Wow, it's been two weeks since the last time I posted. I don't have a good excuse other than life. Things have been crazy. Not necessarily in our life although I'm sure others would think so but all around us. Actually at times it's been a bit scary. I know that one of the reasons I haven't posted is because I've been trying to digest some of the craziness and see if I could make sense of it all. Unfortunately I haven't been able to the way that I would like so I've resigned myself to not having to make sense out of everything but to just watch and wait and maybe find the answers in that.
In the pursuit of happiness quest for this month we were to focus on our relationships and I was all set for that but got sidetracked when a good friend announced that her husband had decided that their marriage wasn't working for him anymore. That stopped me in my tracks; made my head spin, my stomach knot up and my blood run cold in my veins. I just couldn't fathom this couple splitting up. They were so suited for one another. Had battled their share of disappointments, hardships and setbacks but seemed to bounce back stronger than before. At least this was what I thought, from the outside looking in. I thought they had finally reached their sweet spot in life with each other and that despite the financial millstone around their neck they were doing well.
Obviously I was wrong and that bothered me. A lot more than I would have imagined. After all, what did that have to do with me and my relationship? Everything! It was a pulse check. I had to do my own internal assessment of where my husband and I are. Where I am. Was I truly happy and content with what was taking place in my marriage? Was I giving it my best? And what about my husband? That was the biggest question. How was he feeling? What was he thinking? Yes, I know we've only be married for 9 months and together for 22 but there is no set rule as to when you should start thinking about these things that I could find. I don't want to be so caught up in living our life and the day to day minutia that I don't take time and make sure we're alright. I don't want to find out that it's too much for him or that I'm not doing enough, giving, listening or spending the right amount of time with him and end up in the same spot like my friend. I don't want to be blindsided and left wondering where things went wrong.
I'm not saying that's what happened with them because I really don't know; but I do realize this second time around that my priorities have to change. I have to take the lessons learned the first time and apply them to this one. I don't want to be yet another statistic. I love my husband and I know that he loves me but truth be told our lives are full. We have six kids constantly needing or wanting something (time, attention, money, clothes, stuff for school, etc.), a house in constant need of upkeep, two jobs with opposing schedules sometimes, church responsibilities, family, friends and neighbors we try to keep up with and it gets to be a bit much. And I didn't mention working out, volunteering, or traveling for work.
So you see, with all that going on it is easy to push things aside in an effort to keep everything else going and that something usually is a someone - your spouse. I'm speaking from personal experience. Some days I want to come home, do what I have to with the kids, eat, take a shower and go to bed. Talking to my husband is optional after all we sleep in the same bed right? Wrong!! That's how I used to feel but I've learned that he needs his time to. Even if it's just to discuss the latest trade in the NBA or what's going on in his family or an idea he has about something around the house or the family vacation. It's during those moments that we are able to reconnect and get back on the same page. Although I might fall asleep during these moments, the fact that I took the time to have it wins me big points where otherwise I'd have a big fat zero. The reconnecting piece is particularly hard to do on the evenings that he works and doesn't get home until 10:30 at night because if I've crawled in the bed after putting the kids down for the night and the day has been particularly grueling I'll be asleep by 9:30. It's hard to wake up and give him my undivided attention when he gets home because I just want to go back to sleep but I try because it's important to our relationship.
I, for one, connect with him throughout the day. Thanks to modern technology he gets a stream of emails from me on his blackberry updating him on how my day is going, to what trips I've got coming up for work, who's got a doctor or dentist appointment and what groceries need to be gotten. I applaud him for being so patient with my litany of messages and the fact that he usually takes time to respond to them too. It might sound crazy to some but I feel it is important for him to know what is going on with me especially if it affects my emotions and attitude. He knows long before I pull into the driveway if I need some down time before handling the girls or if I need a little extra time to decompress before coming home. It makes the way our evenings flow much better and it keeps me honest. It's hard to fake the funk when your partner holds you accountable not just to him but to yourself.
Great, we communicate but it doesn't stop there. What about the dating, making time for each other, romance and sex. Where does that fit into this madness? If we didn't make a concerted effort it wouldn't. As part of my recovery from my past I've been in counseling for several years and during the time when we decided to get married he came to a few sessions so she could let him know what to expect from me (although he already had a pretty good idea) with regards to my PTSD and the triggers. She also counseled us to get away for at least one night every 6 weeks, if possible, to reconnect with each other physically and intimately. It was the best advice we could have been given. Our schedules don't allow a date night every week and our finances haven't always let us have a night away every 6 weeks, but whenever we have found the time and money we have made it happen and I can truly tell you that it's one of the best things we could do for our relationship. We are investing in ourselves and that makes all the difference in the world. In between those times my husband has been very creative at finding ways to make moments for ourselves. We celebrated Valentines Day on Saturday evening after the kids went to bed complete with candlelight dinner, music, flowers and dessert right in our own home. It was one of the best times I've had. We go window shopping at the malls and plan our future, to Barnes & Noble to share a treat, read and just enjoy each other. We watch movies together in the middle of the afternoon on a weekend when the kids are off doing their thing or make the sacrifice to stay up late because we know it's important to have that time. I send him cards in the mail to let him know how much I appreciate him and all that he does to make our life the best it can be and he puts notes in my lunch. Nothing breaks up a rough day at work than a love note from your spouse in your lunch box!! Call it silly, sentimental or crazy if you want but it keeps us focused on each other, our relationship and making it the best it can be.
Intimacy is a bit trickier but we keep that flame lit too. Honestly, it is a roaring fire. I'm enjoying where we are... where I am. I have found great pleasure in the romance department for the first time in my life. A lot can be said about hitting your prime in your 40's!! I have come to accept myself and my body for who I am and how it looks. I'm comfortable in my own skin and I know that my husband appreciates me for who I am. I've learned that Victoria's Secret is a cool store and opened myself up to listen and learn about what he likes and needs and do what I feel comfortable with in satisfying those likes and needs. It's been an interesting journey that I wouldn't have thought myself capable of taking, given my past, but have found that joy comes from a multitude of things including intimacy with the right person in the right way.
Now ladies, don't get me wrong, there are times when I don't feel like it for whatever reason - I'm tired, sore, stressed or just not in the mood but I know that this is an intricate part of our relationship, not to be put on shelf and taken out once or twice a month. The reality of the situation is that men have needs and the world is constantly bombarding them with images to excite those needs 24/7 therefore I have to be willing to forgo a few extra minutes of sleep, set aside my moodiness or discomfort, etc. to make sure that he is taken care of to combat those things that the enemy tries to use to make him look elsewhere to satisfy something that is as natural to him as breathing.
Disagreements, we have had a few. What married couple doesn't? I think we have a healthy perspective on how to deal with them. Especially him. Because I have issues - PTSD, there are triggers we have to be aware of and so we are careful not to get caught up in the heat of the situation but to give each other space, time and distance before regrouping and resuming our conversation. We don't believe in forcing the issue and agree to disagree on some things but not on our common beliefs and what is best for our family. We let our petty differences be just that, petty differences and move on. Life is too short to hold a grudge or have the last word. With that said and because I know he will read this let me clarify...I don't have to have the last word; I just have to have my say. It could be first, in the middle or at the end, doesn't matter - just let me have my say and all is well in our world! Bottom line, I just need to be heard. Another issue from my past, but he respects that, laughs about it and rolls with it. On the other hand, I'm probably not at accepting but I am improving. I am learning to not lump him in with my past relationships and treat him as well as he treats me. Easier said than done but it's all about doing the right thing and so that is my goal.
In the end my assessment of where we are, where I am and looking at what we are doing to maintain and strengthen our marriage was a good thing for me. I've decided that it is something I should do every six months or so because it doesn't take long for the enemy to spot a crack and make it into a great divide. I am committed to this relationship and therefore will do whatever is necessary to keep it flowing the way it should. Marriage is work. Hard work. But, the payoffs are beyond anything else that I am striving for in this day to day life I call mine besides preparing for when my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ returns. I am willing to make the sacrifices and reap the rewards here and beyond.
Showing posts with label happiness project. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness project. Show all posts
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
The Happiness Project - Remember Love
January goals: Go to bed earlier, start exercising again and organize my home office
This month's focus is on love and marriage. Rubin notes that, "working on my marriage was an obvious goal for my happiness project, because a good marriage is one of the factors most strongly associated with happiness...the atmosphere of my marriage set the weather for my whole life" (39). Scientific study, anecdotal evidence and my own personal observation certainly confirm that, arguably the most primary relationship in an adult's life, the marital relationship has a strong impact on happiness.
Today is about reflecting on where you are, and brainstorming where you want to be.
Minivan mom’s post set me to thinking and feeling a bit melancholy because her words pierced a place in me that I thought was healed, but I obviously still have issues with. My first marriage ended.in.divorce. While I agree that it is best to stay married, even in an unhappy marriage, for the sake of the children, I couldn’t. Not only was it unhappy but it was abusive on several fronts. I stuck with it for the sake of our kids – all 10 of them, for as long as I could but when it got to the point that it was just as detrimental for them as it was for me; and when I knew it was a choice between which one of us lived and which one of us died, then I knew it had to end. And in theory so did I. I fell to pieces literally. I was mentally void of any kind of rational thought, action or emotion. I functioned on auto-pilot, anti-depressants and Valium. I was Humpty Dumpty and during that awful time of my life I never thought I could/would be whole again.
The depth of my bitterness, resentment, hatred and anger could not be measured and the idea of another man entering my life was as likely as a snowball surviving a minute in hell. For two years, I worked hard at restoring my children and myself. I lost a few battles and won a few along the way trying to fight for what I thought was fair and just through our judicial system and at the hands of men found myself being victimized all over again because in the south the “good old boy” network is still alive and thriving. The healing process continued though through a group of friends that stuck closer to me than my family and continues to do so. My faith and trust in God saw me through the pit of hell and one day in my world of darkness and despair, the sun started to shine and I started to grow once again – grow confident in myself, my abilities as a woman/mother/friend and a contributing member of society. My job afforded me the opportunity to support my family and travel. Life was good and although I was alone, I was ok. More than ok. I was ecstatic because I had survived. I was tired but not weary, a little overwhelmed but not drowning. I wasn’t whole but I was no longer broken in a million little pieces. And when I least expected it my whole world got turned upside down again.
I met someone while traveling for work. I wasn’t looking, didn’t make the connection and gave little thought that this was more than a chance meeting. Little did I know that there was something much greater in the works. I met my soul mate. The person I was destined to be with. Not because he made my life wonderful and perfect because he didn’t and it’s not; but because he came into my life when I was so much less than I was when I met my first husband but he could see beyond the brokenness into what I could become and he loved me all the more because of it.
Tony’s acceptance of me, my circumstances and my baggage was more than I had ever hoped for. Trust me when I say he got the short end of the stick. I’ve never been one to deny who I am or how I am. In fact, as much as I tried not to be, I am my mother’s child. A strong, independent, I don’t need/want anybody because I can do it all by myself woman! I know what I want, how I want it and don’t think I’m going to let anyone tell me differently; especially after all that I had been through. In my first marriage I was that submissive, subservient wife. I threw away all that I was to become all that I thought he wanted on any given day to keep the peace, to make the yelling, screaming and belittling stop. Not anymore. On the inside I had become hard, determined and fiercely protective of what is mine. In spite of all of this he made his intentions known, dug his heels in and has been holding on every since.
He had one child, a son; I had 6 still at home 1 son and 5 daughters. He’s laid back, relaxed and easy going. I am type A all the way – uptight, regimented and nauseated at the idea of a vacation lasting more than 3 days (Fri, Sat & Sun). Relax was a dirty word totally foreign to me. I didn’t do much laughing, crying or having fun. I was in a groove that didn’t sway left or right but went straight down the line and it took an act of God to move me off of it but He did and I have. I zig, I zag, and I love life a whole lot more when I look at it from his perspective rather than my own. He wipes my tears, holds me in the night when the nightmares creep back in and he laughs with me and at me when I do stupid stuff for reasons unknown even to myself. He loves the salt and pepper hair – no “Nice n Easy” happening in this house and has fattened me up with his cooking and loving. Where there was once despair is now hope, where there was once ashes there are now flowers blooming – dreams on the horizon. I radiate from my head to my toes thanks to God and my husband.
These past two years have been good ones for me. I know that I could not appreciate all that Tony is if I hadn’t experienced the bad. He has taught me a lot about life, living, loving and trusting. I wouldn’t have learned the art of compromise and letting go of the small stuff or even how to laugh at myself and stop being so uptight if it weren’t for him. I can’t say that everything has changed for the better because in some ways they haven’t. We still have our struggles with the kids, finances, jobs, family – you know... life. But we’re in it together and we respect each other enough to walk away and give the other space when needed. That was essential for me because I had to learn to share my space with someone again, to trust my heart to someone again knowing full well that he could hurt me but be willing to step out on faith that even if he does that it isn’t the same and never will be. I’ve had to let go of the past hurts and prejudices and say ok, let’s give it a try and see where it leads. I’ve had to lower my expectations and free him from the incredibly high standards I had set in my mind so that he could be free to be himself and not who I would have molded him into. I had to take the lessons from the past and apply them to this relationship thus making it stronger and better than any I’ve ever had or hoped to have.
My husband challenges me to be a better person without even knowing it. The dreams he has for us stretches me in ways that want to send me running the other way but instead I move forward, taking it one day at a time, working my way through it until it feels right and I can embrace it totally. No pressure, no strings attached, no hidden agenda and no skeletons lurking in the shadows to pull me down. I am free to come into my own.
What keeps me awake at night is the feeling I have of the scales being unbalanced. For all he has given me I wonder what I give him other than a hard time. I lost so much of myself and don’t feel like I’ve gained it all back and therefore he’s missing out on those things. Like how I used to be so easy going, loving and forgiving. It was a seamless part of me and now it takes concerted effort to do all of those things. I have to choose to love, to relax, to forgive and some days to just live and not let the ghosts of the past pull me down into the darkness again.
His acceptance of me is so much more than mine of him. In my mind I replay things over and over and have to talk the walls down more often than not but he doesn’t complain, he just accepts. I throw myself out there giving and giving and often have little left to give at home but he accepts that as part of who I am and tries to protect me from myself. I’m not as understanding all the time. I can be selfish, self-centered and judgmental. He looks out for his family, always putting our needs first. He thinks the whole thing through and is willing to take a chance whereas I’d play it safe and close to my chest.
Nonetheless, it is working for us. I love him for who he is, how he is and just because he is. I love that he loves me, my children (our children) and has made our house a home. I love that he has seen me at my best and my worst and finds he is willing to accept them both. And even though he is younger than me, he is much wiser when it comes to certain things in the world that could present a clear and present danger to us.
What I hope for the future? More laughter, more love, more hope and joy. I’m slowly wrapping my brain around a trip to Disney, possibly a cruise and a vacation that is a week long. I’m looking forward to aging like fine wine with him; to watching the children grow up, welcoming grandchildren and reaching for all that is awaiting us and then some. At this point, there is a future and that is the greatest blessing of all.
This month's focus is on love and marriage. Rubin notes that, "working on my marriage was an obvious goal for my happiness project, because a good marriage is one of the factors most strongly associated with happiness...the atmosphere of my marriage set the weather for my whole life" (39). Scientific study, anecdotal evidence and my own personal observation certainly confirm that, arguably the most primary relationship in an adult's life, the marital relationship has a strong impact on happiness.
Today is about reflecting on where you are, and brainstorming where you want to be.
Minivan mom’s post set me to thinking and feeling a bit melancholy because her words pierced a place in me that I thought was healed, but I obviously still have issues with. My first marriage ended.in.divorce. While I agree that it is best to stay married, even in an unhappy marriage, for the sake of the children, I couldn’t. Not only was it unhappy but it was abusive on several fronts. I stuck with it for the sake of our kids – all 10 of them, for as long as I could but when it got to the point that it was just as detrimental for them as it was for me; and when I knew it was a choice between which one of us lived and which one of us died, then I knew it had to end. And in theory so did I. I fell to pieces literally. I was mentally void of any kind of rational thought, action or emotion. I functioned on auto-pilot, anti-depressants and Valium. I was Humpty Dumpty and during that awful time of my life I never thought I could/would be whole again.
The depth of my bitterness, resentment, hatred and anger could not be measured and the idea of another man entering my life was as likely as a snowball surviving a minute in hell. For two years, I worked hard at restoring my children and myself. I lost a few battles and won a few along the way trying to fight for what I thought was fair and just through our judicial system and at the hands of men found myself being victimized all over again because in the south the “good old boy” network is still alive and thriving. The healing process continued though through a group of friends that stuck closer to me than my family and continues to do so. My faith and trust in God saw me through the pit of hell and one day in my world of darkness and despair, the sun started to shine and I started to grow once again – grow confident in myself, my abilities as a woman/mother/friend and a contributing member of society. My job afforded me the opportunity to support my family and travel. Life was good and although I was alone, I was ok. More than ok. I was ecstatic because I had survived. I was tired but not weary, a little overwhelmed but not drowning. I wasn’t whole but I was no longer broken in a million little pieces. And when I least expected it my whole world got turned upside down again.
I met someone while traveling for work. I wasn’t looking, didn’t make the connection and gave little thought that this was more than a chance meeting. Little did I know that there was something much greater in the works. I met my soul mate. The person I was destined to be with. Not because he made my life wonderful and perfect because he didn’t and it’s not; but because he came into my life when I was so much less than I was when I met my first husband but he could see beyond the brokenness into what I could become and he loved me all the more because of it.
Tony’s acceptance of me, my circumstances and my baggage was more than I had ever hoped for. Trust me when I say he got the short end of the stick. I’ve never been one to deny who I am or how I am. In fact, as much as I tried not to be, I am my mother’s child. A strong, independent, I don’t need/want anybody because I can do it all by myself woman! I know what I want, how I want it and don’t think I’m going to let anyone tell me differently; especially after all that I had been through. In my first marriage I was that submissive, subservient wife. I threw away all that I was to become all that I thought he wanted on any given day to keep the peace, to make the yelling, screaming and belittling stop. Not anymore. On the inside I had become hard, determined and fiercely protective of what is mine. In spite of all of this he made his intentions known, dug his heels in and has been holding on every since.
He had one child, a son; I had 6 still at home 1 son and 5 daughters. He’s laid back, relaxed and easy going. I am type A all the way – uptight, regimented and nauseated at the idea of a vacation lasting more than 3 days (Fri, Sat & Sun). Relax was a dirty word totally foreign to me. I didn’t do much laughing, crying or having fun. I was in a groove that didn’t sway left or right but went straight down the line and it took an act of God to move me off of it but He did and I have. I zig, I zag, and I love life a whole lot more when I look at it from his perspective rather than my own. He wipes my tears, holds me in the night when the nightmares creep back in and he laughs with me and at me when I do stupid stuff for reasons unknown even to myself. He loves the salt and pepper hair – no “Nice n Easy” happening in this house and has fattened me up with his cooking and loving. Where there was once despair is now hope, where there was once ashes there are now flowers blooming – dreams on the horizon. I radiate from my head to my toes thanks to God and my husband.
These past two years have been good ones for me. I know that I could not appreciate all that Tony is if I hadn’t experienced the bad. He has taught me a lot about life, living, loving and trusting. I wouldn’t have learned the art of compromise and letting go of the small stuff or even how to laugh at myself and stop being so uptight if it weren’t for him. I can’t say that everything has changed for the better because in some ways they haven’t. We still have our struggles with the kids, finances, jobs, family – you know... life. But we’re in it together and we respect each other enough to walk away and give the other space when needed. That was essential for me because I had to learn to share my space with someone again, to trust my heart to someone again knowing full well that he could hurt me but be willing to step out on faith that even if he does that it isn’t the same and never will be. I’ve had to let go of the past hurts and prejudices and say ok, let’s give it a try and see where it leads. I’ve had to lower my expectations and free him from the incredibly high standards I had set in my mind so that he could be free to be himself and not who I would have molded him into. I had to take the lessons from the past and apply them to this relationship thus making it stronger and better than any I’ve ever had or hoped to have.
My husband challenges me to be a better person without even knowing it. The dreams he has for us stretches me in ways that want to send me running the other way but instead I move forward, taking it one day at a time, working my way through it until it feels right and I can embrace it totally. No pressure, no strings attached, no hidden agenda and no skeletons lurking in the shadows to pull me down. I am free to come into my own.
What keeps me awake at night is the feeling I have of the scales being unbalanced. For all he has given me I wonder what I give him other than a hard time. I lost so much of myself and don’t feel like I’ve gained it all back and therefore he’s missing out on those things. Like how I used to be so easy going, loving and forgiving. It was a seamless part of me and now it takes concerted effort to do all of those things. I have to choose to love, to relax, to forgive and some days to just live and not let the ghosts of the past pull me down into the darkness again.
His acceptance of me is so much more than mine of him. In my mind I replay things over and over and have to talk the walls down more often than not but he doesn’t complain, he just accepts. I throw myself out there giving and giving and often have little left to give at home but he accepts that as part of who I am and tries to protect me from myself. I’m not as understanding all the time. I can be selfish, self-centered and judgmental. He looks out for his family, always putting our needs first. He thinks the whole thing through and is willing to take a chance whereas I’d play it safe and close to my chest.
Nonetheless, it is working for us. I love him for who he is, how he is and just because he is. I love that he loves me, my children (our children) and has made our house a home. I love that he has seen me at my best and my worst and finds he is willing to accept them both. And even though he is younger than me, he is much wiser when it comes to certain things in the world that could present a clear and present danger to us.
What I hope for the future? More laughter, more love, more hope and joy. I’m slowly wrapping my brain around a trip to Disney, possibly a cruise and a vacation that is a week long. I’m looking forward to aging like fine wine with him; to watching the children grow up, welcoming grandchildren and reaching for all that is awaiting us and then some. At this point, there is a future and that is the greatest blessing of all.
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Happiness Project - Boost Energy Pt. 2
So how did I do with my goals? Not as bad as I thought.
#1 - Of course, I bombed on getting to bed early every night but I did fall asleep before 11:00 several nights throughout the month including 2 this past week and felt much more rested the following day. I can’t say that if I kept this up on a regular basis it would make much difference because I just don’t envision that in my life but I will be more mindful of my body’s needs and when I find myself getting sleepy or nodding off I will be obedient and allow myself the luxury of giving in to that moment if there is nothing earth shattering that requires my attention.
#2 – Not only did I sign up, get weighed, measured (in front of my coworkers) and sign away my rights for the use of the gym but I also brought in my workout clothes! They are in a bag under my desk just waiting for me to drag them out, put them on and hit the treadmill or elliptical. We also had a fire drill which prompted me to have to walk down 8 flights of stairs in heels no less. I was not winded which was a good sign to me. I’ve been physically fit for most of my life even anorexic at one time I had lost so much weight due to stress and IBS but I continued working out because it has always brought me a sense of satisfaction and self pride. The past two years I let my gym membership lapse due to financial constraints and found it much harder to motivate myself without the pull of the gym. Not to mention, that my husband is a fantastic cook who is more concerned with pleasing my appetites vs. the type of foods I should be eating. I don’t think it helps that I was eating at 8:00 and 9:00P and then heading off to bed. I’m looking to drop 20lbs and/or lose about 6 inches in my waist and 2 or 3 off my thighs.
I paid the non-refundable registration fee for the marathon and signed my husband up for it as well so that I have a little competition going. So, I think it’s safe to say that progress has been made. I’ll update you on the status of this at the end of February with an update on the weight, inches, etc. and let you know how it relates to my happiness quotient.
#3 & #4 – Besides restoring and organizing my new work space, I did get off to a pretty good job of purging my home office. I had 6 bags of shredding and am no longer in possession of my bank statements from 1999 through 2008. I shredded leases, letters, cards, notes, and billing statements. I tossed magazines (all of my Oprah magazines for the past 6 years…) and pictures from the kids (shhhh). There is just no way you can keep ALL the artwork from 10 kids and have an uncluttered home so I purged through and kept a little bit of everything that pricked my heart when I came across it. I’ve laminated them to keep them fresh and everyone has a folder/crate with artwork of various sizes and shapes. I took supplies to work from my space there and hence I am ready to really get it organized. I’ve decided to put the space heater out there for a couple of hours each night I choose to spend time out there and work until it is a done deal. My goal is to have this complete by February 26. I’m thinking of taking a before and after photo just so you can see the magnitude of the job.
#5 – I’m hoping that if I can accomplish #2, #3 and #4 that I won’t have to ACT more energetic but I will BE more energetic.
Stay tuned as I continue this trek and see where I end up!
February’s focus is on love and relationships. I wonder where that will lead…
#1 - Of course, I bombed on getting to bed early every night but I did fall asleep before 11:00 several nights throughout the month including 2 this past week and felt much more rested the following day. I can’t say that if I kept this up on a regular basis it would make much difference because I just don’t envision that in my life but I will be more mindful of my body’s needs and when I find myself getting sleepy or nodding off I will be obedient and allow myself the luxury of giving in to that moment if there is nothing earth shattering that requires my attention.
#2 – Not only did I sign up, get weighed, measured (in front of my coworkers) and sign away my rights for the use of the gym but I also brought in my workout clothes! They are in a bag under my desk just waiting for me to drag them out, put them on and hit the treadmill or elliptical. We also had a fire drill which prompted me to have to walk down 8 flights of stairs in heels no less. I was not winded which was a good sign to me. I’ve been physically fit for most of my life even anorexic at one time I had lost so much weight due to stress and IBS but I continued working out because it has always brought me a sense of satisfaction and self pride. The past two years I let my gym membership lapse due to financial constraints and found it much harder to motivate myself without the pull of the gym. Not to mention, that my husband is a fantastic cook who is more concerned with pleasing my appetites vs. the type of foods I should be eating. I don’t think it helps that I was eating at 8:00 and 9:00P and then heading off to bed. I’m looking to drop 20lbs and/or lose about 6 inches in my waist and 2 or 3 off my thighs.
I paid the non-refundable registration fee for the marathon and signed my husband up for it as well so that I have a little competition going. So, I think it’s safe to say that progress has been made. I’ll update you on the status of this at the end of February with an update on the weight, inches, etc. and let you know how it relates to my happiness quotient.
#3 & #4 – Besides restoring and organizing my new work space, I did get off to a pretty good job of purging my home office. I had 6 bags of shredding and am no longer in possession of my bank statements from 1999 through 2008. I shredded leases, letters, cards, notes, and billing statements. I tossed magazines (all of my Oprah magazines for the past 6 years…) and pictures from the kids (shhhh). There is just no way you can keep ALL the artwork from 10 kids and have an uncluttered home so I purged through and kept a little bit of everything that pricked my heart when I came across it. I’ve laminated them to keep them fresh and everyone has a folder/crate with artwork of various sizes and shapes. I took supplies to work from my space there and hence I am ready to really get it organized. I’ve decided to put the space heater out there for a couple of hours each night I choose to spend time out there and work until it is a done deal. My goal is to have this complete by February 26. I’m thinking of taking a before and after photo just so you can see the magnitude of the job.
#5 – I’m hoping that if I can accomplish #2, #3 and #4 that I won’t have to ACT more energetic but I will BE more energetic.
Stay tuned as I continue this trek and see where I end up!
February’s focus is on love and relationships. I wonder where that will lead…
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Happiness Project - Boost Energy, part I
The month of January is devoted to consciously working on boosting vitality and energy, because as Rubin writes, "research shows being happy energizes you, and at the same time, having more energy makes it easier for you to engage in activities - like socializing and exercise - that boost happiness. Studies also show that when you feel energetic, your self-esteem rises" (18).
For her project, Rubin decided to work on the following 5 steps to boost her energy:
LOL, more energy? Most people accuse me of being the “Energizer Bunny” so I’m laughing at the idea of more energy although lately I don’t feel that is the case. My energy level is fine but how I channel my energy is the problem. Right now I’m basically flying by the seat of my pants with no set path. I’m in a new job literally feeling my way through each day much like a blind person who walks into an unfamiliar room. I am loving it but I’m not flowing in a set pattern or with what I feel is order and organization. If you didn’t realize by the title of my blog, I thrive on organization even if it’s just in my own mind and 99% of the time that’s how it is. So the feeling of being out of sorts adds stress which is said to drain you of energy which I guess can lead to a diminished feeling of happiness. And I said all of that why? I guess because I’m in denial of needing more energy or redirecting myself so that my energy flows better.
Will you work on one of Rubin’s 5 steps, or create new ones of your own?
I decided why bother to recreate the wheel and take up Linda’s steps and I’m happy to report that this week I have failed at them all but #5. If I can’t do anything else, I can fake the funk, I mean the energetic feeling.
#1 - This is not a week to try to go to sleep earlier as I have meetings planned for every evening this week and if I can hit the pillow before 11:00 on any given night I’ll be doing good.
#2 - I did sign up for gym privileges at work if that counts for #2 but I can’t start using the gym until next week. I also signed up for our annual 10k marathon in the city on March 27 so I definitely have a hard goal set to prepare for. I can do a 5k in 45 minutes but haven’t tried a 10k so it is my desire to complete it in 2 hours or less for my first time out. I have a harder goal out there for myself but I refuse to let anyone else know just how sadistic I can be when it comes to pushing myself.
#3 – Toss, restore, organize – I am “Queen B” at doing that; especially at work. At my new job I have tossed, tossed and tossed to the point that I fear that if I don’t stop I might find myself with empty file drawers. I’ve restored my area to look like I’ve been there for two years instead of 2 weeks and my files are so organized that even my bosses could find what they needed if they were so inclined. I have a bit more work to do when it comes to my personal space though. I have a deep seeded need to torture myself with things of the past and so I have a hard time of letting go of things even if its for my own good.
#4 – Tackle a nagging task – Right now the most nagging task is to organize my home/home office. My husband has been taking care of the home piece so I’ve kinda relinquished that nag off to his “honey do” list. See the latter part of #3 and then keep reading. In order to effectively accomplish this task I need time, I need heat (right now it’s stays about 10 degrees warmer than the outside temperature because it is all glass) and I need peace, quiet and undisturbed time. Living with 7 other people makes this virtually impossible. And did I mention it was glass, which makes me a target for everyone who passes by to stop, knock and interrupt my groove. Oh yeah, there needs to be a desire to eliminate the nag as well, and right now I just don’t have it. I’d rather, read, watch TV, take a nap, or help the kids with homework. I am a deadline driven fool and I’ve yet to give myself a deadline so although it nags me that it isn’t done, I’m not motivated by my perfectionistic desire to accomplish the task because there isn’t an end date. You think maybe I should set one…
#5 – Act more energetic – I’ve smiled, cheered, worked, laughed, ran, fought and bounced my way through life. I couldn’t act any more energized if I tried. It’s a part I was born to play. My ADD/ADHD, competitive, people pleasing, perfectionistic tendencies only seem to increase this 10 fold as I am not going to be outdone or come up short. Some days I feel like I’m going to go down in flames in an effort to do it all but alas I succeed and start all over again smile in tack, princess wave down pat and all my little ducks in a row.
OK, assessment done and I’m left feeling deflated. OMGosh, where is the happiness in this?
For her project, Rubin decided to work on the following 5 steps to boost her energy:
- Go to sleep earlier
- Exercise better
- Toss, restore, organize
- Tackle a nagging task
- Act more energetic
LOL, more energy? Most people accuse me of being the “Energizer Bunny” so I’m laughing at the idea of more energy although lately I don’t feel that is the case. My energy level is fine but how I channel my energy is the problem. Right now I’m basically flying by the seat of my pants with no set path. I’m in a new job literally feeling my way through each day much like a blind person who walks into an unfamiliar room. I am loving it but I’m not flowing in a set pattern or with what I feel is order and organization. If you didn’t realize by the title of my blog, I thrive on organization even if it’s just in my own mind and 99% of the time that’s how it is. So the feeling of being out of sorts adds stress which is said to drain you of energy which I guess can lead to a diminished feeling of happiness. And I said all of that why? I guess because I’m in denial of needing more energy or redirecting myself so that my energy flows better.
Will you work on one of Rubin’s 5 steps, or create new ones of your own?
I decided why bother to recreate the wheel and take up Linda’s steps and I’m happy to report that this week I have failed at them all but #5. If I can’t do anything else, I can fake the funk, I mean the energetic feeling.
#1 - This is not a week to try to go to sleep earlier as I have meetings planned for every evening this week and if I can hit the pillow before 11:00 on any given night I’ll be doing good.
#2 - I did sign up for gym privileges at work if that counts for #2 but I can’t start using the gym until next week. I also signed up for our annual 10k marathon in the city on March 27 so I definitely have a hard goal set to prepare for. I can do a 5k in 45 minutes but haven’t tried a 10k so it is my desire to complete it in 2 hours or less for my first time out. I have a harder goal out there for myself but I refuse to let anyone else know just how sadistic I can be when it comes to pushing myself.
#3 – Toss, restore, organize – I am “Queen B” at doing that; especially at work. At my new job I have tossed, tossed and tossed to the point that I fear that if I don’t stop I might find myself with empty file drawers. I’ve restored my area to look like I’ve been there for two years instead of 2 weeks and my files are so organized that even my bosses could find what they needed if they were so inclined. I have a bit more work to do when it comes to my personal space though. I have a deep seeded need to torture myself with things of the past and so I have a hard time of letting go of things even if its for my own good.
#4 – Tackle a nagging task – Right now the most nagging task is to organize my home/home office. My husband has been taking care of the home piece so I’ve kinda relinquished that nag off to his “honey do” list. See the latter part of #3 and then keep reading. In order to effectively accomplish this task I need time, I need heat (right now it’s stays about 10 degrees warmer than the outside temperature because it is all glass) and I need peace, quiet and undisturbed time. Living with 7 other people makes this virtually impossible. And did I mention it was glass, which makes me a target for everyone who passes by to stop, knock and interrupt my groove. Oh yeah, there needs to be a desire to eliminate the nag as well, and right now I just don’t have it. I’d rather, read, watch TV, take a nap, or help the kids with homework. I am a deadline driven fool and I’ve yet to give myself a deadline so although it nags me that it isn’t done, I’m not motivated by my perfectionistic desire to accomplish the task because there isn’t an end date. You think maybe I should set one…
#5 – Act more energetic – I’ve smiled, cheered, worked, laughed, ran, fought and bounced my way through life. I couldn’t act any more energized if I tried. It’s a part I was born to play. My ADD/ADHD, competitive, people pleasing, perfectionistic tendencies only seem to increase this 10 fold as I am not going to be outdone or come up short. Some days I feel like I’m going to go down in flames in an effort to do it all but alas I succeed and start all over again smile in tack, princess wave down pat and all my little ducks in a row.
OK, assessment done and I’m left feeling deflated. OMGosh, where is the happiness in this?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Happiness Project
More Than a Minivan Mom and I go back over ten years; long before she was "famous" in the blog world. I love her dearly not just what she writes but how honest she is to herself, her friends and family. She puts it all out there - thoughts, feelings, rants, commentary - some good and some bad, politically correct or not. I envy how she says what she means and means what she says. I certainly don't agree with what she says all the time but I love to read what is on her mind. I respect her opinions and always give pause to consider things from her side before discounting it with my own.
I am her sideline cheerleader and stand amazed at all she has accomplished and is still doing. She is one of the few great teachers who still care about the kids and getting the most out of them. I wish she were here teaching and not Dallas because I know my kids would learn a lot from her. So, suffice it to say that when she announced that she was doing the Happiness Project and I decided to have a wack at it as well. I'm hoping I'll find out more things to appreciate about my life than I already do.
10 things I like about where I live...
10. Location, location, location - I have it made living in Richmond. I am two hours from the mountains, two hours from the ocean and two hours from DC. We are the halfway point between New England and Florida and with that we get to have all four seasons.
9. History - Virginia is packed with history. As is typical of people who live in such places, I don't appreciate the heritage and history as much as I should. I haven't visited all the battlegrounds or historical wonders but it is a bit thrilling living in the Capital of the Confederate.
8. Food - We have some great restaurants in Richmond and the surrounding area. I grew up on the southern cuisine and enjoy it every chance I get although I prefer to cook it myself. A few of my favorite restaurants are Croaker Spot, Poe's Pub, The Tobacco Company, The Jefferson Hotel, and The Halfway House.
7. Schools - We live where we do for the school system. It is one of the best in the state. Although I'm not happy with how most educational systems have gone to a system of standardized testing/teaching our kids do still have options for their education. Virginia is also home to some great schools of higher education. Virginia Tech, JMU, William & Mary, VCU, UVA, VUU, VSU, etc.
6. Quality of life - We are not the metropolis of Dallas, don't have the NY thing going on and thankfully not as congested as Atlanta. Here in Richmond we have a pace that suits us. We enjoy a slow, easy summer and a fall full of tradition - football, tailgating, turning of the leaves, bonfires and apple cider. I live in the suburbs and work in the city. My mom lives on a farm and the kids get to run and have fun although not as often or quite the same way as I did but they get a taste of it.
5. Shopping - Outlets, outlets, outlets and now we have Saks, Nordstrom, etc. If I loved shopping, which I don't, unless I have the money, I'd have plenty to choose from no matter what direction I headed in. Unfortunately for my friends and family shopping for me consists largely of Walmart. My home away from home! Gap, Old Navy and JC Penney have become regulars in my wardrobe as well.
4. Opportunity - We are up and coming. Several major companies have relocated their headquarters here although others have departed but I think that we have a bright future and more opportunity to come.
3. Sports & Recreation - We have hockey (maybe), baseball is back (yahoo!), football - arena & the Redskins (boo), basketball (college), soccer and Nascar racing!!! - love that sound of the engines starting and the feeling of sitting in the stands and being a part of the action. Not to mention horse racing, theme parks (Kings Dominion, Busch Gardens), skiing, horseback riding, parks, etc.
2. Culture - There is much culture in Virginia if you can get past the confederate flag, which I have no ill will towards. We have the people of the eastern shore, the farmers, the mountaineers and the gentile southerners who love every one as long as they mind their manners. We have Monument Avenue with our confederate icons but Arthur Ashe crashed that party a few years ago, Shockoe Bottom, Oregon Hill, Jackson Ward and Charlottesville (home of Thomas Jefferson's Monticello).
1. Family & friends - this is home. I was born in New York but my formative years were spent here. The majority of my family lives here and although I've left, the longing for home drew me back. I couldn't imagine not being close enough to them that I couldn't make it in a couple of hours but far enough away that they aren't crowding my life. There isn't anywhere that one can go in this state where you won't run into an old friend of a friend if you were born and/or raised here.
I am her sideline cheerleader and stand amazed at all she has accomplished and is still doing. She is one of the few great teachers who still care about the kids and getting the most out of them. I wish she were here teaching and not Dallas because I know my kids would learn a lot from her. So, suffice it to say that when she announced that she was doing the Happiness Project and I decided to have a wack at it as well. I'm hoping I'll find out more things to appreciate about my life than I already do.
10 things I like about where I live...
10. Location, location, location - I have it made living in Richmond. I am two hours from the mountains, two hours from the ocean and two hours from DC. We are the halfway point between New England and Florida and with that we get to have all four seasons.
9. History - Virginia is packed with history. As is typical of people who live in such places, I don't appreciate the heritage and history as much as I should. I haven't visited all the battlegrounds or historical wonders but it is a bit thrilling living in the Capital of the Confederate.
8. Food - We have some great restaurants in Richmond and the surrounding area. I grew up on the southern cuisine and enjoy it every chance I get although I prefer to cook it myself. A few of my favorite restaurants are Croaker Spot, Poe's Pub, The Tobacco Company, The Jefferson Hotel, and The Halfway House.
7. Schools - We live where we do for the school system. It is one of the best in the state. Although I'm not happy with how most educational systems have gone to a system of standardized testing/teaching our kids do still have options for their education. Virginia is also home to some great schools of higher education. Virginia Tech, JMU, William & Mary, VCU, UVA, VUU, VSU, etc.
6. Quality of life - We are not the metropolis of Dallas, don't have the NY thing going on and thankfully not as congested as Atlanta. Here in Richmond we have a pace that suits us. We enjoy a slow, easy summer and a fall full of tradition - football, tailgating, turning of the leaves, bonfires and apple cider. I live in the suburbs and work in the city. My mom lives on a farm and the kids get to run and have fun although not as often or quite the same way as I did but they get a taste of it.
5. Shopping - Outlets, outlets, outlets and now we have Saks, Nordstrom, etc. If I loved shopping, which I don't, unless I have the money, I'd have plenty to choose from no matter what direction I headed in. Unfortunately for my friends and family shopping for me consists largely of Walmart. My home away from home! Gap, Old Navy and JC Penney have become regulars in my wardrobe as well.
4. Opportunity - We are up and coming. Several major companies have relocated their headquarters here although others have departed but I think that we have a bright future and more opportunity to come.
3. Sports & Recreation - We have hockey (maybe), baseball is back (yahoo!), football - arena & the Redskins (boo), basketball (college), soccer and Nascar racing!!! - love that sound of the engines starting and the feeling of sitting in the stands and being a part of the action. Not to mention horse racing, theme parks (Kings Dominion, Busch Gardens), skiing, horseback riding, parks, etc.
2. Culture - There is much culture in Virginia if you can get past the confederate flag, which I have no ill will towards. We have the people of the eastern shore, the farmers, the mountaineers and the gentile southerners who love every one as long as they mind their manners. We have Monument Avenue with our confederate icons but Arthur Ashe crashed that party a few years ago, Shockoe Bottom, Oregon Hill, Jackson Ward and Charlottesville (home of Thomas Jefferson's Monticello).
1. Family & friends - this is home. I was born in New York but my formative years were spent here. The majority of my family lives here and although I've left, the longing for home drew me back. I couldn't imagine not being close enough to them that I couldn't make it in a couple of hours but far enough away that they aren't crowding my life. There isn't anywhere that one can go in this state where you won't run into an old friend of a friend if you were born and/or raised here.
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