Daily Devotional

Narrow your focus, beloved.

Refuse to allow your attention to be scattered in all directions.

And, do not allow your focus to be on your trouble or current dilemma.

This is a time to look squarely into My face, deliver your prayer with earnest faith, and trust Me to answer, says the Lord.

Release yourself from all anxiety and worry.

But He said to them, "It is I; do not be afraid." (John 6:20)

Daily Devotional

Trust Me to lift you up when you're down.

Believe that I am vitally interested in your life, and I see those things which concern you.

I am with you to help you get up and proceed on the path of life--eternal life and eternal joy.

It is My will to establish you in peace and strength.

Receive My help and rise up to a new level of confidence and faith that I will not leave you or forsake you.

You are precious to Me, says the Lord. Be established in that truth.

Deuteronomy 31:8 "And the LORD, He is the one who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed."



This devotional gave me peace and made me "feel". I felt myself open up just enough to receive His love and the truthfulness of His words.

Failure to launch

I started out reading my daily devotional here at Proverbs 31 which then led me to here to Lysa’s blog and reading that led me back to my space.

I felt I needed to express my emotions after reading such simple yet profound truths because they were spilling out of me like popcorn in a popper.

I have tons of unmet needs. More than I care to admit sometimes and most of them are of my own doing. God is not withholding anything from me but I am withholding myself from him and in doing so there is not the opportunity for him to minister to me and bless me like he would like to according to his word. I have never doubted the existence of God or of Jesus Christ but boy have I doubted my worthiness of their time, attention and gosh forbid - blessings.

Despite all of my attempts to disassociate myself from him I have been blessed. He has lavished me with blessings daily. As I awake to see another glorious day no matter how difficult it is to make it through said day in my heart I still consider it a blessing.

I have a house full of wonderful kids that I am blessed to call my own even when I feel that I’ve failed them on so many fronts as we go through this journey of life together because God trusted me enough to allow these angels to be given to me when no one else would have them.

And yet I doubt, I pull, I run, I duck and I dodge him and all else that he has to impart into my life.

My unmet needs are from failure to launch. I’ve made it to the dock where the boat is tied but I’ve yet to get in said boat, untie it and let the sail up to make the journey. Fear has me paralyzed. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success and fear in general. I could list a thousand reasons why and still not be any closer to launching my vessel into the waters of trust.

So deep inside of me is a hurting individual that just can’t pull the rope to let loose of the dock. There is so much at stake here and I’m not sure I can handle it all. So I continue to stand there looking in earnest wanting so very much to get in the boat - heck at this point I’d settle for sitting on the dock and putting my feet in the water but I don’t know how.

All I see are the failures in my life from the choices I have made. All I hear are the whispers in my head of how worthless I am because of said choices and failures and all I feel is dread because I have taken those thoughts and feelings and made them my truths.

My trust doesn’t lie in God but in myself. I trust myself to mess it up or by happenstance get it right but in the end the fault all lies with me and there is comfort in that knowing that I am to blame for my issues and not God. The God whom I love and have on a pedestal so high I’ll never be able to reach Him if I live a thousand years. For he represents all that is good and worthy and I feel I represent all that is bad or ugly.

To say that I’ve done a number on myself would be an understatement at this point. I’m so far gone into this way of thinking and feeling that anything else seems foreign. Yet as I read, as I grow, as I continue to try and edify myself with his word I feel something new – a longing to be a part of what He has destined for me but I don’t know how to get it.

So today I write this and consider it a step in the right direction – a toe in the water if you will, swishing back and forth, back and forth and hopefully that will lead to something else; perhaps a seat on the dock?

I am hopeful, yet hesitant but not totally discouraged.

Under Attack

In four days I will be in Concord, NC attending the She Speaks! Conference presented by Proverbs 31 Ministries. I have been prompted to attend this conference for the past three years and have never been able to pull it off due to scheduling, finances, childcare, etc. And finally this year it has all come together... almost. Can I tell you how busy the enemy is in my life right now. Do I even have to energy to list out the ways that he is attacking me? As you can imagine, some of the most off the wall things have taken place; are trying to trip me up and just flat out make me throw in the towel. The drama at my house has been incredible this past weekend and today is off to another great start but I will not be moved. I am going even if I have to put my thumb out there and hitch a ride!

I trust that God has this all worked out and that if I do my part then He has to do his. We have walked this path together to get to this point and I don't think for a second that he would bring me this far to leave me but the enemy is a formidable opponent and I can't let down my guard because if I do the results could be devastating.

With that said, please pray for me this week. Pray for my household, my children, my husband. Pray for peace in the midst of the chaos. Pray for wisdom and knowledge to discern what is the will of God and what is the trickery of the enemy. Pray for traveling safety. And last, but not least, pray for me.

Pray that as I put my speeches to bed that the words that I have come up with are the words that God has for me to share. That I will not be nervous and that the spirit will lead and guide me so that when I am presenting they will see God and not me. Pray that His light will shine through me and he will get the glory out of what I say. Pray that my ears, eyes and heart will be open and receptive to the teachings from the speakers, the judges and the 600 sisters in Christ who will be attending the conference with me this weekend.

Pray that I will be strengthened in my mind to let go and let God. That I will remain focused on Him during this week and not get caught up in everything that is happening all around me. Pray that I have the wherewithal to understand that I cannot change what is happening but I don't have to allow it to affect me, my focus and get me off track from where my mind should be. Pray that I won't let my emotions get the best of me and that as the week progresses that I will begin to have anticipation and joy about the good things that are awaiting me at the conference.

And while you are praying for me, know that I will be praying for you to help take the focus off of my situation and find peace in being of service to others.

The Happiness Project - Remember Love Pt. 2

Wow, it's been two weeks since the last time I posted. I don't have a good excuse other than life. Things have been crazy. Not necessarily in our life although I'm sure others would think so but all around us. Actually at times it's been a bit scary. I know that one of the reasons I haven't posted is because I've been trying to digest some of the craziness and see if I could make sense of it all. Unfortunately I haven't been able to the way that I would like so I've resigned myself to not having to make sense out of everything but to just watch and wait and maybe find the answers in that.

In the pursuit of happiness quest for this month we were to focus on our relationships and I was all set for that but got sidetracked when a good friend announced that her husband had decided that their marriage wasn't working for him anymore. That stopped me in my tracks; made my head spin, my stomach knot up and my blood run cold in my veins. I just couldn't fathom this couple splitting up. They were so suited for one another. Had battled their share of disappointments, hardships and setbacks but seemed to bounce back stronger than before. At least this was what I thought, from the outside looking in. I thought they had finally reached their sweet spot in life with each other and that despite the financial millstone around their neck they were doing well.

Obviously I was wrong and that bothered me. A lot more than I would have imagined. After all, what did that have to do with me and my relationship? Everything! It was a pulse check. I had to do my own internal assessment of where my husband and I are. Where I am. Was I truly happy and content with what was taking place in my marriage? Was I giving it my best? And what about my husband? That was the biggest question. How was he feeling? What was he thinking? Yes, I know we've only be married for 9 months and together for 22 but there is no set rule as to when you should start thinking about these things that I could find. I don't want to be so caught up in living our life and the day to day minutia that I don't take time and make sure we're alright. I don't want to find out that it's too much for him or that I'm not doing enough, giving, listening or spending the right amount of time with him and end up in the same spot like my friend. I don't want to be blindsided and left wondering where things went wrong.

I'm not saying that's what happened with them because I really don't know; but I do realize this second time around that my priorities have to change. I have to take the lessons learned the first time and apply them to this one. I don't want to be yet another statistic. I love my husband and I know that he loves me but truth be told our lives are full. We have six kids constantly needing or wanting something (time, attention, money, clothes, stuff for school, etc.), a house in constant need of upkeep, two jobs with opposing schedules sometimes, church responsibilities, family, friends and neighbors we try to keep up with and it gets to be a bit much. And I didn't mention working out, volunteering, or traveling for work.

So you see, with all that going on it is easy to push things aside in an effort to keep everything else going and that something usually is a someone - your spouse. I'm speaking from personal experience. Some days I want to come home, do what I have to with the kids, eat, take a shower and go to bed. Talking to my husband is optional after all we sleep in the same bed right? Wrong!! That's how I used to feel but I've learned that he needs his time to. Even if it's just to discuss the latest trade in the NBA or what's going on in his family or an idea he has about something around the house or the family vacation. It's during those moments that we are able to reconnect and get back on the same page. Although I might fall asleep during these moments, the fact that I took the time to have it wins me big points where otherwise I'd have a big fat zero. The reconnecting piece is particularly hard to do on the evenings that he works and doesn't get home until 10:30 at night because if I've crawled in the bed after putting the kids down for the night and the day has been particularly grueling I'll be asleep by 9:30. It's hard to wake up and give him my undivided attention when he gets home because I just want to go back to sleep but I try because it's important to our relationship.

I, for one, connect with him throughout the day. Thanks to modern technology he gets a stream of emails from me on his blackberry updating him on how my day is going, to what trips I've got coming up for work, who's got a doctor or dentist appointment and what groceries need to be gotten. I applaud him for being so patient with my litany of messages and the fact that he usually takes time to respond to them too. It might sound crazy to some but I feel it is important for him to know what is going on with me especially if it affects my emotions and attitude. He knows long before I pull into the driveway if I need some down time before handling the girls or if I need a little extra time to decompress before coming home. It makes the way our evenings flow much better and it keeps me honest. It's hard to fake the funk when your partner holds you accountable not just to him but to yourself.

Great, we communicate but it doesn't stop there. What about the dating, making time for each other, romance and sex. Where does that fit into this madness? If we didn't make a concerted effort it wouldn't. As part of my recovery from my past I've been in counseling for several years and during the time when we decided to get married he came to a few sessions so she could let him know what to expect from me (although he already had a pretty good idea) with regards to my PTSD and the triggers. She also counseled us to get away for at least one night every 6 weeks, if possible, to reconnect with each other physically and intimately. It was the best advice we could have been given. Our schedules don't allow a date night every week and our finances haven't always let us have a night away every 6 weeks, but whenever we have found the time and money we have made it happen and I can truly tell you that it's one of the best things we could do for our relationship. We are investing in ourselves and that makes all the difference in the world. In between those times my husband has been very creative at finding ways to make moments for ourselves. We celebrated Valentines Day on Saturday evening after the kids went to bed complete with candlelight dinner, music, flowers and dessert right in our own home. It was one of the best times I've had. We go window shopping at the malls and plan our future, to Barnes & Noble to share a treat, read and just enjoy each other. We watch movies together in the middle of the afternoon on a weekend when the kids are off doing their thing or make the sacrifice to stay up late because we know it's important to have that time. I send him cards in the mail to let him know how much I appreciate him and all that he does to make our life the best it can be and he puts notes in my lunch. Nothing breaks up a rough day at work than a love note from your spouse in your lunch box!! Call it silly, sentimental or crazy if you want but it keeps us focused on each other, our relationship and making it the best it can be.

Intimacy is a bit trickier but we keep that flame lit too. Honestly, it is a roaring fire. I'm enjoying where we are... where I am. I have found great pleasure in the romance department for the first time in my life. A lot can be said about hitting your prime in your 40's!! I have come to accept myself and my body for who I am and how it looks. I'm comfortable in my own skin and I know that my husband appreciates me for who I am. I've learned that Victoria's Secret is a cool store and opened myself up to listen and learn about what he likes and needs and do what I feel comfortable with in satisfying those likes and needs. It's been an interesting journey that I wouldn't have thought myself capable of taking, given my past, but have found that joy comes from a multitude of things including intimacy with the right person in the right way.

Now ladies, don't get me wrong, there are times when I don't feel like it for whatever reason - I'm tired, sore, stressed or just not in the mood but I know that this is an intricate part of our relationship, not to be put on shelf and taken out once or twice a month. The reality of the situation is that men have needs and the world is constantly bombarding them with images to excite those needs 24/7 therefore I have to be willing to forgo a few extra minutes of sleep, set aside my moodiness or discomfort, etc. to make sure that he is taken care of to combat those things that the enemy tries to use to make him look elsewhere to satisfy something that is as natural to him as breathing.

Disagreements, we have had a few. What married couple doesn't? I think we have a healthy perspective on how to deal with them. Especially him. Because I have issues - PTSD, there are triggers we have to be aware of and so we are careful not to get caught up in the heat of the situation but to give each other space, time and distance before regrouping and resuming our conversation. We don't believe in forcing the issue and agree to disagree on some things but not on our common beliefs and what is best for our family. We let our petty differences be just that, petty differences and move on. Life is too short to hold a grudge or have the last word. With that said and because I know he will read this let me clarify...I don't have to have the last word; I just have to have my say. It could be first, in the middle or at the end, doesn't matter - just let me have my say and all is well in our world! Bottom line, I just need to be heard. Another issue from my past, but he respects that, laughs about it and rolls with it. On the other hand, I'm probably not at accepting but I am improving. I am learning to not lump him in with my past relationships and treat him as well as he treats me. Easier said than done but it's all about doing the right thing and so that is my goal.

In the end my assessment of where we are, where I am and looking at what we are doing to maintain and strengthen our marriage was a good thing for me. I've decided that it is something I should do every six months or so because it doesn't take long for the enemy to spot a crack and make it into a great divide. I am committed to this relationship and therefore will do whatever is necessary to keep it flowing the way it should. Marriage is work. Hard work. But, the payoffs are beyond anything else that I am striving for in this day to day life I call mine besides preparing for when my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ returns. I am willing to make the sacrifices and reap the rewards here and beyond.

Crossroad, Fork or Crosswalk?

December 31 is my last day on the job. My tenure here will come to a close as we have downsized our Richmond office and moved our headquarters to Charlotte, NC. My position, as executive assistant to the CEO, is no longer necessary since the CEO is no longer in Richmond. I'd like to think that I accepted the news graciously and professionally considering they dragged their feet in telling us. We knew that the downsizing was coming but not everyone who lost their job knew that their position was being eliminated. A lot of people's feelings were hurt and I saw sides to people I wished could have stayed hidden. In the end it was almost like survival of the meanest.

My heart has been sorely distressed at the actions of my co-workers as they clamored, clawed and back-bit to retain their positions. I was caught in a tug of war, without my knowledge, and strung along until I said enough; just tell me the truth and let me move on. Don't take the last three years and toss them in the trash because you just don't know how to come out with it.

It is an unspoken secret that I am leaving but not one for public consumption so the phone calls still come in and I have to pass them off to the new executive assistant unless she happens to be out, then I get to handle it.

The transition from Queen B to "low man on the totem pole" has been very humbling. The way my co-workers treat me now has caused my feelings to be hurt on more than one occasion. To literally sit for eight hours and be ignored is very difficult to take, as you watch everyone around you go about their daily routine and you are stuck in limbo. Some days I am extremely busy though, as I perform tasks delegated down from on high that no one else wants or feels like isn't their job to do. I have had to swallow my pride, smile and submit myself to the tasks because that is what Jesus would do.

God did not create in me a spirit of one-upmanship. I never want to succeed in life by standing on another person's head or climbing over their back. I don't believe that "anything goes." Let my work ethic, my morals and integrity speak for me. Not my popularity, my ability to brown-nose or submit myself to acts that leave a bitter taste in my mouth or the inability to look myself in the mirror each day. So to that end, I am grateful to be leaving but it has been a lesson from God I won't soon forget.

Now I am trying to figure out where I am and what is next. Am I at a crossroad, a fork or a crosswalk? I haven't come up with anything yet, but I have been petitioning God for an answer. Hence, the reality check from the questions asked in my earlier post.

Dictionary.com defines these three words as follows:

Crossroad: The place where roads intersect. A point at which a vital decision must be made. A main center of activity.

Fork: To divide into branches. To turn as indicated.

Crosswalk: A path marked off on a street to indicate where pedestrians should cross.

What do you think?

Yes, I am at a point where a vital decision has to be made - where do I look for another job? Do I stay in the field I've been in or is this the time for me to branch out to another area where my passion lies; or is this a path that will lead me from one side of the street to the other?

It's kind of exciting but a little disconcerting at the same time. I KNOW that God has a plan for my life. I KNOW that He has it worked out. I don't like not knowing or not being involved in the process of working it out though. That is a bitter pill to swallow. Surrendering my life totally unto Him like that is so very hard because I am a VERY independent person. I have worked hard all of my life to take care of me and mine. I take my responsibilities to heart and so I am struggling with my inability to move left or right, to cross over or apply in this arena or that until I hear from God.

My thoughts are centered on how will my bills get paid? How will we eat? What about insurance? What am I going to do with all this time on my hands? I am not very good at being still or idle. I dread it and would subject myself to a root canal rather than not have my life planned out each day from beginning to end.

He is stretching me far beyond anything I could have imagined. When I prayed to Him, Lord here am I, use me, shape me, mold me and have your way with me I didn't think that it would have the effects it is having. I meant those words, still do and still pray them daily but it sure does bring new meaning to be careful what you pray for. It will be difficult to walk this out, to sit back and wait on the Lord. I am already chomping at the bit and I still have until the 31st to be here at my job. But I will trust in the Lord and wait on him as instructed in Psalms 27, 37 & 40 and Isaiah 30:18-21 because He is my source, my strength, my all and more than anything I want to go and do what it is He has predestined for me.

I finally want to do it right and stop doing it my way and having to pay for the mistakes I make by not inquiring of Him before I make a move, say a thing or do a thing.

So in the end, I guess it doesn't matter whether it is a crossroad, a fork or a crosswalk. What matters is what He chooses for it to be and for me to be obedient to whatever it turns out to be.

Emotions abounding

Fall is here and it seems as if emotions are falling out of the trees instead of leaves. I've had several friends send me notes expressing their feelings about various issues in their lives over the past few days and while I could empathize with some, others I could not; nevertheless, because they are my friends and I love them I shared in their feelings. I ached because they ached, rejoiced because they rejoiced, and hurt because they were hurt.

I received this poem today and although I remember reading it many years ago today it struck me as if I had never read it before. I have not yet reached the point when I have had a good soul / life cleansing cry. In fact, I have yet to master crying for a period longer than 5 minutes; but there is hope for me yet, this I know. One day I too will have my day to cry for all the things that have hurt me, mine and the world in which I live. I revel in knowing that when that day happens that it will be by divine appointment and I will have nowhere to go but up once I am done.


Yesterday I Cried
by Iyanla Vanzant

I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes,
unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over
the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of
soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired,
or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored,
disrespected, and
disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me
in the ways others did to me
the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given,
only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that
had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished,
only to give them away,
to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does
come a time when the only thing left
for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get
left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.

I cried because I had a little boy,
and because I was a little girl,
and because I was a mommy
who didn't know what to do,
and because I wanted my daddy to be there
for me so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that
caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there,
the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know
that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday,
and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda.

Amazing Grace

To God be the glory!!!

I had to share this with you because His goodness and mercy cannot be stifled. We must shout it out to the world!

Two weeks ago we had a two-day, three session conference with Dr. Leroy Thompson on "Money Cometh." Thursday night was just blessed and we gave a "proper" offering for the first time this year - I say that because instead of me stroking a check, we asked God and then I asked Tony what he wanted to sow and we were both in agreement with what we decided to give. Tony attended the Friday morning session of the conference and sent me notes since I was here at work. His last note to me was that "Surprise Money" cometh to us so do not worry. We had several unexpected expenses that left us pretty tight financially but I was believing and praying that our breakthrough would come and so I received that anointing from Dr. Thompson and was doubly blessed and encouraged at Friday evening's service.


I have been praying over the scriptures he gave us during his conference and the materials that were in the partners package. It's amazing because I have given far more offerings this month than any other this year as I had committed to increasing my partnership seeds to several ministries that I sow into on a monthly basis and sowed into several people as my heart had been led this week. All the while I have been checking my bank account every day to make sure nothing "bounced" since I knew it would be a close call between what was outstanding and what was in the account. This morning I logged in and there was a balance that far exceeded what I had in there since my paycheck went in on Thursday night and came back out Friday night!!!! :-)

Only God could have moved like this my sweet sisters, only God!!! I received a lump sum amount for child support which will cover the remainder of the bills for the month!!!!! If that isn't surprise money I don't know what is!!!!

Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah!!!

I took to heart what Dr. Thompson preached about this being a spiritual way of life, a process, not a get rich quick thing, not a slogan and certainly not something to play with or take lightly. I have felt so much better about sowing, about giving and giving generously. I have had a stronger desire to give and have been praying and will continue to pray that I be in a position to give even if I never see the fruits of my giving in whomever/whatever I am sowing. It has been so freeing to know that as I praise Him, as I glorify, magnify and exalt Him and follow His commandments and believe that He will bless me and prosper me according to His will. 1 Chronicles 29:10-13 has become one of my greatest passages of scripture. I read it and speak it every day and it brings me much joy to praise Him that way. I will continue to speak this as I walk boldly in this new process of living for God and allowing Him to use me to give to His people so that He can get the glory.

I pray that this will bless each of you in some way and for you to know the blessings according to Psalms 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." May you find delight in Him this day and every day!! Believe and obey.

Today's Devotional - Thank Me For Your Problems

Oh how my heart sang as I read these words! What reassurance, what freedom, what peace is garnered from this devotional. I long to be able to do just as He asks; no hesitation, no qualms or fears, just childlike obedience and the resulting reward that comes from it.

Alas, I am your typical Type A personality. I want to fix it myself. Do it “my way” even if I have no clue what “my way” is. I borrow from tomorrow, the next day and the next and I try to evaluate it from every “human” perspective only to be thwarted time and again by unknown forces. What a relief to know that if I give it up to Him then it will go away and I can be spared from the self-inflicted pain and agony of trying to fight a battle that is not mine.

In a perfect world, this is the perfect solution but I do not live or function in the perfect world so I must try to incorporate this into my life one painstaking step at a time; trying to change what has been inbred in me (perfectionism, independence, relentless pursuer, Type A personality that I am) and pray for a miracle of change in my mindset.

Thankfully, I bask in the knowledge that with God anything is possible but with man it is impossible. As an intelligent person wouldn’t I certainly choose God? With these odds, one would think so; but then why the hesitation, the lack of focus and commitment to make this a habit for success, for joy and for the peace that flows?


May 11

THANK ME FOR YOUR PROBLEMS. As soon as your mind gets snagged on a difficulty, bring it to Me with thanksgiving. Then ask Me to show you My way to handle the situation. The very act of thanking Me releases your mind from its negative focus. As you turn your attention to Me, the problem fades in significance and loses its power to trip you up. Together we can deal with the situation, either facing it head-on or putting it aside for later consideration.

Most of the situations that entangle your mind are not today’s concern’s; you have borrowed them from tomorrow. In this case, I lift the problem out of today and deposit it in the future, where it is veiled from your eyes. In its place I give you My Peace, which flows freely from My Presence. John 15:5; 2 Corinthians 1:8-9; Ephesians 5:20 – Jesus Calling