Confusion

Lysa talked about being a little mad and a lot confused in this post. She gave us three pieces of great advice that if followed will bring you closer with God even during the silent times.

1. Press in to God when you want to pull away. (Jeremiah 29:13)
2. Praise God out loud when you want to get lost in complaints. (Psalms 40:3)
3. Put yourself in the company of truth. (Proverbs 12:26)

Now to see how I can put it to use in my life...

Confusion is my friend when it comes to my relationship with God. I don’t understand how I can be so sure of something one moment and so out of context with it the next but that is where I find myself time and time again. Mainly at my own doing but there nonetheless. I have come to realize that the silence I get from God is because I’m not fully engaged.

My relationship with God is one of longing and desire for something more than what currently is but until I plug in and stay plugged in it can’t come to fruition. I don’t just pull away, I unplug myself and run so far in the other direction I might as well be back at the starting blocks and after a while of doing this I have a tendency to stay arm’s length away just so I don’t have to continuously repeat the cycle of plugging and unplugging. I just stay unplugged, which is where I am right now. I can’t hear Him because I’ve distanced myself from Him; intentionally, deliberately and with calculated precision I pulled the plug. Part of me doesn’t want to hear and the other part of me is craving that one on one attention. I’m fighting a battle within myself and until it is settled I can’t move forward.

Praising Him is so hard to do when you don’t feel like it. And I don’t feel like it. I’m not lost in complaints I just am existing. I don’t have anything to complain about that isn’t due to some fault of my own so that is not the issue. But when I do try to get some words out they fall flat without feeling. Vain repetitions just like my prayers so I’ve stopped praying and praising for the moment. (I pray with the girls each night but I don’t have prayers where I praise Him and lay my cares at His feet) Not sure what it will take to get it started again but just not feeling it at the moment so no need to pretend. I know the saying “fake it til you make it” but I can’t do that with Him. I have to be my true authentic self and He’d know I didn’t mean it which to me is worse than not saying anything at all at this time. A hypocrite I don’t want to be.

Put yourself in the company of truth. That’s what I’m doing. Trying to surround myself with warriors of God that will keep me uplifted in prayer and girded about with the truthfulness of His word. I’m reaching out through my blog, through email, in person – let’s do lunch (hint, hint), and prayerfully those that He has purposed to support me at this time will rally together and I will be in good company.