My Inspiration

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1 (NIV)

Monday, March 5, 2012

Love? Pt. 2

And because I didn't say all that I wanted to say in my first post because I'm still leery about this new found freedom to write, I'm being convicted. So here is the rest of what I truly wanted to say.

No one should have to beg someone to love them. We have the greatest love of all - the love of God and that is enough for us. Although some of us (me) have yet to discover and/or embrace this, it is still there. It is more than enough and it won't hurt us or let us down like the love of the world.

I know that this is true with all my heart but it doesn't matter when my emotions are all caught up in the worldly love. The love that makes my heart skip a beat when I hear his voice, read his text messages or hear that song that is exclusively ours. Nor does it matter when you are a child longing for the love of a parent, a friend or a sibling. All you want is the here and now. The ache is so real you can touch it and all you want is for it to be filled and in your mind that person is the only one that can fill it.

That may be true for the moment but over time the needs rises up again and that person is no longer capable of filling the void and bitterness and resentment comes into play. Disappointment follows you around and if you're not careful you start searching for the next thing that will fulfill you, albeit temporarily, yet again.

I'm speaking my truth. My journey. The fact that I have searched and searched and searched without having found fulfillment in my longing to be loved; to feel completely loved, understood and accepted for who I am. And because of that there has always been this sense of emptiness and worthlessness that has followed me. I have never felt that kind of love although I have come close with my Dad but he was taken away from me and the void grew even stronger.

I've done my share of discarding people because they couldn't give me what I was continuously searching for. I think that is why I became a nurturer. If I couldn't get the love I needed then I could certainly give it to those around me. And so I have spent my life giving, giving and giving in hopes that it would ease the ache and divert me from what I'm searching for.

And yet I still want it; crave it and make vain attempts at finding it when it is right before me. I am ashamed, yet I am human. I am sorry but I am still needy. I want and therefore I go after it in all the wrong places for it is here. Right here; yet I reject it because it is more than I can handle.

I am fearful for I have spent a lifetime searching and find it so hard to fathom that it is truly within my grasp and I can have it if I but give in to it. And yet I can't. I'm not ready. There is still so much I am wrestling with inside of myself. Most of all my worthiness to receive it. I know that I don't have to be worthy just willing to accept it but in my mind... therein lies the problem that I do not know how to overcome.

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