A Confident Heart

It's been a good week. Busy as usual, but good. I had a wonderful session with the counselor, been running everyone around town to doctor appointments and school activities and working all the same but its been quiet as far as the drama goes. It's like we are in a good spot for a little while and I am going to bask in it for what its worth!

The kids are out next week for Spring break and I am actually going to take some time off and spend it with them. Doing what? I have no idea, but I'm sure we'll make the most of our time together. This weekend it will be Easter egg hunts and church. No soccer practice or games due to the holiday.

I've been writing my son and praying over him that he is learning from this place he finds himself in right now and I have peace in my heart over it. I'm not lamenting or allowing myself to take on the blame game. I know that I have done all that I could and that the rest is up to him. I'm letting go of the guilt that I have held onto because of life's circumstances when he was younger. In looking back and I'm realizing that I was learning and growing up just as he was and instead of beating myself up I am telling myself that I did pretty good considering the circumstances and letting go of the dead weight. It feels great!

I owe a great deal of this peace and insight to Renee Swope who's book I just finished reading and will re-read many times over called A Confident Heart. It was a great read and it blessed me tremendously. I read it on the Kindle but plan to purchase a hard copy so I can highlight and mark it up. There were so many little nuggets in there and the last chapter gave me so many scriptures to situations in my life that I know where to turn in times of turmoil, grief and pain. It also reaffirmed that I am loved. I am needed, wanted and worthy of all He has for me in this life.

I highly recommend this book to everyone and plan to make it a gift to those that I encounter that are suffering as I have from low self-esteem, self doubt, loneliness and isolation from God.

Warmest blessings,

Kimberly

Gone Again...

Here we go again... five months lost, gone, never to be recouped in the life of a son gone rouge yet again. I don’t even know how to express how I feel about this latest twist of events in his life. I've been through so much with him and yet things are still happening.

What’s so heart-wrenching is that it is from the same stuff over and over again and the lesson just doesn’t seem to be learned.

How do you show up for court and blow a .07 at 9:00 in the morning? How do you get 4 tickets for driving on a suspended license and continue to drive. How do you get piss ass drunk every day and wake up to do it all over again? Why do you continuously hurt those that love you, lie to them, let them down and most of all slowly kill yourself one drink at a time?

Why is it that when you are sober you are a good son, brother, dad, boyfriend and friend to all those that know and love you but with each reach for alcohol you lose all sense of who you are in the name of having a good time. You have so much promise, so much love and bring us such joy during your sobriety only to throw it all away when you reach for the beer, the alcohol, the cigarettes and the "fun times" you think you're having while you are doing all of those things.

Oh son of mine if only I could save you from your demons; soothe away what hurts you and put you on the straight and narrow path towards freedom and peace of mind. I long for that with all my heart for you and hope that these next five months will be a time of enlightenment for you as you have to stare into the eyes of your child through a glass window.

My prayer will be for healing, for strength and for peace. My hope will be for change and rejuvenation. My desire is that you will be safe and that you will look to God to get you through this time.

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore. (Psalm 121)