A week ago I felt my world was falling apart. My son was sent to jail, the girls were fighting and mad at me, my marriage is over and the residual effects of that are draining me emotionally, I’m going through perimenopause so my emotions are all over the place and I felt alone. To top it off I had hopes of having lunch with a friend who had to cancel and as understandable as it was it took me spiraling down into the depths of hell. I cried most of the weekend and felt like I wanted to be anywhere but here.
It was the perfect opportunity for me to reach out and say I need to talk but instead I withdrew into my shell and went it alone. I made it through the weekend but it was time wasted instead of shared. It was miserable instead of comforting and therapeutic. I did have a few people who reached out to me and gave me words of advice and tried to steer me back on the right path and that did help but I was my own worst enemy at that point. I was determined to take the blame and heap it on my shoulders. I wanted to wallow in my misery and pain because it’s all I know. It’s like Linus’ blanket. My miseries, my hell, and my life’s failures all bring me comfort.
The idea of happiness, peace and joy are unfamiliar to me but something I advocate strongly for in the lives of others.
Today I am better. Things haven’t changed but my mindset has. Instead of wanting to wallow I am pulling myself out of the pit and advocating for myself. I want to be able to find something meaningful out of all of this and to reflect back on this time and be able to see where God has brought me from and feel blessed and loved like I know that I am. I want to stop going it alone.
So it is 6:00 on Saturday morning and I am embracing the fact that I am wide awake due to night sweats and in the midst of writing this have been having hot flashes because it’s all a part of my life and I am loving it good, bad and indifferent!
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)