The Happiness Project - Remember Love

January goals: Go to bed earlier, start exercising again and organize my home office

This month's focus is on love and marriage. Rubin notes that, "working on my marriage was an obvious goal for my happiness project, because a good marriage is one of the factors most strongly associated with happiness...the atmosphere of my marriage set the weather for my whole life" (39). Scientific study, anecdotal evidence and my own personal observation certainly confirm that, arguably the most primary relationship in an adult's life, the marital relationship has a strong impact on happiness.

Today is about reflecting on where you are, and brainstorming where you want to be.

Minivan mom’s post set me to thinking and feeling a bit melancholy because her words pierced a place in me that I thought was healed, but I obviously still have issues with. My first marriage ended.in.divorce. While I agree that it is best to stay married, even in an unhappy marriage, for the sake of the children, I couldn’t. Not only was it unhappy but it was abusive on several fronts. I stuck with it for the sake of our kids – all 10 of them, for as long as I could but when it got to the point that it was just as detrimental for them as it was for me; and when I knew it was a choice between which one of us lived and which one of us died, then I knew it had to end. And in theory so did I. I fell to pieces literally. I was mentally void of any kind of rational thought, action or emotion. I functioned on auto-pilot, anti-depressants and Valium. I was Humpty Dumpty and during that awful time of my life I never thought I could/would be whole again.

The depth of my bitterness, resentment, hatred and anger could not be measured and the idea of another man entering my life was as likely as a snowball surviving a minute in hell. For two years, I worked hard at restoring my children and myself. I lost a few battles and won a few along the way trying to fight for what I thought was fair and just through our judicial system and at the hands of men found myself being victimized all over again because in the south the “good old boy” network is still alive and thriving. The healing process continued though through a group of friends that stuck closer to me than my family and continues to do so. My faith and trust in God saw me through the pit of hell and one day in my world of darkness and despair, the sun started to shine and I started to grow once again – grow confident in myself, my abilities as a woman/mother/friend and a contributing member of society. My job afforded me the opportunity to support my family and travel. Life was good and although I was alone, I was ok. More than ok. I was ecstatic because I had survived. I was tired but not weary, a little overwhelmed but not drowning. I wasn’t whole but I was no longer broken in a million little pieces. And when I least expected it my whole world got turned upside down again.

I met someone while traveling for work. I wasn’t looking, didn’t make the connection and gave little thought that this was more than a chance meeting. Little did I know that there was something much greater in the works. I met my soul mate. The person I was destined to be with. Not because he made my life wonderful and perfect because he didn’t and it’s not; but because he came into my life when I was so much less than I was when I met my first husband but he could see beyond the brokenness into what I could become and he loved me all the more because of it.

Tony’s acceptance of me, my circumstances and my baggage was more than I had ever hoped for. Trust me when I say he got the short end of the stick. I’ve never been one to deny who I am or how I am. In fact, as much as I tried not to be, I am my mother’s child. A strong, independent, I don’t need/want anybody because I can do it all by myself woman! I know what I want, how I want it and don’t think I’m going to let anyone tell me differently; especially after all that I had been through. In my first marriage I was that submissive, subservient wife. I threw away all that I was to become all that I thought he wanted on any given day to keep the peace, to make the yelling, screaming and belittling stop. Not anymore. On the inside I had become hard, determined and fiercely protective of what is mine. In spite of all of this he made his intentions known, dug his heels in and has been holding on every since.

He had one child, a son; I had 6 still at home 1 son and 5 daughters. He’s laid back, relaxed and easy going. I am type A all the way – uptight, regimented and nauseated at the idea of a vacation lasting more than 3 days (Fri, Sat & Sun). Relax was a dirty word totally foreign to me. I didn’t do much laughing, crying or having fun. I was in a groove that didn’t sway left or right but went straight down the line and it took an act of God to move me off of it but He did and I have. I zig, I zag, and I love life a whole lot more when I look at it from his perspective rather than my own. He wipes my tears, holds me in the night when the nightmares creep back in and he laughs with me and at me when I do stupid stuff for reasons unknown even to myself. He loves the salt and pepper hair – no “Nice n Easy” happening in this house and has fattened me up with his cooking and loving. Where there was once despair is now hope, where there was once ashes there are now flowers blooming – dreams on the horizon. I radiate from my head to my toes thanks to God and my husband.

These past two years have been good ones for me. I know that I could not appreciate all that Tony is if I hadn’t experienced the bad. He has taught me a lot about life, living, loving and trusting. I wouldn’t have learned the art of compromise and letting go of the small stuff or even how to laugh at myself and stop being so uptight if it weren’t for him. I can’t say that everything has changed for the better because in some ways they haven’t. We still have our struggles with the kids, finances, jobs, family – you know... life. But we’re in it together and we respect each other enough to walk away and give the other space when needed. That was essential for me because I had to learn to share my space with someone again, to trust my heart to someone again knowing full well that he could hurt me but be willing to step out on faith that even if he does that it isn’t the same and never will be. I’ve had to let go of the past hurts and prejudices and say ok, let’s give it a try and see where it leads. I’ve had to lower my expectations and free him from the incredibly high standards I had set in my mind so that he could be free to be himself and not who I would have molded him into. I had to take the lessons from the past and apply them to this relationship thus making it stronger and better than any I’ve ever had or hoped to have.

My husband challenges me to be a better person without even knowing it. The dreams he has for us stretches me in ways that want to send me running the other way but instead I move forward, taking it one day at a time, working my way through it until it feels right and I can embrace it totally. No pressure, no strings attached, no hidden agenda and no skeletons lurking in the shadows to pull me down. I am free to come into my own.

What keeps me awake at night is the feeling I have of the scales being unbalanced. For all he has given me I wonder what I give him other than a hard time. I lost so much of myself and don’t feel like I’ve gained it all back and therefore he’s missing out on those things. Like how I used to be so easy going, loving and forgiving. It was a seamless part of me and now it takes concerted effort to do all of those things. I have to choose to love, to relax, to forgive and some days to just live and not let the ghosts of the past pull me down into the darkness again.

His acceptance of me is so much more than mine of him. In my mind I replay things over and over and have to talk the walls down more often than not but he doesn’t complain, he just accepts. I throw myself out there giving and giving and often have little left to give at home but he accepts that as part of who I am and tries to protect me from myself. I’m not as understanding all the time. I can be selfish, self-centered and judgmental. He looks out for his family, always putting our needs first. He thinks the whole thing through and is willing to take a chance whereas I’d play it safe and close to my chest.

Nonetheless, it is working for us. I love him for who he is, how he is and just because he is. I love that he loves me, my children (our children) and has made our house a home. I love that he has seen me at my best and my worst and finds he is willing to accept them both. And even though he is younger than me, he is much wiser when it comes to certain things in the world that could present a clear and present danger to us.

What I hope for the future? More laughter, more love, more hope and joy. I’m slowly wrapping my brain around a trip to Disney, possibly a cruise and a vacation that is a week long. I’m looking forward to aging like fine wine with him; to watching the children grow up, welcoming grandchildren and reaching for all that is awaiting us and then some. At this point, there is a future and that is the greatest blessing of all.

The ties that bind

Who or what ties you down? Everyone has something or someone in their life that continually holds them back or ties them down thus keeping them from being all they can be or excelling to heights even beyond their greatest dreams and desires. Some people refer to them as "dream killers", "peace stealer's" or "negative influences". Get the picture? This is not a new phenomenon. This goes back to biblical times.

God instructed in Genesis 2:24 "Therefore a man should leave his father and mother and be joined with his wife, and they shall become one flesh." This was so that they could establish a family of their own without influence. He later instructed Abram in Genesis 12:1-4 to get out of his country, leave his family and go to another land so that he could bless him. Only Abram took Lot with him and in Genesis 13 it tells us that as time went on there became dissension among Lot and Abram's tribes and God had to separate them. Lot took what he thought to be the better land and Abram took the lesser but his land was blessed by God and he prospered greatly but not before leaving behind the contention, the family, and the dream killers.

I am feeling a lot like Abram, I have finally heard the voice of wisdom and am leaving behind the dream killers, the "haters", the nay sayers and the opinionated ones who can tell everyone what they need to be doing while their own lives are all jacked up this way and that. So this is a shout out to them all to say good-bye, farewell and good riddance, in some instances.

If you call my number and I don't answer after repeated attempts then the right answer would be no, I'm probably not that busy, I just don't want to talk to you anymore. If you send me repeated emails and I don't reply, again, I'm probably not that busy but I don't want to talk to you anymore and if you are bold enough to show up to my house uninvited I will probably be bold enough to say to you, "I wish you well, the best that God has for you but you are not what or who I need in my life at this time" or in modern slang "It's been real but you gotta go!"

The sad thing is that these people know who they are. They have been doing this their whole life and nothing has changed. They have always thought they could say or do whatever they want and haven't had too many people put up a stop sign and say enough is enough so they continue to do it. But for me after years of hearing them tell me what, when, how and with whom I should do be doing it, or how to raise my kids when you didn't raise your own, haven't had any of your own and never will because it didn't fit your lifestyle but you are still struggling in your own world don't you think you need to focus on your home, your own stuff, YOURSELF instead of regurgitating your life experiences both good and bad on others and trying to keep us as miserable as you obviously are?

Let me put it to you another way. If you start a conversation, voicemail or email with the words "I don't mean..." then don't start, don't leave a message, don't send the email and don't look me in the face and continue to talk. Those words should be your cue to examine yourself, your motives and ask yourself if what you are saying has any merit. Are you speaking out of love? Genuine concern for me and mine? Or is it jealousy, maliciousness or busybodiness? Is it true? Is it backed by scripture and tried and true worldly experience (and NO you are not worldly)?

If it is about my household and you don't know what I make, what my plans and goals are don't tell me what I should be doing or how I should be doing it. If it is about my kids, if you don't know EVERYTHING there is to know about the situation, the counseling sessions, physical, emotional and psychological details of the people involved and the context in which you are offering your opinion - DON'T.

If it's about my husband, marriage or job. Step very lightly. First examine your own spouse - if you are NOT married LEAVE IT ALONE; your own marriage - if you are divorced - DON'T go there and your own affairs at work - if you don't have a job, are retired or have never held my position - silence is golden. If you feel you can then come to me and pass judgement, advice or make a comment I suggest you pray about it first, find me a scripture reference that puts it in the right light and bring it on. Otherwise keep on keeping on.

And God forbid it be about your son, daughter, sister, brother, best friend's girlfriend, keep it to yourself because I don't want or need that gossip crossing my ear gates and messing up my flow with God.

Now with all that said please know that I will hold myself to the same standards so if I don't talk to you about your life, your kids, your husband, job or pet without your direct request to do so, it's not that I don't care but I probably don't have much to offer you by way of general conversation so it's best to say nothing at all.

Do know that I love you and am keeping you and yours lifted up in prayer but I'm in the process of cleaning my temple, my house, my heart and mind and in order to successfully do this I have to have a clean heart, a sound mind and let all the minutia go.

I will not be held down, beaten down or stripped of what is mine by the careless tongue of another. What God has for me is mine and I will not let the enemy come in and destroy me or mine any longer. I'm taking no prisoners and I'm not giving another inch while losing a mile in the process. So my wish for you is to walk in love and go in peace and I will do the same.

Sweet 16

Sweet 16 and never been kissed. How many years ago did this phrase come about? 20, 30, 40 perhaps even 50 years? How many years ago did it stop being true? 30 for sure. It was a saying when I turned 16 but it wasn't a truth. At 16 I had been kissed. My first kiss came at 12 or 13 when we played spin the bottle at a friends house. I thought it was gross and that I would get cooties for sure but I wasn't going to be left out of the fun that the bigger kids were having so I went along with it.

Two weeks ago my baby girl turned Sweet 16 and I feel blessed and honored to say she has never been kissed. I'm not bragging about it because I know all too often that had the opportunities presented themselves we would be having a different conversation; but she has led what a majority of the world would consider a sheltered life. I call it a protected one. She is not naive. She is not "sheltered" nor would be considered to "not have a clue" but she has been restricted/limited in her activities, in her friendships and her relationships with her peers. She learned about "the birds and the bees" at 12 years old from ME, not the school. After school made their pitch we talked about it again and we continue to have these conversations every 60 days or so much to her chagrin.

In fact, I still talk to my 23 year old son about safe sex, abstinence, responsibility and respect of the opposite sex because I feel it is my responsibility to continue to foster these characteristics and moral ideals in their life.

My daughter has grown up with the knowledge that she would not be allowed to date until she turned 16. That she would not be dropped off at the mall, the movies or a friend's house if I haven't met the parents. She has been allowed to go out in groups but I was shadowing her in the background and she knew it. I watched her interact with her friends and I watched her friends and how they acted towards her and themselves. I want and have prayed for her to have good friends, and to make good choices but I also understand that peer pressure is a heavy thing and that in any given situation the overwhelming feeling of rebellion or defeat can come over you and you give in to a moment that could carry consequences that could last you a lifetime. I wasn't a saint nor am I now but I wish I had had more guidance, more knowledge and a much more realistic relationship with my mother when I was growing up.

I never had the talk about "sex". Not even after my older sister got pregnant at 15. I never learned that boys would tell me anything they could to get what they wanted. I never knew that something could hurt so bad, feel so good and carry such grave consequences or that it was a tool that both men and women use to get what they want.

So when I had children I promised that I would try to do for them the things I wished I had done for me when I was growing up, including having "unrealistic, nerdy morals" taught to them that I felt would have made me and the choices I made in my life less hurtful than they were. I have no regrets because the hardships have made me into who I am today but I want more for them and in order for that to happen I have to give them a higher/firmer foundation than I had.

So now she is 16 and well, to be honest, nothing has really changed. She still isn't dating, she doesn't go out on her own, I don't and won't drop her off at the mall or movies and leave her there but it's because she doesn't want me to because she's not ready. That is truly a blessing to me. I feel that God has given me a little bit more time to continue to mold her into what He wants her to be. A little bit more time to help her find herself, love herself unconditionally and trust herself to stand up for what she believes is right for herself and not do what it is that the "status quo" is doing.

I will cherish these next few months and I will take the time, as I did this Saturday, to have that one on one time to have a quick 15-minute conversation about "being true to yourself" that I came across while reading Tony Dungy's book "Uncommon - Finding your path to significance." I will cherish the Sunday afternoon's she comes to my room, lays across the bed and talks to me about nonsense or watches me as I type out my blog entries and questions my thoughts, my feeling and why I am how I am. I will cherish that I am her mother, that she respects my authority even when she doesn't like it and that she doesn't think that her life is all that bad although it's not all that she would like for it to be. I will cherish the days like today when she all by herself chooses to walk to the front of the church and rededicate herself to God because she feels like it is what she wants to do and that she didn't feel the need to discuss it with me because she's growing up and coming into her own.

And every morning when I rise to have my quiet time with God I will praise Him and thank Him for her, these moments and the fact that He blessed me with her for this time in my life. I will continue to petition on her behalf for godly friends, for divine knowledge, inspiration, understanding and protection, as is my divine duty, and I will release her back to Him so that He can continue to mold and shape her into that very thing that He began when she was yet in my womb for she is "wonderfully and fearfully" made by His glorious hands.

Today's Devotional - Thank Me For Your Problems

Oh how my heart sang as I read these words! What reassurance, what freedom, what peace is garnered from this devotional. I long to be able to do just as He asks; no hesitation, no qualms or fears, just childlike obedience and the resulting reward that comes from it.

Alas, I am your typical Type A personality. I want to fix it myself. Do it “my way” even if I have no clue what “my way” is. I borrow from tomorrow, the next day and the next and I try to evaluate it from every “human” perspective only to be thwarted time and again by unknown forces. What a relief to know that if I give it up to Him then it will go away and I can be spared from the self-inflicted pain and agony of trying to fight a battle that is not mine.

In a perfect world, this is the perfect solution but I do not live or function in the perfect world so I must try to incorporate this into my life one painstaking step at a time; trying to change what has been inbred in me (perfectionism, independence, relentless pursuer, Type A personality that I am) and pray for a miracle of change in my mindset.

Thankfully, I bask in the knowledge that with God anything is possible but with man it is impossible. As an intelligent person wouldn’t I certainly choose God? With these odds, one would think so; but then why the hesitation, the lack of focus and commitment to make this a habit for success, for joy and for the peace that flows?


May 11

THANK ME FOR YOUR PROBLEMS. As soon as your mind gets snagged on a difficulty, bring it to Me with thanksgiving. Then ask Me to show you My way to handle the situation. The very act of thanking Me releases your mind from its negative focus. As you turn your attention to Me, the problem fades in significance and loses its power to trip you up. Together we can deal with the situation, either facing it head-on or putting it aside for later consideration.

Most of the situations that entangle your mind are not today’s concern’s; you have borrowed them from tomorrow. In this case, I lift the problem out of today and deposit it in the future, where it is veiled from your eyes. In its place I give you My Peace, which flows freely from My Presence. John 15:5; 2 Corinthians 1:8-9; Ephesians 5:20 – Jesus Calling