December 31 is my last day on the job. My tenure here will come to a close as we have downsized our Richmond office and moved our headquarters to Charlotte, NC. My position, as executive assistant to the CEO, is no longer necessary since the CEO is no longer in Richmond. I'd like to think that I accepted the news graciously and professionally considering they dragged their feet in telling us. We knew that the downsizing was coming but not everyone who lost their job knew that their position was being eliminated. A lot of people's feelings were hurt and I saw sides to people I wished could have stayed hidden. In the end it was almost like survival of the meanest.
My heart has been sorely distressed at the actions of my co-workers as they clamored, clawed and back-bit to retain their positions. I was caught in a tug of war, without my knowledge, and strung along until I said enough; just tell me the truth and let me move on. Don't take the last three years and toss them in the trash because you just don't know how to come out with it.
It is an unspoken secret that I am leaving but not one for public consumption so the phone calls still come in and I have to pass them off to the new executive assistant unless she happens to be out, then I get to handle it.
The transition from Queen B to "low man on the totem pole" has been very humbling. The way my co-workers treat me now has caused my feelings to be hurt on more than one occasion. To literally sit for eight hours and be ignored is very difficult to take, as you watch everyone around you go about their daily routine and you are stuck in limbo. Some days I am extremely busy though, as I perform tasks delegated down from on high that no one else wants or feels like isn't their job to do. I have had to swallow my pride, smile and submit myself to the tasks because that is what Jesus would do.
God did not create in me a spirit of one-upmanship. I never want to succeed in life by standing on another person's head or climbing over their back. I don't believe that "anything goes." Let my work ethic, my morals and integrity speak for me. Not my popularity, my ability to brown-nose or submit myself to acts that leave a bitter taste in my mouth or the inability to look myself in the mirror each day. So to that end, I am grateful to be leaving but it has been a lesson from God I won't soon forget.
Now I am trying to figure out where I am and what is next. Am I at a crossroad, a fork or a crosswalk? I haven't come up with anything yet, but I have been petitioning God for an answer. Hence, the reality check from the questions asked in my earlier post.
Dictionary.com defines these three words as follows:
Crossroad: The place where roads intersect. A point at which a vital decision must be made. A main center of activity.
Fork: To divide into branches. To turn as indicated.
Crosswalk: A path marked off on a street to indicate where pedestrians should cross.
What do you think?
Yes, I am at a point where a vital decision has to be made - where do I look for another job? Do I stay in the field I've been in or is this the time for me to branch out to another area where my passion lies; or is this a path that will lead me from one side of the street to the other?
It's kind of exciting but a little disconcerting at the same time. I KNOW that God has a plan for my life. I KNOW that He has it worked out. I don't like not knowing or not being involved in the process of working it out though. That is a bitter pill to swallow. Surrendering my life totally unto Him like that is so very hard because I am a VERY independent person. I have worked hard all of my life to take care of me and mine. I take my responsibilities to heart and so I am struggling with my inability to move left or right, to cross over or apply in this arena or that until I hear from God.
My thoughts are centered on how will my bills get paid? How will we eat? What about insurance? What am I going to do with all this time on my hands? I am not very good at being still or idle. I dread it and would subject myself to a root canal rather than not have my life planned out each day from beginning to end.
He is stretching me far beyond anything I could have imagined. When I prayed to Him, Lord here am I, use me, shape me, mold me and have your way with me I didn't think that it would have the effects it is having. I meant those words, still do and still pray them daily but it sure does bring new meaning to be careful what you pray for. It will be difficult to walk this out, to sit back and wait on the Lord. I am already chomping at the bit and I still have until the 31st to be here at my job. But I will trust in the Lord and wait on him as instructed in Psalms 27, 37 & 40 and Isaiah 30:18-21 because He is my source, my strength, my all and more than anything I want to go and do what it is He has predestined for me.
I finally want to do it right and stop doing it my way and having to pay for the mistakes I make by not inquiring of Him before I make a move, say a thing or do a thing.
So in the end, I guess it doesn't matter whether it is a crossroad, a fork or a crosswalk. What matters is what He chooses for it to be and for me to be obedient to whatever it turns out to be.