunch with a friend on Saturday was fabulous. We ate, drank, and talked for several hours. I had a ball. The shopping afterwards was really great and the time we spent working on a project she has in the works ended the day with a bang. As I made my way back to Richmond I had time to reflect on the day and how well it went but there was this nagging in my head that reminded me that it didn't really go as good as I was making out.

You see, although we talked, I kept the conversation light and easy. I didn't delve into the hard stuff that I'm dealing with and she didn't push although she could have and had that right. A couple of times I wanted to blurt some things out but I held back and that was wrong. But it was also eye opening.

I'm a master manipulator. I can manuever things so that everyone thinks their needs are being met by saying the right things but in reality I haven't really said anything at all.

No two friends of mine could sit down and tell you the same thing because they only know what I chose to tell them not necessarily the whole story or even the same part. Why?

My reasons are two-fold... One is to save myself from my fear of rejection and the second is to save them from having to carry the burden of my problem(s). See, I think I have it all worked out. If I don't tell them anything but the good stuff then life is grand. We walk away with this false sense that all is well when in reality it could be "hell in a handbasket" and secondly it keeps the friendship intact. I don't have to fear that they will be disappointed in me, that they will judge me or even yet that they will abandon me or hold me accountable because of my thoughts or my actions.

How crazy is that? Yet it is the way I've handled the majority of my friendships. Yes, I do say some things that are pertinent and pretty open but there are so many more squelched down inside waiting to come out but unable to make it past my lips. Always wanting to be the good friend, the proper lady, the upstanding citizen never could I divulge my deepest, darkest thoughts or secrets.

Besides who would want to hear them and what purpose would they serve other than purging them from my system? Could we really talk about them openly? Would you understand? Would you even be so forthcoming about your own thoughts and feelings?

I have to wonder am I the only one holding back or do others censor their friendships too?

Aren't we all good at that? Don't we have our friends that we tell certain things to but not others?

Do you censor what you say, how you say it and when you say it? I do. I did.

Shopaholic

I am a shopaholic! There, I said it and I'm not taking it back. I have a love/hate relationship with shopping. I love to do it but hate what it does to my checking account!

It doesn't matter if it's grocery shopping, clothes shopping, or shoe shopping if it requires me to spend time walking around aimlessly putting items in my shopping cart, on and off my body and eventually making my way to a register to let go of my hard earned money I am there.

My saving grace is I am a thrifty shopper. I utilize every avenue possible to save money while giving it away. I use coupons both paper and electronic, buy sale items only and don't let it be BOGO because I am all over that.

However, after I have made it home and found room, usually in someone else's closet for my purchases I'm left with that feeling of emptiness again and the need to fill it starts to well up inside of me and before I know it I'm on the hunt for something else and so I turn to the computer. Amazon knows me by name and iTunes is my best friend. Thankfully I've learned to download music from YouTube but still this compulsion needs to stop.

I must admit that I come by this trait honestly. My older sister is a "reforming" shopaholic. I don't know what fueled her passion for spending/buying but it was nothing for us to spend a day together going from store to car to store again and having a blast in the process.

Now that I'm flying solo it is still an itch that has to be scratched at least a couple of times a week. Need milk? I'm there but I never leave with just the items I came for. I always find something else we NEED.

Part of this compulsion I know comes from fear. A deep-seeded fear of not having. There was a time when I couldn't go shopping. Not even for the necessities in life and often went without food or clothing to make ends meet. So I understand that I am satisfying that fear when I buy the things that I need and some of the things I want since I went for so long without them but the other side is much deeper than that. What that driving factor is I'm not sure but I know there is one otherwise it wouldn't keep coming back.

In the meantime, suffice it to say, we won't run out of food, clothing or household goods anytime soon.

Can a sister get some help here!!!

If leaving me is easy

It wasn't like I intentionally walked away but I got so caught up in life and what was happening and one thing led to another and before I knew it I was a couple of miles down the road.

Instead of turning around and heading back in the direction I came I kept going forward thinking that there was no reason for me to go back after all I had come this far what was the use in trying to change things.

Now I find myself wanting to go back but I've gone so far I don't know that I can. I know it's me that did the leaving but now it's me that wants to also do the coming back but I don't know how. It's not like I can show up on his doorstep, ring the bell and say "Hi, it's me and I'd like to come home." How easy that would be.

Although there is forgiveness to be found the road of repentance will not be an easy one but I want to go back home into the comfort and safety of His arms.

Music speaks the words I can't seem to find for myself. This song by Phil Collins tells how I feel in my relationship with Heavenly Father right now. Coming back is harder especially when you didn't know you had left.

I read all the letters
I read each word that you've sent to me
And though it's past now and the words start to fade
All the memories I have still remain

I've kept all the pictures but I hide my feelings so no one knows
Oh sure my friends all come round but I'm in a crowd on my own
It's 'cause you're gone now but your heart, heart still remains
And it'll be here if you come again

You see I'd heard the rumours, I knew before you let me know
But I didn't believe it, not you, no you would not let me go
Seems I was wrong but I love, I love you the same
And that's the one thing that you can't take away but just remember

If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder

If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder

Reconnecting

I've reconnected with a couple of friends since restarting my blogging efforts and am pleased to say I have had lunch with two and a visit with another. It has done my heart a world of good to be in the company of these women.

I am having lunch on Saturday with another friend and can't wait to get fed the food my soul has been clamoring for as she is so full of wisdom and usually it is from God's mouth to her lips and into my ears.

I'm just sorry its taken me this long to get it together and reach out to them and say something. Although several friends have moved on I am ok with it. In some instances I understand and even if I don't it doesn't really matter. If I allow myself to get all caught up in the whys of the situations I will just drive myself crazy and since I'm already there I figure I'll leave that one alone.

I was hurt to lose one very special friend but I know that she had a lot going on in her life when I took my hiatus away from everyone and I also allowed my guilt about another situation keep me from reaching out. I have learned that I should just go ahead and put myself out there; after all, the worse that could happen is that we go our separate ways but at least I would have done the right thing...

I look forward to catching up with a few more over the next couple of months now that the weather is changing and people will feel better about getting on the road and taking short trips to share a little food, a lot of conversation and love with one another.

Reconnecting is a wonderful thing and I am blessed to be able to have done it before it was too late.

Monday Snowy Monday

Wow, what a day. It started with an unexpected snow day that was really just a monkey wrench in my plans. All signs of snow were gone by 10:00 but I was home with the kids for the long-haul. The day grew long and draining as they clamored to be entertained. I thought I was beyond having to entertain but obviously not. Sigh!

When I wasn’t the entertainment and between answering emails, updating calendars and checking voicemail, I was the referee as they fought over who played what games on the wii, the DSI’s or whose turn it was to pick what to watch on TV. Never did a Monday seem so long. By 2:00 I’d had enough and retreated to my room to no avail. The constant knocking to ask yet one more question just made me blow an internal gasket.

I got up and started laundry to everyone’s dismay because that meant work on their part sorting, untucking and carrying them down to the laundry room. If only they had listened and let me be… Dinner, showers, pack lunches and to bed. Thank you God!

I was so tired and frazzled I soon joined them but for the life of me couldn’t get to sleep. My head would not shut down. I was befuddled and befumbled with voices from the day. I put on some soothing music, lit a candle and eventually went off to sleep but not without silently rehashing the moments of the day when I truly enjoyed my time with them – 5:00 in the morning when I checked on them and they were all asleep and 9:00 tonight when again all was quiet and no one needed, wanted, begged, cried, screamed, threatened or cajoled another into getting their way. Oh the joys of parenthood.

Love? Pt. 2

And because I didn't say all that I wanted to say in my first post because I'm still leery about this new found freedom to write, I'm being convicted. So here is the rest of what I truly wanted to say.

No one should have to beg someone to love them. We have the greatest love of all - the love of God and that is enough for us. Although some of us (me) have yet to discover and/or embrace this, it is still there. It is more than enough and it won't hurt us or let us down like the love of the world.

I know that this is true with all my heart but it doesn't matter when my emotions are all caught up in the worldly love. The love that makes my heart skip a beat when I hear his voice, read his text messages or hear that song that is exclusively ours. Nor does it matter when you are a child longing for the love of a parent, a friend or a sibling. All you want is the here and now. The ache is so real you can touch it and all you want is for it to be filled and in your mind that person is the only one that can fill it.

That may be true for the moment but over time the needs rises up again and that person is no longer capable of filling the void and bitterness and resentment comes into play. Disappointment follows you around and if you're not careful you start searching for the next thing that will fulfill you, albeit temporarily, yet again.

I'm speaking my truth. My journey. The fact that I have searched and searched and searched without having found fulfillment in my longing to be loved; to feel completely loved, understood and accepted for who I am. And because of that there has always been this sense of emptiness and worthlessness that has followed me. I have never felt that kind of love although I have come close with my Dad but he was taken away from me and the void grew even stronger.

I've done my share of discarding people because they couldn't give me what I was continuously searching for. I think that is why I became a nurturer. If I couldn't get the love I needed then I could certainly give it to those around me. And so I have spent my life giving, giving and giving in hopes that it would ease the ache and divert me from what I'm searching for.

And yet I still want it; crave it and make vain attempts at finding it when it is right before me. I am ashamed, yet I am human. I am sorry but I am still needy. I want and therefore I go after it in all the wrong places for it is here. Right here; yet I reject it because it is more than I can handle.

I am fearful for I have spent a lifetime searching and find it so hard to fathom that it is truly within my grasp and I can have it if I but give in to it. And yet I can't. I'm not ready. There is still so much I am wrestling with inside of myself. Most of all my worthiness to receive it. I know that I don't have to be worthy just willing to accept it but in my mind... therein lies the problem that I do not know how to overcome.

Love?

The chorus to the song “I can’t make you love me” sung by various artists, most recently Tank, ran round my head all weekend for several reasons.

I can’t make you love me if you don’t. I can’t make your heart feel something it won’t. Here in the dark, in these final hours I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power; but you won’t. No you won’t cuz’ I can’t make you love me if you don’t.

These words say a lot about my relationships yesterday and today. They take me on a trip back down memory lane to how I’ve spent my time trying to force relationships to be all that I wanted them to be instead of accepting them for what they were and just being thankful that I got what I did instead of what I longed for to the present where I find myself once again (in a different way) wanting from someone something I can’t have but long for.

And then again it was brought to my attention as I watched my son and his girlfriend this weekend go through changes in their relationship that I can relate to. I see what they are going through and want to share the wisdom that I have accumulated over the years to help them navigate through this rough time they are going through and with a baby involved nonetheless, yet feel inadequate in my ability to do so because it is still something I continue to struggle with.

Through the years I have learned that love is more an action verb than a noun. It is not passive and it requires a lot of work. It is also a choice and when someone chooses to stop loving another individual essentially unless they change their mind there isn’t much you can do except accept their decision and pray. Pray that in time they will change their mind or that God will intercede and things will work themselves out if that is His plan for your life and that if it is not in His will that you will be free to move on from the emotions that envelope you and make you long for that which is not for you.

But being the carnal creatures that we are a lot of us will go through great lengths to coerce the other party into loving us to the detriment of ourselves and others involved. Girls end up pregnant and men stalk women and both get crazed out of their minds in an attempt to force a relationship that just isn’t there any longer and perhaps never really was. This is where you determine whether or not it was love or lust; a passing fancy or the real deal.

I have learned that love isn’t just about feelings because they do wane after a while. It should be based on a much stronger foundation. Friendship is the true basis of a loving relationship. When there is friendship first there is something to fall back on as time passes, the emotions die down and the hustle and bustle of life interjects itself into the equation.

Love is also about forgiveness and sacrifice. Sometimes we have to forgive those that we love because they will inevitably do something to hurt us intentional or not for we are all human and fall short at one time or another. Sacrifice comes into play when we have to give of ourselves and sometimes get nothing in return but that too is ok because in the end it all works itself out. I am guilty of not doing either in some of my past relationships and as a result they ceased to function and died.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing if we can take the lessons learned and bring them forward and apply them to our current and future situations. As for right now, I am torn between wanting someone to love me the way I want/need to be loved and accepting the friendship that is being offered.

Accepting the friendship is the right thing to do but the void that has been there all my life waiting to be filled will still be there. I know it is a void that only God can fill but until I heal this relationship with Him and allow it to progress to what it should be it will remain.

Funny how I know the answer; I know what needs to be done but I resist because I want what I want instead of what is the appropriate thing. There are other forces at work that make this a difficult choice. Satan knows what I’m longing for and he’s dangling it in front of me. Making me desire it more than what I really truly need (temptation) and I have to resist and be stronger than the enemy at this time.

So instead of trying to take matters into my own hands I need to look to the One that already has it worked out according to His will. Oh what a hard lesson that is to learn.

In the meantime, as these words ruminate in my mind a little while longer hopefully I will find new meaning in them instead of the sadness and longing they currently instill.

Uncomfortable

Uncomfortable is defined as causing or feeling unease or awkwardness.

When I talk about my truth do I make you feel uncomfortable? When I put it out there for the whole world to see does that make you uncomfortable? If I were talking to you one on one about these things would you be uncomfortable that I chose you to reveal my emotions to?

Uncomfortable has been resonating in my brain for the past couple of days since I decided to just put myself out there once again and so I have to ask is it me or is it you that is experiencing this feeling?

I was having a conversation the other day with a friend and every time I mentioned something about myself the other party changed the subject. The first time it happened I thought it was just a coincidence so I deliberately did it again a couple more times and got the same result and that led me to know that she was uncomfortable with me sharing personal details of my life with her. I couldn’t figure out why since it wasn’t anything of great importance. Very basic information and certainly not scandalous by any stretch of the imagination and so it got me wondering...

If it was happening to me in such an innocent situation how many other women have experienced something similar and how has it affected them and their ability to share their world with others due to the fact that others appear uncomfortable with their sharing?

Why do you feel uncomfortable? Is it because you can empathize with my feelings or is it because you’re so caught up in your life that you don’t want to be distracted by what might be going on in someone else’s? Suppose it’s a combination of the two – you can relate but you’re also too busy to be in a position to offer assistance or support. Let’s really step out there and say you feel uncomfortable because you simply don’t care to hear about my issues – then what?

It is not my intention to make anyone feel uncomfortable whatever the reason and so if I do I apologize that it makes you feel that way but I can’t take it back. In fact, it will probably get deeper from here.

For whatever reason I feel compelled to share, to question and to probe the issues that have brought me to this point and this venue is where I’m being led to do it. I’m hoping that in my struggle you will find comfort, peace, understanding and perhaps healing of your own. I am hoping to educate and share what I have learned and am continuing to learn.

I’m hoping to create deeper more intimate relationships with those of you that come along on the journey and that you too will feel compelled to contribute to the process. It’s not all about me. God is at work here. I know that with all my heart because He released me from being bound up all these months unable to write. There has to be a purpose to that for He is very intentional in everything that He does.

So be prepared to step out of your comfort zone just as I am prepared to reveal my weaknesses and shortcomings to you. Together let us find comfort in one another and move forward stronger, bolder, healthier and happier than we’ve ever been be it by reading, commenting or silently taking it all in and then having a dialogue with Him about whatever is on your mind.

I pray this uncomfortableness will be a blessing to you.

Confusion

Lysa talked about being a little mad and a lot confused in this post. She gave us three pieces of great advice that if followed will bring you closer with God even during the silent times.

1. Press in to God when you want to pull away. (Jeremiah 29:13)
2. Praise God out loud when you want to get lost in complaints. (Psalms 40:3)
3. Put yourself in the company of truth. (Proverbs 12:26)

Now to see how I can put it to use in my life...

Confusion is my friend when it comes to my relationship with God. I don’t understand how I can be so sure of something one moment and so out of context with it the next but that is where I find myself time and time again. Mainly at my own doing but there nonetheless. I have come to realize that the silence I get from God is because I’m not fully engaged.

My relationship with God is one of longing and desire for something more than what currently is but until I plug in and stay plugged in it can’t come to fruition. I don’t just pull away, I unplug myself and run so far in the other direction I might as well be back at the starting blocks and after a while of doing this I have a tendency to stay arm’s length away just so I don’t have to continuously repeat the cycle of plugging and unplugging. I just stay unplugged, which is where I am right now. I can’t hear Him because I’ve distanced myself from Him; intentionally, deliberately and with calculated precision I pulled the plug. Part of me doesn’t want to hear and the other part of me is craving that one on one attention. I’m fighting a battle within myself and until it is settled I can’t move forward.

Praising Him is so hard to do when you don’t feel like it. And I don’t feel like it. I’m not lost in complaints I just am existing. I don’t have anything to complain about that isn’t due to some fault of my own so that is not the issue. But when I do try to get some words out they fall flat without feeling. Vain repetitions just like my prayers so I’ve stopped praying and praising for the moment. (I pray with the girls each night but I don’t have prayers where I praise Him and lay my cares at His feet) Not sure what it will take to get it started again but just not feeling it at the moment so no need to pretend. I know the saying “fake it til you make it” but I can’t do that with Him. I have to be my true authentic self and He’d know I didn’t mean it which to me is worse than not saying anything at all at this time. A hypocrite I don’t want to be.

Put yourself in the company of truth. That’s what I’m doing. Trying to surround myself with warriors of God that will keep me uplifted in prayer and girded about with the truthfulness of His word. I’m reaching out through my blog, through email, in person – let’s do lunch (hint, hint), and prayerfully those that He has purposed to support me at this time will rally together and I will be in good company.

Failure to launch

I started out reading my daily devotional here at Proverbs 31 which then led me to here to Lysa’s blog and reading that led me back to my space.

I felt I needed to express my emotions after reading such simple yet profound truths because they were spilling out of me like popcorn in a popper.

I have tons of unmet needs. More than I care to admit sometimes and most of them are of my own doing. God is not withholding anything from me but I am withholding myself from him and in doing so there is not the opportunity for him to minister to me and bless me like he would like to according to his word. I have never doubted the existence of God or of Jesus Christ but boy have I doubted my worthiness of their time, attention and gosh forbid - blessings.

Despite all of my attempts to disassociate myself from him I have been blessed. He has lavished me with blessings daily. As I awake to see another glorious day no matter how difficult it is to make it through said day in my heart I still consider it a blessing.

I have a house full of wonderful kids that I am blessed to call my own even when I feel that I’ve failed them on so many fronts as we go through this journey of life together because God trusted me enough to allow these angels to be given to me when no one else would have them.

And yet I doubt, I pull, I run, I duck and I dodge him and all else that he has to impart into my life.

My unmet needs are from failure to launch. I’ve made it to the dock where the boat is tied but I’ve yet to get in said boat, untie it and let the sail up to make the journey. Fear has me paralyzed. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success and fear in general. I could list a thousand reasons why and still not be any closer to launching my vessel into the waters of trust.

So deep inside of me is a hurting individual that just can’t pull the rope to let loose of the dock. There is so much at stake here and I’m not sure I can handle it all. So I continue to stand there looking in earnest wanting so very much to get in the boat - heck at this point I’d settle for sitting on the dock and putting my feet in the water but I don’t know how.

All I see are the failures in my life from the choices I have made. All I hear are the whispers in my head of how worthless I am because of said choices and failures and all I feel is dread because I have taken those thoughts and feelings and made them my truths.

My trust doesn’t lie in God but in myself. I trust myself to mess it up or by happenstance get it right but in the end the fault all lies with me and there is comfort in that knowing that I am to blame for my issues and not God. The God whom I love and have on a pedestal so high I’ll never be able to reach Him if I live a thousand years. For he represents all that is good and worthy and I feel I represent all that is bad or ugly.

To say that I’ve done a number on myself would be an understatement at this point. I’m so far gone into this way of thinking and feeling that anything else seems foreign. Yet as I read, as I grow, as I continue to try and edify myself with his word I feel something new – a longing to be a part of what He has destined for me but I don’t know how to get it.

So today I write this and consider it a step in the right direction – a toe in the water if you will, swishing back and forth, back and forth and hopefully that will lead to something else; perhaps a seat on the dock?

I am hopeful, yet hesitant but not totally discouraged.

The Busyness of Life

Take a deep breath and let the day begin...

5:00 wake up, take a shower, get dressed, put on the make-up, and do the hair
6:00 wake up the girls and get them out the door
6:30 head to the babysitters house
6:45 head to work
7:00 – 7:15 depending on the gods of the road get to work
7:30 start my work day
5:30 the work day is over time to head home
6:15 pick up the girls and go home
6:45 get dinner going and eat
7:30 – 9:00 baths, pack lunches, go over homework, prayer, and bed for the girls
9:00 "free time" i.e. get clothes laid out for tomorrow, pack my lunch, do homework, watch TV, listen to music, read a book or go to sleep

Repeat

Monday night is movie night, Tuesday we run errands, Wednesday I have study group from 6:30 – 9:00, Thursday I have school from 6:00 – 10:00, Friday I’m exhausted, Saturday run errands and entertain the girls, Sunday is church, laundry and dinner. I try to squeeze in a nap if I am lucky. Depending on what is due for school Saturday and Sunday evening are reserved for homework.

Factor in doctor/dentist appointments, weekly counseling sessions, jump rope club, bowling, bible study for the girls, and miscellaneous events for school and I think that pretty much takes care of every waking moment I have. And yet I look for other things to keep me busy. Am I crazy or what!

No I'm not. It's not just my reality but that of many women all across the world. We have so much on our plates and yet we allow ourselves time to add just one more thing because we think we have to. It's our job to make the world go round. We balance the weight of home in one hand and the job in the other and we are so determined to succeed that we often run ourselves in the ground in the process. And for what? The reasons are endless.

So how do we get out of this life of busyness and what is the alternative? How do we juggle work/life balance and still feel fulfilled and successful? I don't have all the answers but I do know that there has to be a happy medium in there somewhere.

For me it's about making choices, determining my priorities and what the end result will look like from the very beginning. What do I consider success and do I need to lower the bar just a little and stop trying to be "Superwoman". Average is good - some days! I welcome it and when I get a few extra minutes I'll try not to cram something in there and just take a few deep breaths and enjoy the moment. Now if last night is any indication of what a little silence and free time will do to me then I have a long road to travel but I'm working on it!

But seriously, we need to slow down and take inventory of all that we are involved in as women, moms and families and start putting some boundaries around our time spent running to and fro and start building those relationships that won't feel so awkward when the busyness comes to a halt and we realize that it's just us or them and appreciate that time for what it is. After all tomorrow isn't promised to any of us and what will it matter how busy we were versus how much time and energy we invested in building the relationships that mean the most in our lives.