It’s a simple enough question that we could all answer with some aspect of certainty on the surface but I’m talking underneath the surface all the way down to the root.
Do you believe? Yes, I believe. Yes, I have faith albeit as small as a mustard seed at times it is there and it is what has kept me going even during the darkest periods of my life.
Do you have hope? Sometimes, I think I do but other times I’m not so sure so, not consistently.
Do you dare to dream and see it in your minds eye as a reality? No. I’m not a dreamer, I don’t give in to the possibilities of what could, should or would be. My imagination shut down a long time ago and the door has rusted shut. I don’t think beyond the end of my nose or outside of my comfort level (what I feel I deserve and can earn/get for myself – not what can be gained through favor or supernatural blessings) and although I have faith and believe in miracles, they happen to other people, not me.
Yet, I would be a fool if I failed to see what has been laid out before me time and time again including tonight and didn’t begin to have a greater measure of faith mixed with the possibility of hope and anticipation shaken together with a level of expectancy for me, my family and our lives.
Out of the mouth of two or three witnesses… Joyce Meyer, the Bishop, the Word of God – I can’t dispute it, there has to be more to it and I need to start tapping into it. My life should have consistency and expectancy – if the slightest thing changes give God the praise. I need to let joy come over me and thank God for the joy instead of trying to outrun it.
My earlier post was published before I went to bible study tonight and was the response to a note from a friend. This post comes after bible study and is prompted by the message tonight entitled “Faith is a Process”.
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1
“So then, faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.” Romans 10:17
Focus on what you want so that you can be blessed. So I have to ask myself: “What am I believing God for?” Is it something that will allow Him to get the glory? Once I figure it out I should then know in my spirit that I have the faith to receive it. I need to get excited about what is being created in the spiritual realm: I should keep it before me (picture it, write it down, speak it out, believe and receive it and above all else praise Him throughout the process).
Rise up and believe God for something – focus, focus, focus.
“Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.” Psalms 1:1-2
Meditate on it, look at it from every angle. Meditate on it and look at it from every angle and believe it for the glory of God!!!
It's time for me to have hope, to dare to dream, meditate on it, let it get down in my spirit, start to believe it for my life and to believe that with God ALL things are possible.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Any given day...
Hello Kimberly,
It's Angela from the Joyce Meyer conference, i just wanted to say hello and see how you have doing.
How has everything been working out for you since getting back from the conference? Still walking in victory i pray Have you been able to read that book?
I hope and pray all is going great up your way let me know.
Hey Angela,
Great of you to drop me a line. I'm sorry I haven't taken the time to follow up myself but I did do a post on my blog about the conference and all that transpired there including meeting you and how much I enjoyed the connection.
I had good intentions when we left to keep in touch and keep that fire burning inside once I returned home and I so want to tell you that things have been great but that would be a lie. Not that anything catastrophic has happened but "the world" has crowded out my fire since I've been back home.
I made great goals in my mind (1st mistake - must write goals down and post where they can be seen) of things I wanted to do/change when I got home but never got around to it. I've been reading the book at a snail's pace which is very bad for someone like me who reads 1 or 2 books in a week. But what I have been reading has been good for me and I'm meditating on it. The book sits on my desk where it is a reminder of what I need to be doing or making time for but it's all a matter of priorities right now.
On any given day our lives spiral out of our control and we don't get around to the things we deem important because we're too busy taking care of what other people put on our plate; at least that's what I used to think but now I know differently.
On any given day I can get around to the things I want to if I prioritize my life accordingly. I can get up at 5:00 instead of laying in the bed for an extra 30 - 45 minutes and have my quiet time with Him. I can read the book, make my notes, read my scriptures and have my prayer time "if" that's my priority. The choice is mine and I've spent too much time blaming this, that, and the other for my lack of control instead of grabbing it by the horns and taking it back.
I can have personal time at night instead of watching that TV show that adds no value to my life and probably have a easier night's rest because of what my last thoughts were focused on versus the garbage I allow in my mind via the television.
Again, it's a matter of choosing what is important to me on any given day. It's too funny that I got this note from you today and the CD I was listening to at work today is from Joyce - one of the partner messages entitled "Be All You Can Be". She talked about doing what we are supposed to do and to keep on doing it until we see the results that we want. Her one major take away was "Do Not Give Up!" and I have to admit I am guilty of that too often because I let all the things that are going on around me overwhelm me and loose sight of what I was going after. It's not like I quit but I put it on the back burner and can rationalize that I will get to it again with "stuff changes" but it's not the stuff that needs to change it's me. How much do I want it , how important is it to me and how committed am I to making the change to get the desired outcome.
I can relate this to my better half because he's been watching the basketball playoffs and what I found to be really amazing is how these teams can play the same team for 7 games and no two games are the same because depending on each player's mindset on any given night and how well the team is focused on the prize. Hence the title of this post and this whole muse.
Yes, I am still walking in victory. I haven't looked back on that situation and allowed those old feelings to overcome me again. I've made great steps to continue my healing. I've faced new challenges and struggle with whether I'm making the right choices or allowing Satan too much control over my emotions, when I find myself overwhelmed, depressed and even angry about things which have nothing to do with me directly since I know I can just release it to God and say, "Do what you will Lord, I let it go" because I am not there yet on a consistent basis. But all is not lost because I realize what I can say and should say a lot quicker than before.
I'm speaking things out which builds my faith by "hearing and hearing by the Word" and then the belief gets stronger. In time, I know that it will be like breathing to me and I will be through another phase in my life. I'm looking at this like the journey of a butterfly. I am in the caterpillar phase where I am eating all the leaves I can while dodging my natural enemies until I get to the cocoon stage where all of this will wrap me up and keep me protected until my time to come out of the cocoon and morph into what God wants me to be.
Wow, I didn't realize all of that until I stopped, slowed my mind down and put these thoughts out here. Thank you for giving me the motivation to do just that. I really need to stop and meditate on things more often. I'd probably be amazed at all that has transpired in my mind if I could focus on it a little bit more.
I'm anxiously awaiting the Cd's from the conference to study in conjunction with my notes and look forward to even more blessings and transformations to take place as I continue to feast and flow in the spirit of the fruits.
I can't wait to get an update from you.
Take care.
It's Angela from the Joyce Meyer conference, i just wanted to say hello and see how you have doing.
How has everything been working out for you since getting back from the conference? Still walking in victory i pray Have you been able to read that book?
I hope and pray all is going great up your way let me know.
Hey Angela,
Great of you to drop me a line. I'm sorry I haven't taken the time to follow up myself but I did do a post on my blog about the conference and all that transpired there including meeting you and how much I enjoyed the connection.
I had good intentions when we left to keep in touch and keep that fire burning inside once I returned home and I so want to tell you that things have been great but that would be a lie. Not that anything catastrophic has happened but "the world" has crowded out my fire since I've been back home.
I made great goals in my mind (1st mistake - must write goals down and post where they can be seen) of things I wanted to do/change when I got home but never got around to it. I've been reading the book at a snail's pace which is very bad for someone like me who reads 1 or 2 books in a week. But what I have been reading has been good for me and I'm meditating on it. The book sits on my desk where it is a reminder of what I need to be doing or making time for but it's all a matter of priorities right now.
On any given day our lives spiral out of our control and we don't get around to the things we deem important because we're too busy taking care of what other people put on our plate; at least that's what I used to think but now I know differently.
On any given day I can get around to the things I want to if I prioritize my life accordingly. I can get up at 5:00 instead of laying in the bed for an extra 30 - 45 minutes and have my quiet time with Him. I can read the book, make my notes, read my scriptures and have my prayer time "if" that's my priority. The choice is mine and I've spent too much time blaming this, that, and the other for my lack of control instead of grabbing it by the horns and taking it back.
I can have personal time at night instead of watching that TV show that adds no value to my life and probably have a easier night's rest because of what my last thoughts were focused on versus the garbage I allow in my mind via the television.
Again, it's a matter of choosing what is important to me on any given day. It's too funny that I got this note from you today and the CD I was listening to at work today is from Joyce - one of the partner messages entitled "Be All You Can Be". She talked about doing what we are supposed to do and to keep on doing it until we see the results that we want. Her one major take away was "Do Not Give Up!" and I have to admit I am guilty of that too often because I let all the things that are going on around me overwhelm me and loose sight of what I was going after. It's not like I quit but I put it on the back burner and can rationalize that I will get to it again with "stuff changes" but it's not the stuff that needs to change it's me. How much do I want it , how important is it to me and how committed am I to making the change to get the desired outcome.
I can relate this to my better half because he's been watching the basketball playoffs and what I found to be really amazing is how these teams can play the same team for 7 games and no two games are the same because depending on each player's mindset on any given night and how well the team is focused on the prize. Hence the title of this post and this whole muse.
Yes, I am still walking in victory. I haven't looked back on that situation and allowed those old feelings to overcome me again. I've made great steps to continue my healing. I've faced new challenges and struggle with whether I'm making the right choices or allowing Satan too much control over my emotions, when I find myself overwhelmed, depressed and even angry about things which have nothing to do with me directly since I know I can just release it to God and say, "Do what you will Lord, I let it go" because I am not there yet on a consistent basis. But all is not lost because I realize what I can say and should say a lot quicker than before.
I'm speaking things out which builds my faith by "hearing and hearing by the Word" and then the belief gets stronger. In time, I know that it will be like breathing to me and I will be through another phase in my life. I'm looking at this like the journey of a butterfly. I am in the caterpillar phase where I am eating all the leaves I can while dodging my natural enemies until I get to the cocoon stage where all of this will wrap me up and keep me protected until my time to come out of the cocoon and morph into what God wants me to be.
Wow, I didn't realize all of that until I stopped, slowed my mind down and put these thoughts out here. Thank you for giving me the motivation to do just that. I really need to stop and meditate on things more often. I'd probably be amazed at all that has transpired in my mind if I could focus on it a little bit more.
I'm anxiously awaiting the Cd's from the conference to study in conjunction with my notes and look forward to even more blessings and transformations to take place as I continue to feast and flow in the spirit of the fruits.
I can't wait to get an update from you.
Take care.
My Better Half, My Soul Mate - Tony
I've had a few requests to spill the beans so I guess it's time to reveal the person behind the mega watt smile on my face, the extra (much needed) weight, the difference in my attitude and the new name.I never wanted or anticipated another man entering my life. I'd spent the last two years of my life climbing out of a hell pit and was as broken as humpty dumpty. I was busy living my life and trying to put the pieces back together again.
I was taking care of the kids, working, and when I found the time trying to help others who were going through what I had gone through myself all the while believing that God had allowed me to go through this for a reason that would one day be revealed to me and it was. He allowed me to be broken so that he could mold me and build me back up. To be a strong woman/help mate to someone who he had hand picked for me but I had no idea existed.
Before the recession I traveled for work pretty frequently. I had been to this particular venue three times and I had never seen him before until the last visit. But I didn't really see him then, he saw me and as they say, "that was the end of that." We talked, talked and talked some more; and when I left I remember "feeling" (yes, I felt something!!!) let down, sad and curious at the same time. As I drove back to Richmond I couldn't remember what he looked like but I could remember every conversation we had.
Over the course of a few months we talked about everything and anything. I do mean EVERYTHING. I threw it all out there. The good, the bad and yes, the ugly parts of my life. I tried every tactic I knew to scare this guy off, the kids, the ex-husband, the abuse, the anger, frustration, bitterness and hatred that was bottled up in my heart and yet he was still here. I let him meet the kids and see what life was really like and yes, he was still there. After a while I couldn't imagine him not being there, listening, talking to me, calming me down and helping to glue the pieces back together one by one. He was with me in spirit when he wasn't there physically and we burned up the phones and our fingers texting messages day and night.
He's nothing like what I would have imagined for myself. I wouldn't have sought him out and I certainly don't understand the connection other than to say that it is deeper than any I've had besides the one with my dad. First off, he puts God first in his life, which is an absolute must for me. He's younger... thank goodness because he has to have a lot of energy to keep up with the kids and me. He's a thinker, a dreamer and a planner. He takes very good care of me - better care than I take of myself. He puts my needs above his which I can't fathom and forces me to stop, relax and listen to my body and what it needs.
He takes excellent care of the kids and has been a stabilizing factor in their lives. He's made our house a home and us a family once again that is healing together. He has taught the girls to read, write, add and subtract and given them the individual attention they have each needed to succeed in school this year. Both the babies are ready for kindergarten but only one gets to go in the fall. She is well ahead of the curve and could easily go into first grade.
We laugh, play, go places and have fun. We work together as a family to do the chores around the house. We have a plan and our life is filled with purpose again. Everything isn't perfect, we still have our issues but he takes it in stride, standing firmly by my side, giving me the support that I need to overcome whatever obstacle is before me.
He supports me and my crazy work schedule often wearing multiple hats; cook, maid, taxi driver, gardener, auto mechanic, contractor, etc. He's multi-talented, laid back and down to earth. I haven't laughed this much in years and I'm learning to relax and enjoy life like I never have before. He's not perfect but neither am I and he doesn't hold it against me. I get mad, have my moments and take him through the ringer as I continue this healing process and in return he loves me through it all.
He knows my thoughts, my feelings and emotions sometimes better than I do. When I need space, he gives me space and when I say I do but I don't he has a feel for that too. He's seen me cry, wiped my snotty nose and quieted my nightmares and fears in the middle of the night all without complaint. He teases, picks and is determined to make me lighten up in my old age. But most of all I know without a doubt that he loves ME - all of me, inside and out. Warts, wrinkles, gray hair, flat feet and aching bones. It doesn't matter.
We compliment each other. And just as it was ordained in the bible, where I am weak, he is strong and vice versa. We fit together like "peas and carrots". He's my ying and I'm his yang. Together we have become one. And I love this man - bald head, chicken legs, goofy grin and all. He completes me.
Bottom line...I'm happy!!! Incredibly blessed and looking to the future with great joy and anticipation of what God has in store for us.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I hear YOU!
Oh my goodness, why did I even get started. Don't you hate it when He keeps showing you stuff to make his point? Even if you do deserve the knock up side the head one usually suffices.
My co-worker came to me after watching me the past few days and said I got just what you need. Well actually it was what you needed on Friday, Saturday, etc. She had gotten behind in her daily devotional reading and finally caught up today. As we all do from time to time, she had to pass along the good ones to her BFAW (best friend at work) - ME.
I couldn't resist sharing them so you can see just how much He cares and is in tune to us whether we realize it or not. When I read them I thought about how much easier my days would have flowed had she given them to me on the days when they came up but His Word is true yesterday, today and tomorrow so regardless of when we read them they are always relevant to someone since we are all at different places in our kingdom walk.
Enjoy and I hope they enlighten you as much as they did me.
By the way, these are from a daily devotional by Sarah Young entitled "Jesus Calling" and can be found at your local Christian bookstore.
April 25
MAKE ME YOUR FOCAL POINT as you move through this day. Just as a spinning ballerina must keep returning her eyes to a given point to maintain her balance, so you must keep returning your focus to Me. Circumstances are in flux, and the world seems to be whirling around you. The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My Presence, and your steps will be steady and sure.
(Hebrews 12:2; Psalm 102:27)
April 26
WELCOME PROBLEMS as perspective-lifters. My children tend to sleepwalk through their days until they bump into an obstacle that stymies them. If you encounter a problem with no immediate solution, your response to that situation will take you either up or down. You can lash out at the difficulty, resenting it and feeling sorry for yourself. This will take you down into a pit of self-pity. Alternatively, the problem can be a ladder, enabling you to climb up and see your life from My perspective. Viewed from above, the obstacle that frustrated you is only a light and momentary trouble. Once your perspective has been heightened, you can look away from your problem altogether. Turn toward Me, and see the Light of My Presence shining upon you.
(2 Corinthians 4:16-18 & Psalm 89:15)
April 27
COME TO ME with empty hands and an open heart, ready to receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let Me fill you up with My Presence: I in you, and you in Me.
My Power flows most freely into weak ones aware of their need for Me. Faltering steps of dependence are not lack of faith; they are links to My Presence.
(John 17:20-23; Isaiah 40:29-31)
April 28
AS YOU LOOK into the day that stretches out before you, you see many choice-points along the way. The myriad possibilities these choices present can confuse you. Draw your mind back to the threshold of this day, where I stand beside you, lovingly preparing you for what is ahead.
You must make your choices one at a time, since each is contingent upon the decision that precedes it. Instead of trying to create a mental map of your path through this day, focus on My loving Presence with you. I will equip you as you go, so that you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust Me to supply what you need when you need it.
(Lamentations 3:22-26; Psalm 34:8)
Wow, what powerful messages. I think it's more powerful to me now than it would have been before the whole "I need a moment" episode. What makes it even more in my face is that it quotes one of my favorite passages that I am quick to give to others but should put more emphasis on in my own life. It should be my mantra.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
My co-worker came to me after watching me the past few days and said I got just what you need. Well actually it was what you needed on Friday, Saturday, etc. She had gotten behind in her daily devotional reading and finally caught up today. As we all do from time to time, she had to pass along the good ones to her BFAW (best friend at work) - ME.
I couldn't resist sharing them so you can see just how much He cares and is in tune to us whether we realize it or not. When I read them I thought about how much easier my days would have flowed had she given them to me on the days when they came up but His Word is true yesterday, today and tomorrow so regardless of when we read them they are always relevant to someone since we are all at different places in our kingdom walk.
Enjoy and I hope they enlighten you as much as they did me.
By the way, these are from a daily devotional by Sarah Young entitled "Jesus Calling" and can be found at your local Christian bookstore.
April 25
MAKE ME YOUR FOCAL POINT as you move through this day. Just as a spinning ballerina must keep returning her eyes to a given point to maintain her balance, so you must keep returning your focus to Me. Circumstances are in flux, and the world seems to be whirling around you. The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My Presence, and your steps will be steady and sure.
(Hebrews 12:2; Psalm 102:27)
April 26
WELCOME PROBLEMS as perspective-lifters. My children tend to sleepwalk through their days until they bump into an obstacle that stymies them. If you encounter a problem with no immediate solution, your response to that situation will take you either up or down. You can lash out at the difficulty, resenting it and feeling sorry for yourself. This will take you down into a pit of self-pity. Alternatively, the problem can be a ladder, enabling you to climb up and see your life from My perspective. Viewed from above, the obstacle that frustrated you is only a light and momentary trouble. Once your perspective has been heightened, you can look away from your problem altogether. Turn toward Me, and see the Light of My Presence shining upon you.
(2 Corinthians 4:16-18 & Psalm 89:15)
April 27
COME TO ME with empty hands and an open heart, ready to receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let Me fill you up with My Presence: I in you, and you in Me.
My Power flows most freely into weak ones aware of their need for Me. Faltering steps of dependence are not lack of faith; they are links to My Presence.
(John 17:20-23; Isaiah 40:29-31)
April 28
AS YOU LOOK into the day that stretches out before you, you see many choice-points along the way. The myriad possibilities these choices present can confuse you. Draw your mind back to the threshold of this day, where I stand beside you, lovingly preparing you for what is ahead.
You must make your choices one at a time, since each is contingent upon the decision that precedes it. Instead of trying to create a mental map of your path through this day, focus on My loving Presence with you. I will equip you as you go, so that you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust Me to supply what you need when you need it.
(Lamentations 3:22-26; Psalm 34:8)
Wow, what powerful messages. I think it's more powerful to me now than it would have been before the whole "I need a moment" episode. What makes it even more in my face is that it quotes one of my favorite passages that I am quick to give to others but should put more emphasis on in my own life. It should be my mantra.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
Can I have a moment - Please?!?
You know God truly has a sense of humor; a really crazy way of dealing with spaced out women like myself who get all fired up and ready to have a tizzy without asking His permission. Not that he would give it if we asked anyway, so what's the point???
All I wanted was a moment - a knock down, drag out moment to whine, vent, lament about the unfairness of what was going on in my life only to have Him interrupt me every time I got started. I just wanted to wallow in the mud like a pig on a hot summer day. I wanted to kick up the dust, roll to and fro, snort and just get all dirty (or snotty nosed and red eyed in my case :-) but here it is Tuesday and it hasn't happened yet and I began this journey on Saturday!!!
But I refuse to be deterred. Today is a new day and I'm ready to try again and although I have a sneaky suspicion that it won't go as I planned maybe I'll be able to get in just one little moment...
Saturday I woke early, didn't sleep well, needed to finish a job and get on a conference call all before 9:00 and that was in between getting kids breakfast and dressed for the day. I felt worse the more the day went on - I could feel a UTI coming on... weather wise it was day filled with storms off and on. I ventured out to Costco and missed the rain only to get drenched bringing the groceries in the house and I was pissed! Hence in steps God's sense of humor. Remember that UTI I told you I felt coming on...well when the water hit me, it triggered that urge to go to the bathroom and so in my driveway there I stand with my hands full of groceries and the urge to pee that knocks me to my knees. I'm squeezing those kegel muscles and my buttocks, crossing my legs and squatting all the while trying to fight this urge when I feel this warm trickle come down my legs as if I wasn't doing anything to prevent it from happening. I look around to see if anyone is watching, check to see if there is anything fragile in the box I'm holding, drop it to the ground and make a mad dash for the bathroom in the basement where I fight with the drawstring on my carpi's, fumble with the button and the zipper and come on lets face it by this time I'm done but I sit anyway and through clenched teeth try not to scream as the burn kicks in but nothing comes out and I hear the kids calling me from upstairs because at that moment a loud clap of thunder lets loose. I wanted to cry but I couldn't I just sat on the toilet and laughed, got myself together, finished putting the groceries away, took a shower and got in the bed only to have to get up, get dressed and go pick my daughter up from church because of all the times she doesn't have a ride home tonight would be the night...
Sunday, church was blessed. Jonathan Butler was the special musical guest for our pastor's anniversary and it was good but somehow I missed my girlfriend and her husband in the lobby so we could sit together. Now we both got to church about the same time, stood in the same lobby but never saw each other?!? Figure that one out. I was in a real state too. I was cranky from the UTI which of course I can't get any relief from until I go to the doctor on Monday, my feathers had been ruffled by my better half and I just wanted... a moment. Well let me tell you church is not where you should be if you're trying to have a moment because that's when He really starts to mess with you. But after church I tried to pick up right where I left off only to be thwarted at every attempt. We went out for brunch, came home and he left to take his friend home. I stewed but decided that I would take a nap and maybe I would feel better. Can I tell you I didn't get a nap - the phone rang, the kids needed stuff, I had dinner slow cooking on the stove but couldn't relax for fear it might burn, I was in pain... it just wasn't happening so I got up, hung out with the kids, fixed dinner, watched TV with them and got them to bed. I got my stuff together for work and settled down to watch my TV show. Just as I got settled, my better half got back and yes, those feathers got ruffled all over again. I was a plum nut and nothing he said, could have said or would have said could change it but again as I got ready to give in to urge to have that moment I got these piercing pains in my abdomen. So I laid in bed tossing and turning all night until at some point I fell into an exhausted sleep just in time for the alarm clock to go off at 5:00.
Happy Monday. What a great day. It's raining and damp and I'm tired and in pain but I need to leave early to pick up my sister and drop her off at work and I know when I get to the office I will hit the ground running. Thinking that I'll feel better if I dress nice I pull out a nice brown pantsuit and look real professional as I head out the door. Mind you my feathers are still ruffled so the morning isn't flowing like it normally would but since I'm meeting my sister I'm on my best behavior. Do I need to tell you that I left the house in such a huff that I didn't screw my head on right and started heading towards her house instead of the dealership so I had to back track and then I noticed that I forgot to gas up over the weekend and the idiot light was on saying I needed gas. So I pick her up, get gas, drop her off and still make it to work on time but then as I'm pulling into the parking deck I remember the car seat I was supposed to bring for my co-worker. Arrgghh! As I head up the block to the building the sky opens ups but thankfully I had on a rain coat. It's quiet for a Monday as no one sane is around at this ungodly hour of 7:30 am. The empty corner office seems to cast a pallor over the early stragglers as we lament the loss of our president who left us on Friday for a new job. My desk looks a wreck - I worked until 7:45 Friday evening and didn't bother to straighten up when I left. My back hurts, my boss is driving me crazy and I just want...a moment. As the morning progresses, I'm feeling worse, the desk is getting more out of control and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm exchanging emails with my better half, friends and co-workers alike trying to get my day to flow in its normal rhythm but it's not. I call the doctor's office and get an appointment for later in the afternoon. I should be able to make the appointment and hit the road in time to get to my mom's house for the wake this evening.
Yes, during these past few days of me trying to have a moment my cousin died. Percy was a great force of life in our family. He could light up a room and make everyone at ease with a smile. He was greatly loved and he will truly be missed. So tonight I'll pay my respects to the family because I can't take off for the funeral on Tuesday. Just another reminder from God that here I am trying to have a moment when there are others out there having much bigger issues to deal with than me without the benefit of having a moment so why should I?
I won't. I don't have time and I probably wouldn't enjoy it anyway so I'm dragging myself up out of the pit with a few smudges on my pants and hands but otherwise clean and will proceed to whip myself out of this funk in time for my therapy session tonight wherein I'll get that swift kick in the butt telling me to get over myself and get on with my life.
Ain't God good! :-)
All I wanted was a moment - a knock down, drag out moment to whine, vent, lament about the unfairness of what was going on in my life only to have Him interrupt me every time I got started. I just wanted to wallow in the mud like a pig on a hot summer day. I wanted to kick up the dust, roll to and fro, snort and just get all dirty (or snotty nosed and red eyed in my case :-) but here it is Tuesday and it hasn't happened yet and I began this journey on Saturday!!!
But I refuse to be deterred. Today is a new day and I'm ready to try again and although I have a sneaky suspicion that it won't go as I planned maybe I'll be able to get in just one little moment...
Saturday I woke early, didn't sleep well, needed to finish a job and get on a conference call all before 9:00 and that was in between getting kids breakfast and dressed for the day. I felt worse the more the day went on - I could feel a UTI coming on... weather wise it was day filled with storms off and on. I ventured out to Costco and missed the rain only to get drenched bringing the groceries in the house and I was pissed! Hence in steps God's sense of humor. Remember that UTI I told you I felt coming on...well when the water hit me, it triggered that urge to go to the bathroom and so in my driveway there I stand with my hands full of groceries and the urge to pee that knocks me to my knees. I'm squeezing those kegel muscles and my buttocks, crossing my legs and squatting all the while trying to fight this urge when I feel this warm trickle come down my legs as if I wasn't doing anything to prevent it from happening. I look around to see if anyone is watching, check to see if there is anything fragile in the box I'm holding, drop it to the ground and make a mad dash for the bathroom in the basement where I fight with the drawstring on my carpi's, fumble with the button and the zipper and come on lets face it by this time I'm done but I sit anyway and through clenched teeth try not to scream as the burn kicks in but nothing comes out and I hear the kids calling me from upstairs because at that moment a loud clap of thunder lets loose. I wanted to cry but I couldn't I just sat on the toilet and laughed, got myself together, finished putting the groceries away, took a shower and got in the bed only to have to get up, get dressed and go pick my daughter up from church because of all the times she doesn't have a ride home tonight would be the night...
Sunday, church was blessed. Jonathan Butler was the special musical guest for our pastor's anniversary and it was good but somehow I missed my girlfriend and her husband in the lobby so we could sit together. Now we both got to church about the same time, stood in the same lobby but never saw each other?!? Figure that one out. I was in a real state too. I was cranky from the UTI which of course I can't get any relief from until I go to the doctor on Monday, my feathers had been ruffled by my better half and I just wanted... a moment. Well let me tell you church is not where you should be if you're trying to have a moment because that's when He really starts to mess with you. But after church I tried to pick up right where I left off only to be thwarted at every attempt. We went out for brunch, came home and he left to take his friend home. I stewed but decided that I would take a nap and maybe I would feel better. Can I tell you I didn't get a nap - the phone rang, the kids needed stuff, I had dinner slow cooking on the stove but couldn't relax for fear it might burn, I was in pain... it just wasn't happening so I got up, hung out with the kids, fixed dinner, watched TV with them and got them to bed. I got my stuff together for work and settled down to watch my TV show. Just as I got settled, my better half got back and yes, those feathers got ruffled all over again. I was a plum nut and nothing he said, could have said or would have said could change it but again as I got ready to give in to urge to have that moment I got these piercing pains in my abdomen. So I laid in bed tossing and turning all night until at some point I fell into an exhausted sleep just in time for the alarm clock to go off at 5:00.
Happy Monday. What a great day. It's raining and damp and I'm tired and in pain but I need to leave early to pick up my sister and drop her off at work and I know when I get to the office I will hit the ground running. Thinking that I'll feel better if I dress nice I pull out a nice brown pantsuit and look real professional as I head out the door. Mind you my feathers are still ruffled so the morning isn't flowing like it normally would but since I'm meeting my sister I'm on my best behavior. Do I need to tell you that I left the house in such a huff that I didn't screw my head on right and started heading towards her house instead of the dealership so I had to back track and then I noticed that I forgot to gas up over the weekend and the idiot light was on saying I needed gas. So I pick her up, get gas, drop her off and still make it to work on time but then as I'm pulling into the parking deck I remember the car seat I was supposed to bring for my co-worker. Arrgghh! As I head up the block to the building the sky opens ups but thankfully I had on a rain coat. It's quiet for a Monday as no one sane is around at this ungodly hour of 7:30 am. The empty corner office seems to cast a pallor over the early stragglers as we lament the loss of our president who left us on Friday for a new job. My desk looks a wreck - I worked until 7:45 Friday evening and didn't bother to straighten up when I left. My back hurts, my boss is driving me crazy and I just want...a moment. As the morning progresses, I'm feeling worse, the desk is getting more out of control and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm exchanging emails with my better half, friends and co-workers alike trying to get my day to flow in its normal rhythm but it's not. I call the doctor's office and get an appointment for later in the afternoon. I should be able to make the appointment and hit the road in time to get to my mom's house for the wake this evening.
Yes, during these past few days of me trying to have a moment my cousin died. Percy was a great force of life in our family. He could light up a room and make everyone at ease with a smile. He was greatly loved and he will truly be missed. So tonight I'll pay my respects to the family because I can't take off for the funeral on Tuesday. Just another reminder from God that here I am trying to have a moment when there are others out there having much bigger issues to deal with than me without the benefit of having a moment so why should I?
I won't. I don't have time and I probably wouldn't enjoy it anyway so I'm dragging myself up out of the pit with a few smudges on my pants and hands but otherwise clean and will proceed to whip myself out of this funk in time for my therapy session tonight wherein I'll get that swift kick in the butt telling me to get over myself and get on with my life.
Ain't God good! :-)
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Still riding high
It's been over three weeks and the feelings, the thoughts, and the blessings are still flowing from the weekend conference I had the privilege to serve at. I attended a Joyce Meyer conference at the Hampton Coliseum on Thursday, Friday & Saturday and volunteered to serve as an usher. Never in my life have I had such an experience. There were 100 strangers from every walk of life in a room with a heart to serve that weekend. There was such a strong spirit everywhere around that coliseum that you couldn't help but be touched. We worked side by side as if we had been doing it all of our lives. It was a sight to see.
Each session was better than the previous one, as if that could be true. The crowds were bigger, hungrier and thirstier for the Word than I've experienced in a long time. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting so many people with so many different stories. It was very humbling. Not once did I have the opportunity to dwell on my life, my worries or concerns. I was totally focused on everything that was going on around me and wanting to be the best I could be and yes, I wanted the Word just as much as those in attendance. I wanted reassurance, direction, guidance. I wanted to rejoice during the praise and worship portion of the service and release all the bottled up emotions. I just wanted something, anything that wasn't the same old routine, day in and day out. I wanted to give back to Him for all He had been giving to me these past three years without anything in return from me.
I went to serve and in turn I was blessed tremendously in ways I never anticipated. I arrived a tired, broken creature being eaten up alive inside with unforgiveness, guilt, anger, bitterness, rage and frustration but when I left I had been set free. The knot that had resided in my chest for the past three years was gone. It's was as if it had literally evaporated into ashes. The bile that would rise up at the mere thought of my ex-husband wasn't there. I felt like a new person inside and out. It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders, the bricks on my feet were gone, the ball and chain that I dragged everywhere I went had been released and the craziest part of it all was that I hadn't done anything to make it happen.
Each session was better than the previous one, as if that could be true. The crowds were bigger, hungrier and thirstier for the Word than I've experienced in a long time. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting so many people with so many different stories. It was very humbling. Not once did I have the opportunity to dwell on my life, my worries or concerns. I was totally focused on everything that was going on around me and wanting to be the best I could be and yes, I wanted the Word just as much as those in attendance. I wanted reassurance, direction, guidance. I wanted to rejoice during the praise and worship portion of the service and release all the bottled up emotions. I just wanted something, anything that wasn't the same old routine, day in and day out. I wanted to give back to Him for all He had been giving to me these past three years without anything in return from me.
I went to serve and in turn I was blessed tremendously in ways I never anticipated. I arrived a tired, broken creature being eaten up alive inside with unforgiveness, guilt, anger, bitterness, rage and frustration but when I left I had been set free. The knot that had resided in my chest for the past three years was gone. It's was as if it had literally evaporated into ashes. The bile that would rise up at the mere thought of my ex-husband wasn't there. I felt like a new person inside and out. It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders, the bricks on my feet were gone, the ball and chain that I dragged everywhere I went had been released and the craziest part of it all was that I hadn't done anything to make it happen.
Angela and I were on the same team. I was truly blessed by her spirit. We found that although our lives are very different our struggles were still the same but we both serve the same God and found great comfort in being able to share that and know that He has it all under control.
Angela and a couple more volunteer ushers in our group.
Day one when we were assigned our sections. I was just trying out the seats to see how comfortable they would be. I might have some cushion back there, but it wasn't enough to spare me from the pain of sitting in them for two hours.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Wow, what a week
When I first sat down to write the first blog it was if a dam opened up and everything I had been holding back came flooding to the forefront. I thought I could sit and type for hours just to purge everything from my soul and then reality stepped in and I got caught up in my chaotic life once again.
This week I worked 56 hours (three 12-hour and two 10-hour days) which is a typical week for me. I'm not complaining, with things being what they are, I am blessed to have my job. There was one doctor appointment, one therapy session and one evening of errands and a haircut for me. I worked at home three nights this week at my own business for 12 hours finishing two jobs outstanding and managed to go out for dinner tonight. In the morning I have to get up early to finish a job, I have a conference call at 9:00, lunch with a girlfriend at 12:45, a child needing to be dropped off at 4:00 and probably picked up at 8:00. In between I'll go to Costco, Wal-Mart (still my favorite store), Kroger and home to put everything away. At some point I will take a break and play with the girls. Probably on the wii but if not maybe they will settle for coloring a few pictures while we watch a cartoon or Animal Planet.
As you can see things are still chaotic but manageable. I'm not having to do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, yard work, etc. that was part of my life last year. My better half does these things and I'm truly blessed to have him ready, willing and able.
Sunday should be relaxing. At this time I have church, a nap and cooking dinner on the agenda. Of course it is subject to change but I'm going to stick to it as best as I can.
I pray that your weekend will be a good one as well.
This week I worked 56 hours (three 12-hour and two 10-hour days) which is a typical week for me. I'm not complaining, with things being what they are, I am blessed to have my job. There was one doctor appointment, one therapy session and one evening of errands and a haircut for me. I worked at home three nights this week at my own business for 12 hours finishing two jobs outstanding and managed to go out for dinner tonight. In the morning I have to get up early to finish a job, I have a conference call at 9:00, lunch with a girlfriend at 12:45, a child needing to be dropped off at 4:00 and probably picked up at 8:00. In between I'll go to Costco, Wal-Mart (still my favorite store), Kroger and home to put everything away. At some point I will take a break and play with the girls. Probably on the wii but if not maybe they will settle for coloring a few pictures while we watch a cartoon or Animal Planet.
As you can see things are still chaotic but manageable. I'm not having to do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, yard work, etc. that was part of my life last year. My better half does these things and I'm truly blessed to have him ready, willing and able.
Sunday should be relaxing. At this time I have church, a nap and cooking dinner on the agenda. Of course it is subject to change but I'm going to stick to it as best as I can.
I pray that your weekend will be a good one as well.
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