Together

" I advocate that every woman be a part of a circle that meets at least once a month or, if you can’t do that, once every two months or every four months. But you have to have a circle, a group of people – smart, wise, can-do women – who are in the world doing their work, and you need to meet with them as often as you can so that they can see what you’re doing and who you are, and you can see the same. And you can talk to each other about the world and about your lives in a circle of trust and safety. It’s crucial. It is crucial for our psychological health and our spiritual growth. It’s essential." Alice Walker

"If we’re by ourselves we come to feel crazy and alone. We need to make alternate families of small groups of women who support each other, talk to each other regularly, can speak their truths and their experiences and find they’re not alone in them, that other women have them too…It makes such a huge difference." Gloria Steinem

The idea of a group of women coming together to share is so foreign to me. So scary and unthinkable but over the past few months it is something I have been hungering for. It is a need I have that has to be fulfilled. It’s only taken me forty-seven years to realize that this life was meant to be shared with other women and to embrace that knowledge.

In all honesty I intentionally stayed away from women because I have been hurt through the years by friends and instead of forging ahead embracing the situation for what it was and learning from it I slowly built up a wall keeping everyone out. Living this life alone for the most part, walking out this journey all alone. Now as I look around I find that those walls that I built to protect me have actually isolated me and left me by myself.

I am so hungry for that connection again and am struggling to find it. I have found that I am not alone in my situation. There are so many of us that have been hurt, been too busy, too isolated and too afraid to venture forth and say I need or would like to have a circle of friends that I can share life’s experiences with. But as Alice and Gloria stated it is crucial and makes such a huge difference in our lives.

Sharing is what our ancestors did. It is how they got through some of their toughest times and yet here we stand going it alone. Trying to do it all on our own and failing miserably because we have to learn lessons that others have experience and knowledge of that could make a difference in our lives if only we took time to sit down and have a conversation.

When is the last time you had a gathering with your girlfriends?

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

Secrets in friendship

Lunch with a friend on Saturday was fabulous. We ate, drank, and talked for several hours. I had a ball. The shopping afterwards was really great and the time we spent working on a project she has in the works ended the day with a bang. As I made my way back to Richmond I had time to reflect on the day and how well it went but there was this nagging in my head that reminded me that it didn't really go as good as I was making out.

You see, although we talked, I kept the conversation light and easy. I didn't delve into the hard stuff that I'm dealing with and she didn't push although she could have and had that right. A couple of times I wanted to blurt some things out but I held back and that was wrong. But it was also eye opening.

I'm a master manipulator. I can manuever things so that everyone thinks their needs are being met by saying the right things but in reality I haven't really said anything at all.

No two friends of mine could sit down and tell you the same thing because they only know what I chose to tell them not necessarily the whole story or even the same part. Why?

My reasons are two-fold... One is to save myself from my fear of rejection and the second is to save them from having to carry the burden of my problem(s). See, I think I have it all worked out. If I don't tell them anything but the good stuff then life is grand. We walk away with this false sense that all is well when in reality it could be "hell in a handbasket" and secondly it keeps the friendship intact. I don't have to fear that they will be disappointed in me, that they will judge me or even yet that they will abandon me or hold me accountable because of my thoughts or my actions.

How crazy is that? Yet it is the way I've handled the majority of my friendships. Yes, I do say some things that are pertinent and pretty open but there are so many more squelched down inside waiting to come out but unable to make it past my lips. Always wanting to be the good friend, the proper lady, the upstanding citizen never could I divulge my deepest, darkest thoughts or secrets.

Besides who would want to hear them and what purpose would they serve other than purging them from my system? Could we really talk about them openly? Would you understand? Would you even be so forthcoming about your own thoughts and feelings?

I have to wonder am I the only one holding back or do others censor their friendships too?

Aren't we all good at that? Don't we have our friends that we tell certain things to but not others?

Do you censor what you say, how you say it and when you say it? I do. I did.

Uncomfortable

Uncomfortable is defined as causing or feeling unease or awkwardness.

When I talk about my truth do I make you feel uncomfortable? When I put it out there for the whole world to see does that make you uncomfortable? If I were talking to you one on one about these things would you be uncomfortable that I chose you to reveal my emotions to?

Uncomfortable has been resonating in my brain for the past couple of days since I decided to just put myself out there once again and so I have to ask is it me or is it you that is experiencing this feeling?

I was having a conversation the other day with a friend and every time I mentioned something about myself the other party changed the subject. The first time it happened I thought it was just a coincidence so I deliberately did it again a couple more times and got the same result and that led me to know that she was uncomfortable with me sharing personal details of my life with her. I couldn’t figure out why since it wasn’t anything of great importance. Very basic information and certainly not scandalous by any stretch of the imagination and so it got me wondering...

If it was happening to me in such an innocent situation how many other women have experienced something similar and how has it affected them and their ability to share their world with others due to the fact that others appear uncomfortable with their sharing?

Why do you feel uncomfortable? Is it because you can empathize with my feelings or is it because you’re so caught up in your life that you don’t want to be distracted by what might be going on in someone else’s? Suppose it’s a combination of the two – you can relate but you’re also too busy to be in a position to offer assistance or support. Let’s really step out there and say you feel uncomfortable because you simply don’t care to hear about my issues – then what?

It is not my intention to make anyone feel uncomfortable whatever the reason and so if I do I apologize that it makes you feel that way but I can’t take it back. In fact, it will probably get deeper from here.

For whatever reason I feel compelled to share, to question and to probe the issues that have brought me to this point and this venue is where I’m being led to do it. I’m hoping that in my struggle you will find comfort, peace, understanding and perhaps healing of your own. I am hoping to educate and share what I have learned and am continuing to learn.

I’m hoping to create deeper more intimate relationships with those of you that come along on the journey and that you too will feel compelled to contribute to the process. It’s not all about me. God is at work here. I know that with all my heart because He released me from being bound up all these months unable to write. There has to be a purpose to that for He is very intentional in everything that He does.

So be prepared to step out of your comfort zone just as I am prepared to reveal my weaknesses and shortcomings to you. Together let us find comfort in one another and move forward stronger, bolder, healthier and happier than we’ve ever been be it by reading, commenting or silently taking it all in and then having a dialogue with Him about whatever is on your mind.

I pray this uncomfortableness will be a blessing to you.

Putting it out there

And so I said it. Just put it out there like it was nothing but really it was a big deal. There is this fear that you will alienate those that know you because they might realize that they really don’t know you or that hey, what’s she doing in my head.

You see we all have our demons to face. Mine is death or thoughts of dying which is an escape from the hard knocks of life I’ve gone through and someone else’s might be food, anorexia, bulimia, cutting, binging, alcohol or even drugs. There are so many vices that we as people have as coping mechanisms for the things that bring us pain. Shopping to fill the void, eating to comfort the wounded soul, or exercising to release the stress; I’ve tried it all and nothing works for long. Sure it brings a temporary high or fix to the problem but when it wears off the problem is still right there staring you in the face along with the guilt of the instrument of your denial.

But when I look outside of myself for the answer, that is when I find God waiting in the wings ready to swoop in and save me just like the loving Heavenly Father his Word professes Him to be. In the midst of the darkness shines an eternal light and if you look hard enough you will see it. If you call loud enough He does hear you and when you are silent because there are just no words to express what you are feeling but you’re shedding tears, and have thoughts rambling round your brain He. Is. There.

I know because I’ve been there; deaf, dumb and mute but not immune to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Not so far gone that I couldn’t pull back from the edge and say ok Lord, one more day because He poured out his love on me so much so I was full for that moment and my cup runneth over. He doesn’t just do that for me – he does it for everyone that seeks Him. He’s not lost we are. And He’s out there. Waiting for you, waiting for me, ready to give us whatever it is we stand in need of.

Won’t you seek Him?

And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:13)

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. (Matthew 7:7&8)

I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me. (Proverbs 8:17)

Keeping it "real" for God

I LOVE GOD. I love what He is doing with my life. However, I struggle daily with all that life can throw my way. This struggle can and does take me away from my purpose, allows me to get sidetracked, lost in the shuffle and totally out of reach with Him.

Can you relate? Paul could, he said this about his flesh and the struggles he encountered on his journey in Romans 7:15-25.

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

I know that we all have challenges and some of us handle them better than others. I truly believe that just as He gave us the Word to lead, guide and direct us that we as believers can come together and support one another through our daily challenges in life. One of the things that help me get back on track is having someone to share it with, to talk it out, to inspire, instill and guide me back to my center after I have taken it to God in the spiritual. He lets me know when I’m to “put it out there and seek the counsel of the godly” and He often puts them in my path.

As sisters in Christ, we can do that for one another. We should do that for one another.

So speak up, let us hear what issues are challenging you and let us all come together to help you work through it. One verse, one discussion, one day at a time…

I have started a forum over at Lefora. Click this link "Keeping it real for God" to come on over and take a look around, join and start a dialogue with the world.

Be blessed my sisters and please take the time to share the stories of your life; the good, the bad, the joy, the pain, the heartache and the beauty He has given you for all your ashes. Who knows, you may be able to help someone else in your sharing.

Coming out

I've outed myself to a fellow co-worker who shares my love for the written word. She has a couple of blogs herself that I've enjoyed reading. I appreciate her style of writing, her candor and her honesty which is why I was drawn to her at work. She's a bright spot in my day, a breath of fresh air and a wealth of information, which she is quick to share.

Our worlds are complete opposites but that could also explain the attraction. I get to view it from her perspective and vice versa. Although I believe I will get far more entertainment out of her world than she will from mine.

It felt good to talk to her about blogging, writing, our lives outside of work because at the end of the day when we leave our jobs we do have lives. We are not consumed by this 24/7. We don't eat, sleep and breathe work. In our roles as assistant's too often we work for and with people who's entire existence is wrapped up in their jobs. They cannot function without them. It has become who they are. Their jobs/positions are their identity. You know these people, they are the ones who introduce themselves with their titles and all of their conversations revolve around things they are doing for work.

I'm excited to have another connection in my other life that is walking down a similar path as I. Although a bit different. She's writing a novel. A HUGE undertaking; one that frightens me. I'm not ready for that just yet. I appreciate the blogging world too much with it's fluidness. A novel to me is constraining and we all know I am not one to be constrained. I don't think I have it in me to be that focused right now. I'm saving that for retirement.

Welcome to my world Leila.