My Inspiration

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1 (NIV)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Can I have a moment - Please?!?

You know God truly has a sense of humor; a really crazy way of dealing with spaced out women like myself who get all fired up and ready to have a tizzy without asking His permission. Not that he would give it if we asked anyway, so what's the point???

All I wanted was a moment - a knock down, drag out moment to whine, vent, lament about the unfairness of what was going on in my life only to have Him interrupt me every time I got started. I just wanted to wallow in the mud like a pig on a hot summer day. I wanted to kick up the dust, roll to and fro, snort and just get all dirty (or snotty nosed and red eyed in my case :-) but here it is Tuesday and it hasn't happened yet and I began this journey on Saturday!!!

But I refuse to be deterred. Today is a new day and I'm ready to try again and although I have a sneaky suspicion that it won't go as I planned maybe I'll be able to get in just one little moment...

Saturday I woke early, didn't sleep well, needed to finish a job and get on a conference call all before 9:00 and that was in between getting kids breakfast and dressed for the day. I felt worse the more the day went on - I could feel a UTI coming on... weather wise it was day filled with storms off and on. I ventured out to Costco and missed the rain only to get drenched bringing the groceries in the house and I was pissed! Hence in steps God's sense of humor. Remember that UTI I told you I felt coming on...well when the water hit me, it triggered that urge to go to the bathroom and so in my driveway there I stand with my hands full of groceries and the urge to pee that knocks me to my knees. I'm squeezing those kegel muscles and my buttocks, crossing my legs and squatting all the while trying to fight this urge when I feel this warm trickle come down my legs as if I wasn't doing anything to prevent it from happening. I look around to see if anyone is watching, check to see if there is anything fragile in the box I'm holding, drop it to the ground and make a mad dash for the bathroom in the basement where I fight with the drawstring on my carpi's, fumble with the button and the zipper and come on lets face it by this time I'm done but I sit anyway and through clenched teeth try not to scream as the burn kicks in but nothing comes out and I hear the kids calling me from upstairs because at that moment a loud clap of thunder lets loose. I wanted to cry but I couldn't I just sat on the toilet and laughed, got myself together, finished putting the groceries away, took a shower and got in the bed only to have to get up, get dressed and go pick my daughter up from church because of all the times she doesn't have a ride home tonight would be the night...

Sunday, church was blessed. Jonathan Butler was the special musical guest for our pastor's anniversary and it was good but somehow I missed my girlfriend and her husband in the lobby so we could sit together. Now we both got to church about the same time, stood in the same lobby but never saw each other?!? Figure that one out. I was in a real state too. I was cranky from the UTI which of course I can't get any relief from until I go to the doctor on Monday, my feathers had been ruffled by my better half and I just wanted... a moment. Well let me tell you church is not where you should be if you're trying to have a moment because that's when He really starts to mess with you. But after church I tried to pick up right where I left off only to be thwarted at every attempt. We went out for brunch, came home and he left to take his friend home. I stewed but decided that I would take a nap and maybe I would feel better. Can I tell you I didn't get a nap - the phone rang, the kids needed stuff, I had dinner slow cooking on the stove but couldn't relax for fear it might burn, I was in pain... it just wasn't happening so I got up, hung out with the kids, fixed dinner, watched TV with them and got them to bed. I got my stuff together for work and settled down to watch my TV show. Just as I got settled, my better half got back and yes, those feathers got ruffled all over again. I was a plum nut and nothing he said, could have said or would have said could change it but again as I got ready to give in to urge to have that moment I got these piercing pains in my abdomen. So I laid in bed tossing and turning all night until at some point I fell into an exhausted sleep just in time for the alarm clock to go off at 5:00.

Happy Monday. What a great day. It's raining and damp and I'm tired and in pain but I need to leave early to pick up my sister and drop her off at work and I know when I get to the office I will hit the ground running. Thinking that I'll feel better if I dress nice I pull out a nice brown pantsuit and look real professional as I head out the door. Mind you my feathers are still ruffled so the morning isn't flowing like it normally would but since I'm meeting my sister I'm on my best behavior. Do I need to tell you that I left the house in such a huff that I didn't screw my head on right and started heading towards her house instead of the dealership so I had to back track and then I noticed that I forgot to gas up over the weekend and the idiot light was on saying I needed gas. So I pick her up, get gas, drop her off and still make it to work on time but then as I'm pulling into the parking deck I remember the car seat I was supposed to bring for my co-worker. Arrgghh! As I head up the block to the building the sky opens ups but thankfully I had on a rain coat. It's quiet for a Monday as no one sane is around at this ungodly hour of 7:30 am. The empty corner office seems to cast a pallor over the early stragglers as we lament the loss of our president who left us on Friday for a new job. My desk looks a wreck - I worked until 7:45 Friday evening and didn't bother to straighten up when I left. My back hurts, my boss is driving me crazy and I just want...a moment. As the morning progresses, I'm feeling worse, the desk is getting more out of control and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm exchanging emails with my better half, friends and co-workers alike trying to get my day to flow in its normal rhythm but it's not. I call the doctor's office and get an appointment for later in the afternoon. I should be able to make the appointment and hit the road in time to get to my mom's house for the wake this evening.

Yes, during these past few days of me trying to have a moment my cousin died. Percy was a great force of life in our family. He could light up a room and make everyone at ease with a smile. He was greatly loved and he will truly be missed. So tonight I'll pay my respects to the family because I can't take off for the funeral on Tuesday. Just another reminder from God that here I am trying to have a moment when there are others out there having much bigger issues to deal with than me without the benefit of having a moment so why should I?

I won't. I don't have time and I probably wouldn't enjoy it anyway so I'm dragging myself up out of the pit with a few smudges on my pants and hands but otherwise clean and will proceed to whip myself out of this funk in time for my therapy session tonight wherein I'll get that swift kick in the butt telling me to get over myself and get on with my life.

Ain't God good! :-)

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