My Sister's Keeper

Last night I went with a group of women from the church (WOW ministries human services division and the Treasure Wythe Inn) to Manor House to visit the women that live there and be a blessing to them through donations made last week.

The theme last night was “My Sister’s Keeper” and it was such a blessing. Manor House is a transitional home, located in Richmond and run by The New Life for Youth Ministries, for women going through different circumstances in life – drugs and alcohol abuse, emotionally broken down, homeless, etc. They live there for 12 months and during that time they are stripped of everything that is binding them up and rebuilt upon the foundation of God. It’s not an easy thing and there are a lot who start the program but never finish (but a seed is planted). For those that stay God does a mighty work in them.

They range in age from 18 – 40+ and are racially and economically diverse in their backgrounds but what they have in common is the desire to be better than they were. They want to make something of themselves and they want it to be through God. They have that disciple’s spirit of less of me and more of you God.

I was in awe of them last night and my cup runneth over from the opportunity to serve them. I was tremendously blessed just by being there in their midst and then to talk with them, hear their stories and feel the spirit was enough to allow the emotions to come tumbling out. I cried, I hugged and received hugs enough to fill my empty reservoir. The light in their eyes matched the smiles on their faces and even when they talked about how hard the program is, how much they miss their children, husbands, friends and family you could still see that desire in them to continue on.

To be able to fellowship with them, to encourage them to hang in there and share with them that although we might look like we have it all together we don’t, was very humbling. Outside appearances can be very deceiving and we let them know that. We have all gone through some stuff, we are all going through some stuff and we will continue to be challenged in our lives if we live for Christ but we are not alone. That was the message last night.

We all have the opportunity to be our sister’s keeper. To make a difference in the lives of the women we come in contact with in our lives whether it be at that home, our own homes, on the job, or even in the store there is always an opportunity to be our sister’s keeper.

No matter where you go in the world you are not alone. There are sisters everywhere you go. You just need to be open to the Spirit and ask God for the opportunity to be of service and He will reveal it to you. It might be just for that bus ride to the mall or that moment during a sporting event for your child that you connect with someone but that’s one more moment when you can share, inspire or uplift a broken hearted soul with a look, a hug, a kind word, or something more tangible like a meal, some money or clothes, if so moved.

We have all been charged with being our “brother’s keeper” and that goes for us sisters too. So I am blessed in spite of my mess and right now my mess is less on my mind than finding the next opportunity to be my sister’s keeper or to serve someone, some how in some way that will continue to give God the glory and take “me” out of the equation.

How about you?

Sex is...

Mind numbing, shocking, humbling, fearful, frustrating, disbelieving, relieving, intense; Angry, enjoyable, shameful, fun, fearful, exhilarating, life altering, freeing, awesome. Fulfilling, longing, passionate, soul shaking, earth shattering, hurtful, fearful, fearful, fearful. Self- loathing, suicidal, worthless, longing, completing, exciting, good, bad, indifferent, alive.

The word my finger landed on for that speaking exercise was sex.

If you take a minute, read each word listed above and think about it you can probably remember a time in your life when you have seen through media (TV, movies, music, books, newspaper, video games, etc) and personal life experiences how each of these words relate to sex and can probably add a few more of your own.

The difference between you and I is that ALL of my experience with these words come from personal life experiences and the recurring theme has been fearful.

That said I am looking to change that as I work with the Speakers Bureau and continue the healing process involving some of the most difficult times in my life centered on date rape, abuse, domestic violence, etc.

What I found to be most enlightening and eye opening was sharing this process with my husband and the conversation we had on a man’s perspective of these words that I expressed.

He totally understood my feelings and we had a long discussion about how a man might perceive sex as I have described it, including what would make it fearful to a man. It truly helped me to get an insight into the mind of “a man” being as they have long been an enigma to me and a huge contributing factor to my outlook on this word and what it means.

Today...

I wish I could go back to being numb. The gamut of emotions I've experienced today is enough to make me walk around in a Prozac, Cymbalta, Valium haze for life. I understand the alcoholic and drug addicts need to self medicate – TOTALLY, at times, even enviously because I have too much discipline to let go of the control.

I quit, really I do. I refuse to let myself be in this position again. What a joke those words are. I promised myself when I left my ex-husband that I would never let him hurt the kids or me again and during this whole custody thing I've tripped up time and again and been hit square between the eyes by him but today has been the worst. Part of this is about me and my demons too. Sores I was willing to bet Vegas style on that they were healed have had the scabs ripped clean off and are pouring out blood. For the umpteenth time my heart has been ripped apart and left hemorrhaging at the scene.

But what can I do? Pray and let it go? I can't, not right now. I'm not super-Christian; my flesh is still stronger than my spirit and the need for vengeance is running through my veins. Yet I've been castrated by my conscience and so I will cry, rant, rave and wallow for my child and my inner child and then I will pick myself up, tap further into resources that can help me try to explain this to my children and try to implement this with the least amount of tearing apart as possible. Because, that is who I am.

Sucker Punched

I received an email last night that left me tortured in my sleep and a complete basket case today.

Wounds I thought healed have been ripped open. Forgiveness I extended has been yanked back and buried.

I am a mother bear on the brink. I am speechless and thoughtless. Angry and embittered. My soul is on fire and literally my mind cannot even begin to comprehend how I'm supposed to break the news to my child/children.

My ex-husband and I have four children together. We have sole custody of one and he adopted the other three. So for the 6.5 years of her existence this child has known him as "Daddy" and at some point during this custody/visitation battle he has decided that he doesn't want her to be included in his visitation with the other kids because he's only her legal guardian, not her father. I was informed last night that he wants overnight visits with "3 special young ladies" and the "court appointed guardian" for the children is in agreement with this. WTH!!!

To say that her life has not been easy is an understatement. She has big issues, attachment disorder, is in counseling at our expense because its out of network and we struggle with her on a daily basis as we try to help her become the best she can be in spite of all the setbacks she has had in her life and now I have to hand her one of the most devastating ones of all. Rejection from a parent.

My soul empathizes and sympathizes with her because I have been there and have struggled with that rejection for most of my life. To this day there are times when it still looms larger than life and renders me breathless and that's after years of counseling, resolution to a relationship I can't change and acceptance of what I could get verses what I want much less needed.

This could potentially tear the children apart as there will be resentment at being left behind, jealousy over what activities take place during the visits and taunting which is part of life especially between siblings. It has the potential to create greater aggression and hostility in this child that no amount of love and counseling can abate.

To say that we have been dealt a low blow is an understatement. Again I must say that our justice system at times is a joke. No true thought goes into what is in the best interest of the children only what suits the parents.

In regards to the parents - well, I think there ought to be a special place in hell for the "parents" that use their kids as pawns in relationships; that disregard the responsibility they have been given when they agree to bring a life into this world and then walk out on that life, abuse them or worse reject them at a whim.

God help me because right now there are no words from man that can calm the raging waves threatening to overflow out of me.

The ABC's of Me

A - Age: 44 and loving it!!!

B - Book you're reading: Roadside Crosses - Jeffery Deaver

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning bathrooms - I'm a germaphobe

D - Dad's name: Jeffery

E - Essential start your day item: Prayer

F - Favorite way to exercise: walking outside or at the Y

G - Gold or Silver: Both I like them together

H - Height: 5'9"

I - Instruments you play(ed): None

J - Job title: Executive Assistant

K - Kid(s): Jamar, Sydney, Kyra, Antonio, Justice, Mikayla & Victoria

L - Living arrangements: Own a house

M - Mom's name: Shirley.

N - Nicknames: Mom, Mommy, Honey, Baby and probably a few I don't know about

O - Odd habits: I can't skip buttons, snaps, etc. It's a compulsion.

P - Pet: None

Q - Quiet or Loud: Quiet. Unless I'm ranting

R - Right or left handed: Left.

S - Siblings: 3

T - Typical dinner: Mac n Cheese and hot dogs for the kids, spinach salad w/salmon for me

U- University: Virginia Tech - Go Hokies!!!

V - Vegetable you dislike: Artichoke, water chestnuts.

W - Weirdest talent: I'm still alive and kicking despite everything that has happened in my life

X - X-rays you've had: My lungs, chest, feet, wrist, hips, shoulder

Y - Your favorite place to visit: the beach

Z - Zoo favorites: tigers

And the word is...

During our training for the Speaker's Bureau for the Survivor's Caucus we had to do an exercise that totally sent me into a tail spin. We had a 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper filled with words from top to bottom. Words of every kind, meaningless words that didn't have anything to do with anything in particular.

Much like Toastmaster's we had to take a word and come up with a one-minute speech on that word. The caveat was that we had to close our eyes and place our finger on the page, whatever word our finger landed on was the word we were to use.

Now we were on the honor system here. There was no one looking over our shoulder to see what our word was so if we had wanted to choose another word we could have. For all those that know me... well then you know that I kept the word that my finger landed on in spite of the fact that the room spun around and I broke out into a cold sweat. I mean how could I possibly come up with something to talk about for one-minute about this word.

I took a deep breath, dove in and here is what I came up with.

Mind numbing, shocking, humbling, fearful, frustrating, disbelieving, relieving, intense. Angry, enjoyable, shameful, fun, fearful, exhilarating, life altering, freeing, awesome. Fulfilling, longing, passionate, soul shaking, earth shattering, hurtful, fearful, fearful, fearful. Self loathing, suicidal, worthless, longing, completing, exciting, good, bad, indifferent, alive.

What was my word?

A privilege and an honor

A dream come true!!! An opportunity to give back just as I had hoped.

Dear Kim Dunham-Christian,

Hello to ALL! Before anything else, I would like to commend each and everyone of you for your courage in sharing your experience and yourself as we work to create the first ever state-wide Speaker's Bureau for survivors of sexual and domestic violence in Virginia. Your words and the knowledge that you have gained along your journey have the power to bring healing and hope to so many. Your presence and your willingness to share your experiences can bring about much needed progress and change to a culture that, far too often, turns a blind eye on the trials that face survivors of sexual and domestic violence. Silence has been our enemy for far too long. Together we can make our voices heard!

The Survivor Caucus of the Virginia Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Action Alliance has reviewed your application and would like to invite you to attend our first Speaker's Bureau Training...


When I received this email I cried because there was finally a way for me to make a difference; an opportunity to stand before the General Assembly, local legislative bodies, schools, churches, etc. and let them know that there is a name, face, and voice for Domestic/Sexual Abuse victims in Virginia.

We had a training session two weeks ago and to say that it was intense would be an understatement. I met 8 wonderful women who have been affected by domestic/sexual violence in their lives as victims or advocates and they each touched me in a way that I can't begin to describe.

I knew accepting this would be a challenge but it was one that I felt I was ready to take. I wasn't wrong. It opened up a lot of wounds that I'd like to keep closed but they won't ever heal that way so it was/is much needed. I heard stories similar to mine, more horrific and heartbreaking but also stories of victory, survival and thriving that boosted me up and let me know that greater things are out there for me.

I received hope that one day there will be no more demons haunting me, no more nightmares, no more fear and total healing and forgiveness for everyone involved. I received hope for a brighter future not just for myself, but for all the victims that have been silenced in the past.

As we stand up and tell our stories, their stories, we can bring about a change in the way society views us, handles and supports us as we strive to break the silence, break the chains of bondage that keep us in the dark or cowering and living in fear from our abusers.

And where there is hope, there is light to show the way as we walk out of the darkness.