How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?

This song has been sung by many people over the years but in my opinion Al Green's version was the best. These words sum up how I'm feeling today as I navigate through a very difficult situation in the life of someone I care for very deeply.

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do.
I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, no one said a word about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.


I am a fixer of broken things or at least that's what I try to be. I feel like that's what I do best - fix things, people, situations. It stems from being broken myself, being told that it (me & my life) was too broken to be fixed and not being able to fix myself.

My husband says I try to save the world but I don't think I'm that bad. I know I have limitations although I admit I don't always realize that I've stretched myself beyond them sometimes.

As a mom, I have spent so many days, weeks and years fixing my kids - bumps, bruises and scrapes; their stuff - broken bikes, trucks, trains and video games; and the messes - forgotten schoolwork, dented fenders, fights with friends. As they grew up, left home and ventured into the big bad world I've rushed to their side and helped put them and their lives back together again one piece at a time, one step at a time, one prayer at a time and for the most part it has been a successful partnership. But now they are at the age and point in their lives where they don't always want my help and when they do it's only for certain things but not others.

Lately, I keep finding myself in situations where as much as I would like to I can't fix the situation, the person or the things; they are greater than anything I, a mere human being with so many faults of my own, can do anything about. Nothing tears me up inside more than to see my children hurting and suffering because of choices that they have made and continue to make that create messes in their lives of monumental proportions that could have been avoided if only they had listened or allowed us to help. It is because of this my heart is broken. I feel stuck, useless and unable to move on; like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and its beating me down.

It's even more exasperating because I know that God can fix it, but without the permission of the parties involved he can't and he won't.

I know that at some point in our lives as parents we are to let our children go and let God but what mother can truly let go of her child. It is inherent in us to nurture, to love, to support and in my case to fix. But until they decide that they want my help to fix it or God finally figures out a way to help me accept that I can't always fix it, I have to step back and pray. Pray for safety, pray for guidance, pray for deliverance and pray for peace and healing of my heart that is broken as I watch my children teeter and totter on the brink of destruction as they gravitate toward the enticing yet harmful things this world is offering them.

Oh how I long for the days when they were two and three and I could grab them before they fell, steady them and set them back on the straight and narrow path out of harms way and into my outstretched arms waiting to love them and keep them safe.

It makes me ponder the depth of heartbreak our Father in heaven must feel as he sits high and looks low over us, watching as we boldly and brashly step out there making wrong choices and decisions daily breaking his heart and rejecting his offers to fix it.

She Speaks! A Recap

It's hard to believe that almost two weeks ago I was sitting in the lobby of the Embassy Suites hotel feeling like I had made the most horrific mistake of my life. At first it was fun watching everyone come and go but by the opening session I was deep in the throes of a panic attack in my mind of major proportion and my stomach was in knots. As I watched women of all sizes, shapes and colors flow back and forth through the lobby looking confident, secure and so well put together, even in their travel gear, I found myself comparing myself to them and feeling ever so inadequate. They exuded peace, joy, spirituality and confidence that I was not feeling. Had I not been dropped off by my husband and daughter I dare to think I would have hopped in the car and raced back to Richmond and the security of my own little world. After all, who in the world did I think I was or what right did I have to be there attending that conference. I just didn't feel like I belonged.

In the midst of this tangent going on in my head I had to change from my travel clothes to my conference clothes but I didn't have a room so I headed to the lobby restroom, squeezed into a stall and proceeded to change. It was tight, it was frustrating and I was already feeling so emotional that I thought this was going to do me in. As I stepped out of the stall I realized I was not alone. Out of the stall 3 doors down stepped an angel. My first smiling, friendly face and when she spoke to me my heart leaped. We chatted as we put on makeup and soon became fast buddies. Tammy Nischan was my first conference friend. I was thrilled. We parted and headed to our first session with a promise to hook up there and we did. She had to duck out early for a meeting with a publisher but she sure did help me settle my first round of nerves. We bumped into each other several times over the conference, had our picture taken together and promised to stay in touch and we will. I now have a friend in Kentucky and one of these days when that travel bugs hits me I'll hit the road and look her up. In the meantime thanks to modern technology we'll stay connected via our blogs, facebook and such.

After our first session we had a couple of hours to kill until time for the opening general session and so again I sat in the lobby waiting for the arrival of my roommate and a room to be assigned to us. We were late getting to the opening session as they had finally found a room for us at 3:55 and we took our stuff to the room before going. In the dark we found a seat at the front of the room next to the screens and the speakers. Up close and personal you could call it. Lysa Terkeurst gave the most awesome opening speech, the music was just right and the spirit was high in the room. I was overcome with emotion and feeling very lost and alone as the lights came up and I looked out over this sea of amazing women and thought wow, how awesome is this and in the same breath it was replaced with what are you doing here?

So here I am sitting at a table all alone, caught up in the spirit emotionally and Satan whispering to me when up comes Susanne Scheppmann and she speaks! to me! I tried to speak but all I could do was cry. The dam broke, the tears flowed, she hugged me while I gathered my wits about me and then we talked. She assured me that many of the women there probably felt the same way I did and that over the next two days I would be fine. She gave me her cell phone number and told me to call her if I needed further encouragement or just needed to talk, hugged me and sat down one table over. I had to pinch myself because I couldn't believe that she came up and talked to little ole me, held me while I sobbed into her shoulder and encouraged me in my moment of weakness. It was in that moment I knew I had stepped into something so much greater than I had ever imagined. True unconditional Christ like love in the flesh. These Proverbs 31 women were the real deal. I was flying high.

By that time my table started to fill up and I met 5 very nice ladies and we had a lovely dinner while talking about our families and lives and how excited we were to be at the conference. All of us were first timers except one. She was there for her second go round and just as excited as her first time. As the meal wound down and it was time to go our separate ways I got a little nervous about the speakers group. What would the group be like? Who would be in there? How would the three minute talk go? (I felt ill prepared even though it was my story) And last but not least, how I would measure up against them? I knew we were not supposed to be in competition but using the three minute exercise to break the ice to get us prepared for our five minute presentation but the flesh is weak and it was hard in such an emotional state to put it aside.

But ya'll can I tell you that God is so good and merciful. By the time we were done with our talks I knew that He hand picked everyone of those women for our group for reasons only He knows and the blessings from the introduction was upon us all. We came in strangers and left sisters with a deeper understanding of how God uses us in our weakness to get the glory and the honor. I felt like I could have stayed there and talked all night even though I was tired from a very long and emotional day. I couldn't wait for Saturday evening and our five minute speeches. I just knew that if they were half as powerful as Friday's we were in for a treat.

Saturday's sessions flowed like a well oiled engine. I met more spirit filled women, learned so much about speaking do's and don'ts but mostly just basked in the glory of God. I skipped two sessions to work on my speech and felt that I was ready no matter what but the funny thing is I didn't say a third of what I had rehearsed. The spirit rose up in me and that was the end of that. The words that came out of my mouth were his and his alone. I was just the vessel he chose at that moment to say what he wanted to say.

I was amazed at the breathe of experience in the room and how we had all blossomed into beautiful roses overnight. Everyone did a fantastic job and although our styles were different, our presentations and visual aids varied it was all just as he orchestrated it to be. Our dinner was fabulous. In fact, the food for the entire weekend was very good. But what was truly amazing were all the wonderful speakers they had lined up for us. We had Renee Swope, Lysa Terkeurst, Angela Thomas, Beth Moore and Karen Ehman for our general sessions and for the break outs I had the pleasure of hearing from Micca Campbell, Whitney Capp, Mary Beth Whalen and Rachel Olsen.

I had so much love, wisdom and knowledge poured into me those two days I could scarcely take it in. We closed out with a worship service on Sunday morning that began with a message from Beth Moore and ended with Karen Ehman. Our hearts were full. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. My evaluation group sat together one last time, we took pictures and exchanged our information. Zoe Elmore, our evaluator, offered us a guest spot on her blog over the next couple of months and I am thrilled and in awe of her request.

I look forward to continuing what God has started through the connections with these awesome women. I'm already gearing up for next year's conference and continuing this journey into this calling bigger, better and bolder than before. Although this conference was called She Speaks! HE SPOKE! and I was blessed to be on the receiving end of his words!

My Girls

I thought that since you get to read my rants about the girls that I would introduce them to you.

The youngest will go to school in the fall and so their dependence on me has dropped dramatically in some ways but increased tremendously in others. They are constantly fighting for my time and attention with each other and with my husband. They could care less about whether I am home or not until I go to my room and then they all converge upon it and interrupt what little free time we try to carve out for ourselves. He’s very gracious about it and tries to give me time with them but I am frustrated by it. My normal routine is to try to get 15 to 20 minutes of alone time when I get home to change, go to the bathroom, decompress and check in with my husband before taking turns with all five of them individually while juggling dinner, baths and bedtime and an additional 30-45 minutes of up and down time for water, bathroom runs, the I forgot you need to: sign this, read this or run to the store and buy that because I have to have it for school tomorrow episodes. Throw in temper tantrums; fights among siblings, the phone, the door and anything I might have planned for the evening and you have chaos in a not so orderly way.

I try to treat them fair across the board to a fault but again my background plays a big part in making sure they never feel less loved than the other, treated differently or singled out in a negative way. Even with all the checks and balances I have in place it never seems to be enough or work out smoothly and on any given day at the end of the evening I find myself sitting on the side of the bed drained and feeling like a failure in a very big way.

Raising these girls is harder than anything I have ever encountered because each one has their own unique set of issues that are very real and have to be addressed in very specific ways (therapy, medication, alternate behavior charts, etc.) so what works for one doesn’t work for the other and just because you master one doesn’t mean you’ll be so successful at the other. As they get older things only get more complicated.

My oldest girl is sixteen going on twelve. She's not motivated, doesn't want to grow up one day and acting too old on others. I have to remind her that I am the mother because she is quick to chime in and tell them what to do or not do even when I'm standing right there. We don't see eye to eye on what I let them do or not do because she uses her power over them to be her little slaves. She wants to be "ghetto" instead of herself and is often at odds with how she is being raised with how the world tells her to be. She loves God, going to church and has a good relationship with Him. But peer pressure is unbelievable. She finds herself surrounded by friends who have very casual attitudes about sex, school, and life in general. Her generation is one of sub par potential. They have been spoon-fed and seem to think that is how life really is. Her life has not been that way and she has been exposed to far more reality than the majority of them which is a challenge in itself. She had a very difficult relationship with my ex-husband but through it all the one thing she seems to have captured from him was his short temper and brisk dictator like demeanor. At times and I have to call her out on it and remind her that we have feelings and that her tone and the context of her words is not acceptable. We are fully entrenched in the PMS world of hormones and fluctuate monthly with the cravings, the tears, the drama and in the next moment she's sweet, loving and an absolute joy. Boys are on the perimeter and we intend to keep them there stressing that her education is first and foremost. Sometimes its a struggle to keep her focused and moving forward but I think that eventually she will turn the corner herself and find her own motivation but for now I'll continue to push and prod her along when I'm not wanting to choke her out because of the eye rolling, teeth sucking, nonchalant attitude she can invoke in the blink of an eye.

Our ten year old is scared of her own shadow. She has a lot of issues with being loved and self-esteem due to the constant badgering she received at the hands of her dad. She was his verbal whipping post. He never spoke to her about anything nice or positive. He constantly put her down and made her question whether or not she was lovable. We went through a year and a half of therapy and made great progress but at times it still comes back full throttle and we have to work through it again. They say that time heals all wounds and so I'm prayerful that she will be totally healed one day and not so insecure and needy. In the meantime, we try to work through it one day at a time. She used to be my shadow literally for the first seven years of her life. She clung to my legs constantly. The past three years have been better for her and she has broken away and is learning to let me go and explore her world outside of our home. She's smart, talented, beautiful and going through puberty. We have braces, an expander and the beginnings of acne. In the 4th grade schools start the discussion on sex education and puberty. Trying to tell a 10 year old about puberty as she cries and covers her eyes and ears because her older sister has given her sound bites about how awful it is and now she’s scared...frustrating. ARGGHH! She's a bowling wonder and an artistic prodigy. Watching her grow up is like watching a baby colt get it's legs after birth. It's a wobbly beginning but the way they grow and catch their stride in the end is amazing and I know that is how she will be when she gets older - amazing.

A beautiful baby, fat, chubby and full of herself. That was how you would describe our seven year old. Now she has the diagnosis of attachment disorder/adolescent bipolar. They are major issues within themselves but when you couple that with compulsive lying, sticky fingers, stranger danger and a blatant disregard for authority you have a child that the system is anxious to swallow up, put on drugs and lock away; but not on my watch. I believe that you can overcome what life has tossed your way if you have the right elements surrounding you and so I am working hard to connect with the right people, to set up the right boundaries and not give up on a child some people would be happy to put away and not deal with because every day is a challenge of some sort - getting dressed, riding the bus, respecting teachers, accepting consequences for actions at school, on the bus and at home. Homework is a 2 -4 hour ordeal sometimes more but other days it goes off without a hitch and we're only in the first grade. Never knowing what to expect but trying to maintain some sense of order is trying. Yet she is lovely, sweet and very kind and all she wants to your attention and will do whatever it takes to get it over and over and over again.

Having a six year old with Asperger's hasn't always been easy. But I took the time to research it and come up with a plan that I felt was right for us. Staying home with her for two years was one of those choices. I also chose right out of the bat to mainstream her and she has done very well. Not to say that we don't have our challenges but for the most part no one would know that she has it unless she finds herself in a situation that she can't control. Home is the "safe" place and so we get the brunt of her frustration. But that is ok if she can hold it together until she gets home. We limit her introductions to strange places and people, are always cognizant that loud noises and places can have varying affects on her and limit those situations when possible. She is smart beyond her years and was accepted into the gifted program at school but she has her routine and if you deviate from it too much there is hell to pay. Calming her down takes a lot more as she gets older and she can be a bit overbearing and obnoxious just because that is her personality. She knows what she knows, she wants what she wants and she is going to be sure that you are aware of it. She doesn't have a feel for intruding on your personal space and sometimes we have to reign her in from getting into people's faces and talking very loudly. But please, whatever you do, don't intrude on her. Don't touch her and don't approach her directly. Let her initiate contact. She is not aware of her "inside" and "outside" voice. She has a hard time with kids who do wrong because she will tell them that they are doing wrong and find an adult to tell too. She has a definite thing about that but is quick to find a way to cast the blame off of herself and onto someone else by manipulating the situation. Well advanced in her reasoning skills. She'll make a great lawyer.

My five year old is a itty bitty thing but also a great ball of fire. She is a mixture of her siblings. Every single one of them. She mimics their behaviors and that makes it difficult to know if she has issues or she's truly just mimicking to get attention. Once school starts for her and she has the opportunity to find herself we hope that she will morph into her own personality. In the meantime we try to disregard a lot of what she does and focus her back on what she needs to be doing. Acting like a five year old. She has various nicknames to explain her behavior and her personality. Pipsqueak, jack rabbit, munch, and booger. Trust me she has earned each one of them. She can't sit still for a hot second. She loves to draw, color, sing, dance and be the center of attention. She will also test you to your limits just to see what you will do. She has a great set of lungs and will scream her head off or cry at the drop of a hat if she thinks it will get her what she wants or out of whatever trouble she has gotten herself into. She is very indecisive to the point that you want to pull your hair out. If you give her a choice she truly struggles with what to do and instead will do neither one and you find yourself making the choice for her and of course it's not what she wants. She often opts to go to bed rather than eat her food, take a bath or do her work if she decides that she doesn't want to and then she will sit in her room and yell, cry or play with her imaginary friends. She is stubborn and can wait out the average person. Thank goodness my husband and I are not average so we usually win in the end but boy is it a struggle. In some ways I pity her teacher but I'm praying that school will be fun for her and she won't have these issues there.

I CANNOT relate to some of their issues. I was such a tomboy that many of these issues are foreign to me. I only had one best friend growing up who was similar to me and so we didn’t have the squabbles that they are encountering. Sure I argued with my sisters but we mostly just ignored each other or went our separate ways. I don’t care about shopping, dressing in the latest styles, hair, or keeping up with the Jones so they don't get any sympathy from me in that regard. I do, however, care about their relationship with God, who they perceive themselves to be, their grades, who their friends are, what they watch and listen to and how they present themselves inside and outside of the house. Definitely not typical of parents today and so they feel like it’s not fair. Fair or not that is how it has to be.

I find myself questioning how good I really am at this. Part of me knows I’m not half bad but the other half feels like there is a piece of me missing here that is needed to get through the next 15 years with these girls. I don’t know when it left, where it went or why after all we went through it got lost but my compassion, empathy, sympathy and patience have gone on an extended holiday and been replaced by guilt and fear and I don’t know how to reclaim them. I feel guilty about what we went through and fear our broken judicial system and the brokenness of my own spirit at the hands of my ex-husband and the ensuing trauma that took place after he left.

There are days I resent them and their dependence on me. I resent their differences, their neediness and their self assurance that I will take care of it. At times their issues flare up and become a constant reminder of my failure. I have taken the burden of all their issues and heaped them upon myself and am buckling under from the pressure of it all - all their hurts, real or imagined; all of their emotional issues – severe and mild, their physical ailments, I claim those too. If only I had… but I didn’t and I can’t go back and change it but I don’t know how to let it go either and move forward reclaiming all that was lost along the way. I don’t know how to turn it over to God and say “here it is Lord, it’s all in here – the hurt, pain, sorrow, grief, anger, bitterness, heartache, brokenness, failures, wrong thinking, feeling and self mutilation (mentally and spiritually). Have it all. Take it away completely this time. Heal me, make me whole again. So I pray. I read the scriptures and make them my own. I chant them, I memorize them and I try using them whenever I feel I'm hanging by a thread.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 (NKJV)

“That you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:22-24 (NKJV)

“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5 (NKJV)

And just as quickly as I release it all up to Him I find myself claiming it right back again as soon as the next drama unfolds.

Each day is a tug of war with God over these girls and their issues. I just want things to be well but I also want them to be well now. I am not without my faults and independence and impatience are at the top of the list.

Surrendering myself and all that is within me to Him and letting Him handle it is just as much an issue as dealing with the girls. But I know it is what I must do.

Sex is...

Mind numbing, shocking, humbling, fearful, frustrating, disbelieving, relieving, intense; Angry, enjoyable, shameful, fun, fearful, exhilarating, life altering, freeing, awesome. Fulfilling, longing, passionate, soul shaking, earth shattering, hurtful, fearful, fearful, fearful. Self- loathing, suicidal, worthless, longing, completing, exciting, good, bad, indifferent, alive.

The word my finger landed on for that speaking exercise was sex.

If you take a minute, read each word listed above and think about it you can probably remember a time in your life when you have seen through media (TV, movies, music, books, newspaper, video games, etc) and personal life experiences how each of these words relate to sex and can probably add a few more of your own.

The difference between you and I is that ALL of my experience with these words come from personal life experiences and the recurring theme has been fearful.

That said I am looking to change that as I work with the Speakers Bureau and continue the healing process involving some of the most difficult times in my life centered on date rape, abuse, domestic violence, etc.

What I found to be most enlightening and eye opening was sharing this process with my husband and the conversation we had on a man’s perspective of these words that I expressed.

He totally understood my feelings and we had a long discussion about how a man might perceive sex as I have described it, including what would make it fearful to a man. It truly helped me to get an insight into the mind of “a man” being as they have long been an enigma to me and a huge contributing factor to my outlook on this word and what it means.

My Better Half, My Soul Mate - Tony

I've had a few requests to spill the beans so I guess it's time to reveal the person behind the mega watt smile on my face, the extra (much needed) weight, the difference in my attitude and the new name.


I never wanted or anticipated another man entering my life. I'd spent the last two years of my life climbing out of a hell pit and was as broken as humpty dumpty. I was busy living my life and trying to put the pieces back together again.


I was taking care of the kids, working, and when I found the time trying to help others who were going through what I had gone through myself all the while believing that God had allowed me to go through this for a reason that would one day be revealed to me and it was. He allowed me to be broken so that he could mold me and build me back up. To be a strong woman/help mate to someone who he had hand picked for me but I had no idea existed.



Before the recession I traveled for work pretty frequently. I had been to this particular venue three times and I had never seen him before until the last visit. But I didn't really see him then, he saw me and as they say, "that was the end of that." We talked, talked and talked some more; and when I left I remember "feeling" (yes, I felt something!!!) let down, sad and curious at the same time. As I drove back to Richmond I couldn't remember what he looked like but I could remember every conversation we had.




Over the course of a few months we talked about everything and anything. I do mean EVERYTHING. I threw it all out there. The good, the bad and yes, the ugly parts of my life. I tried every tactic I knew to scare this guy off, the kids, the ex-husband, the abuse, the anger, frustration, bitterness and hatred that was bottled up in my heart and yet he was still here. I let him meet the kids and see what life was really like and yes, he was still there. After a while I couldn't imagine him not being there, listening, talking to me, calming me down and helping to glue the pieces back together one by one. He was with me in spirit when he wasn't there physically and we burned up the phones and our fingers texting messages day and night.



He's nothing like what I would have imagined for myself. I wouldn't have sought him out and I certainly don't understand the connection other than to say that it is deeper than any I've had besides the one with my dad. First off, he puts God first in his life, which is an absolute must for me. He's younger... thank goodness because he has to have a lot of energy to keep up with the kids and me. He's a thinker, a dreamer and a planner. He takes very good care of me - better care than I take of myself. He puts my needs above his which I can't fathom and forces me to stop, relax and listen to my body and what it needs.



He takes excellent care of the kids and has been a stabilizing factor in their lives. He's made our house a home and us a family once again that is healing together. He has taught the girls to read, write, add and subtract and given them the individual attention they have each needed to succeed in school this year. Both the babies are ready for kindergarten but only one gets to go in the fall. She is well ahead of the curve and could easily go into first grade.



We laugh, play, go places and have fun. We work together as a family to do the chores around the house. We have a plan and our life is filled with purpose again. Everything isn't perfect, we still have our issues but he takes it in stride, standing firmly by my side, giving me the support that I need to overcome whatever obstacle is before me.



He supports me and my crazy work schedule often wearing multiple hats; cook, maid, taxi driver, gardener, auto mechanic, contractor, etc. He's multi-talented, laid back and down to earth. I haven't laughed this much in years and I'm learning to relax and enjoy life like I never have before. He's not perfect but neither am I and he doesn't hold it against me. I get mad, have my moments and take him through the ringer as I continue this healing process and in return he loves me through it all.



He knows my thoughts, my feelings and emotions sometimes better than I do. When I need space, he gives me space and when I say I do but I don't he has a feel for that too. He's seen me cry, wiped my snotty nose and quieted my nightmares and fears in the middle of the night all without complaint. He teases, picks and is determined to make me lighten up in my old age. But most of all I know without a doubt that he loves ME - all of me, inside and out. Warts, wrinkles, gray hair, flat feet and aching bones. It doesn't matter.



We compliment each other. And just as it was ordained in the bible, where I am weak, he is strong and vice versa. We fit together like "peas and carrots". He's my ying and I'm his yang. Together we have become one. And I love this man - bald head, chicken legs, goofy grin and all. He completes me.



Bottom line...I'm happy!!! Incredibly blessed and looking to the future with great joy and anticipation of what God has in store for us.