Thinking Outside the box

Most of us, myself included, have a tendency to have our thoughts, beliefs, world values, etc. compartmentalized. Thus came the expression we think in a box. For the past three weeks I have been in training at the YWCA as a volunteer in the domestic and sexual assault division there. To say that this has been intense, volatile, and eye-opening would be an understatement because it has been that and so much more. It has been a healing experience as I have had many thoughts, experiences and feelings validated through this training as the experts have come and talked to us about why victims stay, the judicial system and victims, and who are victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. We had a visit to the ER of the local hospital where we will volunteer for a tour, a discussion about our role as a hospital advocate and that of the forensic nurse and what they have experienced during the course of their careers.

Myths have been shattered, new facts have been brought to light and anyone with a preconceived notion of what domestic violence and sexual assault were all about no longer have them. We started 20 strong and after three weeks we are 12 strong (11 women and one man ranging from 18 to 60+ and racially, socially and economically diverse). This is not for the weak at heart, or for the great crusaders of the world because we find that you can't save everyone and might not save anyone at all. You can't hold on to all that you used to hold to as truth and be of service to those you might come in contact with; and if you have issues with race, sexual orientation, or economic status this is not the place for you because you service everyone who is in need of service. They do not discriminate on any level other than not being able to assist the abusers of the victims they are there to help.

We don't think like we used you, process information like we used to or even talk to each other like we used to. We push for more details, deeper understandings and sometimes justice for the victims past, present and future. We want to stand face to face with the legislatures and ask them what they were thinking, if they were thinking when they passed these laws. We know we can't save everyone so we have to settle for making a difference to one person at a time even if it's just to hold their hand, give them a shoulder to cry on or be a voice on the other end of the crisis hot line telling them what their options are but not knowing if they are at the point when they can or will break away. We hope that they will realize that they are not alone and that although we may not understand everything they are going through we are there.

We have learned that it takes a team to get the job done. There is no little "i" or big "u" in the organization. It is everyone coming together to do their part to make the difference.

It has been amazing to watch my mind open up to new ways of thinking and processing the information and getting to that "ah ha" moment before the instructor has brought us full circle. I love how she pushes us to "marinate, massage and chew" on the information before we speak about it. We let it soak in and it becomes personal. If you weren't passionate when you began, somewhere along the line you crossed over and I dare you to start spewing those myths around us because we might bite your head off in an effort to stifle your ignorance. Knowledge is power and they have given us so much knowledge, more than I had at any one time in the entire time I've been dealing with my own issues in the domestic violence arena.

We have 18 hours of training left and then we will be off to our respective areas of volunteering but the bonds we have formed will continue to grow as we reach out to each other to share our experiences, trade off shifts, pass along information and at times decompress with one another to help us digest what we have done during our time as a volunteer.

We have become circles allowing the information to flow freely without barriers and we are loving it. At least I know that I am.

Sex is...

Mind numbing, shocking, humbling, fearful, frustrating, disbelieving, relieving, intense; Angry, enjoyable, shameful, fun, fearful, exhilarating, life altering, freeing, awesome. Fulfilling, longing, passionate, soul shaking, earth shattering, hurtful, fearful, fearful, fearful. Self- loathing, suicidal, worthless, longing, completing, exciting, good, bad, indifferent, alive.

The word my finger landed on for that speaking exercise was sex.

If you take a minute, read each word listed above and think about it you can probably remember a time in your life when you have seen through media (TV, movies, music, books, newspaper, video games, etc) and personal life experiences how each of these words relate to sex and can probably add a few more of your own.

The difference between you and I is that ALL of my experience with these words come from personal life experiences and the recurring theme has been fearful.

That said I am looking to change that as I work with the Speakers Bureau and continue the healing process involving some of the most difficult times in my life centered on date rape, abuse, domestic violence, etc.

What I found to be most enlightening and eye opening was sharing this process with my husband and the conversation we had on a man’s perspective of these words that I expressed.

He totally understood my feelings and we had a long discussion about how a man might perceive sex as I have described it, including what would make it fearful to a man. It truly helped me to get an insight into the mind of “a man” being as they have long been an enigma to me and a huge contributing factor to my outlook on this word and what it means.

A privilege and an honor

A dream come true!!! An opportunity to give back just as I had hoped.

Dear Kim Dunham-Christian,

Hello to ALL! Before anything else, I would like to commend each and everyone of you for your courage in sharing your experience and yourself as we work to create the first ever state-wide Speaker's Bureau for survivors of sexual and domestic violence in Virginia. Your words and the knowledge that you have gained along your journey have the power to bring healing and hope to so many. Your presence and your willingness to share your experiences can bring about much needed progress and change to a culture that, far too often, turns a blind eye on the trials that face survivors of sexual and domestic violence. Silence has been our enemy for far too long. Together we can make our voices heard!

The Survivor Caucus of the Virginia Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Action Alliance has reviewed your application and would like to invite you to attend our first Speaker's Bureau Training...


When I received this email I cried because there was finally a way for me to make a difference; an opportunity to stand before the General Assembly, local legislative bodies, schools, churches, etc. and let them know that there is a name, face, and voice for Domestic/Sexual Abuse victims in Virginia.

We had a training session two weeks ago and to say that it was intense would be an understatement. I met 8 wonderful women who have been affected by domestic/sexual violence in their lives as victims or advocates and they each touched me in a way that I can't begin to describe.

I knew accepting this would be a challenge but it was one that I felt I was ready to take. I wasn't wrong. It opened up a lot of wounds that I'd like to keep closed but they won't ever heal that way so it was/is much needed. I heard stories similar to mine, more horrific and heartbreaking but also stories of victory, survival and thriving that boosted me up and let me know that greater things are out there for me.

I received hope that one day there will be no more demons haunting me, no more nightmares, no more fear and total healing and forgiveness for everyone involved. I received hope for a brighter future not just for myself, but for all the victims that have been silenced in the past.

As we stand up and tell our stories, their stories, we can bring about a change in the way society views us, handles and supports us as we strive to break the silence, break the chains of bondage that keep us in the dark or cowering and living in fear from our abusers.

And where there is hope, there is light to show the way as we walk out of the darkness.