I felt I needed to express my emotions after reading such simple yet profound truths because they were spilling out of me like popcorn in a popper.
I have tons of unmet needs. More than I care to admit sometimes and most of them are of my own doing. God is not withholding anything from me but I am withholding myself from him and in doing so there is not the opportunity for him to minister to me and bless me like he would like to according to his word. I have never doubted the existence of God or of Jesus Christ but boy have I doubted my worthiness of their time, attention and gosh forbid - blessings.
Despite all of my attempts to disassociate myself from him I have been blessed. He has lavished me with blessings daily. As I awake to see another glorious day no matter how difficult it is to make it through said day in my heart I still consider it a blessing.
I have a house full of wonderful kids that I am blessed to call my own even when I feel that I’ve failed them on so many fronts as we go through this journey of life together because God trusted me enough to allow these angels to be given to me when no one else would have them.
And yet I doubt, I pull, I run, I duck and I dodge him and all else that he has to impart into my life.
My unmet needs are from failure to launch. I’ve made it to the dock where the boat is tied but I’ve yet to get in said boat, untie it and let the sail up to make the journey. Fear has me paralyzed. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success and fear in general. I could list a thousand reasons why and still not be any closer to launching my vessel into the waters of trust.
So deep inside of me is a hurting individual that just can’t pull the rope to let loose of the dock. There is so much at stake here and I’m not sure I can handle it all. So I continue to stand there looking in earnest wanting so very much to get in the boat - heck at this point I’d settle for sitting on the dock and putting my feet in the water but I don’t know how.
All I see are the failures in my life from the choices I have made. All I hear are the whispers in my head of how worthless I am because of said choices and failures and all I feel is dread because I have taken those thoughts and feelings and made them my truths.
My trust doesn’t lie in God but in myself. I trust myself to mess it up or by happenstance get it right but in the end the fault all lies with me and there is comfort in that knowing that I am to blame for my issues and not God. The God whom I love and have on a pedestal so high I’ll never be able to reach Him if I live a thousand years. For he represents all that is good and worthy and I feel I represent all that is bad or ugly.
To say that I’ve done a number on myself would be an understatement at this point. I’m so far gone into this way of thinking and feeling that anything else seems foreign. Yet as I read, as I grow, as I continue to try and edify myself with his word I feel something new – a longing to be a part of what He has destined for me but I don’t know how to get it.
So today I write this and consider it a step in the right direction – a toe in the water if you will, swishing back and forth, back and forth and hopefully that will lead to something else; perhaps a seat on the dock?
I am hopeful, yet hesitant but not totally discouraged.