Humility

Humility - the quality or condition of being humble; A modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance, rank, etc.


I can be haughty, brash, bold, sweet, benevolent and worldly. I am a mother who fiercely protects what is hers and a friend that defends the defenseless. I am hell bent on saving the world and self sacrificing in the process to the chagrin of friends and family.

Despite the outer bravado, when it comes to my God and all that He blesses me with on a daily basis I am truly humbled. I shirk away from Him in utter humility unworthy of being in His presence but longing for that connection as a deer who pants after water. It is from the utter depths of my soul that I reach out to Him in prayer and supplication. Giving thanks before asking or even thinking of laying at his feet all that burdens my torn and twisted soul.

I live to serve Him by serving those He places in my path with a glad heart, and a cheerful and kind spirit. Although it may not always go the way I envision it at times, I know that He knows the intentions of my heart and that is all that matters.

And so I come before Him surrendering my all and saying “Here am I Lord, use me.”

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3)

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:10)

This is the one I esteem: He who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word. (Isaiah 66:2)

Gratitude

Gratitude - the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful.
In spite of all the drama and chaos of the past three weeks I am truly grateful for my life. I have much gratitude in my heart for the opportunity to experience these trials and tribulations as a way to strengthen my character. Although it can be challenging and overwhelming while going through it, once the initial feelings have given way to reason and sanity I can clearly see the growth I gain each time I am faced with these issues.

Does that mean that I enjoy them? Not always but they truly are learning opportunities not stumbling blocks like I once envisioned them to be.

"O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever." (Psalms 136:1)

And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. (Colossians 3:17)

Friendship

“Friends are the flowers in the garden of life. Beginning with a seed of trust, nurtured with laughter and tears, growing into loyalty and love.”

Navigating the minefield of friendship has always been a hardship for me. I’ve had friends come and go through the years and some friendships that have lasted since grade school, but I have never truly learned how to grow my circle of friends. As time has gone by it seems to have shrunk instead of increased. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for those that continue to be in my life although I wonder at times what I’ve done to deserve their loyalty.

I am true to my Virgo nature, once a friend always a friend - loyal to the end, unless the trust is broken and then the intricate threads that wove us together wither and break. While we still remain friends it is never to the extent we once were. I have a thing about trust; real deep-seated trust. Over the years I realize that I’ve grown cynical and isolated instead of outgoing and engaging in activities that would lead me to make new connections and now I find myself lost and at times alone.

My view of women and friendship has evolved from someone to hang out and go partying with to someone you share aspects of your life with and support each other through the different seasons you encounter in your life’s journey.

Not one to bog anyone down with my issues I’ve pretty much just held it all in and expressed what was just beneath the surface but nothing with any real depth to it for fear of rejection or abandonment. I always felt like I was supposed to be there for them but that my life had to be pretty close to perfect in order for things to work.

I never really realized until much later in life (like now…) that it is a give and take and that I have to share with them just as much as they share with me. Not wanting to be pushy or clingy I could go several weeks without calling or talking to my friends but devour the details of their lives when we did catch up while divulging very little of my own. Eager to please and ready to help at the drop of a hat but emotionally aloof is how I would define myself. And yet I know that there is more to friendship than this.

I pray that I will learn to reach out more often, to share more deeply, to trust implicitly and forgive as I have been forgiven for the slightest offenses that would normally send me retreating in an effort to preserve myself.

May He send me a circle of friends that will embrace my nuances and help me to break down the walls of isolation and allow me to blossom under their tutelage as I strive to be a better friend. May the friendships I do have flourish to even greater depths and may they know that I love them deeply, cherish them always and want nothing but the best for them today and always.

“A friend loves at all times…” Proverbs 17:17

Energy

Energy is the strength and vitality required for sustained physical or mental activity; a feeling of possessing such strength and vitality.


Over the past few months since my schedule changed from working out in the mornings to getting the kids off to school therefore, I haven’t been working out. During this time, I’ve noticed that my energy level has plummeted and my sleep intake has increased. Don’t get me wrong, once I’m up I have tons of energy for the first few hours of the day but after 1:00 it decreases considerably and stays low the remainder of the day. I’m in the bed earlier than normal on days that don’t require extra studying for school and still feel drained. It’s amazing how that one hour of exercise each morning used to carry me through the day.

This also reminds me of how I get when I get out of the habit of having a quiet time with God each day. My spiritual battery runs low and I find myself not as sharp, in control and patient as I am on the days when I make that time to study the word, have personal prayer and quiet time just me and Him. Doing that 15 to 30 minute exchange each day recharges my spiritual battery just like exercising does it for the physical part of me.

Knowing this and applying this to my life consistently is a battle I am facing right now. I don’t have any excuse because I have the time if I use it wisely but I haven’t been a good steward of my time lately. I’ve given in to the flesh and when sleep beckons I’ve allowed myself to let go and catch a few extra minutes in the morning or allowed myself to be lulled into the abyss in the evenings when I lay in bed reading only to awaken a few hours later having not made it past the first paragraph or from my brain to my lips. The pages of my prayer journal are pretty sparse and the peace of having that quiet time is missing.

In a few weeks school will be out and I’m looking forward to the summer when I’ll get back into that routine of working out in the morning since the kids don’t have to get up for school and I can let them sleep in. But I can’t wait until then to jump start my spiritual battery. I need my quiet time to begin now on a steady and consistent basis.

So I am challenging myself to create the habit again of doing this each morning for 15 minutes before getting up and starting my day beginning tomorrow. I know that He will give me the strength I need to get over the hump of missing 15 extra minutes of sleep and I will be renewed with an abundance of energy in return.



But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Destiny

As long as we are persistence in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. We cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. It happens in its own time. Denis Waitley

The destiny of man is in his own soul. Herodotus

Destiny is defined as something to which a person or thing is destined; a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency.

We all have a purpose, a destiny that must be fulfilled. No one can accomplish what has been destined for you and you can’t accomplish that which was meant for someone else. The key to this is for us to seek out and fulfill that which we have been purposed for in this life. Some of us have multiple things to accomplish while others have a singular path but we were all created for something much larger than mere existence here on this earth. Greatness comes from the creator and since we were created in His image then greatness is in store for each of us. What that looks like for me will be different than what it looks like for you but it is equally as important.

What is your destiny and are you living your life as to discover it?

All share a common destiny—the righteous and the wicked, the good and the bad, the clean and the unclean, those who offer sacrifices and those who do not. As it is with the good, so with the sinful; as it is with those who take oaths, so with those who are afraid to take them. Ecclesiastes 9:2

Confidence

“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers, you cannot be successful or happy.” Norman Vincent Peale


Confidence is defined as belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust; the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.” Jeremiah 17:7

Who is your confidence in - God, man or yourself? The question is not meant to trick or confuse you but to get you to think about your confidence and where it comes from.

I am confident in my ability to perform my job to the best of my ability. I have confidence in my role of a friend, mother and sister – sometimes. I am confident in my belief in God and that he is the beginning and the end and that I should cast my cares upon Him and feel confident that He will see me through.

When my confidence comes from myself it wanes when things get tough or beyond my control. When my confidence comes for God, I am able to stand steadfast through the storms of life and weather them out knowing that He has all things under his control and that no matter what the outcome, it is as He has planned.

Self-confidence is necessary to survive in the world but it is not to be confused with pride and our thinking that we are able to do all things by ourselves without care or thought of God in the process.

My confidence comes from my faith. When my faith is strong so is my confidence but when my faith falters so does my confidence.

Hebrews 10:19-39 talks about confidence and faith in great detail and I have learned a lot about how the two correlate to one another. I am thankful for the word and the lessons found within that help clarify what my role is in this life and how it relates to what God wants me to do and how he wants me to do it.

I am still a work in progress but I am open and flexible in my beliefs that as I delve deeper into His word that my faith and therefore my confidence will remain entrenched in Him as it should rightly do.

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.” Hebrews 10:35

Beauty

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:3-4

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and since the beholder is me then makeup is a necessity. I get up Monday through Friday and make my face up before going to work and on the weekends a little tinted moisturizer and mascara usually does the trick to get me through. My girls complain about the fact that I put on makeup questioning why I need it. For me it’s necessary for a couple of reasons. First I use it to protect my face from the dirt and grime encountered throughout the day and secondly it is a security blanket. Not one to think highly of myself and my looks, putting on makeup makes me feel better about whom I am. It’s amazing what a little foundation, eye shadow and mascara can do to bolster ones confidence.

Today’s scripture made me think about my inner beauty. What am I doing to put forth the best inner me each day. Do I wake up and have a quiet time with God setting my spirit on the right track to handle what comes my way? Do I soak up the word and listen to inspiring and uplifting music that will soothe the inner me and allow that beauty to come shining through? Am I doing things to nourish the inner most portion of my soul?

Sadly I’m not. I don’t have a daily regimen for my inner self as I do for the outer. Yet I feel as though I should. What a difference it would make to have my inner and my outer in tune with one another. Although I don’t go about flashing my gold jewelry and fine clothes I do take great pride in making sure I look my best for the world and since God means so much more to me than this place wouldn’t it make sense to treat my inner self with just as much, if not more, care in my desire to be pleasing to Him. God looks not on the outward man but on the inward man – the heart.

What is the state of your heart today?

“The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Lent

As Lent winds down there is time to reflect on what this season has meant to me this time around. I've been reading off and on and when I have there have been great insights to be found in His Word. I am thankful that I started reading again and asked for my spirit to be open and receptive to the Words that I was reading. My prayers have been answered. He's such a sweet and loving God and I am thankful that I know this.

My biggest take away from this Lent season is forgiveness. There is no condemnation from God for my sins. I am forgiven wholly, fully and completely. Nothing I do can separate me from Him and I am thankful for that knowledge and finally being able to accept it. I have let it marinate in my spirit and sink into this hard head of mine over these past few weeks and it has put me in a better mindset. That's not to say I won't have to be reminded of that time and time again but the rudimentary knowledge is finally there. My heart is full because of this wonderful gift and all that Christ endured on my behalf to have it.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you^[a] free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,^[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. (Romans 8:1-3)

When I grow up...

I’ve found my passion, my purpose, my goal and now I have to channel it in the right arenas and allow God to direct my path so that it can be done for His glory.

When I grow up I want to be a life coach and trainer. I want to share all these wonderful experiences I have had in my life with those that are going through similar situations. I don’t want them to go it alone, not when I have so much experience, empathy and sympathy that can be shared with them.

I love helping people. Encouraging them and being their voice when they don’t have one.

I like to talk with them and get them to see things from a different perspective than what they may be currently seeing it as and succeeding in working through the situation and coming out on the other side better, stronger and happier than they have ever been.

I like figuring things out. Teaching and training people to trust themselves, their instincts and the voice of reason that most of us have but at times fail to use or listen to.

I love posing questions and watching them figure out the answers, especially when they are stuck. To see the results that come from within when I knew they had it hidden deep inside them all along but we just needed to work at getting it out is so satisfying and fulfilling to me.

There is great joy in seeing other’s accomplish their dreams. To realize that life is good and they can have the best life ever if they work for it just a little harder, smarter and with passion. And mostly, they don’t have to go it alone.

Daily Devotional

Narrow your focus, beloved.

Refuse to allow your attention to be scattered in all directions.

And, do not allow your focus to be on your trouble or current dilemma.

This is a time to look squarely into My face, deliver your prayer with earnest faith, and trust Me to answer, says the Lord.

Release yourself from all anxiety and worry.

But He said to them, "It is I; do not be afraid." (John 6:20)

Friday Upheaval

My morning at home started just fine and today when I got to work I found out that my boss resigned and I went through a gamut of emotions. I went from fine, to shocked, to mad, and now I am sad. I know that life is short and things have an order but this particular move came out of left field. Yesterday we were planning for his next trip and today there will be no more trips.

What really gets to me was just how much I’ve grown to care for him in the past two years. We had a great relationship and I have the highest level of respect for him as my boss and as a person. I know this had to have been a tough decision for him and so I don’t take it lightly that he felt the need to leave. I wish him the best in his new job.

What I am going to miss the most is that he wasn’t really a boss to me as much as he was a mentor, a role model and a champion for me. He pushed me to think and look outside the box and when I tried to limit myself he always gave me a nudge to keep it going. He believed that I could go back to school and do well and so he took the financial hit on his bottom line to support me in that endeavor and he was very much interested in my grades and how well I was doing.

Work/life balance was important to him and he pursued it and made sure I did as well. Not many bosses have that mindset. I was spoiled and somehow I don’t think I will get that this next go round but I could be wrong.

This just might be another turn in the road from God to get me stirred up and on the right path.

The next few weeks will be interesting ones and I look forward to what they will bring.

Daily Devotional

Trust Me to lift you up when you're down.

Believe that I am vitally interested in your life, and I see those things which concern you.

I am with you to help you get up and proceed on the path of life--eternal life and eternal joy.

It is My will to establish you in peace and strength.

Receive My help and rise up to a new level of confidence and faith that I will not leave you or forsake you.

You are precious to Me, says the Lord. Be established in that truth.

Deuteronomy 31:8 "And the LORD, He is the one who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed."



This devotional gave me peace and made me "feel". I felt myself open up just enough to receive His love and the truthfulness of His words.

Counseling 101

The counselor is in and I had a session yesterday. I thought I would go in and purge my soul and everything would be just fine but I had a hard time talking to her yesterday. I bounced all over the place talking about the girls, Jamar, work, school, etc. but never zeroing in on anything specific. So, although it was therapeutic in a way it was frustrating because I still walked out of there feeling out of sorts. I wanted to solve all the problems I’m facing and barely scratched the surface.

The more I try to let things out the tighter I seem to be holding on to them. I don’t understand that. One would think that I would be ready to let go of it all. I feel that there is more at stake here than me opening up and releasing my inner demons. There is a war being fought and I’m just the pawn being shuffled all over the board. Something life altering is going to happen if I break through this current trial. I’m reading things that are making me aware that I am so much more than I have ever given myself credit for and I am trying to truly embrace those truths for the first time in my life.

My level of understanding has broadened and I am hungering to read more and let it sink into my soul. Although little things still cause big hurts I know that they are just distractions of the enemy and I am trying hard not to give in to them. Things are coming together in some areas and falling apart in others but I don’t expect a perfect life; never had one so why should I expect it now. What I am aiming for is the ability to roll with whatever comes my way without allowing it to send me into a tailspin or making it my truth when in reality it is a lie or trick of the enemy.

My breakthrough for the week is that I am not perfect but I’m not as bad as I have believed all these years. I have also finally started grasping the meaning of Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”

Now I need to start the healing process of all those wounds, lies and judgments I inflicted on myself and start embracing His word and His love.

Friday Blues

Today is Friday, the beginning of the weekend and I am tired, emotionally drained. So ready for the weekend and all that it entails that will keep me busy and my mind not focused on the issues at hand.

Days like today I’m so ready for His return and all of this to be over. I don’t want to think or feel anymore. I don’t want to have to try to deal with the swirling turbulent thoughts that are in my brain. I just want peace and quiet. Yet, that eludes me and I am left to deal with all that is happening around me.

It was a long hot night last night. The fan did nothing to dissipate the hot air. Sleep didn’t come easily and when it did it was full of dreams of varying degrees of distress. I loathe nights like that.

Yet I am here and so I will make the most of it.

This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24)

Gone Again...

Here we go again... five months lost, gone, never to be recouped in the life of a son gone rouge yet again. I don’t even know how to express how I feel about this latest twist of events in his life. I've been through so much with him and yet things are still happening.

What’s so heart-wrenching is that it is from the same stuff over and over again and the lesson just doesn’t seem to be learned.

How do you show up for court and blow a .07 at 9:00 in the morning? How do you get 4 tickets for driving on a suspended license and continue to drive. How do you get piss ass drunk every day and wake up to do it all over again? Why do you continuously hurt those that love you, lie to them, let them down and most of all slowly kill yourself one drink at a time?

Why is it that when you are sober you are a good son, brother, dad, boyfriend and friend to all those that know and love you but with each reach for alcohol you lose all sense of who you are in the name of having a good time. You have so much promise, so much love and bring us such joy during your sobriety only to throw it all away when you reach for the beer, the alcohol, the cigarettes and the "fun times" you think you're having while you are doing all of those things.

Oh son of mine if only I could save you from your demons; soothe away what hurts you and put you on the straight and narrow path towards freedom and peace of mind. I long for that with all my heart for you and hope that these next five months will be a time of enlightenment for you as you have to stare into the eyes of your child through a glass window.

My prayer will be for healing, for strength and for peace. My hope will be for change and rejuvenation. My desire is that you will be safe and that you will look to God to get you through this time.

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore. (Psalm 121)

If leaving me is easy

It wasn't like I intentionally walked away but I got so caught up in life and what was happening and one thing led to another and before I knew it I was a couple of miles down the road.

Instead of turning around and heading back in the direction I came I kept going forward thinking that there was no reason for me to go back after all I had come this far what was the use in trying to change things.

Now I find myself wanting to go back but I've gone so far I don't know that I can. I know it's me that did the leaving but now it's me that wants to also do the coming back but I don't know how. It's not like I can show up on his doorstep, ring the bell and say "Hi, it's me and I'd like to come home." How easy that would be.

Although there is forgiveness to be found the road of repentance will not be an easy one but I want to go back home into the comfort and safety of His arms.

Music speaks the words I can't seem to find for myself. This song by Phil Collins tells how I feel in my relationship with Heavenly Father right now. Coming back is harder especially when you didn't know you had left.

I read all the letters
I read each word that you've sent to me
And though it's past now and the words start to fade
All the memories I have still remain

I've kept all the pictures but I hide my feelings so no one knows
Oh sure my friends all come round but I'm in a crowd on my own
It's 'cause you're gone now but your heart, heart still remains
And it'll be here if you come again

You see I'd heard the rumours, I knew before you let me know
But I didn't believe it, not you, no you would not let me go
Seems I was wrong but I love, I love you the same
And that's the one thing that you can't take away but just remember

If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder

If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder

Reconnecting

I've reconnected with a couple of friends since restarting my blogging efforts and am pleased to say I have had lunch with two and a visit with another. It has done my heart a world of good to be in the company of these women.

I am having lunch on Saturday with another friend and can't wait to get fed the food my soul has been clamoring for as she is so full of wisdom and usually it is from God's mouth to her lips and into my ears.

I'm just sorry its taken me this long to get it together and reach out to them and say something. Although several friends have moved on I am ok with it. In some instances I understand and even if I don't it doesn't really matter. If I allow myself to get all caught up in the whys of the situations I will just drive myself crazy and since I'm already there I figure I'll leave that one alone.

I was hurt to lose one very special friend but I know that she had a lot going on in her life when I took my hiatus away from everyone and I also allowed my guilt about another situation keep me from reaching out. I have learned that I should just go ahead and put myself out there; after all, the worse that could happen is that we go our separate ways but at least I would have done the right thing...

I look forward to catching up with a few more over the next couple of months now that the weather is changing and people will feel better about getting on the road and taking short trips to share a little food, a lot of conversation and love with one another.

Reconnecting is a wonderful thing and I am blessed to be able to have done it before it was too late.

Uncomfortable

Uncomfortable is defined as causing or feeling unease or awkwardness.

When I talk about my truth do I make you feel uncomfortable? When I put it out there for the whole world to see does that make you uncomfortable? If I were talking to you one on one about these things would you be uncomfortable that I chose you to reveal my emotions to?

Uncomfortable has been resonating in my brain for the past couple of days since I decided to just put myself out there once again and so I have to ask is it me or is it you that is experiencing this feeling?

I was having a conversation the other day with a friend and every time I mentioned something about myself the other party changed the subject. The first time it happened I thought it was just a coincidence so I deliberately did it again a couple more times and got the same result and that led me to know that she was uncomfortable with me sharing personal details of my life with her. I couldn’t figure out why since it wasn’t anything of great importance. Very basic information and certainly not scandalous by any stretch of the imagination and so it got me wondering...

If it was happening to me in such an innocent situation how many other women have experienced something similar and how has it affected them and their ability to share their world with others due to the fact that others appear uncomfortable with their sharing?

Why do you feel uncomfortable? Is it because you can empathize with my feelings or is it because you’re so caught up in your life that you don’t want to be distracted by what might be going on in someone else’s? Suppose it’s a combination of the two – you can relate but you’re also too busy to be in a position to offer assistance or support. Let’s really step out there and say you feel uncomfortable because you simply don’t care to hear about my issues – then what?

It is not my intention to make anyone feel uncomfortable whatever the reason and so if I do I apologize that it makes you feel that way but I can’t take it back. In fact, it will probably get deeper from here.

For whatever reason I feel compelled to share, to question and to probe the issues that have brought me to this point and this venue is where I’m being led to do it. I’m hoping that in my struggle you will find comfort, peace, understanding and perhaps healing of your own. I am hoping to educate and share what I have learned and am continuing to learn.

I’m hoping to create deeper more intimate relationships with those of you that come along on the journey and that you too will feel compelled to contribute to the process. It’s not all about me. God is at work here. I know that with all my heart because He released me from being bound up all these months unable to write. There has to be a purpose to that for He is very intentional in everything that He does.

So be prepared to step out of your comfort zone just as I am prepared to reveal my weaknesses and shortcomings to you. Together let us find comfort in one another and move forward stronger, bolder, healthier and happier than we’ve ever been be it by reading, commenting or silently taking it all in and then having a dialogue with Him about whatever is on your mind.

I pray this uncomfortableness will be a blessing to you.

Confusion

Lysa talked about being a little mad and a lot confused in this post. She gave us three pieces of great advice that if followed will bring you closer with God even during the silent times.

1. Press in to God when you want to pull away. (Jeremiah 29:13)
2. Praise God out loud when you want to get lost in complaints. (Psalms 40:3)
3. Put yourself in the company of truth. (Proverbs 12:26)

Now to see how I can put it to use in my life...

Confusion is my friend when it comes to my relationship with God. I don’t understand how I can be so sure of something one moment and so out of context with it the next but that is where I find myself time and time again. Mainly at my own doing but there nonetheless. I have come to realize that the silence I get from God is because I’m not fully engaged.

My relationship with God is one of longing and desire for something more than what currently is but until I plug in and stay plugged in it can’t come to fruition. I don’t just pull away, I unplug myself and run so far in the other direction I might as well be back at the starting blocks and after a while of doing this I have a tendency to stay arm’s length away just so I don’t have to continuously repeat the cycle of plugging and unplugging. I just stay unplugged, which is where I am right now. I can’t hear Him because I’ve distanced myself from Him; intentionally, deliberately and with calculated precision I pulled the plug. Part of me doesn’t want to hear and the other part of me is craving that one on one attention. I’m fighting a battle within myself and until it is settled I can’t move forward.

Praising Him is so hard to do when you don’t feel like it. And I don’t feel like it. I’m not lost in complaints I just am existing. I don’t have anything to complain about that isn’t due to some fault of my own so that is not the issue. But when I do try to get some words out they fall flat without feeling. Vain repetitions just like my prayers so I’ve stopped praying and praising for the moment. (I pray with the girls each night but I don’t have prayers where I praise Him and lay my cares at His feet) Not sure what it will take to get it started again but just not feeling it at the moment so no need to pretend. I know the saying “fake it til you make it” but I can’t do that with Him. I have to be my true authentic self and He’d know I didn’t mean it which to me is worse than not saying anything at all at this time. A hypocrite I don’t want to be.

Put yourself in the company of truth. That’s what I’m doing. Trying to surround myself with warriors of God that will keep me uplifted in prayer and girded about with the truthfulness of His word. I’m reaching out through my blog, through email, in person – let’s do lunch (hint, hint), and prayerfully those that He has purposed to support me at this time will rally together and I will be in good company.

Failure to launch

I started out reading my daily devotional here at Proverbs 31 which then led me to here to Lysa’s blog and reading that led me back to my space.

I felt I needed to express my emotions after reading such simple yet profound truths because they were spilling out of me like popcorn in a popper.

I have tons of unmet needs. More than I care to admit sometimes and most of them are of my own doing. God is not withholding anything from me but I am withholding myself from him and in doing so there is not the opportunity for him to minister to me and bless me like he would like to according to his word. I have never doubted the existence of God or of Jesus Christ but boy have I doubted my worthiness of their time, attention and gosh forbid - blessings.

Despite all of my attempts to disassociate myself from him I have been blessed. He has lavished me with blessings daily. As I awake to see another glorious day no matter how difficult it is to make it through said day in my heart I still consider it a blessing.

I have a house full of wonderful kids that I am blessed to call my own even when I feel that I’ve failed them on so many fronts as we go through this journey of life together because God trusted me enough to allow these angels to be given to me when no one else would have them.

And yet I doubt, I pull, I run, I duck and I dodge him and all else that he has to impart into my life.

My unmet needs are from failure to launch. I’ve made it to the dock where the boat is tied but I’ve yet to get in said boat, untie it and let the sail up to make the journey. Fear has me paralyzed. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success and fear in general. I could list a thousand reasons why and still not be any closer to launching my vessel into the waters of trust.

So deep inside of me is a hurting individual that just can’t pull the rope to let loose of the dock. There is so much at stake here and I’m not sure I can handle it all. So I continue to stand there looking in earnest wanting so very much to get in the boat - heck at this point I’d settle for sitting on the dock and putting my feet in the water but I don’t know how.

All I see are the failures in my life from the choices I have made. All I hear are the whispers in my head of how worthless I am because of said choices and failures and all I feel is dread because I have taken those thoughts and feelings and made them my truths.

My trust doesn’t lie in God but in myself. I trust myself to mess it up or by happenstance get it right but in the end the fault all lies with me and there is comfort in that knowing that I am to blame for my issues and not God. The God whom I love and have on a pedestal so high I’ll never be able to reach Him if I live a thousand years. For he represents all that is good and worthy and I feel I represent all that is bad or ugly.

To say that I’ve done a number on myself would be an understatement at this point. I’m so far gone into this way of thinking and feeling that anything else seems foreign. Yet as I read, as I grow, as I continue to try and edify myself with his word I feel something new – a longing to be a part of what He has destined for me but I don’t know how to get it.

So today I write this and consider it a step in the right direction – a toe in the water if you will, swishing back and forth, back and forth and hopefully that will lead to something else; perhaps a seat on the dock?

I am hopeful, yet hesitant but not totally discouraged.