She Speaks! A Recap

It's hard to believe that almost two weeks ago I was sitting in the lobby of the Embassy Suites hotel feeling like I had made the most horrific mistake of my life. At first it was fun watching everyone come and go but by the opening session I was deep in the throes of a panic attack in my mind of major proportion and my stomach was in knots. As I watched women of all sizes, shapes and colors flow back and forth through the lobby looking confident, secure and so well put together, even in their travel gear, I found myself comparing myself to them and feeling ever so inadequate. They exuded peace, joy, spirituality and confidence that I was not feeling. Had I not been dropped off by my husband and daughter I dare to think I would have hopped in the car and raced back to Richmond and the security of my own little world. After all, who in the world did I think I was or what right did I have to be there attending that conference. I just didn't feel like I belonged.

In the midst of this tangent going on in my head I had to change from my travel clothes to my conference clothes but I didn't have a room so I headed to the lobby restroom, squeezed into a stall and proceeded to change. It was tight, it was frustrating and I was already feeling so emotional that I thought this was going to do me in. As I stepped out of the stall I realized I was not alone. Out of the stall 3 doors down stepped an angel. My first smiling, friendly face and when she spoke to me my heart leaped. We chatted as we put on makeup and soon became fast buddies. Tammy Nischan was my first conference friend. I was thrilled. We parted and headed to our first session with a promise to hook up there and we did. She had to duck out early for a meeting with a publisher but she sure did help me settle my first round of nerves. We bumped into each other several times over the conference, had our picture taken together and promised to stay in touch and we will. I now have a friend in Kentucky and one of these days when that travel bugs hits me I'll hit the road and look her up. In the meantime thanks to modern technology we'll stay connected via our blogs, facebook and such.

After our first session we had a couple of hours to kill until time for the opening general session and so again I sat in the lobby waiting for the arrival of my roommate and a room to be assigned to us. We were late getting to the opening session as they had finally found a room for us at 3:55 and we took our stuff to the room before going. In the dark we found a seat at the front of the room next to the screens and the speakers. Up close and personal you could call it. Lysa Terkeurst gave the most awesome opening speech, the music was just right and the spirit was high in the room. I was overcome with emotion and feeling very lost and alone as the lights came up and I looked out over this sea of amazing women and thought wow, how awesome is this and in the same breath it was replaced with what are you doing here?

So here I am sitting at a table all alone, caught up in the spirit emotionally and Satan whispering to me when up comes Susanne Scheppmann and she speaks! to me! I tried to speak but all I could do was cry. The dam broke, the tears flowed, she hugged me while I gathered my wits about me and then we talked. She assured me that many of the women there probably felt the same way I did and that over the next two days I would be fine. She gave me her cell phone number and told me to call her if I needed further encouragement or just needed to talk, hugged me and sat down one table over. I had to pinch myself because I couldn't believe that she came up and talked to little ole me, held me while I sobbed into her shoulder and encouraged me in my moment of weakness. It was in that moment I knew I had stepped into something so much greater than I had ever imagined. True unconditional Christ like love in the flesh. These Proverbs 31 women were the real deal. I was flying high.

By that time my table started to fill up and I met 5 very nice ladies and we had a lovely dinner while talking about our families and lives and how excited we were to be at the conference. All of us were first timers except one. She was there for her second go round and just as excited as her first time. As the meal wound down and it was time to go our separate ways I got a little nervous about the speakers group. What would the group be like? Who would be in there? How would the three minute talk go? (I felt ill prepared even though it was my story) And last but not least, how I would measure up against them? I knew we were not supposed to be in competition but using the three minute exercise to break the ice to get us prepared for our five minute presentation but the flesh is weak and it was hard in such an emotional state to put it aside.

But ya'll can I tell you that God is so good and merciful. By the time we were done with our talks I knew that He hand picked everyone of those women for our group for reasons only He knows and the blessings from the introduction was upon us all. We came in strangers and left sisters with a deeper understanding of how God uses us in our weakness to get the glory and the honor. I felt like I could have stayed there and talked all night even though I was tired from a very long and emotional day. I couldn't wait for Saturday evening and our five minute speeches. I just knew that if they were half as powerful as Friday's we were in for a treat.

Saturday's sessions flowed like a well oiled engine. I met more spirit filled women, learned so much about speaking do's and don'ts but mostly just basked in the glory of God. I skipped two sessions to work on my speech and felt that I was ready no matter what but the funny thing is I didn't say a third of what I had rehearsed. The spirit rose up in me and that was the end of that. The words that came out of my mouth were his and his alone. I was just the vessel he chose at that moment to say what he wanted to say.

I was amazed at the breathe of experience in the room and how we had all blossomed into beautiful roses overnight. Everyone did a fantastic job and although our styles were different, our presentations and visual aids varied it was all just as he orchestrated it to be. Our dinner was fabulous. In fact, the food for the entire weekend was very good. But what was truly amazing were all the wonderful speakers they had lined up for us. We had Renee Swope, Lysa Terkeurst, Angela Thomas, Beth Moore and Karen Ehman for our general sessions and for the break outs I had the pleasure of hearing from Micca Campbell, Whitney Capp, Mary Beth Whalen and Rachel Olsen.

I had so much love, wisdom and knowledge poured into me those two days I could scarcely take it in. We closed out with a worship service on Sunday morning that began with a message from Beth Moore and ended with Karen Ehman. Our hearts were full. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. My evaluation group sat together one last time, we took pictures and exchanged our information. Zoe Elmore, our evaluator, offered us a guest spot on her blog over the next couple of months and I am thrilled and in awe of her request.

I look forward to continuing what God has started through the connections with these awesome women. I'm already gearing up for next year's conference and continuing this journey into this calling bigger, better and bolder than before. Although this conference was called She Speaks! HE SPOKE! and I was blessed to be on the receiving end of his words!

The Twilight Saga from a mother's perspective

Lysa TerKeurst started this discussion on her blog this morning and I have to pick it up and run with it because it mirrors my own life all too well.

I read the Twilight series and enjoyed it for what it was fantasy; but I am a 45 year old woman who has fought plenty of her own demons before coming to the point that Lysa makes so poignantly in her post. I know who loves me unconditionally. I know to seek Him for all of my needs and the deepest desires of my heart but it hasn't always been that way.

Back in the day as I grew up during the 60's we had fairy tales, in the 70's we had Harlequin Romances, in the 80's and 90's it was Sidney Sheldon and Danielle Steele and then came Lifetime TV. Boy meets girl, sweeps girl off her feet and they live happily ever after was branded on my brain and into my heart. Passion and romance abound and it seemed as if it was around every corner except the ones that I turned.

As a child I struggled with issues of being loved and finding love so I became an easy target reading these things. I was caught hook, line and sinker and spent the better part of my life trying to find that perfect relationship that does not exist in the world.

No one told me that there would be hurts and disappointments, abuse, degradation, abandonment and rape. I had no idea that "love" was not a reciprocated feeling; that it was actually predicated on what the other person could get from you and once you became useless to them or unable to fulfill them easily discarded and replaced with the newest model, hair color or body shape that TV exploited.  I didn't know that it took hard work, prayer and submission to God's will for us and not our own. I thought that if I loved them, they would love me. I thought that surely someone would come along one day, see me and fall head over heels in love with me and everything would be alright. Little did I know just how far from the truth that was, yet I continued to read my romance novels, watch the chick flicks and dream/hope/pray for the day that my knight in shining armor would arrive.

He never did in the worldly sense but the day I surrendered my life to Christ (totally, not riding the fence) all my dreams came true. He has been my lifeline, my truth, my joy and my strength. Through everything that has transpired since I gave him my life he has been there for me. He has never left me nor forsaken me. I wasn't traded in, up or out for someone new and have never felt the sting of his hand on my body, nor flinched at His Words because they have always been delivered in love and tenderness. He has held me in my darkest hours and carried me from the brink of death many times seen and unseen. He is why I get up in the morning and carry on day after day in spite of what the world throws at me at any given time and if I am ever asked I confess that I love him and desire for my life to be a reflection of His goodness and mercy bestowed upon me.

Flash forward to 2009 and this phenomenon. I have a sixteen year old daughter who wanted to read the series and having read it first allowed her to so that she wouldn't be tempted to go behind my back. She hasn't finished the whole series but she's dying to see New Moon although she hasn't seen the first movie. I've said no because I personally don't want to see the movie but also because of all the hype and drama behind it. It has become something bigger than Harry Potter, High School Musical or any other teen drama in the past few years and I don't want her caught up in it.

We have discussed the realities of relationships and how this saga is "way over the top" and pretty unhealthy in it's portrayal of love and I feel that she understands this and feel blessed that she is not caught up in it like so many other girls but at the same time, if she were lost like I was I could see her making some of the same unhealthy and unwise choices in her life that I made in mine.  The difference for her is ME. I am a mother that loves the Lord. I love his Word and stand on it for truth, direction and guidance in raising my children. I take the responsibility He has bestowed upon me very seriously and when I stand before him to give an account on how I raised my children I want him to be pleased with my choices. Not that they were always the right choices because I am in no way perfect but because based on who I am and where I am in my walk with Him they were the best ones I could have made at that time.

My mother didn't talk to me, didn't guide and direct my path and therefore I was allowed to forge ahead into the wilderness without any guidance whatsoever. I promised myself to do better by my children and just like Lysa and all the other women that left comments on her blog know of someone much greater than a mere man that can provide all that my child needs by way of love and relationships, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! It is in Him that I want her to seek, find, embrace and share all the desires of her heart and allow him to lead her to whom He has chosen for her when the time is right.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33 (NKJV)

37 Days of Kindness

Hello there! I know it's been awhile since I've posted but I have been so caught up in life that I haven't made the time to get over here. When I did think about it I got overwhelmed by what to say, what not to say and how to juggle between the two. Lately you see so much about the ills of social networking and blogging that I've been a bit more cautious about what I tell or don't tell the whole world but this message prompted me to get back on board and continue to tell my journey.

There are millions of blogs and you could spend an entire day jumping from one to the other reading about their lives just like the soap operas on TV. I never got caught up in that but I do have a list of about 7 blogs that I visit on a weekly basis.

Lysa Terkeurst from Proverbs 31 Ministry is one of my absolute favorites because she is just so darn open, honest and sincere. If you can't relate to her life in some form or fashion then you're not living in the real world. This woman is "sold out" for Christ like no one I know in that she will shame herself by sharing her dirty laundry to all of us in the bloggy world just so He can get the glory as he continues to mold and shape her into what he desires her to be.

I used to envy her (in a good way - no green-eyed monster lurking over here) and wish I could be just like her (minus the redneck ways!) but several of her posts have made me realize that "No I don't, because I don't want to go through what she has gone through to get what she has." Now if that isn't a lesson for you then I don't know what is!

Anyway, Lysa's post for today just struck a cord with me (more about that in the next post) and so I have jumped on the bandwagon and decided that I too would do the 37 Days of Kindness for Jesus as my gift to Him for his birthday.

I want to challenge you all to do the same but don't let it stop at 37 days, let it become a daily habit to do something kind for someone each and every day. It doesn't have to be a stranger it could be your child, your spouse, or a co-worker. Let His love be expressed through you and the little acts you chose to do each day as you go through this journey called life. If you really want to make it special keep a record of your acts and you will be surprised when you reflect back to see what you have done for Him and how you have been blessed in return.

Let me know how you do! I look forward to the comments.

Warmest blessings!