If leaving me is easy

It wasn't like I intentionally walked away but I got so caught up in life and what was happening and one thing led to another and before I knew it I was a couple of miles down the road.

Instead of turning around and heading back in the direction I came I kept going forward thinking that there was no reason for me to go back after all I had come this far what was the use in trying to change things.

Now I find myself wanting to go back but I've gone so far I don't know that I can. I know it's me that did the leaving but now it's me that wants to also do the coming back but I don't know how. It's not like I can show up on his doorstep, ring the bell and say "Hi, it's me and I'd like to come home." How easy that would be.

Although there is forgiveness to be found the road of repentance will not be an easy one but I want to go back home into the comfort and safety of His arms.

Music speaks the words I can't seem to find for myself. This song by Phil Collins tells how I feel in my relationship with Heavenly Father right now. Coming back is harder especially when you didn't know you had left.

I read all the letters
I read each word that you've sent to me
And though it's past now and the words start to fade
All the memories I have still remain

I've kept all the pictures but I hide my feelings so no one knows
Oh sure my friends all come round but I'm in a crowd on my own
It's 'cause you're gone now but your heart, heart still remains
And it'll be here if you come again

You see I'd heard the rumours, I knew before you let me know
But I didn't believe it, not you, no you would not let me go
Seems I was wrong but I love, I love you the same
And that's the one thing that you can't take away but just remember

If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder

If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder

Uncomfortable

Uncomfortable is defined as causing or feeling unease or awkwardness.

When I talk about my truth do I make you feel uncomfortable? When I put it out there for the whole world to see does that make you uncomfortable? If I were talking to you one on one about these things would you be uncomfortable that I chose you to reveal my emotions to?

Uncomfortable has been resonating in my brain for the past couple of days since I decided to just put myself out there once again and so I have to ask is it me or is it you that is experiencing this feeling?

I was having a conversation the other day with a friend and every time I mentioned something about myself the other party changed the subject. The first time it happened I thought it was just a coincidence so I deliberately did it again a couple more times and got the same result and that led me to know that she was uncomfortable with me sharing personal details of my life with her. I couldn’t figure out why since it wasn’t anything of great importance. Very basic information and certainly not scandalous by any stretch of the imagination and so it got me wondering...

If it was happening to me in such an innocent situation how many other women have experienced something similar and how has it affected them and their ability to share their world with others due to the fact that others appear uncomfortable with their sharing?

Why do you feel uncomfortable? Is it because you can empathize with my feelings or is it because you’re so caught up in your life that you don’t want to be distracted by what might be going on in someone else’s? Suppose it’s a combination of the two – you can relate but you’re also too busy to be in a position to offer assistance or support. Let’s really step out there and say you feel uncomfortable because you simply don’t care to hear about my issues – then what?

It is not my intention to make anyone feel uncomfortable whatever the reason and so if I do I apologize that it makes you feel that way but I can’t take it back. In fact, it will probably get deeper from here.

For whatever reason I feel compelled to share, to question and to probe the issues that have brought me to this point and this venue is where I’m being led to do it. I’m hoping that in my struggle you will find comfort, peace, understanding and perhaps healing of your own. I am hoping to educate and share what I have learned and am continuing to learn.

I’m hoping to create deeper more intimate relationships with those of you that come along on the journey and that you too will feel compelled to contribute to the process. It’s not all about me. God is at work here. I know that with all my heart because He released me from being bound up all these months unable to write. There has to be a purpose to that for He is very intentional in everything that He does.

So be prepared to step out of your comfort zone just as I am prepared to reveal my weaknesses and shortcomings to you. Together let us find comfort in one another and move forward stronger, bolder, healthier and happier than we’ve ever been be it by reading, commenting or silently taking it all in and then having a dialogue with Him about whatever is on your mind.

I pray this uncomfortableness will be a blessing to you.

Silence

The silence that surrounds me is deafening. I know I should bask in the quietness but it makes me antsy. I keep checking my phone to see if I’ve missed a call or an email to have something to do. It’s His way of getting me to quiet down and listen for the still small voice but I’m not ready so I retreat to my room, turn on the TV and the computer and make myself busy.

What am I running from? Why won’t I let Him in? How long will I run from what l want but am scared to handle – a stronger more intimate relationship with Him?

Happy Valentine's Day

God is love and love is God, from my perspective, the two are synonymous. God loved us so much that He sent His only begotten son down to Earth and sacrificed him so that we could come back to live with Him again. (John 3:16)

What love, what adoration, what longing to have an intimate relationship with us; and all he asks in return is that we love Him with all our heart, soul, and mind and our neighbor as our self. (Matthew 22:37-39)

Is that so hard to do? For some of us the answer is a resounding yes! Until we do a little self examination and hold ourselves up to the same light we hold everyone else to and realize just how guilty we are of the same things we accuse others of and withhold our love from them because of it.

How many times have we had to ask God to forgive us for the same thing over and over again? How often do we fallen short of the Ten Commandments? Do we have love for our neighbor as we do our selves or do we hold everyone to a double standard while we justify our reasons for our shortcomings?

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day, the day of love, take a moment and reflect on the relationships around you. Do you have that agape love for your fellow man or do you selfishly hold back for fear of rejection, hurt or pain? Do you love unconditionally in your marriage, friendships or relationships with your kids or do you dole out the love according to some gauge you have in your mind as to whether or not they have earned it?

After all, what have you done to earn the love of God? Nothing, every day we fall short and it is through Jesus that we have the opportunity to repent and start again. Mercy and grace anew each day because of the love He has for us.

So while you are in the mode of celebrating Valentine’s Day, purpose it in your heart to be move loving, more forgiving and less judgmental and withholding of what is so freely given to you whether you accept it or not. LOVE.

Let love motivate you today and everyday to be kinder, nicer, more caring and compassionate one to another and save a little chocolate for a rainy day.