Friendship

“Friends are the flowers in the garden of life. Beginning with a seed of trust, nurtured with laughter and tears, growing into loyalty and love.”

Navigating the minefield of friendship has always been a hardship for me. I’ve had friends come and go through the years and some friendships that have lasted since grade school, but I have never truly learned how to grow my circle of friends. As time has gone by it seems to have shrunk instead of increased. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for those that continue to be in my life although I wonder at times what I’ve done to deserve their loyalty.

I am true to my Virgo nature, once a friend always a friend - loyal to the end, unless the trust is broken and then the intricate threads that wove us together wither and break. While we still remain friends it is never to the extent we once were. I have a thing about trust; real deep-seated trust. Over the years I realize that I’ve grown cynical and isolated instead of outgoing and engaging in activities that would lead me to make new connections and now I find myself lost and at times alone.

My view of women and friendship has evolved from someone to hang out and go partying with to someone you share aspects of your life with and support each other through the different seasons you encounter in your life’s journey.

Not one to bog anyone down with my issues I’ve pretty much just held it all in and expressed what was just beneath the surface but nothing with any real depth to it for fear of rejection or abandonment. I always felt like I was supposed to be there for them but that my life had to be pretty close to perfect in order for things to work.

I never really realized until much later in life (like now…) that it is a give and take and that I have to share with them just as much as they share with me. Not wanting to be pushy or clingy I could go several weeks without calling or talking to my friends but devour the details of their lives when we did catch up while divulging very little of my own. Eager to please and ready to help at the drop of a hat but emotionally aloof is how I would define myself. And yet I know that there is more to friendship than this.

I pray that I will learn to reach out more often, to share more deeply, to trust implicitly and forgive as I have been forgiven for the slightest offenses that would normally send me retreating in an effort to preserve myself.

May He send me a circle of friends that will embrace my nuances and help me to break down the walls of isolation and allow me to blossom under their tutelage as I strive to be a better friend. May the friendships I do have flourish to even greater depths and may they know that I love them deeply, cherish them always and want nothing but the best for them today and always.

“A friend loves at all times…” Proverbs 17:17

When I grow up...

I’ve found my passion, my purpose, my goal and now I have to channel it in the right arenas and allow God to direct my path so that it can be done for His glory.

When I grow up I want to be a life coach and trainer. I want to share all these wonderful experiences I have had in my life with those that are going through similar situations. I don’t want them to go it alone, not when I have so much experience, empathy and sympathy that can be shared with them.

I love helping people. Encouraging them and being their voice when they don’t have one.

I like to talk with them and get them to see things from a different perspective than what they may be currently seeing it as and succeeding in working through the situation and coming out on the other side better, stronger and happier than they have ever been.

I like figuring things out. Teaching and training people to trust themselves, their instincts and the voice of reason that most of us have but at times fail to use or listen to.

I love posing questions and watching them figure out the answers, especially when they are stuck. To see the results that come from within when I knew they had it hidden deep inside them all along but we just needed to work at getting it out is so satisfying and fulfilling to me.

There is great joy in seeing other’s accomplish their dreams. To realize that life is good and they can have the best life ever if they work for it just a little harder, smarter and with passion. And mostly, they don’t have to go it alone.

Falling apart

The tears came as soon as I read your note. Why am I crying? What’s this all about and then I realized just how much hope I had wrapped up in your visit. Just how needy I am for the companionship. I didn’t want to cry, feel angry or even sad but I couldn’t help it. I withdrew into my shell, crawled into bed and called it a night. It’s not that I didn’t understand it’s just that my need overtook my senses and I gave in to them.

I’m all over the place with my emotions these days. There is just so much locked inside that is screaming to come out and I don’t know how to do it. I don’t want to walk around feeling this way I just want to let it all out. I’m alone now. Kids all gone and I’m left with my thoughts; thoughts of failure, loneliness, need and defeat.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I seem to get things right? I just want someone to love me like I love everyone in my life. I just want my kids to grow up and be the best they can be. I just want to succeed at just one thing in my life and feel like I’m making a difference. Instead I feel like I’ve failed miserably at everything and let everyone including myself down. I’m so lost - so far out there I don’t know how to reel myself back in or if I want to be reeled in.

I didn’t know life; my life would be this hard, this crazy or overwhelming. I look all around me and I know that a lot of what I see isn’t how it truly is but it all looks so much better than what’s going on in my little world.

I don’t want this. I don’t want the loneliness or the time to myself. I want to be needed and wanted. Please God please take me away from this. I can’t do this much longer. I’m trying so hard but you have no idea just how difficult this is. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to come home. Why can’t I come home? What more do you have for me to do here? I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything and right now I’m not enjoying this in the least. I just want out. Right now! How much longer do I have to stay here and endure this life?

Please answer me. Talk to me, send me a sign that you hear me and that I’m not really here all alone. Tell me what you want me to do. How you want me to do it and let me know that I am making a difference that all that I am going through is not for nothing.

Why am I here? What am I accomplishing? There’s got to be more to life than this pain, these thoughts and feelings. I just want it to all stop being so chaotic and settle down. I’m so tired, so very tired.

The Invitation

by Canadian writer and teacher Oriah

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dreams for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes."

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

The Busyness of Life

Take a deep breath and let the day begin...

5:00 wake up, take a shower, get dressed, put on the make-up, and do the hair
6:00 wake up the girls and get them out the door
6:30 head to the babysitters house
6:45 head to work
7:00 – 7:15 depending on the gods of the road get to work
7:30 start my work day
5:30 the work day is over time to head home
6:15 pick up the girls and go home
6:45 get dinner going and eat
7:30 – 9:00 baths, pack lunches, go over homework, prayer, and bed for the girls
9:00 "free time" i.e. get clothes laid out for tomorrow, pack my lunch, do homework, watch TV, listen to music, read a book or go to sleep

Repeat

Monday night is movie night, Tuesday we run errands, Wednesday I have study group from 6:30 – 9:00, Thursday I have school from 6:00 – 10:00, Friday I’m exhausted, Saturday run errands and entertain the girls, Sunday is church, laundry and dinner. I try to squeeze in a nap if I am lucky. Depending on what is due for school Saturday and Sunday evening are reserved for homework.

Factor in doctor/dentist appointments, weekly counseling sessions, jump rope club, bowling, bible study for the girls, and miscellaneous events for school and I think that pretty much takes care of every waking moment I have. And yet I look for other things to keep me busy. Am I crazy or what!

No I'm not. It's not just my reality but that of many women all across the world. We have so much on our plates and yet we allow ourselves time to add just one more thing because we think we have to. It's our job to make the world go round. We balance the weight of home in one hand and the job in the other and we are so determined to succeed that we often run ourselves in the ground in the process. And for what? The reasons are endless.

So how do we get out of this life of busyness and what is the alternative? How do we juggle work/life balance and still feel fulfilled and successful? I don't have all the answers but I do know that there has to be a happy medium in there somewhere.

For me it's about making choices, determining my priorities and what the end result will look like from the very beginning. What do I consider success and do I need to lower the bar just a little and stop trying to be "Superwoman". Average is good - some days! I welcome it and when I get a few extra minutes I'll try not to cram something in there and just take a few deep breaths and enjoy the moment. Now if last night is any indication of what a little silence and free time will do to me then I have a long road to travel but I'm working on it!

But seriously, we need to slow down and take inventory of all that we are involved in as women, moms and families and start putting some boundaries around our time spent running to and fro and start building those relationships that won't feel so awkward when the busyness comes to a halt and we realize that it's just us or them and appreciate that time for what it is. After all tomorrow isn't promised to any of us and what will it matter how busy we were versus how much time and energy we invested in building the relationships that mean the most in our lives.

Prom 2011

The dress, the shoes, the jewelry, the hair, the nails and where to eat. Who will drive, how late can we stay out and do you really have to know all the details. Cough, cough, a cloud of hair spray fills the bathroom, the smell of fingernail polish remover permeates the air and she wonders why she needs her inhaler. Safety pins, lotion, perfume, pocketbook, keys and don't forget the tickets and some money and out the door they go. My daughter and her BFF. Off to the prom. Her first and a sentimental milestone for me.

She had a great time. Lots of fun and memories to be shared for years to come and we get to do this all over again next year. Happy, happy, joy, joy, one of the things I so love about parenthood... the opportunity to re-live your life again vicariously through your kids.

Back to school

Today is the first “official” day of school although from my perspective it actually began two weeks ago at registration when we received our first cluster of homework. I’ve spent the past two weeks cranking out papers and reading nightly to be prepared for tonight. I’ve researched laptops as I need one exclusively for myself for school and the software needed. I’ve ordered books, learned that renting is definitely cheaper than buying and that you can get books electronically as well as hard copy.

It has been a flurry of busyness and I’ve enjoyed most of it. Every now and then fear has crept into the picture and I’ve had to squash it by reminding myself that I am not doing this alone. That God and I are on this journey and it will be all that He has designed it to be. I thought I’d be more apprehensive today but find that my level of excitement is increasing as the appointed time draws nearer. I’m thrilled at the prospect of meeting the teacher, my classmates and bonding over the next two days of class. I’m not even grumbling about having to give up my weekend to get started.

While I know I am prepared physically, I am praying daily for wisdom, knowledge and understanding so that I can absorb all that will be conveyed in a short period of time. Please pray for those things with me as I know that the prayers of others often carry me during my weakest moments and for that I am grateful.

Have a wonderfully blessed weekend.

Back in stride again

I have missed writing. It seems like the hole in the dam got plugged and I couldn’t get it unstuck. So many thoughts swirling around in my head but I was unable to put them down on paper. It has been a busy time for us with the kids at school, activities on the weekends and living life daily. Work has really picked up and even consumed my evenings for a while there but those projects have come to an end and things are getting back to normal just in time for school to start. For the most part we have all been healthy; a few colds, coughs, and ear infections but nothing of major proportion. The flu skipped us on its second go round and for that we are thankful. The girls are growing by leaps and bounds. Inches up and out almost like plants they are growing with the seasons. Sprouting up in the spring just like my tulips in the front yard. I love the weather minus all the pollen and what it does to my allergies but the beauty that surrounds us is unparalleled. Bright pinks, yellows and oranges dot the neighborhood and the trees are blossoming white, pink and green. Spring has sprung and the temperatures are rising daily; almost a little too quickly. I’d love to have several weeks of the 70s before we start edging our way up to the 80s and 90s. Spring break is next week and this year the kids are really excited about it although we have no concrete plans for the time they are out. I will take a day or two off of work and spend time with them doing things locally but for the most part we’ll stay within the general vicinity of the house. I would like to take a trip down to the beach to see my grandmother but I’m not sure how that will pan out. We’ll play that one by ear. Gas prices have definitely put a damper on straying too far away from home although a visit is way overdue by my standards. I hope this is the beginning of being able to write again although my time is about to be consumed even more after this weekend doing homework and reading to prepare for class but I am at peace with it all and will take it one day at a time.

Merry Go Round

Why won't the words come? I'm trying to get my thoughts together but nothing is meshing right now. I'm being pulled in so many directions at this moment that I don't know which way is up.

People coming out of the woodwork stirring up memories of days long forgotten. Scabs being ripped off of wounds thought to be healed. Emotions running the gamut. My brain is working overtime trying to juggle it all.

Scared to stop for fear of what space I'll land on so I just keep spinning and I waiting for something to give.

It's a wrap

2010 is coming to a close and as I review the year I can honestly say it has been a bittersweet year. I lost a few people this year that caused me to stop in my tracks and take a time out to handle the weight of it all. I gained some people that have been a true blessing to my life and I've shed a few toxic people that were constantly dragging me down no matter what I did.

Overall it was a year filled with many life lessons, blessings, and promises of better things to come. I had a sabbatical that allowed me to work through some issues, reconcile myself to certain things that will always be my "thorn" as Paul so eloquently called his trial and purge my past from having control of my present and my future. My counseling is continuing to progress. I am doing well and things at home are going ok. My emotions aren’t running high and low like before. They are now on a even keel fluctuating ever so slightly depending on the events of the day but not out of control. I’ve pretty much stayed at a level place but am still struggling to find time in my busyness to write and release.

This was the first holiday season in several years that I haven’t stressed obsessively over money, the kids, and my family. I just accepted my limitations to do what I wanted for everyone and did what I could. In the end this turned into one of the best holidays we had because of it. It felt good to not have this great expectation hanging over my head but to look at things realistically and acknowledge that certain things weren’t going to happen. We enjoyed each other’s company, celebrating the birth of Christ and focusing in on giving not receiving. The kids were great and have enjoyed their time off from school but they are ready to go back now. I’m excited for the New Year and all the possibilities it holds. No resolutions this year but goals and dreams that are realistic and achievable. I didn’t go overboard and I’m not striving for perfection just forward progress.

I wish you all a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year!

Let the count down begin

In 3 weeks my kids will be back in school! In 21 days they will be back in school. That is 504 hours or 30,240 minutes and if you really want to get technical in 1,814,400 seconds I will put the last child on the bus for school. Whew! Can ya'll see me doing the happy dance while tears are streaming down my face?! All of my kids will be in school. No more babies at home. Freedom!!! It's been a long time coming but it's just around the corner and I can hardly contain my excitement.

Now before you all burst into applause or start hating me because my home is finally empty during the day let's put this in perspective. There is a downside to all of this but I had to put the upside out there first.

I will have 4 kids in one school. You do the math when it comes to the first few days of paperwork times 4. And can I tell you what a nightmare that will be for back to school night, parent teacher conferences and a whole assortment of school activities? They will be in kindergarten, 1, 2 and 5th grade and each one is a milestone in itself so you can't discount one or the other. The really funny thing is that I have had a kid in this elementary school for 14 years. I've seen the staff come and go with the exception of the administrative assistant who has been there since the school was built and outlasted 4 different principals. I know the routine better than they do and we've become fixtures there. They know us and usually by the end of the school year they know our kids.

So over the next 3 weeks I will be packing backpacks, sorting through clothes, getting them back on their school schedule for getting up and going to bed and revving up the review of school work from last year so that they can hit the ground running and I can walk out the door smiling.

I thrive in a world of organization and order and I don't have to tell you that the summertime is anything but that. So yes, I'm happy that the time is winding down and life will soon get back to "normal" for us but I am saddened because my baby is heading off to school and thus closes another chapter in the book but also optimistic about this new phase our life is about to take because I know He has more good things in store for us as we continue to walk out this journey.

Change

The definition is of change is: to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to transform or convert.

I feel several different ways about change. They contradict each other but they are true nonetheless.

Change is good. It brings about lots of new opportunities; exciting adventures, growth and/or transformation into something greater than what you are.

I embrace change and look for it every where I go. As a type A personality change is paramount in my life because I’m always looking for ways to go from good, to better, to best in my quest for perfectionism.

On the other hand, change is hard, it’s scary and I run from it. Life is just fine the way it is so why do things have to change?

Change leaves me feeling lost, discombobulated and totally out of control. I know control is a perception and not a reality but change shatters that perception and I don’t like that.

My life has been fraught with change for the past 9 years. Some good, some bad, some necessary and some too painful to put into words, but change nonetheless.

I can’t say that I want things to go back the way they were but sometimes I long for things to slow down and stay the same just so I can catch my breath. Right now I feel as if my world is spinning out of control at the speed of sound and if it doesn’t stop soon and let me off I’m going to lose my cookies.

The past six weeks have been surreal. I woke up one day, went to work, got a call to come to the hospital and nothing has been the same since then. For 6 days we kept a bedside vigil for the shell of a man that would never have the opportunity to speak to us and impart his wisdom again. We disconnected life support and 20 minutes later my dad died. Not only did he die but a piece of each of us went with him. The most frustrating part of this is that we don’t know why and might never have an answer. We had a week to prepare for the funeral and there was a lot to be done including living our lives which most of us did on automatic pilot. Four weeks ago we put his body to rest in the family cemetery, had a repast at the church and friends and family went home, back to their lives and we were left to do the same except we can’t because life as we knew it doesn’t exist any longer.

Change had landed on my doorstep once again; uninvited, unwelcome and so very unfairly.

Yet I know that this change is meant to stretch me and take me to the next level. Greater dependence and trust in God. Instead of calling my dad each morning I will have to call on God. When I have something weighing heavy on me I can’t call the farm and get the voice of wisdom on all things in the earthly realm I’ll have to retreat to my quiet place and lay it all at the Master’s feet and allow him to minister to my soul, my ear gates and my eye gates. When I need comfort and solace or a swift kick in the rear to get me off my pity pot I’ll have to turn to God who will provide the necessary remedy and just when I think I can’t take anymore He will lift me up and carry me through until I am strong enough to stand again on my own just as He has done time and time again. I know these things, I trust these things but I still resist the changes that take place in my life that bring me back full circle into the arms of the one who is never changing and thankfully so.

Eleven days ago I experienced another change. A life affirming change that has been three years in the making. I attended the She Speaks! Conference in North Carolina hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries. It was a wonderful event. 600 women for all across the United States and Canada together for 2 full days of fellowship, teaching, training and change. I went from wondering to confirmation, from feeling out of place to feeling like I finally belonged. I felt an overwhelming rush of emotions that can only come from the Holy Spirit ministering to your soul and I felt release, healing and awakening. It was revealing and refreshing. I was renewed and inspired. It was a blessed time. I made new friends and reconnected with old ones and look forward to seeing how they will grow from here. The changes that took place this time around were the kind that challenge you to grow, to become, to do something a little different from what you normally would. It's the kind of change that beckons at you emotionally and spiritually. It's a call to change your life and live it to your God given potential.

It made me think about something I read by John Maxwell in his book "Thinking for a Change: 11 Ways Highly Successful People Approach Life and Work."

Thinking for a Change

1. Changing your thinking, changes your beliefs.

2. Changing your beliefs, changes your expectations.

3. Changing your expectations, changes your attitude

4. Changing your attitude, changes your behaviour.

5. When I change my behavior, I change my performance.

6. When I change my performance, I change my LIFE!

This is the kind of change I like. It's full of hope, it's full of promise but it is also dependent on me. So if nothing changes, nothing changes and the fault therein lies with me.

I don't like change, I like things to stay the same and I'm glad that my Heavenly Father is the unchangeable thing in my life.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8 (NLT)

I like knowing that no matter what I do or don't do that I have his unconditional love as a constant but when/if I do step out and make a change that puts me in tune to what He desires for my life I like knowing that there is a whole other world awaiting me. I can only imagine what blessings, adventures, and experiences that he desires for my life to have when I change my thinking, my beliefs, my expectations, my attitude, my behavior and my performance from my way to His way.

"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2 (NLT)

A boxing match called life

It is a test of skill and will power. Sometimes the strongest man doesn't win but the smartest one does. The one who plans, strategizes and changes the plan to accommodate the strengths and weaknesses of his opponent. It's not always about the physical but the mental acumen of the fighter. If you can get inside your opponents head you can out smart, out wit or out fight them.

You have to become a master at the art of ducking, bobbing, and weaving to stay ahead of your opponent and then you have to implement the art of jabbing, upper cutting and landing those body shots that will wear your opponent out.

Our opponents in life are just like the opponents the fighter faces in the ring. Ever changing, shifting and in it for the long haul. From the ringing of the first bell (birth) to the ding of the final bell (death) it is a fight. We struggle with the first breath we take and at death there is a momentary struggle before it's sweet release. Along the way, somewhere between Rounds 1 - 12 we learn to master the art of offense and defense; the bobbing, weaving, jabbing and counter attacking.

But our fight is not our own. "...This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." (2 Chronicles 20:15)

Our opponent is not unknown to us either. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12)

His mission has been spelled out for all to understand and so has the plan to defeat him and the prize. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

99 Things I Ought To Have Done

This was too cute not to do. It was a great way to see that I've done a lot more with my life than I originally thought.

Instructions: Copy the list, bold the ones you've done (with explanations if needed), share with friends.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (I drove up to the gates and took picture for my kids when I went to FL for business :-) Seriously, I have a great fear of going there. All those kids...
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm (the first 21 years of my life I hid under my bed or in a closet, when I became a parent I "got over" my fear)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon (I will run my first marathon on March 27, 2010)
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language (does pig-Latin count???)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance (car accident 2007)
47. Had your portrait painted (if those caricatures count)
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (my big toes will never be the same)
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle (I used to consider this better than sex then I met my husband...)
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life (does it count if you were the one doing the killing but changed your mind???)
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

A Pleasant Surprise

Two days, two and 1/2 hours, 249 pages and I am at the end of a book that has stirred me in a way I haven't been stirred in a long time. It left me grateful that I read it. It gave me a sense of peace and enlightenment that I have been searching for but not quite finding.

I am left feeling thoughtful. My soul has been pricked and my mind is racing to capture the emotions that seem to escape words. If only you could feel what I'm feeling, search through my mind and my thoughts maybe you could understand although I'm not sure I do. I just know I have been touched, changed, given a little glimpse into something I asked about many years ago.

I don't think you can read it and not feel an impact on your life. I don't think you can push it aside or shut the door that it opens to the possibilities in your life or the notion that you've been going about it all wrong or doing it for the wrong reasons. That the quest is not in the answers but in how you handle the questions, the path or the hand that you have been dealt.

Have a little faith by Mitch Albom was the book I read during my forays to Barnes & Noble with my husband this week. I have read several of his books over the years and enjoyed them and the movies that came from them. Tuesdays with Morrie and 5 People You Meet in Heaven were my favorites, that is, until this one. It is a great read, a great lesson, a great story. If you let it, it will open up a place in you that you didn't know existed.

I have faith and at times it is as small as a mustard seed and others as large as the highest mountain depending on the circumstances.

I have a deep faith that there is a God, that Jesus is the Christ, my Lord and Savior and it is only through Him that we can return to the Father. I believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of God and even though I don't understand all of it I can bear witness to the times when it has spoken volumes in my life, been my compass in the wilderness and a soothing balm to my wounded soul.

Reading this book about these three men and the journey their lives have taken them on has made me look at faith - particularly my faith, in a whole new way. I have a greater appreciation for it; for how I was raised and what it instilled in me. I can look at my flaws and faults and see them as something more than they were - things to be hidden and ashamed of. Now they are lessons in God's unfailing love, 2nd, 3rd, even 4th chances at life and doing it better or giving back.

Tomorrow is not promised. Have I given my best today?

Crossroad, Fork or Crosswalk?

December 31 is my last day on the job. My tenure here will come to a close as we have downsized our Richmond office and moved our headquarters to Charlotte, NC. My position, as executive assistant to the CEO, is no longer necessary since the CEO is no longer in Richmond. I'd like to think that I accepted the news graciously and professionally considering they dragged their feet in telling us. We knew that the downsizing was coming but not everyone who lost their job knew that their position was being eliminated. A lot of people's feelings were hurt and I saw sides to people I wished could have stayed hidden. In the end it was almost like survival of the meanest.

My heart has been sorely distressed at the actions of my co-workers as they clamored, clawed and back-bit to retain their positions. I was caught in a tug of war, without my knowledge, and strung along until I said enough; just tell me the truth and let me move on. Don't take the last three years and toss them in the trash because you just don't know how to come out with it.

It is an unspoken secret that I am leaving but not one for public consumption so the phone calls still come in and I have to pass them off to the new executive assistant unless she happens to be out, then I get to handle it.

The transition from Queen B to "low man on the totem pole" has been very humbling. The way my co-workers treat me now has caused my feelings to be hurt on more than one occasion. To literally sit for eight hours and be ignored is very difficult to take, as you watch everyone around you go about their daily routine and you are stuck in limbo. Some days I am extremely busy though, as I perform tasks delegated down from on high that no one else wants or feels like isn't their job to do. I have had to swallow my pride, smile and submit myself to the tasks because that is what Jesus would do.

God did not create in me a spirit of one-upmanship. I never want to succeed in life by standing on another person's head or climbing over their back. I don't believe that "anything goes." Let my work ethic, my morals and integrity speak for me. Not my popularity, my ability to brown-nose or submit myself to acts that leave a bitter taste in my mouth or the inability to look myself in the mirror each day. So to that end, I am grateful to be leaving but it has been a lesson from God I won't soon forget.

Now I am trying to figure out where I am and what is next. Am I at a crossroad, a fork or a crosswalk? I haven't come up with anything yet, but I have been petitioning God for an answer. Hence, the reality check from the questions asked in my earlier post.

Dictionary.com defines these three words as follows:

Crossroad: The place where roads intersect. A point at which a vital decision must be made. A main center of activity.

Fork: To divide into branches. To turn as indicated.

Crosswalk: A path marked off on a street to indicate where pedestrians should cross.

What do you think?

Yes, I am at a point where a vital decision has to be made - where do I look for another job? Do I stay in the field I've been in or is this the time for me to branch out to another area where my passion lies; or is this a path that will lead me from one side of the street to the other?

It's kind of exciting but a little disconcerting at the same time. I KNOW that God has a plan for my life. I KNOW that He has it worked out. I don't like not knowing or not being involved in the process of working it out though. That is a bitter pill to swallow. Surrendering my life totally unto Him like that is so very hard because I am a VERY independent person. I have worked hard all of my life to take care of me and mine. I take my responsibilities to heart and so I am struggling with my inability to move left or right, to cross over or apply in this arena or that until I hear from God.

My thoughts are centered on how will my bills get paid? How will we eat? What about insurance? What am I going to do with all this time on my hands? I am not very good at being still or idle. I dread it and would subject myself to a root canal rather than not have my life planned out each day from beginning to end.

He is stretching me far beyond anything I could have imagined. When I prayed to Him, Lord here am I, use me, shape me, mold me and have your way with me I didn't think that it would have the effects it is having. I meant those words, still do and still pray them daily but it sure does bring new meaning to be careful what you pray for. It will be difficult to walk this out, to sit back and wait on the Lord. I am already chomping at the bit and I still have until the 31st to be here at my job. But I will trust in the Lord and wait on him as instructed in Psalms 27, 37 & 40 and Isaiah 30:18-21 because He is my source, my strength, my all and more than anything I want to go and do what it is He has predestined for me.

I finally want to do it right and stop doing it my way and having to pay for the mistakes I make by not inquiring of Him before I make a move, say a thing or do a thing.

So in the end, I guess it doesn't matter whether it is a crossroad, a fork or a crosswalk. What matters is what He chooses for it to be and for me to be obedient to whatever it turns out to be.

A prompting from the Spirit.

Last week I had training at church for our Helps Ministry organization and it was one of the most spirit filled moments of my week. I met some truly amazing saints and had a wonderful time in His presence as He ministered to us during our meeting. We shared testimonies, tears, joy and had a praise and worship service to rival anything we experience on Wednesday's or Sunday's except it was much more intimate and personal to each of us.

He met us right where we were and filled each of us with what we were in need of; some of us needed comfort, peace, and love. Other's needed assurance of His presence and a Word that touched us to our very core letting us know that He has it all under control and is working it out; and all of us needed his goodness and mercy to carry us through the rest of that evening.

What really amazed me was that He used me to facilitate these results. My heart leaps with joy to think that I could be an instrument in His hands to carry out such an assignment. I had no idea that the promptings that kept my stomach and heart all aflutter would provoke everyone to open up and receive what He had to pour out into us that evening. I marvel at how he uses the "least of these" (me) to do his work.

I arrived a few minutes late and quickly got absorbed in what was being taught. I gained a great deal of wisdom from our teacher's impartation and felt blessed to be among them. As we were closing, the prompting to speak what was on my heart increased until I was sure everyone could hear the thudding in my chest and see the tears welling up in my eyes. I kept my head down at first and just started talking. Out spewed words I had no idea were there and they just continued until I stopped and the next one started and so on and so forth until each one of us had had our turn to open up and release several times over. It was so awesome to witness and be a partaker of all at the same time.

There is much going on in the world today that causes us to feel overwhelmed, deeply saddened and lost; even if we know Christ, because we are human and tend to go with our feelings and not with the Spirit that dwells within.

The Word says that when we release our cares on Him and take up His yoke, our burdens go from our shoulders onto His and our load is lessened. "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:30)

I know to some it sounds crazy but for the believers, the witnesses to this miracle, the transfer of our burdens to Christs' is one of the greatest blessings we can experience - letting go and letting God have our cares is freeing. To "cast our cares upon the Lord" allows Him to have his way in our lives and move in ways we can't fathom. "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Yet time and time again as quickly as we release them we scoop them back up and become heavy laden and burdened all over again. It has been a cycle in my life that is starting to shorten in length. Meaning, I'm not holding on to things as long but releasing them quicker and benefiting from the freedom that comes from not being weighed down under the weight of the problems in my life.

But, there is still much work that needs to be done in me. I am very much a work in progress but I am choosing daily to surrender myself unto Him. Opening myself up to follow His promptings and going where He leads me even if it is out of my comfort zone and into the unknown for I trust Him and believe in His Word. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Sweet 16

Sweet 16 and never been kissed. How many years ago did this phrase come about? 20, 30, 40 perhaps even 50 years? How many years ago did it stop being true? 30 for sure. It was a saying when I turned 16 but it wasn't a truth. At 16 I had been kissed. My first kiss came at 12 or 13 when we played spin the bottle at a friends house. I thought it was gross and that I would get cooties for sure but I wasn't going to be left out of the fun that the bigger kids were having so I went along with it.

Two weeks ago my baby girl turned Sweet 16 and I feel blessed and honored to say she has never been kissed. I'm not bragging about it because I know all too often that had the opportunities presented themselves we would be having a different conversation; but she has led what a majority of the world would consider a sheltered life. I call it a protected one. She is not naive. She is not "sheltered" nor would be considered to "not have a clue" but she has been restricted/limited in her activities, in her friendships and her relationships with her peers. She learned about "the birds and the bees" at 12 years old from ME, not the school. After school made their pitch we talked about it again and we continue to have these conversations every 60 days or so much to her chagrin.

In fact, I still talk to my 23 year old son about safe sex, abstinence, responsibility and respect of the opposite sex because I feel it is my responsibility to continue to foster these characteristics and moral ideals in their life.

My daughter has grown up with the knowledge that she would not be allowed to date until she turned 16. That she would not be dropped off at the mall, the movies or a friend's house if I haven't met the parents. She has been allowed to go out in groups but I was shadowing her in the background and she knew it. I watched her interact with her friends and I watched her friends and how they acted towards her and themselves. I want and have prayed for her to have good friends, and to make good choices but I also understand that peer pressure is a heavy thing and that in any given situation the overwhelming feeling of rebellion or defeat can come over you and you give in to a moment that could carry consequences that could last you a lifetime. I wasn't a saint nor am I now but I wish I had had more guidance, more knowledge and a much more realistic relationship with my mother when I was growing up.

I never had the talk about "sex". Not even after my older sister got pregnant at 15. I never learned that boys would tell me anything they could to get what they wanted. I never knew that something could hurt so bad, feel so good and carry such grave consequences or that it was a tool that both men and women use to get what they want.

So when I had children I promised that I would try to do for them the things I wished I had done for me when I was growing up, including having "unrealistic, nerdy morals" taught to them that I felt would have made me and the choices I made in my life less hurtful than they were. I have no regrets because the hardships have made me into who I am today but I want more for them and in order for that to happen I have to give them a higher/firmer foundation than I had.

So now she is 16 and well, to be honest, nothing has really changed. She still isn't dating, she doesn't go out on her own, I don't and won't drop her off at the mall or movies and leave her there but it's because she doesn't want me to because she's not ready. That is truly a blessing to me. I feel that God has given me a little bit more time to continue to mold her into what He wants her to be. A little bit more time to help her find herself, love herself unconditionally and trust herself to stand up for what she believes is right for herself and not do what it is that the "status quo" is doing.

I will cherish these next few months and I will take the time, as I did this Saturday, to have that one on one time to have a quick 15-minute conversation about "being true to yourself" that I came across while reading Tony Dungy's book "Uncommon - Finding your path to significance." I will cherish the Sunday afternoon's she comes to my room, lays across the bed and talks to me about nonsense or watches me as I type out my blog entries and questions my thoughts, my feeling and why I am how I am. I will cherish that I am her mother, that she respects my authority even when she doesn't like it and that she doesn't think that her life is all that bad although it's not all that she would like for it to be. I will cherish the days like today when she all by herself chooses to walk to the front of the church and rededicate herself to God because she feels like it is what she wants to do and that she didn't feel the need to discuss it with me because she's growing up and coming into her own.

And every morning when I rise to have my quiet time with God I will praise Him and thank Him for her, these moments and the fact that He blessed me with her for this time in my life. I will continue to petition on her behalf for godly friends, for divine knowledge, inspiration, understanding and protection, as is my divine duty, and I will release her back to Him so that He can continue to mold and shape her into that very thing that He began when she was yet in my womb for she is "wonderfully and fearfully" made by His glorious hands.

Sucker Punched

I received an email last night that left me tortured in my sleep and a complete basket case today.

Wounds I thought healed have been ripped open. Forgiveness I extended has been yanked back and buried.

I am a mother bear on the brink. I am speechless and thoughtless. Angry and embittered. My soul is on fire and literally my mind cannot even begin to comprehend how I'm supposed to break the news to my child/children.

My ex-husband and I have four children together. We have sole custody of one and he adopted the other three. So for the 6.5 years of her existence this child has known him as "Daddy" and at some point during this custody/visitation battle he has decided that he doesn't want her to be included in his visitation with the other kids because he's only her legal guardian, not her father. I was informed last night that he wants overnight visits with "3 special young ladies" and the "court appointed guardian" for the children is in agreement with this. WTH!!!

To say that her life has not been easy is an understatement. She has big issues, attachment disorder, is in counseling at our expense because its out of network and we struggle with her on a daily basis as we try to help her become the best she can be in spite of all the setbacks she has had in her life and now I have to hand her one of the most devastating ones of all. Rejection from a parent.

My soul empathizes and sympathizes with her because I have been there and have struggled with that rejection for most of my life. To this day there are times when it still looms larger than life and renders me breathless and that's after years of counseling, resolution to a relationship I can't change and acceptance of what I could get verses what I want much less needed.

This could potentially tear the children apart as there will be resentment at being left behind, jealousy over what activities take place during the visits and taunting which is part of life especially between siblings. It has the potential to create greater aggression and hostility in this child that no amount of love and counseling can abate.

To say that we have been dealt a low blow is an understatement. Again I must say that our justice system at times is a joke. No true thought goes into what is in the best interest of the children only what suits the parents.

In regards to the parents - well, I think there ought to be a special place in hell for the "parents" that use their kids as pawns in relationships; that disregard the responsibility they have been given when they agree to bring a life into this world and then walk out on that life, abuse them or worse reject them at a whim.

God help me because right now there are no words from man that can calm the raging waves threatening to overflow out of me.

My Better Half, My Soul Mate - Tony

I've had a few requests to spill the beans so I guess it's time to reveal the person behind the mega watt smile on my face, the extra (much needed) weight, the difference in my attitude and the new name.


I never wanted or anticipated another man entering my life. I'd spent the last two years of my life climbing out of a hell pit and was as broken as humpty dumpty. I was busy living my life and trying to put the pieces back together again.


I was taking care of the kids, working, and when I found the time trying to help others who were going through what I had gone through myself all the while believing that God had allowed me to go through this for a reason that would one day be revealed to me and it was. He allowed me to be broken so that he could mold me and build me back up. To be a strong woman/help mate to someone who he had hand picked for me but I had no idea existed.



Before the recession I traveled for work pretty frequently. I had been to this particular venue three times and I had never seen him before until the last visit. But I didn't really see him then, he saw me and as they say, "that was the end of that." We talked, talked and talked some more; and when I left I remember "feeling" (yes, I felt something!!!) let down, sad and curious at the same time. As I drove back to Richmond I couldn't remember what he looked like but I could remember every conversation we had.




Over the course of a few months we talked about everything and anything. I do mean EVERYTHING. I threw it all out there. The good, the bad and yes, the ugly parts of my life. I tried every tactic I knew to scare this guy off, the kids, the ex-husband, the abuse, the anger, frustration, bitterness and hatred that was bottled up in my heart and yet he was still here. I let him meet the kids and see what life was really like and yes, he was still there. After a while I couldn't imagine him not being there, listening, talking to me, calming me down and helping to glue the pieces back together one by one. He was with me in spirit when he wasn't there physically and we burned up the phones and our fingers texting messages day and night.



He's nothing like what I would have imagined for myself. I wouldn't have sought him out and I certainly don't understand the connection other than to say that it is deeper than any I've had besides the one with my dad. First off, he puts God first in his life, which is an absolute must for me. He's younger... thank goodness because he has to have a lot of energy to keep up with the kids and me. He's a thinker, a dreamer and a planner. He takes very good care of me - better care than I take of myself. He puts my needs above his which I can't fathom and forces me to stop, relax and listen to my body and what it needs.



He takes excellent care of the kids and has been a stabilizing factor in their lives. He's made our house a home and us a family once again that is healing together. He has taught the girls to read, write, add and subtract and given them the individual attention they have each needed to succeed in school this year. Both the babies are ready for kindergarten but only one gets to go in the fall. She is well ahead of the curve and could easily go into first grade.



We laugh, play, go places and have fun. We work together as a family to do the chores around the house. We have a plan and our life is filled with purpose again. Everything isn't perfect, we still have our issues but he takes it in stride, standing firmly by my side, giving me the support that I need to overcome whatever obstacle is before me.



He supports me and my crazy work schedule often wearing multiple hats; cook, maid, taxi driver, gardener, auto mechanic, contractor, etc. He's multi-talented, laid back and down to earth. I haven't laughed this much in years and I'm learning to relax and enjoy life like I never have before. He's not perfect but neither am I and he doesn't hold it against me. I get mad, have my moments and take him through the ringer as I continue this healing process and in return he loves me through it all.



He knows my thoughts, my feelings and emotions sometimes better than I do. When I need space, he gives me space and when I say I do but I don't he has a feel for that too. He's seen me cry, wiped my snotty nose and quieted my nightmares and fears in the middle of the night all without complaint. He teases, picks and is determined to make me lighten up in my old age. But most of all I know without a doubt that he loves ME - all of me, inside and out. Warts, wrinkles, gray hair, flat feet and aching bones. It doesn't matter.



We compliment each other. And just as it was ordained in the bible, where I am weak, he is strong and vice versa. We fit together like "peas and carrots". He's my ying and I'm his yang. Together we have become one. And I love this man - bald head, chicken legs, goofy grin and all. He completes me.



Bottom line...I'm happy!!! Incredibly blessed and looking to the future with great joy and anticipation of what God has in store for us.