Falling apart

The tears came as soon as I read your note. Why am I crying? What’s this all about and then I realized just how much hope I had wrapped up in your visit. Just how needy I am for the companionship. I didn’t want to cry, feel angry or even sad but I couldn’t help it. I withdrew into my shell, crawled into bed and called it a night. It’s not that I didn’t understand it’s just that my need overtook my senses and I gave in to them.

I’m all over the place with my emotions these days. There is just so much locked inside that is screaming to come out and I don’t know how to do it. I don’t want to walk around feeling this way I just want to let it all out. I’m alone now. Kids all gone and I’m left with my thoughts; thoughts of failure, loneliness, need and defeat.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I seem to get things right? I just want someone to love me like I love everyone in my life. I just want my kids to grow up and be the best they can be. I just want to succeed at just one thing in my life and feel like I’m making a difference. Instead I feel like I’ve failed miserably at everything and let everyone including myself down. I’m so lost - so far out there I don’t know how to reel myself back in or if I want to be reeled in.

I didn’t know life; my life would be this hard, this crazy or overwhelming. I look all around me and I know that a lot of what I see isn’t how it truly is but it all looks so much better than what’s going on in my little world.

I don’t want this. I don’t want the loneliness or the time to myself. I want to be needed and wanted. Please God please take me away from this. I can’t do this much longer. I’m trying so hard but you have no idea just how difficult this is. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to come home. Why can’t I come home? What more do you have for me to do here? I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything and right now I’m not enjoying this in the least. I just want out. Right now! How much longer do I have to stay here and endure this life?

Please answer me. Talk to me, send me a sign that you hear me and that I’m not really here all alone. Tell me what you want me to do. How you want me to do it and let me know that I am making a difference that all that I am going through is not for nothing.

Why am I here? What am I accomplishing? There’s got to be more to life than this pain, these thoughts and feelings. I just want it to all stop being so chaotic and settle down. I’m so tired, so very tired.

Emotions abounding

Fall is here and it seems as if emotions are falling out of the trees instead of leaves. I've had several friends send me notes expressing their feelings about various issues in their lives over the past few days and while I could empathize with some, others I could not; nevertheless, because they are my friends and I love them I shared in their feelings. I ached because they ached, rejoiced because they rejoiced, and hurt because they were hurt.

I received this poem today and although I remember reading it many years ago today it struck me as if I had never read it before. I have not yet reached the point when I have had a good soul / life cleansing cry. In fact, I have yet to master crying for a period longer than 5 minutes; but there is hope for me yet, this I know. One day I too will have my day to cry for all the things that have hurt me, mine and the world in which I live. I revel in knowing that when that day happens that it will be by divine appointment and I will have nowhere to go but up once I am done.


Yesterday I Cried
by Iyanla Vanzant

I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes,
unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over
the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of
soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired,
or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored,
disrespected, and
disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me
in the ways others did to me
the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given,
only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that
had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished,
only to give them away,
to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does
come a time when the only thing left
for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get
left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.

I cried because I had a little boy,
and because I was a little girl,
and because I was a mommy
who didn't know what to do,
and because I wanted my daddy to be there
for me so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that
caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there,
the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know
that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday,
and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda.