You see, although we talked, I kept the conversation light and easy. I didn't delve into the hard stuff that I'm dealing with and she didn't push although she could have and had that right. A couple of times I wanted to blurt some things out but I held back and that was wrong. But it was also eye opening.
I'm a master manipulator. I can manuever things so that everyone thinks their needs are being met by saying the right things but in reality I haven't really said anything at all.
No two friends of mine could sit down and tell you the same thing because they only know what I chose to tell them not necessarily the whole story or even the same part. Why?
My reasons are two-fold... One is to save myself from my fear of rejection and the second is to save them from having to carry the burden of my problem(s). See, I think I have it all worked out. If I don't tell them anything but the good stuff then life is grand. We walk away with this false sense that all is well when in reality it could be "hell in a handbasket" and secondly it keeps the friendship intact. I don't have to fear that they will be disappointed in me, that they will judge me or even yet that they will abandon me or hold me accountable because of my thoughts or my actions.
How crazy is that? Yet it is the way I've handled the majority of my friendships. Yes, I do say some things that are pertinent and pretty open but there are so many more squelched down inside waiting to come out but unable to make it past my lips. Always wanting to be the good friend, the proper lady, the upstanding citizen never could I divulge my deepest, darkest thoughts or secrets.
Besides who would want to hear them and what purpose would they serve other than purging them from my system? Could we really talk about them openly? Would you understand? Would you even be so forthcoming about your own thoughts and feelings?
I have to wonder am I the only one holding back or do others censor their friendships too?
Aren't we all good at that? Don't we have our friends that we tell certain things to but not others?
Do you censor what you say, how you say it and when you say it? I do. I did.