Monday Snowy Monday

Wow, what a day. It started with an unexpected snow day that was really just a monkey wrench in my plans. All signs of snow were gone by 10:00 but I was home with the kids for the long-haul. The day grew long and draining as they clamored to be entertained. I thought I was beyond having to entertain but obviously not. Sigh!

When I wasn’t the entertainment and between answering emails, updating calendars and checking voicemail, I was the referee as they fought over who played what games on the wii, the DSI’s or whose turn it was to pick what to watch on TV. Never did a Monday seem so long. By 2:00 I’d had enough and retreated to my room to no avail. The constant knocking to ask yet one more question just made me blow an internal gasket.

I got up and started laundry to everyone’s dismay because that meant work on their part sorting, untucking and carrying them down to the laundry room. If only they had listened and let me be… Dinner, showers, pack lunches and to bed. Thank you God!

I was so tired and frazzled I soon joined them but for the life of me couldn’t get to sleep. My head would not shut down. I was befuddled and befumbled with voices from the day. I put on some soothing music, lit a candle and eventually went off to sleep but not without silently rehashing the moments of the day when I truly enjoyed my time with them – 5:00 in the morning when I checked on them and they were all asleep and 9:00 tonight when again all was quiet and no one needed, wanted, begged, cried, screamed, threatened or cajoled another into getting their way. Oh the joys of parenthood.

Love? Pt. 2

And because I didn't say all that I wanted to say in my first post because I'm still leery about this new found freedom to write, I'm being convicted. So here is the rest of what I truly wanted to say.

No one should have to beg someone to love them. We have the greatest love of all - the love of God and that is enough for us. Although some of us (me) have yet to discover and/or embrace this, it is still there. It is more than enough and it won't hurt us or let us down like the love of the world.

I know that this is true with all my heart but it doesn't matter when my emotions are all caught up in the worldly love. The love that makes my heart skip a beat when I hear his voice, read his text messages or hear that song that is exclusively ours. Nor does it matter when you are a child longing for the love of a parent, a friend or a sibling. All you want is the here and now. The ache is so real you can touch it and all you want is for it to be filled and in your mind that person is the only one that can fill it.

That may be true for the moment but over time the needs rises up again and that person is no longer capable of filling the void and bitterness and resentment comes into play. Disappointment follows you around and if you're not careful you start searching for the next thing that will fulfill you, albeit temporarily, yet again.

I'm speaking my truth. My journey. The fact that I have searched and searched and searched without having found fulfillment in my longing to be loved; to feel completely loved, understood and accepted for who I am. And because of that there has always been this sense of emptiness and worthlessness that has followed me. I have never felt that kind of love although I have come close with my Dad but he was taken away from me and the void grew even stronger.

I've done my share of discarding people because they couldn't give me what I was continuously searching for. I think that is why I became a nurturer. If I couldn't get the love I needed then I could certainly give it to those around me. And so I have spent my life giving, giving and giving in hopes that it would ease the ache and divert me from what I'm searching for.

And yet I still want it; crave it and make vain attempts at finding it when it is right before me. I am ashamed, yet I am human. I am sorry but I am still needy. I want and therefore I go after it in all the wrong places for it is here. Right here; yet I reject it because it is more than I can handle.

I am fearful for I have spent a lifetime searching and find it so hard to fathom that it is truly within my grasp and I can have it if I but give in to it. And yet I can't. I'm not ready. There is still so much I am wrestling with inside of myself. Most of all my worthiness to receive it. I know that I don't have to be worthy just willing to accept it but in my mind... therein lies the problem that I do not know how to overcome.

Love?

The chorus to the song “I can’t make you love me” sung by various artists, most recently Tank, ran round my head all weekend for several reasons.

I can’t make you love me if you don’t. I can’t make your heart feel something it won’t. Here in the dark, in these final hours I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power; but you won’t. No you won’t cuz’ I can’t make you love me if you don’t.

These words say a lot about my relationships yesterday and today. They take me on a trip back down memory lane to how I’ve spent my time trying to force relationships to be all that I wanted them to be instead of accepting them for what they were and just being thankful that I got what I did instead of what I longed for to the present where I find myself once again (in a different way) wanting from someone something I can’t have but long for.

And then again it was brought to my attention as I watched my son and his girlfriend this weekend go through changes in their relationship that I can relate to. I see what they are going through and want to share the wisdom that I have accumulated over the years to help them navigate through this rough time they are going through and with a baby involved nonetheless, yet feel inadequate in my ability to do so because it is still something I continue to struggle with.

Through the years I have learned that love is more an action verb than a noun. It is not passive and it requires a lot of work. It is also a choice and when someone chooses to stop loving another individual essentially unless they change their mind there isn’t much you can do except accept their decision and pray. Pray that in time they will change their mind or that God will intercede and things will work themselves out if that is His plan for your life and that if it is not in His will that you will be free to move on from the emotions that envelope you and make you long for that which is not for you.

But being the carnal creatures that we are a lot of us will go through great lengths to coerce the other party into loving us to the detriment of ourselves and others involved. Girls end up pregnant and men stalk women and both get crazed out of their minds in an attempt to force a relationship that just isn’t there any longer and perhaps never really was. This is where you determine whether or not it was love or lust; a passing fancy or the real deal.

I have learned that love isn’t just about feelings because they do wane after a while. It should be based on a much stronger foundation. Friendship is the true basis of a loving relationship. When there is friendship first there is something to fall back on as time passes, the emotions die down and the hustle and bustle of life interjects itself into the equation.

Love is also about forgiveness and sacrifice. Sometimes we have to forgive those that we love because they will inevitably do something to hurt us intentional or not for we are all human and fall short at one time or another. Sacrifice comes into play when we have to give of ourselves and sometimes get nothing in return but that too is ok because in the end it all works itself out. I am guilty of not doing either in some of my past relationships and as a result they ceased to function and died.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing if we can take the lessons learned and bring them forward and apply them to our current and future situations. As for right now, I am torn between wanting someone to love me the way I want/need to be loved and accepting the friendship that is being offered.

Accepting the friendship is the right thing to do but the void that has been there all my life waiting to be filled will still be there. I know it is a void that only God can fill but until I heal this relationship with Him and allow it to progress to what it should be it will remain.

Funny how I know the answer; I know what needs to be done but I resist because I want what I want instead of what is the appropriate thing. There are other forces at work that make this a difficult choice. Satan knows what I’m longing for and he’s dangling it in front of me. Making me desire it more than what I really truly need (temptation) and I have to resist and be stronger than the enemy at this time.

So instead of trying to take matters into my own hands I need to look to the One that already has it worked out according to His will. Oh what a hard lesson that is to learn.

In the meantime, as these words ruminate in my mind a little while longer hopefully I will find new meaning in them instead of the sadness and longing they currently instill.

Uncomfortable

Uncomfortable is defined as causing or feeling unease or awkwardness.

When I talk about my truth do I make you feel uncomfortable? When I put it out there for the whole world to see does that make you uncomfortable? If I were talking to you one on one about these things would you be uncomfortable that I chose you to reveal my emotions to?

Uncomfortable has been resonating in my brain for the past couple of days since I decided to just put myself out there once again and so I have to ask is it me or is it you that is experiencing this feeling?

I was having a conversation the other day with a friend and every time I mentioned something about myself the other party changed the subject. The first time it happened I thought it was just a coincidence so I deliberately did it again a couple more times and got the same result and that led me to know that she was uncomfortable with me sharing personal details of my life with her. I couldn’t figure out why since it wasn’t anything of great importance. Very basic information and certainly not scandalous by any stretch of the imagination and so it got me wondering...

If it was happening to me in such an innocent situation how many other women have experienced something similar and how has it affected them and their ability to share their world with others due to the fact that others appear uncomfortable with their sharing?

Why do you feel uncomfortable? Is it because you can empathize with my feelings or is it because you’re so caught up in your life that you don’t want to be distracted by what might be going on in someone else’s? Suppose it’s a combination of the two – you can relate but you’re also too busy to be in a position to offer assistance or support. Let’s really step out there and say you feel uncomfortable because you simply don’t care to hear about my issues – then what?

It is not my intention to make anyone feel uncomfortable whatever the reason and so if I do I apologize that it makes you feel that way but I can’t take it back. In fact, it will probably get deeper from here.

For whatever reason I feel compelled to share, to question and to probe the issues that have brought me to this point and this venue is where I’m being led to do it. I’m hoping that in my struggle you will find comfort, peace, understanding and perhaps healing of your own. I am hoping to educate and share what I have learned and am continuing to learn.

I’m hoping to create deeper more intimate relationships with those of you that come along on the journey and that you too will feel compelled to contribute to the process. It’s not all about me. God is at work here. I know that with all my heart because He released me from being bound up all these months unable to write. There has to be a purpose to that for He is very intentional in everything that He does.

So be prepared to step out of your comfort zone just as I am prepared to reveal my weaknesses and shortcomings to you. Together let us find comfort in one another and move forward stronger, bolder, healthier and happier than we’ve ever been be it by reading, commenting or silently taking it all in and then having a dialogue with Him about whatever is on your mind.

I pray this uncomfortableness will be a blessing to you.

Confusion

Lysa talked about being a little mad and a lot confused in this post. She gave us three pieces of great advice that if followed will bring you closer with God even during the silent times.

1. Press in to God when you want to pull away. (Jeremiah 29:13)
2. Praise God out loud when you want to get lost in complaints. (Psalms 40:3)
3. Put yourself in the company of truth. (Proverbs 12:26)

Now to see how I can put it to use in my life...

Confusion is my friend when it comes to my relationship with God. I don’t understand how I can be so sure of something one moment and so out of context with it the next but that is where I find myself time and time again. Mainly at my own doing but there nonetheless. I have come to realize that the silence I get from God is because I’m not fully engaged.

My relationship with God is one of longing and desire for something more than what currently is but until I plug in and stay plugged in it can’t come to fruition. I don’t just pull away, I unplug myself and run so far in the other direction I might as well be back at the starting blocks and after a while of doing this I have a tendency to stay arm’s length away just so I don’t have to continuously repeat the cycle of plugging and unplugging. I just stay unplugged, which is where I am right now. I can’t hear Him because I’ve distanced myself from Him; intentionally, deliberately and with calculated precision I pulled the plug. Part of me doesn’t want to hear and the other part of me is craving that one on one attention. I’m fighting a battle within myself and until it is settled I can’t move forward.

Praising Him is so hard to do when you don’t feel like it. And I don’t feel like it. I’m not lost in complaints I just am existing. I don’t have anything to complain about that isn’t due to some fault of my own so that is not the issue. But when I do try to get some words out they fall flat without feeling. Vain repetitions just like my prayers so I’ve stopped praying and praising for the moment. (I pray with the girls each night but I don’t have prayers where I praise Him and lay my cares at His feet) Not sure what it will take to get it started again but just not feeling it at the moment so no need to pretend. I know the saying “fake it til you make it” but I can’t do that with Him. I have to be my true authentic self and He’d know I didn’t mean it which to me is worse than not saying anything at all at this time. A hypocrite I don’t want to be.

Put yourself in the company of truth. That’s what I’m doing. Trying to surround myself with warriors of God that will keep me uplifted in prayer and girded about with the truthfulness of His word. I’m reaching out through my blog, through email, in person – let’s do lunch (hint, hint), and prayerfully those that He has purposed to support me at this time will rally together and I will be in good company.

Failure to launch

I started out reading my daily devotional here at Proverbs 31 which then led me to here to Lysa’s blog and reading that led me back to my space.

I felt I needed to express my emotions after reading such simple yet profound truths because they were spilling out of me like popcorn in a popper.

I have tons of unmet needs. More than I care to admit sometimes and most of them are of my own doing. God is not withholding anything from me but I am withholding myself from him and in doing so there is not the opportunity for him to minister to me and bless me like he would like to according to his word. I have never doubted the existence of God or of Jesus Christ but boy have I doubted my worthiness of their time, attention and gosh forbid - blessings.

Despite all of my attempts to disassociate myself from him I have been blessed. He has lavished me with blessings daily. As I awake to see another glorious day no matter how difficult it is to make it through said day in my heart I still consider it a blessing.

I have a house full of wonderful kids that I am blessed to call my own even when I feel that I’ve failed them on so many fronts as we go through this journey of life together because God trusted me enough to allow these angels to be given to me when no one else would have them.

And yet I doubt, I pull, I run, I duck and I dodge him and all else that he has to impart into my life.

My unmet needs are from failure to launch. I’ve made it to the dock where the boat is tied but I’ve yet to get in said boat, untie it and let the sail up to make the journey. Fear has me paralyzed. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success and fear in general. I could list a thousand reasons why and still not be any closer to launching my vessel into the waters of trust.

So deep inside of me is a hurting individual that just can’t pull the rope to let loose of the dock. There is so much at stake here and I’m not sure I can handle it all. So I continue to stand there looking in earnest wanting so very much to get in the boat - heck at this point I’d settle for sitting on the dock and putting my feet in the water but I don’t know how.

All I see are the failures in my life from the choices I have made. All I hear are the whispers in my head of how worthless I am because of said choices and failures and all I feel is dread because I have taken those thoughts and feelings and made them my truths.

My trust doesn’t lie in God but in myself. I trust myself to mess it up or by happenstance get it right but in the end the fault all lies with me and there is comfort in that knowing that I am to blame for my issues and not God. The God whom I love and have on a pedestal so high I’ll never be able to reach Him if I live a thousand years. For he represents all that is good and worthy and I feel I represent all that is bad or ugly.

To say that I’ve done a number on myself would be an understatement at this point. I’m so far gone into this way of thinking and feeling that anything else seems foreign. Yet as I read, as I grow, as I continue to try and edify myself with his word I feel something new – a longing to be a part of what He has destined for me but I don’t know how to get it.

So today I write this and consider it a step in the right direction – a toe in the water if you will, swishing back and forth, back and forth and hopefully that will lead to something else; perhaps a seat on the dock?

I am hopeful, yet hesitant but not totally discouraged.

The Busyness of Life

Take a deep breath and let the day begin...

5:00 wake up, take a shower, get dressed, put on the make-up, and do the hair
6:00 wake up the girls and get them out the door
6:30 head to the babysitters house
6:45 head to work
7:00 – 7:15 depending on the gods of the road get to work
7:30 start my work day
5:30 the work day is over time to head home
6:15 pick up the girls and go home
6:45 get dinner going and eat
7:30 – 9:00 baths, pack lunches, go over homework, prayer, and bed for the girls
9:00 "free time" i.e. get clothes laid out for tomorrow, pack my lunch, do homework, watch TV, listen to music, read a book or go to sleep

Repeat

Monday night is movie night, Tuesday we run errands, Wednesday I have study group from 6:30 – 9:00, Thursday I have school from 6:00 – 10:00, Friday I’m exhausted, Saturday run errands and entertain the girls, Sunday is church, laundry and dinner. I try to squeeze in a nap if I am lucky. Depending on what is due for school Saturday and Sunday evening are reserved for homework.

Factor in doctor/dentist appointments, weekly counseling sessions, jump rope club, bowling, bible study for the girls, and miscellaneous events for school and I think that pretty much takes care of every waking moment I have. And yet I look for other things to keep me busy. Am I crazy or what!

No I'm not. It's not just my reality but that of many women all across the world. We have so much on our plates and yet we allow ourselves time to add just one more thing because we think we have to. It's our job to make the world go round. We balance the weight of home in one hand and the job in the other and we are so determined to succeed that we often run ourselves in the ground in the process. And for what? The reasons are endless.

So how do we get out of this life of busyness and what is the alternative? How do we juggle work/life balance and still feel fulfilled and successful? I don't have all the answers but I do know that there has to be a happy medium in there somewhere.

For me it's about making choices, determining my priorities and what the end result will look like from the very beginning. What do I consider success and do I need to lower the bar just a little and stop trying to be "Superwoman". Average is good - some days! I welcome it and when I get a few extra minutes I'll try not to cram something in there and just take a few deep breaths and enjoy the moment. Now if last night is any indication of what a little silence and free time will do to me then I have a long road to travel but I'm working on it!

But seriously, we need to slow down and take inventory of all that we are involved in as women, moms and families and start putting some boundaries around our time spent running to and fro and start building those relationships that won't feel so awkward when the busyness comes to a halt and we realize that it's just us or them and appreciate that time for what it is. After all tomorrow isn't promised to any of us and what will it matter how busy we were versus how much time and energy we invested in building the relationships that mean the most in our lives.