Secrets in friendship

Lunch with a friend on Saturday was fabulous. We ate, drank, and talked for several hours. I had a ball. The shopping afterwards was really great and the time we spent working on a project she has in the works ended the day with a bang. As I made my way back to Richmond I had time to reflect on the day and how well it went but there was this nagging in my head that reminded me that it didn't really go as good as I was making out.

You see, although we talked, I kept the conversation light and easy. I didn't delve into the hard stuff that I'm dealing with and she didn't push although she could have and had that right. A couple of times I wanted to blurt some things out but I held back and that was wrong. But it was also eye opening.

I'm a master manipulator. I can manuever things so that everyone thinks their needs are being met by saying the right things but in reality I haven't really said anything at all.

No two friends of mine could sit down and tell you the same thing because they only know what I chose to tell them not necessarily the whole story or even the same part. Why?

My reasons are two-fold... One is to save myself from my fear of rejection and the second is to save them from having to carry the burden of my problem(s). See, I think I have it all worked out. If I don't tell them anything but the good stuff then life is grand. We walk away with this false sense that all is well when in reality it could be "hell in a handbasket" and secondly it keeps the friendship intact. I don't have to fear that they will be disappointed in me, that they will judge me or even yet that they will abandon me or hold me accountable because of my thoughts or my actions.

How crazy is that? Yet it is the way I've handled the majority of my friendships. Yes, I do say some things that are pertinent and pretty open but there are so many more squelched down inside waiting to come out but unable to make it past my lips. Always wanting to be the good friend, the proper lady, the upstanding citizen never could I divulge my deepest, darkest thoughts or secrets.

Besides who would want to hear them and what purpose would they serve other than purging them from my system? Could we really talk about them openly? Would you understand? Would you even be so forthcoming about your own thoughts and feelings?

I have to wonder am I the only one holding back or do others censor their friendships too?

Aren't we all good at that? Don't we have our friends that we tell certain things to but not others?

Do you censor what you say, how you say it and when you say it? I do. I did.

Reconnecting

I've reconnected with a couple of friends since restarting my blogging efforts and am pleased to say I have had lunch with two and a visit with another. It has done my heart a world of good to be in the company of these women.

I am having lunch on Saturday with another friend and can't wait to get fed the food my soul has been clamoring for as she is so full of wisdom and usually it is from God's mouth to her lips and into my ears.

I'm just sorry its taken me this long to get it together and reach out to them and say something. Although several friends have moved on I am ok with it. In some instances I understand and even if I don't it doesn't really matter. If I allow myself to get all caught up in the whys of the situations I will just drive myself crazy and since I'm already there I figure I'll leave that one alone.

I was hurt to lose one very special friend but I know that she had a lot going on in her life when I took my hiatus away from everyone and I also allowed my guilt about another situation keep me from reaching out. I have learned that I should just go ahead and put myself out there; after all, the worse that could happen is that we go our separate ways but at least I would have done the right thing...

I look forward to catching up with a few more over the next couple of months now that the weather is changing and people will feel better about getting on the road and taking short trips to share a little food, a lot of conversation and love with one another.

Reconnecting is a wonderful thing and I am blessed to be able to have done it before it was too late.

Uncomfortable

Uncomfortable is defined as causing or feeling unease or awkwardness.

When I talk about my truth do I make you feel uncomfortable? When I put it out there for the whole world to see does that make you uncomfortable? If I were talking to you one on one about these things would you be uncomfortable that I chose you to reveal my emotions to?

Uncomfortable has been resonating in my brain for the past couple of days since I decided to just put myself out there once again and so I have to ask is it me or is it you that is experiencing this feeling?

I was having a conversation the other day with a friend and every time I mentioned something about myself the other party changed the subject. The first time it happened I thought it was just a coincidence so I deliberately did it again a couple more times and got the same result and that led me to know that she was uncomfortable with me sharing personal details of my life with her. I couldn’t figure out why since it wasn’t anything of great importance. Very basic information and certainly not scandalous by any stretch of the imagination and so it got me wondering...

If it was happening to me in such an innocent situation how many other women have experienced something similar and how has it affected them and their ability to share their world with others due to the fact that others appear uncomfortable with their sharing?

Why do you feel uncomfortable? Is it because you can empathize with my feelings or is it because you’re so caught up in your life that you don’t want to be distracted by what might be going on in someone else’s? Suppose it’s a combination of the two – you can relate but you’re also too busy to be in a position to offer assistance or support. Let’s really step out there and say you feel uncomfortable because you simply don’t care to hear about my issues – then what?

It is not my intention to make anyone feel uncomfortable whatever the reason and so if I do I apologize that it makes you feel that way but I can’t take it back. In fact, it will probably get deeper from here.

For whatever reason I feel compelled to share, to question and to probe the issues that have brought me to this point and this venue is where I’m being led to do it. I’m hoping that in my struggle you will find comfort, peace, understanding and perhaps healing of your own. I am hoping to educate and share what I have learned and am continuing to learn.

I’m hoping to create deeper more intimate relationships with those of you that come along on the journey and that you too will feel compelled to contribute to the process. It’s not all about me. God is at work here. I know that with all my heart because He released me from being bound up all these months unable to write. There has to be a purpose to that for He is very intentional in everything that He does.

So be prepared to step out of your comfort zone just as I am prepared to reveal my weaknesses and shortcomings to you. Together let us find comfort in one another and move forward stronger, bolder, healthier and happier than we’ve ever been be it by reading, commenting or silently taking it all in and then having a dialogue with Him about whatever is on your mind.

I pray this uncomfortableness will be a blessing to you.

Confusion

Lysa talked about being a little mad and a lot confused in this post. She gave us three pieces of great advice that if followed will bring you closer with God even during the silent times.

1. Press in to God when you want to pull away. (Jeremiah 29:13)
2. Praise God out loud when you want to get lost in complaints. (Psalms 40:3)
3. Put yourself in the company of truth. (Proverbs 12:26)

Now to see how I can put it to use in my life...

Confusion is my friend when it comes to my relationship with God. I don’t understand how I can be so sure of something one moment and so out of context with it the next but that is where I find myself time and time again. Mainly at my own doing but there nonetheless. I have come to realize that the silence I get from God is because I’m not fully engaged.

My relationship with God is one of longing and desire for something more than what currently is but until I plug in and stay plugged in it can’t come to fruition. I don’t just pull away, I unplug myself and run so far in the other direction I might as well be back at the starting blocks and after a while of doing this I have a tendency to stay arm’s length away just so I don’t have to continuously repeat the cycle of plugging and unplugging. I just stay unplugged, which is where I am right now. I can’t hear Him because I’ve distanced myself from Him; intentionally, deliberately and with calculated precision I pulled the plug. Part of me doesn’t want to hear and the other part of me is craving that one on one attention. I’m fighting a battle within myself and until it is settled I can’t move forward.

Praising Him is so hard to do when you don’t feel like it. And I don’t feel like it. I’m not lost in complaints I just am existing. I don’t have anything to complain about that isn’t due to some fault of my own so that is not the issue. But when I do try to get some words out they fall flat without feeling. Vain repetitions just like my prayers so I’ve stopped praying and praising for the moment. (I pray with the girls each night but I don’t have prayers where I praise Him and lay my cares at His feet) Not sure what it will take to get it started again but just not feeling it at the moment so no need to pretend. I know the saying “fake it til you make it” but I can’t do that with Him. I have to be my true authentic self and He’d know I didn’t mean it which to me is worse than not saying anything at all at this time. A hypocrite I don’t want to be.

Put yourself in the company of truth. That’s what I’m doing. Trying to surround myself with warriors of God that will keep me uplifted in prayer and girded about with the truthfulness of His word. I’m reaching out through my blog, through email, in person – let’s do lunch (hint, hint), and prayerfully those that He has purposed to support me at this time will rally together and I will be in good company.

Isolation

I have been in isolation this past year and it’s been my own doing. I didn’t intentionally isolate myself but I let my circumstances lead to it. Once again I’ve allowed myself to be ruled by what others think rather than my own thoughts and feelings. I got so caught up in being the perfect wife, the dutiful daughter, the role model for my kids, and the faithful friend, that I forgot that I am human and as such will stumble and fall from time to time myself and that’s ok. Somehow the superwoman complex had become my uniform and I have been wearing it proudly. That big S stretched out across my chest, hands on my hips as I floated two feet above ground just high enough to see over everyone’s head except my own.

In so doing, I left myself wide open for the enemy to sneak in and overtake me leading me down to a point where I was so caught up in everyone and everything else I didn’t think of me and my needs. My relationship with the One who knows all and could have steered me clear from the rocks I was about to crash into had all but ceased to exist and so crash did I ever. I forgot whose I was and who I was. Lost was the confidence to move forward and take care of me. All I could do was make it day by day for those around me that needed me and if you didn’t that was fine too.

I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities and shortsightedness that I didn’t think to reach out to see if you were ok because I was not. Pride reared its ugly head and knocked on the door and I let it in with all of its baggage of insecurity, loss, hurt, misunderstanding and denial. They came in, unpacked and settled in for the long haul. I was too down to resist and had no one to step in and say enough of this let’s get you out of here. So we became roommates of a sort and started a really great relationship. With my head down I plowed forward and just maintained everything as best I could. If it didn’t need me I let it go and soon I was down to just me because I let go of everyone else and with life these days we are all busy and so it was easy to fall off of people’s radar because life goes one with or without you.

Besides I was Superwoman and no one thought that there was anything wrong because I wore that S with so much pride. Inside though was another story and still remains that way. I am clawing my way back to myself; to a point where I am putting my needs first and allowing myself to have a say in my own life. I have a desire to plant my feet on the ground and reestablish a relationship with my Savior that is stronger than the one I let go.

I’m reaching out to my friends I pulled away from and saying I missed you, I need you, I want to make time for our relationship because it is important to me and I am praying that He will send new friends to replace the ones that chose not to extend the hand of forgiveness or if their season has passed and they are no longer part of His plan for my life. I want to be surrounded by warriors of faith that have experienced their own battles and have overcome with grace and mercy and are willing to share and impart their stories and wisdom into me so that I too may benefit from the lessons they have learned. I want to form a circle of friends that will lift me up in prayer daily and speak those words that I yet cannot utter and when I get to that place that I can I will do the same for them.

Will you join me?

He Answered

I posed the question earlier this week "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" and today my devotional answered that question explicitly. Directly to me for my purpose. I found myself re-reading it and shaking my head thinking "Wow, He really does know us and our needs." Today was just another confirmation that no matter what I think, feel or imagine in my small mind about myself and all the things I have done, thought or felt in my life there is one who looks beyond my faults, straight to my heart and knows the desires therein to be pleasing to Him, to serve Him and to be all that He desires me to be although I fall short time and time again. What a blessing these words were to me today and will be for many more to come.

I couldn't do justice in trying to tell you what the devotional said so I'm posting it here. No credit comes to me if it touches you as profoundly as it has touched me but to Sarah Young for her obedience in writing this wonderful book of devotionals (Jesus Calling) that continues to inspire and affirm God's love and desire for a deeper, more personal relationship with every single one of us.

Be blessed.

August 20

I Am A God Who Heals. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts, broken lives, and broken relationships. My very Presence has immense healing powers. You cannot live close to Me without experiencing some degree of healing. However, it is also true that you have not because you ask not. You receive the healing that flows naturally from My Presence, whether you seek it or not. But there is more-much more-available to those who ask.

The first step in receiving healing is to live ever so close to Me. The benefits of this practice are too numerous to list. As you grow more and more intimate with Me, I reveal My will to you more directly. When the time is right, I prompt you to ask for healing of some brokenness in you or in another person. The healing may be instantaneous, or it may be a process. That is up to Me. Your part is to trust Me fully and to thank Me for the restoration that has begun.

I rarely heal all the brokenness in a person's life. Even My servant Paul was told, "My grace is sufficient for you," when he sought healing for the thorn in his flesh. Nonetheless, much healing is available to those whose lives are intimately interwoven with Mine. Ask, and you will receive.

Psalm 103:3; James 4:2 (KJV); 2 Corinthians 12:7-9; Matthew 7:7

My Mother, My Self

I've always backed away when it comes to discussing my upbringing even at the behest of my many counselors who, over the years, felt I needed to purge things from my soul. But I think I've come to the point in my life when I have to make peace with myself and my life. This in no way covers my entire life but is a brief overview highlighting the things that resonate within me when I think about my relationship with my mother. This is for me because it will make me a better person if I'm not dragging around all this baggage whether my family agrees or not.

My first real memory of my mother is when I was 3 or 4 years old. She was making her bed and I was under it. At one point she stopped at which time I slid across the floor, came between her legs and looked up at her. She snatched me from under the bed and slapped me in my face and yelled at me. She thought I was trying to look up her housecoat. Never mind the fact that I'm a little girl, curious and inquisitive or the fact that I was just playing a game. That was irrelevant. The slap would remain ingrained in me for the remainder of my life and tell the tale of our journey. She has slapped me in my face time and time again since that first memory both literally and figuratively. Sometimes her words to me have hurt and lingered far longer than any slap could deliver physically and I can relay every single one of them to you. They resonate in my mind over and over again and even when they are not in the forefront, they are continuously playing in my subconscious like a broken record. Our relationship has been a tug of war. Me trying to be who I was created to be and her fighting me tooth and nail every step of the way. Stories from family members reaffirm to me that this fight of two wills transcended from my birth when she would spank me several times a night before I would succumb to her command to go to sleep.

As I got older and my needs increased I went through great lengths to get her attention but always seemed to fail unless it was to be disciplined. I was always getting into trouble even if I didn't do it. It seemed that she was destined to believe whatever was said about me because she didn't believe that I could be anything less than a thorn in her side.

I know that one could look at my life and say that it couldn't have been that way, that I imagined it. But no matter how much I pushed aside those feelings of inadequacy and inability to have my mother's love too often it was pointed out to me by others as someone else would try to compensate for the shortcomings they saw me get at my mother's hand. It was not a family secret, it was a family shame that people often tried to overlook or smooth over.

Please don't misunderstand me. My mother is a loving person. She loves my siblings, has great respect for them and has always treated them well. After all, they have lived up to her expectations and never walked against the grain. She is a good friend, a great wife to her husband and does great work for her community and church family but little of that love has trickled down to me.

I understand she had a hard life growing up and felt she missed out on a lot of things and spent a great deal of her life trying to obtain those things often at great sacrifice to others. I pray they have brought her happiness but in the process there was a lot of grief. I don't pretend to know all the details or have all the answers but I have my perspective. I have my memories, and I have my truth. The things that I saw happen for others but not for me.

I pretty much supported myself from the time I was 12. With my babysitting money I brought my clothes, school supplies, etc. I ran away from home figuratively every chance I got through babysitting for anyone and everyone that would have me. At 13 and 14 I was watching kids over night. I brought my own prom dress, my class ring, my senior pictures, invitations, cap and gown, etc., you get the picture. She was a very hands off parent when it came to me. My dad came down from NY to see me go to my prom while my mom went away with her boyfriend for the weekend.

She never even had the talk about sex with me. I found that to be very ignorant in light of the fact that my older sister got pregnant at the age of 15 and they didn't even know until she was 8 months. Suffice it to say, that I was very ignorant when it came to boys and pregnancy and found myself pregnant just before my 19th birthday. The really crazy thing is that I found out in the emergency room with my mother who took me there because I had been really sick for several days. At her command I had an abortion, after all she was my mother and I was in no position to argue with her. I had never disobeyed a direct request from her. I felt it was wrong and unfair because my sister didn't have to have one - again ignorant to the facts that given how far along she was it was impossible. What was really degrading and humiliating was she made me pay for it myself and refused to discuss or acknowledge what had transpired. Even though she dropped me off and picked me up. That was the beginning of a downward spiral into hell over the loss of my child, the disappointment I caused my mother (and don't think she didn't tell me about it) and the guilt of the act itself. Never before did I feel so worthless, unloved and alone. I went through a period of self-loathing that took me to the dark side of life. I went out trying to find love in all kinds of people and places. Participating in things that could have cost me my life on several different fronts trying to stop the hemorrhaging in my mind and soul over what had taken place.

The last physical beating came at age 18 when she took a branch from a tree in the front yard and beat me with it after I yelled at her for going back on her word about the car. She said I could use it and then decided that my brother could have it instead. Slighted again, I gave her an earful of what I thought. Never cursing her but certainly expressing my displeasure at being pushed aside yet again. I didn't even defend myself. I stood there and let her hit me with it until it broke to the point that she couldn't use it anymore. I had welts and cuts all over me but I refused to cry. When she was done my only comment to her was "Are you done?" and then I went upstairs and took a shower. I would not give her the satisfaction of shedding a tear. Shortly thereafter I moved out.

I gave her a great deal of disappointment in her life by choosing to walk to beat of a different drum. I could have been anything I wanted but the one thing I wanted was the last thing she wanted for her child. She felt it was a waste of my God-given talents. What she didn't realize is that because of our relationship that "thing" grew stronger and stronger in me until it was an obsession. All I wanted to be was a mother. The best mother in the world. I wanted to be better to my kids than she was to me. I wanted to be sure that they knew they were loved. I would be there in the afternoons when they came home from school. I would help them with their homework and share in their hopes, dreams and desires. I would not force my dreams on them. All I would want for my kids is for them to love God, respect me as their parent, get an education and make a positive contribution to society in whatever capacity that they wanted.

She on the other hand wanted us to be what she could not because she had children. She wanted me to be a big shot in corporate America. Travel the world and have all the things she did not. I didn't want that but as fate would have it I have had a pretty good career that has allowed me to support my family and travel all across the US and Europe. At times it even allowed me to be there for them in ways she was not. But the desire to be a mother has always overridden anything that would stand in my way to doing that including moving further up the corporate ladder.

She first disowned me when I was 21 and pregnant again. She wanted me to have another abortion. This time I chose life. She did not come to the hospital when he was born. In fact she didn't even acknowledge him. I would walk down the street to her house everyday and sit in the kitchen with him and she would ignore him. He was almost 2 months old before she would speak to him. Eventually she came around to accept him but not like her other grandchildren. When I needed to find a less expensive place to live she did allow me to move home for 30 days with the baby to save up enough money for a deposit on someplace. Eventually life caught up with me and I found myself living in the ghetto with a baby, no car, no savings, living pillar to post, starving and paranoid. I was robbed three times, worked two jobs, was raped twice and consequently I had a nervous breakdown, spent 30 days in rehab learning to accept my fate in life and my relationship with my mother. She never visited me in the ghetto and I lived there for three years nor did she visit me in rehab although I called and asked.

The second time she disowned me was 7 years later when I was pregnant with my second child. Again, this was a great disappointment to her especially since I was yet again a single parent. What would her friends think??? Who cares, it's my life, not yours. I did not come to her for assistance. Nor had I in the a long time. I had long ago figured out she would not help me. Heck, I had made it out of the ghetto without her assistance, was renting my own home and had a great job. I didn't come to her for anything at all but her love and acceptance but it was not there to be given. We went several months without talking but again she eventually came around. She did come to the hospital to see this grandchild after she was born. Maybe, just maybe, things would get better. They did not. We just learned to tolerate each other. Me lapping up every crumb of attention or kindness that came in my direction from her.

By the time my third child came I didn't tell her until I was 6 months pregnant, living in Virginia Beach and not in need of her approval, love or support. I was still in mourning because I had lost my best friend - my dad, and was resentful that she still lived. She was my only living parent so I had tried to move beyond our past relationship and make headway into a new beginning. She didn't say anything, finally accepting that it was my life and she couldn't change it. I figured that as she got older she was mellowing out. Wishful thinking on my part but nevertheless she was my mother and I accepted her no matter what.

Over the years we tolerated each other. She often found a way to make her opinions known and I learned to buffer myself so that they could not penetrate my heart. When I got married and took in the last three kids we were at an impasse. I was the faithful lapdog in the family. Always going to the meetings, extending the olive branch, putting me and my family out there, forcing a relationship with them, sometimes shamelessly. I felt like I was hooking myself for my family's acceptance. Even in the midst of my own personal hell I kept up the charade only to find myself hung out to dry when my world crumbled all around me to the echo of "I told you so's." "We knew something wasn't right." "You need to leave him." What I didn't expect was total abandonment, which is exactly what I got. At a time when I needed my family, namely my mom, I had no one. No one to hold me while I cried, help me through my pyschotic breakdown, depression, financial devastation once again or support me as I went through the court process, and the rebuilding of my life, except for God and a few very special people He strategically placed in my life at the right time.

Flash forward three years and here we are. Still at it, except we have come to the end of the road. I have to admit there is a mixed sense of relief underneath the unbelievable shock of her words. It is a blessed relief to know that all was not imagined. I am free. Free from longing, panting and constantly setting myself up for another smack down.

I love my mother, I love my siblings but I have never quite clicked with them and I'm finally ok with that. My dad and I, well that's how a parent/child relationship should be - unconditional love. My children and I, that's also what a true relationship should be. I err on the side of being too involved, loving them too much and wanting the best for them. I err on unconditional love. I love them because they are mine, all of them. Blessings from God sent to me for a short while to love, teach and inspire to be the best they can be. I don't always like them, what they do and how they do it but they have always had and will always have my love and support. They are not perfect. They have made a lot of mistakes and have regrets about choices they have made but through it all they have had me by their side every step of the way. I have not bailed them out but I have given them a hand up when needed. I've been their cheerleader, spiritual advisor, best friend and chief judge/jury and executioner if they did something I disagreed with or that went against my moral/spiritual standards but again they have never had to question my love or commitment to them or their lives. Mistakes? Sure, I've made a few but I've admitted them, apologized for them and learned from them as I'm sure I'll continue to.

I look forward to being a grandparent. I will be there for my grandchildren. I will love them just as I've loved their parents. I'll remember their birthdays, let them spend the night and take an interest in their lives. All of them, no matter what the circumstances of their birth may be. After all, who am I to judge?

My maternal extended family is a very spiritual family held together by the love of God and all things good and godly. My grandfather was the best, a baptist minister with a great love of God. He raised his children under that mantle and us as well. We have stuck together in thick and thin. I never imagined this would happen. I trust God works all things out for good but right now I feel that this division is necessary. I will be bowing out of our family functions for a while. It will give my mind and soul a chance to really heal. I will allow God to work on all of us.

What will be the outcome? I don't know and right now I'm not all that worried. I stand on the promises in God's word that "this too shall pass." My inspiration will come from the hymn that has always been dear to my heart, "It is Well With My Soul" because truly for the first time in a long time, It Is Well! Freedom does that.

The Happiness Project - Remember Love Pt. 2

Wow, it's been two weeks since the last time I posted. I don't have a good excuse other than life. Things have been crazy. Not necessarily in our life although I'm sure others would think so but all around us. Actually at times it's been a bit scary. I know that one of the reasons I haven't posted is because I've been trying to digest some of the craziness and see if I could make sense of it all. Unfortunately I haven't been able to the way that I would like so I've resigned myself to not having to make sense out of everything but to just watch and wait and maybe find the answers in that.

In the pursuit of happiness quest for this month we were to focus on our relationships and I was all set for that but got sidetracked when a good friend announced that her husband had decided that their marriage wasn't working for him anymore. That stopped me in my tracks; made my head spin, my stomach knot up and my blood run cold in my veins. I just couldn't fathom this couple splitting up. They were so suited for one another. Had battled their share of disappointments, hardships and setbacks but seemed to bounce back stronger than before. At least this was what I thought, from the outside looking in. I thought they had finally reached their sweet spot in life with each other and that despite the financial millstone around their neck they were doing well.

Obviously I was wrong and that bothered me. A lot more than I would have imagined. After all, what did that have to do with me and my relationship? Everything! It was a pulse check. I had to do my own internal assessment of where my husband and I are. Where I am. Was I truly happy and content with what was taking place in my marriage? Was I giving it my best? And what about my husband? That was the biggest question. How was he feeling? What was he thinking? Yes, I know we've only be married for 9 months and together for 22 but there is no set rule as to when you should start thinking about these things that I could find. I don't want to be so caught up in living our life and the day to day minutia that I don't take time and make sure we're alright. I don't want to find out that it's too much for him or that I'm not doing enough, giving, listening or spending the right amount of time with him and end up in the same spot like my friend. I don't want to be blindsided and left wondering where things went wrong.

I'm not saying that's what happened with them because I really don't know; but I do realize this second time around that my priorities have to change. I have to take the lessons learned the first time and apply them to this one. I don't want to be yet another statistic. I love my husband and I know that he loves me but truth be told our lives are full. We have six kids constantly needing or wanting something (time, attention, money, clothes, stuff for school, etc.), a house in constant need of upkeep, two jobs with opposing schedules sometimes, church responsibilities, family, friends and neighbors we try to keep up with and it gets to be a bit much. And I didn't mention working out, volunteering, or traveling for work.

So you see, with all that going on it is easy to push things aside in an effort to keep everything else going and that something usually is a someone - your spouse. I'm speaking from personal experience. Some days I want to come home, do what I have to with the kids, eat, take a shower and go to bed. Talking to my husband is optional after all we sleep in the same bed right? Wrong!! That's how I used to feel but I've learned that he needs his time to. Even if it's just to discuss the latest trade in the NBA or what's going on in his family or an idea he has about something around the house or the family vacation. It's during those moments that we are able to reconnect and get back on the same page. Although I might fall asleep during these moments, the fact that I took the time to have it wins me big points where otherwise I'd have a big fat zero. The reconnecting piece is particularly hard to do on the evenings that he works and doesn't get home until 10:30 at night because if I've crawled in the bed after putting the kids down for the night and the day has been particularly grueling I'll be asleep by 9:30. It's hard to wake up and give him my undivided attention when he gets home because I just want to go back to sleep but I try because it's important to our relationship.

I, for one, connect with him throughout the day. Thanks to modern technology he gets a stream of emails from me on his blackberry updating him on how my day is going, to what trips I've got coming up for work, who's got a doctor or dentist appointment and what groceries need to be gotten. I applaud him for being so patient with my litany of messages and the fact that he usually takes time to respond to them too. It might sound crazy to some but I feel it is important for him to know what is going on with me especially if it affects my emotions and attitude. He knows long before I pull into the driveway if I need some down time before handling the girls or if I need a little extra time to decompress before coming home. It makes the way our evenings flow much better and it keeps me honest. It's hard to fake the funk when your partner holds you accountable not just to him but to yourself.

Great, we communicate but it doesn't stop there. What about the dating, making time for each other, romance and sex. Where does that fit into this madness? If we didn't make a concerted effort it wouldn't. As part of my recovery from my past I've been in counseling for several years and during the time when we decided to get married he came to a few sessions so she could let him know what to expect from me (although he already had a pretty good idea) with regards to my PTSD and the triggers. She also counseled us to get away for at least one night every 6 weeks, if possible, to reconnect with each other physically and intimately. It was the best advice we could have been given. Our schedules don't allow a date night every week and our finances haven't always let us have a night away every 6 weeks, but whenever we have found the time and money we have made it happen and I can truly tell you that it's one of the best things we could do for our relationship. We are investing in ourselves and that makes all the difference in the world. In between those times my husband has been very creative at finding ways to make moments for ourselves. We celebrated Valentines Day on Saturday evening after the kids went to bed complete with candlelight dinner, music, flowers and dessert right in our own home. It was one of the best times I've had. We go window shopping at the malls and plan our future, to Barnes & Noble to share a treat, read and just enjoy each other. We watch movies together in the middle of the afternoon on a weekend when the kids are off doing their thing or make the sacrifice to stay up late because we know it's important to have that time. I send him cards in the mail to let him know how much I appreciate him and all that he does to make our life the best it can be and he puts notes in my lunch. Nothing breaks up a rough day at work than a love note from your spouse in your lunch box!! Call it silly, sentimental or crazy if you want but it keeps us focused on each other, our relationship and making it the best it can be.

Intimacy is a bit trickier but we keep that flame lit too. Honestly, it is a roaring fire. I'm enjoying where we are... where I am. I have found great pleasure in the romance department for the first time in my life. A lot can be said about hitting your prime in your 40's!! I have come to accept myself and my body for who I am and how it looks. I'm comfortable in my own skin and I know that my husband appreciates me for who I am. I've learned that Victoria's Secret is a cool store and opened myself up to listen and learn about what he likes and needs and do what I feel comfortable with in satisfying those likes and needs. It's been an interesting journey that I wouldn't have thought myself capable of taking, given my past, but have found that joy comes from a multitude of things including intimacy with the right person in the right way.

Now ladies, don't get me wrong, there are times when I don't feel like it for whatever reason - I'm tired, sore, stressed or just not in the mood but I know that this is an intricate part of our relationship, not to be put on shelf and taken out once or twice a month. The reality of the situation is that men have needs and the world is constantly bombarding them with images to excite those needs 24/7 therefore I have to be willing to forgo a few extra minutes of sleep, set aside my moodiness or discomfort, etc. to make sure that he is taken care of to combat those things that the enemy tries to use to make him look elsewhere to satisfy something that is as natural to him as breathing.

Disagreements, we have had a few. What married couple doesn't? I think we have a healthy perspective on how to deal with them. Especially him. Because I have issues - PTSD, there are triggers we have to be aware of and so we are careful not to get caught up in the heat of the situation but to give each other space, time and distance before regrouping and resuming our conversation. We don't believe in forcing the issue and agree to disagree on some things but not on our common beliefs and what is best for our family. We let our petty differences be just that, petty differences and move on. Life is too short to hold a grudge or have the last word. With that said and because I know he will read this let me clarify...I don't have to have the last word; I just have to have my say. It could be first, in the middle or at the end, doesn't matter - just let me have my say and all is well in our world! Bottom line, I just need to be heard. Another issue from my past, but he respects that, laughs about it and rolls with it. On the other hand, I'm probably not at accepting but I am improving. I am learning to not lump him in with my past relationships and treat him as well as he treats me. Easier said than done but it's all about doing the right thing and so that is my goal.

In the end my assessment of where we are, where I am and looking at what we are doing to maintain and strengthen our marriage was a good thing for me. I've decided that it is something I should do every six months or so because it doesn't take long for the enemy to spot a crack and make it into a great divide. I am committed to this relationship and therefore will do whatever is necessary to keep it flowing the way it should. Marriage is work. Hard work. But, the payoffs are beyond anything else that I am striving for in this day to day life I call mine besides preparing for when my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ returns. I am willing to make the sacrifices and reap the rewards here and beyond.

The Happiness Project - Remember Love

January goals: Go to bed earlier, start exercising again and organize my home office

This month's focus is on love and marriage. Rubin notes that, "working on my marriage was an obvious goal for my happiness project, because a good marriage is one of the factors most strongly associated with happiness...the atmosphere of my marriage set the weather for my whole life" (39). Scientific study, anecdotal evidence and my own personal observation certainly confirm that, arguably the most primary relationship in an adult's life, the marital relationship has a strong impact on happiness.

Today is about reflecting on where you are, and brainstorming where you want to be.

Minivan mom’s post set me to thinking and feeling a bit melancholy because her words pierced a place in me that I thought was healed, but I obviously still have issues with. My first marriage ended.in.divorce. While I agree that it is best to stay married, even in an unhappy marriage, for the sake of the children, I couldn’t. Not only was it unhappy but it was abusive on several fronts. I stuck with it for the sake of our kids – all 10 of them, for as long as I could but when it got to the point that it was just as detrimental for them as it was for me; and when I knew it was a choice between which one of us lived and which one of us died, then I knew it had to end. And in theory so did I. I fell to pieces literally. I was mentally void of any kind of rational thought, action or emotion. I functioned on auto-pilot, anti-depressants and Valium. I was Humpty Dumpty and during that awful time of my life I never thought I could/would be whole again.

The depth of my bitterness, resentment, hatred and anger could not be measured and the idea of another man entering my life was as likely as a snowball surviving a minute in hell. For two years, I worked hard at restoring my children and myself. I lost a few battles and won a few along the way trying to fight for what I thought was fair and just through our judicial system and at the hands of men found myself being victimized all over again because in the south the “good old boy” network is still alive and thriving. The healing process continued though through a group of friends that stuck closer to me than my family and continues to do so. My faith and trust in God saw me through the pit of hell and one day in my world of darkness and despair, the sun started to shine and I started to grow once again – grow confident in myself, my abilities as a woman/mother/friend and a contributing member of society. My job afforded me the opportunity to support my family and travel. Life was good and although I was alone, I was ok. More than ok. I was ecstatic because I had survived. I was tired but not weary, a little overwhelmed but not drowning. I wasn’t whole but I was no longer broken in a million little pieces. And when I least expected it my whole world got turned upside down again.

I met someone while traveling for work. I wasn’t looking, didn’t make the connection and gave little thought that this was more than a chance meeting. Little did I know that there was something much greater in the works. I met my soul mate. The person I was destined to be with. Not because he made my life wonderful and perfect because he didn’t and it’s not; but because he came into my life when I was so much less than I was when I met my first husband but he could see beyond the brokenness into what I could become and he loved me all the more because of it.

Tony’s acceptance of me, my circumstances and my baggage was more than I had ever hoped for. Trust me when I say he got the short end of the stick. I’ve never been one to deny who I am or how I am. In fact, as much as I tried not to be, I am my mother’s child. A strong, independent, I don’t need/want anybody because I can do it all by myself woman! I know what I want, how I want it and don’t think I’m going to let anyone tell me differently; especially after all that I had been through. In my first marriage I was that submissive, subservient wife. I threw away all that I was to become all that I thought he wanted on any given day to keep the peace, to make the yelling, screaming and belittling stop. Not anymore. On the inside I had become hard, determined and fiercely protective of what is mine. In spite of all of this he made his intentions known, dug his heels in and has been holding on every since.

He had one child, a son; I had 6 still at home 1 son and 5 daughters. He’s laid back, relaxed and easy going. I am type A all the way – uptight, regimented and nauseated at the idea of a vacation lasting more than 3 days (Fri, Sat & Sun). Relax was a dirty word totally foreign to me. I didn’t do much laughing, crying or having fun. I was in a groove that didn’t sway left or right but went straight down the line and it took an act of God to move me off of it but He did and I have. I zig, I zag, and I love life a whole lot more when I look at it from his perspective rather than my own. He wipes my tears, holds me in the night when the nightmares creep back in and he laughs with me and at me when I do stupid stuff for reasons unknown even to myself. He loves the salt and pepper hair – no “Nice n Easy” happening in this house and has fattened me up with his cooking and loving. Where there was once despair is now hope, where there was once ashes there are now flowers blooming – dreams on the horizon. I radiate from my head to my toes thanks to God and my husband.

These past two years have been good ones for me. I know that I could not appreciate all that Tony is if I hadn’t experienced the bad. He has taught me a lot about life, living, loving and trusting. I wouldn’t have learned the art of compromise and letting go of the small stuff or even how to laugh at myself and stop being so uptight if it weren’t for him. I can’t say that everything has changed for the better because in some ways they haven’t. We still have our struggles with the kids, finances, jobs, family – you know... life. But we’re in it together and we respect each other enough to walk away and give the other space when needed. That was essential for me because I had to learn to share my space with someone again, to trust my heart to someone again knowing full well that he could hurt me but be willing to step out on faith that even if he does that it isn’t the same and never will be. I’ve had to let go of the past hurts and prejudices and say ok, let’s give it a try and see where it leads. I’ve had to lower my expectations and free him from the incredibly high standards I had set in my mind so that he could be free to be himself and not who I would have molded him into. I had to take the lessons from the past and apply them to this relationship thus making it stronger and better than any I’ve ever had or hoped to have.

My husband challenges me to be a better person without even knowing it. The dreams he has for us stretches me in ways that want to send me running the other way but instead I move forward, taking it one day at a time, working my way through it until it feels right and I can embrace it totally. No pressure, no strings attached, no hidden agenda and no skeletons lurking in the shadows to pull me down. I am free to come into my own.

What keeps me awake at night is the feeling I have of the scales being unbalanced. For all he has given me I wonder what I give him other than a hard time. I lost so much of myself and don’t feel like I’ve gained it all back and therefore he’s missing out on those things. Like how I used to be so easy going, loving and forgiving. It was a seamless part of me and now it takes concerted effort to do all of those things. I have to choose to love, to relax, to forgive and some days to just live and not let the ghosts of the past pull me down into the darkness again.

His acceptance of me is so much more than mine of him. In my mind I replay things over and over and have to talk the walls down more often than not but he doesn’t complain, he just accepts. I throw myself out there giving and giving and often have little left to give at home but he accepts that as part of who I am and tries to protect me from myself. I’m not as understanding all the time. I can be selfish, self-centered and judgmental. He looks out for his family, always putting our needs first. He thinks the whole thing through and is willing to take a chance whereas I’d play it safe and close to my chest.

Nonetheless, it is working for us. I love him for who he is, how he is and just because he is. I love that he loves me, my children (our children) and has made our house a home. I love that he has seen me at my best and my worst and finds he is willing to accept them both. And even though he is younger than me, he is much wiser when it comes to certain things in the world that could present a clear and present danger to us.

What I hope for the future? More laughter, more love, more hope and joy. I’m slowly wrapping my brain around a trip to Disney, possibly a cruise and a vacation that is a week long. I’m looking forward to aging like fine wine with him; to watching the children grow up, welcoming grandchildren and reaching for all that is awaiting us and then some. At this point, there is a future and that is the greatest blessing of all.

Book Review - How to Reach Your Full Potential for God by Charles F. Stanley

Do you know what God has in store for you? Have you reached your maximum potential? In Dr. Stanley’s latest book he offers you 7 essentials to help you answer those questions and reach your full potential for God. It will enlighten, challenge and guide you to the deep recesses of your being and pull forth all that God has planted in you and help you develop them into their best.

It was not a quick read but a thoughtful read. I underlined, wrote notes and spent lots of time pondering and journaling as I read this book. I came away feeling like I had a road map that over time would lead me to be the best person I can be for God. It gave me a deeper understanding of who I am and what my purpose is and how to tap into the God-given gifts and potential that are stored up in me. You cannot read this book and walk away not having been touched in some way to think, do or be better than you were before you started. I highly recommend it for those who want to take their relationship with God to a whole new level.

The Twilight Saga from a mother's perspective

Lysa TerKeurst started this discussion on her blog this morning and I have to pick it up and run with it because it mirrors my own life all too well.

I read the Twilight series and enjoyed it for what it was fantasy; but I am a 45 year old woman who has fought plenty of her own demons before coming to the point that Lysa makes so poignantly in her post. I know who loves me unconditionally. I know to seek Him for all of my needs and the deepest desires of my heart but it hasn't always been that way.

Back in the day as I grew up during the 60's we had fairy tales, in the 70's we had Harlequin Romances, in the 80's and 90's it was Sidney Sheldon and Danielle Steele and then came Lifetime TV. Boy meets girl, sweeps girl off her feet and they live happily ever after was branded on my brain and into my heart. Passion and romance abound and it seemed as if it was around every corner except the ones that I turned.

As a child I struggled with issues of being loved and finding love so I became an easy target reading these things. I was caught hook, line and sinker and spent the better part of my life trying to find that perfect relationship that does not exist in the world.

No one told me that there would be hurts and disappointments, abuse, degradation, abandonment and rape. I had no idea that "love" was not a reciprocated feeling; that it was actually predicated on what the other person could get from you and once you became useless to them or unable to fulfill them easily discarded and replaced with the newest model, hair color or body shape that TV exploited.  I didn't know that it took hard work, prayer and submission to God's will for us and not our own. I thought that if I loved them, they would love me. I thought that surely someone would come along one day, see me and fall head over heels in love with me and everything would be alright. Little did I know just how far from the truth that was, yet I continued to read my romance novels, watch the chick flicks and dream/hope/pray for the day that my knight in shining armor would arrive.

He never did in the worldly sense but the day I surrendered my life to Christ (totally, not riding the fence) all my dreams came true. He has been my lifeline, my truth, my joy and my strength. Through everything that has transpired since I gave him my life he has been there for me. He has never left me nor forsaken me. I wasn't traded in, up or out for someone new and have never felt the sting of his hand on my body, nor flinched at His Words because they have always been delivered in love and tenderness. He has held me in my darkest hours and carried me from the brink of death many times seen and unseen. He is why I get up in the morning and carry on day after day in spite of what the world throws at me at any given time and if I am ever asked I confess that I love him and desire for my life to be a reflection of His goodness and mercy bestowed upon me.

Flash forward to 2009 and this phenomenon. I have a sixteen year old daughter who wanted to read the series and having read it first allowed her to so that she wouldn't be tempted to go behind my back. She hasn't finished the whole series but she's dying to see New Moon although she hasn't seen the first movie. I've said no because I personally don't want to see the movie but also because of all the hype and drama behind it. It has become something bigger than Harry Potter, High School Musical or any other teen drama in the past few years and I don't want her caught up in it.

We have discussed the realities of relationships and how this saga is "way over the top" and pretty unhealthy in it's portrayal of love and I feel that she understands this and feel blessed that she is not caught up in it like so many other girls but at the same time, if she were lost like I was I could see her making some of the same unhealthy and unwise choices in her life that I made in mine.  The difference for her is ME. I am a mother that loves the Lord. I love his Word and stand on it for truth, direction and guidance in raising my children. I take the responsibility He has bestowed upon me very seriously and when I stand before him to give an account on how I raised my children I want him to be pleased with my choices. Not that they were always the right choices because I am in no way perfect but because based on who I am and where I am in my walk with Him they were the best ones I could have made at that time.

My mother didn't talk to me, didn't guide and direct my path and therefore I was allowed to forge ahead into the wilderness without any guidance whatsoever. I promised myself to do better by my children and just like Lysa and all the other women that left comments on her blog know of someone much greater than a mere man that can provide all that my child needs by way of love and relationships, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! It is in Him that I want her to seek, find, embrace and share all the desires of her heart and allow him to lead her to whom He has chosen for her when the time is right.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33 (NKJV)