Dancing with Death

Death is defined as the end of the life of a person; the act or fact of dying or being killed.

For me it symbolizes freedom.

I fight a very real monster every day called death. He lures me into his intimate little sphere on a daily basis. He taunts and teases me. I run to him, desperately trying to catch him only to be thwarted each morning as I rise to another new and glorious day. Yes I know that sounds crazy. But it is my reality. At night when I go to sleep I long for it to be the end of a very long and hard journey. I look for death in my sleep and hope that each night will be the night that I catch up to him and will no longer wake to the sun shining through my window.

For those that know me you know that is an oxymoron because I am the consummate morning person. The first one awake and ready to tackle the day but what you don’t know is the disappointment or pain that accompanies that joy in the dawning of a new day.

Death has courted me for much of my life. I became aware of it at the age of eight and have shared this dance with it every day since that time. I look for it in the oddest places and even seek it without realizing it like a moth to a flame but time and time again I have been cheated out of my date.

I don’t fear death. I long for it. I don’t know what’s on the other side and at times I really don’t care. What I do see is an escape from this life and all the hurts and pains it has heaped on me during my forty-seven years of existence. Not that it has been any more hurtful for me than any other person but somehow in my mind death became a goal for me, a desire just as strong as a junkie’s search for his next fix. I court it on a continuous basis and when it gets close the high is so tangible I swear I’m walking on clouds only to land back on earth with a thud and an attitude.

As my relationship with God deepens I know that I am here until such a time as He is ready to call me back home but that doesn’t stop the desire, the longing and the daily struggle to overcome and win the battle.

You see it’s not about when I want to die but about God and the higher purpose He has for my life. He has snatched me out of numerous occasions when it was imminent and I could almost reach out and touch it only to say “not now my child”. Leaving me hurt, angry and confused as to why I had to live with the desire to not be here yet driven to make the most of my life while I am here.

As Paul had his thorn so I have mine.

Grieving

Grieving is to feel or show grief over. Grief is deep mental anguish, as that arising from bereavement.

One would assume that I spent this past year grieving the death of my father and two uncles and while I wish this were true, it is not. There are five stages of grief, which are denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I have gone through two of these emotions, depression and acceptance, or what I would call resignation. I spent several months in a fog walking around on auto-pilot before seeking help for clinical depression. I have resigned myself to the fact that their time here on Earth has ended and that they are all in a better place. I am grateful that suffering is over but the tears have not come. The anger is absent. I am not in denial about their deaths but I remain emotionless, numb, resigned. Death is a constant. Something we will all experience but grieving is just as normal as death and I cannot seem to get myself to go there.

I miss my Dad and uncles very much but I do not think of them often. It is as if I have blotted them out of my mind. I see their pictures but I am not really “seeing” them for whom they were and what role they played in my life. They are like characters from a magazine or TV show. My memories are blocked. I refuse to go there unless there is a group of us talking about them and then it is all good, no sadness, just laughter and good times. While this is OK it is not enough. The knot is still there. The holes are still there and the feelings that were quick to rise up at the time of each death acknowledged.

Unfortunately, for me the defense mechanism of strength (i.e. being strong - crying is a sign of weakness) kicks in and overrides my senses and the moment passes not recognized for what it really is until something else triggers it. I do not want to experience another loss to grieve the loss of these three people as it will take away from the one who should really be grieved but I have to find a way to allow the squashed feelings to rise to the surface and released. I have to face these deaths from a personal perspective not a clinical approach. I am not on the outside looking in. These three people meant a great deal to me. They helped to mold me as I was growing up, now they are gone, and with them, a piece of me went too.

I want to cry, to release the pent up emotions but I cannot. It will not happen at least not right now. The one year anniversary for all of them have come and gone and still nothing, although I feel it lying just beneath the surface. Counseling has helped me to acknowledge it but so far nothing has helped me release it. One day I hope to be able to feel that this is all over for me and I will think of them and our times together often and fondly. In the meantime, I am waiting for the moment or moments when the wall comes down, the lid comes off and the emotions will come spilling out and I can move forward.

Perfectionsm, cool give away and some inisght

per·fec·tion·ism - noun: a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable especially : the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness.
Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2007 Merriam-Webster, Inc. Cite This Source

Rachel Olsen wrote about perfectionism and how it affects us on her blog and as part of the daily devotionals from Proverbs 31. She's giving away a Kindle 3 ebook reader for those interested in owning this totally awesome gadget in several different ways so pop over to her site and make sure you enter for a chance to win.

In the meantime, I too will be discussing my issues with perfectionism in hopes that what I learn from her this week I will be able to apply to my life which is anything but perfect right now on any front.

I was born with a perfectionist attitude. Perfection is my life's goal. I always felt that if I was perfect then everything in my world would be alright. I would have my mother's love, my parents would stay together, I would find someone that loved me for me and not what I could give them, etc. As I grew older it spilled over into my life with kids. If I was the most perfect mom in the world then I would have the best kids in the world.

At my job hearing good job isn't good enough. I don't take time to let those words seek in because I've already moved forward in my mind on how I could have made it better and what I will do next time. I see flaws everywhere I go and especially every time I look in the mirror.

No one is safe from me and my self-critical thinking in the pursuit of perfectionism and it's a sad, lonely, depressing way to live. Which is why I think I've spent the majority of my life wishing I was dead because I just knew I would never measure up to the idea of perfectionism I was born with. It is a daily struggle, sometimes hourly and even minute by minute depending on how far over the edge I've leaned.

Right now I'm in one of those places where I've leaned over so far that the slightest breeze might send me off the edge. I'm trying to seek help but you know what an ordeal that is in admitting that you can't cope or handle the issues and of course that is so far from perfectionism it's not funny. The issue really boils down to can I let go of my preconceived notions of perfectionism and the world's expectations of me and embrace the truth in the scripture reference or do I just give up and let go of the edge.

Rest In Peace Dad

On June 28, 2010 my dad passed after a brief and sudden illness. We put him to rest on July 7, 2010.

Thank you to everyone who sent cards, emails, and messages of comfort, care and concern. We have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and deeply touched to see what an impact our dad had on so many people.

Nothing can replace our dad but the memories we have will carry us until we meet again. "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." (2 Corinthians 5:8) We know that is where he is and we rejoice in this knowledge.

Rest in peace "Daddy Bill"

Tribute To Our Father

God sent you to us
You were His to take away
Although we hated to let you go
None of us came to stay
While you’re no longer in our midst
You’ll forever be in our heart
We’ll carry you around daily
And we’ll never be apart
You gave of yourself unselfishly
The leader God called you to be
Thanks for being the head of our house
And for loving us all unconditionally
Your smile, wit and laughter will be missed
Not to mention the bear hugs and the many cheeks kissed
As we reminisce through the shedding of tears
The wisdom you imparted will last us for years
Anonymous

We each had our own affectionate name for you
Pop, Daddy Bill, Dad, Papi and Papa Bill to name a few
You always lovingly answered to them all
Who will respond now when we call
You left quite a void that only one can fill
But we must be faithful and submit to His will
He will answer just as we’ve always heard
God will be our Father as He stated in His Word
You’ve been called to eternal rest
By the One who loved you best
Your work on Earth has come to an end
And we, your children, look forward to seeing you again
Lovingly submitted
The Children
Written by Kelly Gatling

Comfort & Joy

Two words that often go hand in hand but I’ve never really given them much thought other than singing it in a Christmas carol until last week.

I was in Bay Shore, NY with my mom, dad and two sisters attending the funeral of my mother’s youngest brother when the thought struck me and I was able to see the two words mesh together for what I believe was their intended purpose.

We drove up from Richmond to connect with my parents and sister in Maryland before heading to New York. I left work, kids, and holiday parties unattended, packed a bag and got on the road. After all, family is first in my book. My mother was taking this pretty hard. It was her baby brother. He was the youngest of 10 children and she was number 9. They had grown up together and were very close. We have all been anticipating the death of another brother who is suffering from cancer and so this was a surprise. She was emotionally drained from another death the preceding week so we were all very much aware of her fragility and it was our desire to be there with her and for her. We wanted to comfort her, support her and provide whatever we could by way of our physical presence.

It was during this time of closeness (10 hours in a car with 5 people) that the meaning of the words came together. She took great comfort in our being there and joy in our presence as we caught up on each other's lives, reminisced about the past, both the good and the bad, and during the silence - each deep in our own thoughts, allowed the Holy Spirit to have his way with us.

We attended the wake and to my great surprise when they opened the floor for comments my mother was the first to get up there and say something. She said we drew strength from the family and those in attendance. No one would have known earlier her brokenness, her heartache and her desire to just curl up in a ball and wish it all away or better yet to be with her brother.

I was blessed by the words from the crowd as they got up and recalled what my uncle meant in their lives. I saw tears stop flowing and smiles spreading, we had a few moments of deep laughter and there was much joy in the room from the memories that will last us the remainder of our lives.

One of the final speakers was a 10 year old boy who summed up the events of the evening like no other. He realized from all that was said that he was missing out on something great in his life and he was sad. He told us to stop taking people for granted. To embrace them while they are here and to find the time to be around them and learn all that we could from them because when they are gone, they are gone and something great is missed.

Wow, from the mouth of babes. Those words resonated around that room and soaked into our hearts. We applauded this young man for his words and the spirit in which they were delivered.

That young man did not realize that he had not missed out in what my uncle taught us during our lives but that during that moment he just displayed for us something that my uncle will always be remembered for - CHARACTER.

And from that we all felt comfort and joy.