Silence

The silence that surrounds me is deafening. I know I should bask in the quietness but it makes me antsy. I keep checking my phone to see if I’ve missed a call or an email to have something to do. It’s His way of getting me to quiet down and listen for the still small voice but I’m not ready so I retreat to my room, turn on the TV and the computer and make myself busy.

What am I running from? Why won’t I let Him in? How long will I run from what l want but am scared to handle – a stronger more intimate relationship with Him?

Rainy Day

Today is a rainy day and I’d rather be at home snuggled up in a blanket watching movies and eating junk than sitting at work. I love rainy days for that reason alone but I also like them because they allow us time to be quiet. It isn’t often that you go out hustling and bustling into the world on the weekend if it is raining. We usually find time to do the things around the house that have been put off because of the busyness of our lives and we move at a much slower pace. Taking time to stop and smell the roses so to speak.

There is something very soothing and calming about the rain as if it were sent to lull us into peace and quiet. I know I sleep very well on the nights that the rain falls all night long and nap in abundance during rainy days.

It’s during these times I feel a different closeness to God. Knowing that the rain is coming from Him it brings pause to my soul. I often think about the reason for the rain. Is it to replenish the earth or is it His tears at the immorality of the world in which we live and the lives of his children. It is during this time that I can read His word with a different purpose and have greater understanding. My mind slows down just enough to allow the Holy Spirit to reveal to me what He wants me to know when I am in my quiet time.

How does the rain affect you? Do you find peace or serenity in it? Share your thoughts.

He shall come down like rain upon the mown grass: as showers that water the earth. (Psalm 72:6)

Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants. (Deuteronomy 32:2)

He is like the light of morning at sunrise on a cloudless morning, like the brightness after rain that brings the grass from the earth.' (2 Samuel 23:4)

Putting it out there

And so I said it. Just put it out there like it was nothing but really it was a big deal. There is this fear that you will alienate those that know you because they might realize that they really don’t know you or that hey, what’s she doing in my head.

You see we all have our demons to face. Mine is death or thoughts of dying which is an escape from the hard knocks of life I’ve gone through and someone else’s might be food, anorexia, bulimia, cutting, binging, alcohol or even drugs. There are so many vices that we as people have as coping mechanisms for the things that bring us pain. Shopping to fill the void, eating to comfort the wounded soul, or exercising to release the stress; I’ve tried it all and nothing works for long. Sure it brings a temporary high or fix to the problem but when it wears off the problem is still right there staring you in the face along with the guilt of the instrument of your denial.

But when I look outside of myself for the answer, that is when I find God waiting in the wings ready to swoop in and save me just like the loving Heavenly Father his Word professes Him to be. In the midst of the darkness shines an eternal light and if you look hard enough you will see it. If you call loud enough He does hear you and when you are silent because there are just no words to express what you are feeling but you’re shedding tears, and have thoughts rambling round your brain He. Is. There.

I know because I’ve been there; deaf, dumb and mute but not immune to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Not so far gone that I couldn’t pull back from the edge and say ok Lord, one more day because He poured out his love on me so much so I was full for that moment and my cup runneth over. He doesn’t just do that for me – he does it for everyone that seeks Him. He’s not lost we are. And He’s out there. Waiting for you, waiting for me, ready to give us whatever it is we stand in need of.

Won’t you seek Him?

And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:13)

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. (Matthew 7:7&8)

I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me. (Proverbs 8:17)

Gratitude

I am truly grateful to my Lord and Savior because it was a breakthrough day today in that the flood gates opened up and I was able to write again after a long unplanned hiatus.

The great thing about it was that I felt free again like a bird whose wing had healed and it could fly again or like a kid let loose in the candy store. I couldn’t get enough writing in today. I kept thinking of things I wanted, needed, and felt compelled to say but had held back for so long.

I had to temper myself to stop and wait for a few hours while I went home and tended to the activities of the house for the evening but now the house is quiet. The kids are all settled and I’m back at the keyboard ready to put down all that wants to spill out of me or should I say spew out of me like a volcano. It is so overwhelming to have so much at my fingertips again. I feel so blessed but also so humbled because I know this is a gift from Him and I don’t take it lightly.

I give thanks that He gave me my voice again through the written words that fly from my fingertips.

Dancing with Death

Death is defined as the end of the life of a person; the act or fact of dying or being killed.

For me it symbolizes freedom.

I fight a very real monster every day called death. He lures me into his intimate little sphere on a daily basis. He taunts and teases me. I run to him, desperately trying to catch him only to be thwarted each morning as I rise to another new and glorious day. Yes I know that sounds crazy. But it is my reality. At night when I go to sleep I long for it to be the end of a very long and hard journey. I look for death in my sleep and hope that each night will be the night that I catch up to him and will no longer wake to the sun shining through my window.

For those that know me you know that is an oxymoron because I am the consummate morning person. The first one awake and ready to tackle the day but what you don’t know is the disappointment or pain that accompanies that joy in the dawning of a new day.

Death has courted me for much of my life. I became aware of it at the age of eight and have shared this dance with it every day since that time. I look for it in the oddest places and even seek it without realizing it like a moth to a flame but time and time again I have been cheated out of my date.

I don’t fear death. I long for it. I don’t know what’s on the other side and at times I really don’t care. What I do see is an escape from this life and all the hurts and pains it has heaped on me during my forty-seven years of existence. Not that it has been any more hurtful for me than any other person but somehow in my mind death became a goal for me, a desire just as strong as a junkie’s search for his next fix. I court it on a continuous basis and when it gets close the high is so tangible I swear I’m walking on clouds only to land back on earth with a thud and an attitude.

As my relationship with God deepens I know that I am here until such a time as He is ready to call me back home but that doesn’t stop the desire, the longing and the daily struggle to overcome and win the battle.

You see it’s not about when I want to die but about God and the higher purpose He has for my life. He has snatched me out of numerous occasions when it was imminent and I could almost reach out and touch it only to say “not now my child”. Leaving me hurt, angry and confused as to why I had to live with the desire to not be here yet driven to make the most of my life while I am here.

As Paul had his thorn so I have mine.

Isolation

I have been in isolation this past year and it’s been my own doing. I didn’t intentionally isolate myself but I let my circumstances lead to it. Once again I’ve allowed myself to be ruled by what others think rather than my own thoughts and feelings. I got so caught up in being the perfect wife, the dutiful daughter, the role model for my kids, and the faithful friend, that I forgot that I am human and as such will stumble and fall from time to time myself and that’s ok. Somehow the superwoman complex had become my uniform and I have been wearing it proudly. That big S stretched out across my chest, hands on my hips as I floated two feet above ground just high enough to see over everyone’s head except my own.

In so doing, I left myself wide open for the enemy to sneak in and overtake me leading me down to a point where I was so caught up in everyone and everything else I didn’t think of me and my needs. My relationship with the One who knows all and could have steered me clear from the rocks I was about to crash into had all but ceased to exist and so crash did I ever. I forgot whose I was and who I was. Lost was the confidence to move forward and take care of me. All I could do was make it day by day for those around me that needed me and if you didn’t that was fine too.

I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities and shortsightedness that I didn’t think to reach out to see if you were ok because I was not. Pride reared its ugly head and knocked on the door and I let it in with all of its baggage of insecurity, loss, hurt, misunderstanding and denial. They came in, unpacked and settled in for the long haul. I was too down to resist and had no one to step in and say enough of this let’s get you out of here. So we became roommates of a sort and started a really great relationship. With my head down I plowed forward and just maintained everything as best I could. If it didn’t need me I let it go and soon I was down to just me because I let go of everyone else and with life these days we are all busy and so it was easy to fall off of people’s radar because life goes one with or without you.

Besides I was Superwoman and no one thought that there was anything wrong because I wore that S with so much pride. Inside though was another story and still remains that way. I am clawing my way back to myself; to a point where I am putting my needs first and allowing myself to have a say in my own life. I have a desire to plant my feet on the ground and reestablish a relationship with my Savior that is stronger than the one I let go.

I’m reaching out to my friends I pulled away from and saying I missed you, I need you, I want to make time for our relationship because it is important to me and I am praying that He will send new friends to replace the ones that chose not to extend the hand of forgiveness or if their season has passed and they are no longer part of His plan for my life. I want to be surrounded by warriors of faith that have experienced their own battles and have overcome with grace and mercy and are willing to share and impart their stories and wisdom into me so that I too may benefit from the lessons they have learned. I want to form a circle of friends that will lift me up in prayer daily and speak those words that I yet cannot utter and when I get to that place that I can I will do the same for them.

Will you join me?