Falling apart

The tears came as soon as I read your note. Why am I crying? What’s this all about and then I realized just how much hope I had wrapped up in your visit. Just how needy I am for the companionship. I didn’t want to cry, feel angry or even sad but I couldn’t help it. I withdrew into my shell, crawled into bed and called it a night. It’s not that I didn’t understand it’s just that my need overtook my senses and I gave in to them.

I’m all over the place with my emotions these days. There is just so much locked inside that is screaming to come out and I don’t know how to do it. I don’t want to walk around feeling this way I just want to let it all out. I’m alone now. Kids all gone and I’m left with my thoughts; thoughts of failure, loneliness, need and defeat.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I seem to get things right? I just want someone to love me like I love everyone in my life. I just want my kids to grow up and be the best they can be. I just want to succeed at just one thing in my life and feel like I’m making a difference. Instead I feel like I’ve failed miserably at everything and let everyone including myself down. I’m so lost - so far out there I don’t know how to reel myself back in or if I want to be reeled in.

I didn’t know life; my life would be this hard, this crazy or overwhelming. I look all around me and I know that a lot of what I see isn’t how it truly is but it all looks so much better than what’s going on in my little world.

I don’t want this. I don’t want the loneliness or the time to myself. I want to be needed and wanted. Please God please take me away from this. I can’t do this much longer. I’m trying so hard but you have no idea just how difficult this is. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to come home. Why can’t I come home? What more do you have for me to do here? I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything and right now I’m not enjoying this in the least. I just want out. Right now! How much longer do I have to stay here and endure this life?

Please answer me. Talk to me, send me a sign that you hear me and that I’m not really here all alone. Tell me what you want me to do. How you want me to do it and let me know that I am making a difference that all that I am going through is not for nothing.

Why am I here? What am I accomplishing? There’s got to be more to life than this pain, these thoughts and feelings. I just want it to all stop being so chaotic and settle down. I’m so tired, so very tired.