Change

The definition is of change is: to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to transform or convert.

I feel several different ways about change. They contradict each other but they are true nonetheless.

Change is good. It brings about lots of new opportunities; exciting adventures, growth and/or transformation into something greater than what you are.

I embrace change and look for it every where I go. As a type A personality change is paramount in my life because I’m always looking for ways to go from good, to better, to best in my quest for perfectionism.

On the other hand, change is hard, it’s scary and I run from it. Life is just fine the way it is so why do things have to change?

Change leaves me feeling lost, discombobulated and totally out of control. I know control is a perception and not a reality but change shatters that perception and I don’t like that.

My life has been fraught with change for the past 9 years. Some good, some bad, some necessary and some too painful to put into words, but change nonetheless.

I can’t say that I want things to go back the way they were but sometimes I long for things to slow down and stay the same just so I can catch my breath. Right now I feel as if my world is spinning out of control at the speed of sound and if it doesn’t stop soon and let me off I’m going to lose my cookies.

The past six weeks have been surreal. I woke up one day, went to work, got a call to come to the hospital and nothing has been the same since then. For 6 days we kept a bedside vigil for the shell of a man that would never have the opportunity to speak to us and impart his wisdom again. We disconnected life support and 20 minutes later my dad died. Not only did he die but a piece of each of us went with him. The most frustrating part of this is that we don’t know why and might never have an answer. We had a week to prepare for the funeral and there was a lot to be done including living our lives which most of us did on automatic pilot. Four weeks ago we put his body to rest in the family cemetery, had a repast at the church and friends and family went home, back to their lives and we were left to do the same except we can’t because life as we knew it doesn’t exist any longer.

Change had landed on my doorstep once again; uninvited, unwelcome and so very unfairly.

Yet I know that this change is meant to stretch me and take me to the next level. Greater dependence and trust in God. Instead of calling my dad each morning I will have to call on God. When I have something weighing heavy on me I can’t call the farm and get the voice of wisdom on all things in the earthly realm I’ll have to retreat to my quiet place and lay it all at the Master’s feet and allow him to minister to my soul, my ear gates and my eye gates. When I need comfort and solace or a swift kick in the rear to get me off my pity pot I’ll have to turn to God who will provide the necessary remedy and just when I think I can’t take anymore He will lift me up and carry me through until I am strong enough to stand again on my own just as He has done time and time again. I know these things, I trust these things but I still resist the changes that take place in my life that bring me back full circle into the arms of the one who is never changing and thankfully so.

Eleven days ago I experienced another change. A life affirming change that has been three years in the making. I attended the She Speaks! Conference in North Carolina hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries. It was a wonderful event. 600 women for all across the United States and Canada together for 2 full days of fellowship, teaching, training and change. I went from wondering to confirmation, from feeling out of place to feeling like I finally belonged. I felt an overwhelming rush of emotions that can only come from the Holy Spirit ministering to your soul and I felt release, healing and awakening. It was revealing and refreshing. I was renewed and inspired. It was a blessed time. I made new friends and reconnected with old ones and look forward to seeing how they will grow from here. The changes that took place this time around were the kind that challenge you to grow, to become, to do something a little different from what you normally would. It's the kind of change that beckons at you emotionally and spiritually. It's a call to change your life and live it to your God given potential.

It made me think about something I read by John Maxwell in his book "Thinking for a Change: 11 Ways Highly Successful People Approach Life and Work."

Thinking for a Change

1. Changing your thinking, changes your beliefs.

2. Changing your beliefs, changes your expectations.

3. Changing your expectations, changes your attitude

4. Changing your attitude, changes your behaviour.

5. When I change my behavior, I change my performance.

6. When I change my performance, I change my LIFE!

This is the kind of change I like. It's full of hope, it's full of promise but it is also dependent on me. So if nothing changes, nothing changes and the fault therein lies with me.

I don't like change, I like things to stay the same and I'm glad that my Heavenly Father is the unchangeable thing in my life.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8 (NLT)

I like knowing that no matter what I do or don't do that I have his unconditional love as a constant but when/if I do step out and make a change that puts me in tune to what He desires for my life I like knowing that there is a whole other world awaiting me. I can only imagine what blessings, adventures, and experiences that he desires for my life to have when I change my thinking, my beliefs, my expectations, my attitude, my behavior and my performance from my way to His way.

"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2 (NLT)

Crossroad, Fork or Crosswalk?

December 31 is my last day on the job. My tenure here will come to a close as we have downsized our Richmond office and moved our headquarters to Charlotte, NC. My position, as executive assistant to the CEO, is no longer necessary since the CEO is no longer in Richmond. I'd like to think that I accepted the news graciously and professionally considering they dragged their feet in telling us. We knew that the downsizing was coming but not everyone who lost their job knew that their position was being eliminated. A lot of people's feelings were hurt and I saw sides to people I wished could have stayed hidden. In the end it was almost like survival of the meanest.

My heart has been sorely distressed at the actions of my co-workers as they clamored, clawed and back-bit to retain their positions. I was caught in a tug of war, without my knowledge, and strung along until I said enough; just tell me the truth and let me move on. Don't take the last three years and toss them in the trash because you just don't know how to come out with it.

It is an unspoken secret that I am leaving but not one for public consumption so the phone calls still come in and I have to pass them off to the new executive assistant unless she happens to be out, then I get to handle it.

The transition from Queen B to "low man on the totem pole" has been very humbling. The way my co-workers treat me now has caused my feelings to be hurt on more than one occasion. To literally sit for eight hours and be ignored is very difficult to take, as you watch everyone around you go about their daily routine and you are stuck in limbo. Some days I am extremely busy though, as I perform tasks delegated down from on high that no one else wants or feels like isn't their job to do. I have had to swallow my pride, smile and submit myself to the tasks because that is what Jesus would do.

God did not create in me a spirit of one-upmanship. I never want to succeed in life by standing on another person's head or climbing over their back. I don't believe that "anything goes." Let my work ethic, my morals and integrity speak for me. Not my popularity, my ability to brown-nose or submit myself to acts that leave a bitter taste in my mouth or the inability to look myself in the mirror each day. So to that end, I am grateful to be leaving but it has been a lesson from God I won't soon forget.

Now I am trying to figure out where I am and what is next. Am I at a crossroad, a fork or a crosswalk? I haven't come up with anything yet, but I have been petitioning God for an answer. Hence, the reality check from the questions asked in my earlier post.

Dictionary.com defines these three words as follows:

Crossroad: The place where roads intersect. A point at which a vital decision must be made. A main center of activity.

Fork: To divide into branches. To turn as indicated.

Crosswalk: A path marked off on a street to indicate where pedestrians should cross.

What do you think?

Yes, I am at a point where a vital decision has to be made - where do I look for another job? Do I stay in the field I've been in or is this the time for me to branch out to another area where my passion lies; or is this a path that will lead me from one side of the street to the other?

It's kind of exciting but a little disconcerting at the same time. I KNOW that God has a plan for my life. I KNOW that He has it worked out. I don't like not knowing or not being involved in the process of working it out though. That is a bitter pill to swallow. Surrendering my life totally unto Him like that is so very hard because I am a VERY independent person. I have worked hard all of my life to take care of me and mine. I take my responsibilities to heart and so I am struggling with my inability to move left or right, to cross over or apply in this arena or that until I hear from God.

My thoughts are centered on how will my bills get paid? How will we eat? What about insurance? What am I going to do with all this time on my hands? I am not very good at being still or idle. I dread it and would subject myself to a root canal rather than not have my life planned out each day from beginning to end.

He is stretching me far beyond anything I could have imagined. When I prayed to Him, Lord here am I, use me, shape me, mold me and have your way with me I didn't think that it would have the effects it is having. I meant those words, still do and still pray them daily but it sure does bring new meaning to be careful what you pray for. It will be difficult to walk this out, to sit back and wait on the Lord. I am already chomping at the bit and I still have until the 31st to be here at my job. But I will trust in the Lord and wait on him as instructed in Psalms 27, 37 & 40 and Isaiah 30:18-21 because He is my source, my strength, my all and more than anything I want to go and do what it is He has predestined for me.

I finally want to do it right and stop doing it my way and having to pay for the mistakes I make by not inquiring of Him before I make a move, say a thing or do a thing.

So in the end, I guess it doesn't matter whether it is a crossroad, a fork or a crosswalk. What matters is what He chooses for it to be and for me to be obedient to whatever it turns out to be.