Friendship

“Friends are the flowers in the garden of life. Beginning with a seed of trust, nurtured with laughter and tears, growing into loyalty and love.”

Navigating the minefield of friendship has always been a hardship for me. I’ve had friends come and go through the years and some friendships that have lasted since grade school, but I have never truly learned how to grow my circle of friends. As time has gone by it seems to have shrunk instead of increased. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for those that continue to be in my life although I wonder at times what I’ve done to deserve their loyalty.

I am true to my Virgo nature, once a friend always a friend - loyal to the end, unless the trust is broken and then the intricate threads that wove us together wither and break. While we still remain friends it is never to the extent we once were. I have a thing about trust; real deep-seated trust. Over the years I realize that I’ve grown cynical and isolated instead of outgoing and engaging in activities that would lead me to make new connections and now I find myself lost and at times alone.

My view of women and friendship has evolved from someone to hang out and go partying with to someone you share aspects of your life with and support each other through the different seasons you encounter in your life’s journey.

Not one to bog anyone down with my issues I’ve pretty much just held it all in and expressed what was just beneath the surface but nothing with any real depth to it for fear of rejection or abandonment. I always felt like I was supposed to be there for them but that my life had to be pretty close to perfect in order for things to work.

I never really realized until much later in life (like now…) that it is a give and take and that I have to share with them just as much as they share with me. Not wanting to be pushy or clingy I could go several weeks without calling or talking to my friends but devour the details of their lives when we did catch up while divulging very little of my own. Eager to please and ready to help at the drop of a hat but emotionally aloof is how I would define myself. And yet I know that there is more to friendship than this.

I pray that I will learn to reach out more often, to share more deeply, to trust implicitly and forgive as I have been forgiven for the slightest offenses that would normally send me retreating in an effort to preserve myself.

May He send me a circle of friends that will embrace my nuances and help me to break down the walls of isolation and allow me to blossom under their tutelage as I strive to be a better friend. May the friendships I do have flourish to even greater depths and may they know that I love them deeply, cherish them always and want nothing but the best for them today and always.

“A friend loves at all times…” Proverbs 17:17

Failure to launch

I started out reading my daily devotional here at Proverbs 31 which then led me to here to Lysa’s blog and reading that led me back to my space.

I felt I needed to express my emotions after reading such simple yet profound truths because they were spilling out of me like popcorn in a popper.

I have tons of unmet needs. More than I care to admit sometimes and most of them are of my own doing. God is not withholding anything from me but I am withholding myself from him and in doing so there is not the opportunity for him to minister to me and bless me like he would like to according to his word. I have never doubted the existence of God or of Jesus Christ but boy have I doubted my worthiness of their time, attention and gosh forbid - blessings.

Despite all of my attempts to disassociate myself from him I have been blessed. He has lavished me with blessings daily. As I awake to see another glorious day no matter how difficult it is to make it through said day in my heart I still consider it a blessing.

I have a house full of wonderful kids that I am blessed to call my own even when I feel that I’ve failed them on so many fronts as we go through this journey of life together because God trusted me enough to allow these angels to be given to me when no one else would have them.

And yet I doubt, I pull, I run, I duck and I dodge him and all else that he has to impart into my life.

My unmet needs are from failure to launch. I’ve made it to the dock where the boat is tied but I’ve yet to get in said boat, untie it and let the sail up to make the journey. Fear has me paralyzed. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success and fear in general. I could list a thousand reasons why and still not be any closer to launching my vessel into the waters of trust.

So deep inside of me is a hurting individual that just can’t pull the rope to let loose of the dock. There is so much at stake here and I’m not sure I can handle it all. So I continue to stand there looking in earnest wanting so very much to get in the boat - heck at this point I’d settle for sitting on the dock and putting my feet in the water but I don’t know how.

All I see are the failures in my life from the choices I have made. All I hear are the whispers in my head of how worthless I am because of said choices and failures and all I feel is dread because I have taken those thoughts and feelings and made them my truths.

My trust doesn’t lie in God but in myself. I trust myself to mess it up or by happenstance get it right but in the end the fault all lies with me and there is comfort in that knowing that I am to blame for my issues and not God. The God whom I love and have on a pedestal so high I’ll never be able to reach Him if I live a thousand years. For he represents all that is good and worthy and I feel I represent all that is bad or ugly.

To say that I’ve done a number on myself would be an understatement at this point. I’m so far gone into this way of thinking and feeling that anything else seems foreign. Yet as I read, as I grow, as I continue to try and edify myself with his word I feel something new – a longing to be a part of what He has destined for me but I don’t know how to get it.

So today I write this and consider it a step in the right direction – a toe in the water if you will, swishing back and forth, back and forth and hopefully that will lead to something else; perhaps a seat on the dock?

I am hopeful, yet hesitant but not totally discouraged.

Welcome Baby Nivea!

Welcome to the world little one. There is so much for you to see and learn. I can hardly contain the joy I feel in my heart over your birth. You have so many people that are excited to have you here; that want to love on you and see you succeed in this life. We are blessed to have you as part of our family. Thank you for choosing us!

Bring what you have

The responses for sponsorship to the She Speaks! conference in July have been good. I'm truly humbled by those that have offered to assist in raising the money needed to attend this conference. I approached this assignment with much fear and trepidation because it has never been easy for me to ask for help. I have always preferred to be the one giving it. However, I knew that the only way I could make this journey would be to step out on faith, put it out there and let it reach the masses. It was my time to offer other's the opportunity to sow into something so much greater than I, His Kingdom. I know that this is His will for my life and the opportunity is now. I have to be obedient to His call.

The one common thread in every one's response has been. "I don't have much, but I will send what I can."

These words have pricked the deepest recesses of my heart for I know how it feels to want to do something but felt that what little I had to offer couldn't make a difference and so I did nothing at all which led to me feeling even worse because of my lack of action. I must tell you that nothing could be further from the truth.

The God we serve is an awesome God and nothing is impossible for our God according to his word.

"For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37(NIV)

Jesus replied, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." Luke 18:27(NIV)

Our God parted the Red Sea, saved Daniel in the lions den, healed the lepers and raised Lazarus from the dead. He blessed the widows oil to fill all the vessels and not run out.

If he could do all of that for them then why can't he take what little you have to offer me and not bless it to be what it needs to be? I know that He can and He will.

Karen Ehman of Proverbs 31 broke it down in this devotional in such a way that put it into perspective for me. I have linked her blog to this so you can read the entire devotional but this piece was what stirred things up for me.

'"How many loaves do you have?' he asked. 'Go and see.' When they found out, they said, 'Five—and two fish.'" Mark 6:38 (NIV)

In Mark 6:35-44, Jesus performs the miracle of feeding the 5000 men. The disciples told Him that they didn't have enough to feed the crowd. They were ready to give up. I love the question that He asks them in our verse today: "Well, what do you have? Go and see." When they turned over what they did have to Him, He was able to multiply it beyond what they could have imagined.

So many times I come to Him and say the same: "I just have this little tiny bit...of money, of time, of resources, of energy."

And He says, "Bring what you have to me. That's all I ask. Let me take care of it from here."

So I ask what little you might have to give? You might not be able to give $1000. But you could give $10. You might not be able to pledge hours and hours to serve at church. But you can serve once a month for one hour. You might not feel comfortable speaking to crowds. But you're great at sharing what God's doing in your life one-on-one. You might not be able to lead a prayer ministry. But you can pray for a friend who needs it, even if it seems like you're too late.

Let God take your little and make it much.

http://www.proverbs31.org/speakingministry/speakerteam/MaryBethWhalen.php

Thank you for your little. I am watching Him make it much!

God bless.

The Job

I am in a new job, surrounded by new people who don’t know me or my capabilities. At times it is a little unsettling. This job is a step up but also a step back at the same time and that has also left me at a loss. I remember asking for a job that gave me more money but less work and God blessed me with that, but I am miserable.

I have two of the greatest bosses in the world but my work load is almost nil in comparison to what I have been used to. I have gone from supporting 8 or 9 people to supporting two. As the new kid on the block, there are not a lot of places for me to go and get more work until people get used to me and are made more aware of my skills. I have tried to hawk my services all over the floor and the response has been sparse. This is someone’s dream come true but certainly not mine.

In the past, I have always been the Queen B at work with my hands in lots of pots but that is not the case here. Although my bosses are head of 4 key divisions within our organization we are structured so that this truly is corporate headquarters and we push the papers but the plants do the work. With what little paperwork they do generate I can only push it around a certain number of times before I have to put it away and then what?

I also believe in an honest days work for my money so sitting and reading books or surfing the web are not an option. So what is a girl to do besides looking out the window at the river and watching the hands on the clock tick by?

Flash forward to this past week -- I found our training site. I'm now taking classes from the company's elearning website which makes the time go faster and I don't feel guilty about learning new things that will enhance my abilities at work and beyond.

I've learned a couple of lessons with this job. First, be careful what you ask for because you just might get it!!! Second, God truly is in control and has a plan. You just have to be patient and let Him reveal it in his own way and in His own time. And finally, there is more than one way to look at things. What may not look like a blessing could truly be one if you just look beyond what you're used to. I believe we call it "thinking outside the box."

Why Not Me?

After training last week I stayed behind and talked with Sam, our facilitator, and we had what I would call a life changing conversation. It started out easy going, casual and natural. We talked about her life, her challenges, work, dreams, etc. and then we started discussing my life and that's when it got real personal and uncomfortable for me really fast.

Her questions were thought provoking, soul stirring and made me want to put my hands over my ears and start saying "lalalalala, I can't hear you." Seriously, I wanted to turn away from them. They weren't mean spirited or meant to hurt. They were made to provoke me into thought and then action, of this I am sure. It would put me outside of my comfort zone; cause me to have to view myself, my life, my thoughts, dreams and desires in a different light. It would mean giving up the safety of my "infanthood - crawling" and step into my "adulthood - walking" with Christ on a whole new level. 1 Corinthians 13:10-12

It would require me to break out of the box, shut down the negative thoughts or no thought mentality and start viewing and thinking of things from a different perspective. I know the scriptures, I know the truth but I've never tried to apply it to me because I never thought of myself as worthy. My hopes, dreams and desires are mostly centered on things for others. That is how I get joy - serving, being behind the scenes and watch and pushing others to excel and reach for their dreams, hopes and desires.

So what could she have asked that caused such a stir you say? I'm glad you asked. She asked me:

1. Why Not Me? Meaning why couldn't great, wonderful, supernatural blessings happen in my life. Why would they?

2. What are the desires of your heart??? Desires, what are desires? I had to look it up to make sure I was understanding what she was asking. Desire - seeking something to make you a better Christian. The longing in your heart that you are willing to commit unto God's will to receive or achieve it. Wow!

3. Why shouldn't you have hopes, dreams and desires bigger than you can imagine? Because I'm not worthy; I think small, dream small and live small because that is all I know.

4. Why shouldn't you expect God to bless you abundantly above and beyond anything you can comprehend or be able to receive? Again my own personal belief of worthiness and because it has never happened to the extent that I could attribute it to God abundantly blessing me. There have been times when things have happened and I thanked Him for the blessing but at the same time it was rationalized out as to how I came about receiving it. I've never had something given to me on a great magnitude that was one of those things that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was a supernatural blessing.

5. Why do you allow yourself to think small and remain limited in your blessings? I've never been taught how to think big. My mind has never been exposed to open, limitless thinking. I am driven by order and organization.

6. Where do you see yourself 5 or 10 years from now? Honestly, I don't know. My by the book answer would be "Wherever He wants me to be." But I don't have any specifics to put to that question.

Then she challenged me to have a heart to heart conversation with God and ask Him the following questions:

1. God, who am I in you?

2. Who are you developing me into?

3. God, show me who I am, reveal to me that person - introduce me to myself!

4. Lord, how do you want me to move forward?

5. Where do you want me to go?

6. What do you want me to do?

As I have been working through this conversation the following scriptures have been given to me. There seems to be the recurring theme of faith and belief.

I have faith and I believe but I don't think I have used the two in tandem. I can believe for others but have rarely believed for myself and my faith too has also been predicated on things for others (my children, extended family, friends, etc.). The majority of my prayers have been petitions and intercessions for others with little thought to self. In some ways this saddens me to think that I have put so little of myself out there.

That conversation led me to the knowledge that I have a great deal of work to do to be able to answer those questions in a way that is satisfactory to myself much less my Heavenly Father. But I desire to do so; therefore, I am putting myself out there to work on changing my thought pattern, to opening myself up to believe some things for myself and have faith that they shall come to pass.

Bishop told us that when we speak the Word, we are speaking life into a situation predicated on our faith. That God's words are spirit and life. John 6:63

I believe that and know it to be true yet have not spoken life in to my own world. Life and death are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) and it is as though by not speaking I have allowed death, stagnation and nothingness permeate my world.

Amazing what is revealed in a conversation so small and unexpected yet I know that God orchestrated that moment and the revelations that have flowed from that conversation just as He created me in my mother's womb and allowed me to be born at such a time as this. (Psalms 139:13-16)

"Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them." Mark 11:24

"Delight yourself also in the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37:4-5

"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarded of those who diligently seek Him. Hebrews 11:6

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;" "And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6 & 4:19

"...faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God." Romans 10:17

A prompting from the Spirit.

Last week I had training at church for our Helps Ministry organization and it was one of the most spirit filled moments of my week. I met some truly amazing saints and had a wonderful time in His presence as He ministered to us during our meeting. We shared testimonies, tears, joy and had a praise and worship service to rival anything we experience on Wednesday's or Sunday's except it was much more intimate and personal to each of us.

He met us right where we were and filled each of us with what we were in need of; some of us needed comfort, peace, and love. Other's needed assurance of His presence and a Word that touched us to our very core letting us know that He has it all under control and is working it out; and all of us needed his goodness and mercy to carry us through the rest of that evening.

What really amazed me was that He used me to facilitate these results. My heart leaps with joy to think that I could be an instrument in His hands to carry out such an assignment. I had no idea that the promptings that kept my stomach and heart all aflutter would provoke everyone to open up and receive what He had to pour out into us that evening. I marvel at how he uses the "least of these" (me) to do his work.

I arrived a few minutes late and quickly got absorbed in what was being taught. I gained a great deal of wisdom from our teacher's impartation and felt blessed to be among them. As we were closing, the prompting to speak what was on my heart increased until I was sure everyone could hear the thudding in my chest and see the tears welling up in my eyes. I kept my head down at first and just started talking. Out spewed words I had no idea were there and they just continued until I stopped and the next one started and so on and so forth until each one of us had had our turn to open up and release several times over. It was so awesome to witness and be a partaker of all at the same time.

There is much going on in the world today that causes us to feel overwhelmed, deeply saddened and lost; even if we know Christ, because we are human and tend to go with our feelings and not with the Spirit that dwells within.

The Word says that when we release our cares on Him and take up His yoke, our burdens go from our shoulders onto His and our load is lessened. "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:30)

I know to some it sounds crazy but for the believers, the witnesses to this miracle, the transfer of our burdens to Christs' is one of the greatest blessings we can experience - letting go and letting God have our cares is freeing. To "cast our cares upon the Lord" allows Him to have his way in our lives and move in ways we can't fathom. "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Yet time and time again as quickly as we release them we scoop them back up and become heavy laden and burdened all over again. It has been a cycle in my life that is starting to shorten in length. Meaning, I'm not holding on to things as long but releasing them quicker and benefiting from the freedom that comes from not being weighed down under the weight of the problems in my life.

But, there is still much work that needs to be done in me. I am very much a work in progress but I am choosing daily to surrender myself unto Him. Opening myself up to follow His promptings and going where He leads me even if it is out of my comfort zone and into the unknown for I trust Him and believe in His Word. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Do You Believe?

It’s a simple enough question that we could all answer with some aspect of certainty on the surface but I’m talking underneath the surface all the way down to the root.

Do you believe? Yes, I believe. Yes, I have faith albeit as small as a mustard seed at times it is there and it is what has kept me going even during the darkest periods of my life.

Do you have hope? Sometimes, I think I do but other times I’m not so sure so, not consistently.

Do you dare to dream and see it in your minds eye as a reality? No. I’m not a dreamer, I don’t give in to the possibilities of what could, should or would be. My imagination shut down a long time ago and the door has rusted shut. I don’t think beyond the end of my nose or outside of my comfort level (what I feel I deserve and can earn/get for myself – not what can be gained through favor or supernatural blessings) and although I have faith and believe in miracles, they happen to other people, not me.

Yet, I would be a fool if I failed to see what has been laid out before me time and time again including tonight and didn’t begin to have a greater measure of faith mixed with the possibility of hope and anticipation shaken together with a level of expectancy for me, my family and our lives.

Out of the mouth of two or three witnesses… Joyce Meyer, the Bishop, the Word of God – I can’t dispute it, there has to be more to it and I need to start tapping into it. My life should have consistency and expectancy – if the slightest thing changes give God the praise. I need to let joy come over me and thank God for the joy instead of trying to outrun it.

My earlier post was published before I went to bible study tonight and was the response to a note from a friend. This post comes after bible study and is prompted by the message tonight entitled “Faith is a Process”.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

“So then, faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.” Romans 10:17

Focus on what you want so that you can be blessed. So I have to ask myself: “What am I believing God for?” Is it something that will allow Him to get the glory? Once I figure it out I should then know in my spirit that I have the faith to receive it. I need to get excited about what is being created in the spiritual realm: I should keep it before me (picture it, write it down, speak it out, believe and receive it and above all else praise Him throughout the process).

Rise up and believe God for something – focus, focus, focus.

“Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.” Psalms 1:1-2

Meditate on it, look at it from every angle. Meditate on it and look at it from every angle and believe it for the glory of God!!!

It's time for me to have hope, to dare to dream, meditate on it, let it get down in my spirit, start to believe it for my life and to believe that with God ALL things are possible.

Still riding high

It's been over three weeks and the feelings, the thoughts, and the blessings are still flowing from the weekend conference I had the privilege to serve at. I attended a Joyce Meyer conference at the Hampton Coliseum on Thursday, Friday & Saturday and volunteered to serve as an usher. Never in my life have I had such an experience. There were 100 strangers from every walk of life in a room with a heart to serve that weekend. There was such a strong spirit everywhere around that coliseum that you couldn't help but be touched. We worked side by side as if we had been doing it all of our lives. It was a sight to see.

Each session was better than the previous one, as if that could be true. The crowds were bigger, hungrier and thirstier for the Word than I've experienced in a long time. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting so many people with so many different stories. It was very humbling. Not once did I have the opportunity to dwell on my life, my worries or concerns. I was totally focused on everything that was going on around me and wanting to be the best I could be and yes, I wanted the Word just as much as those in attendance. I wanted reassurance, direction, guidance. I wanted to rejoice during the praise and worship portion of the service and release all the bottled up emotions. I just wanted something, anything that wasn't the same old routine, day in and day out. I wanted to give back to Him for all He had been giving to me these past three years without anything in return from me.

I went to serve and in turn I was blessed tremendously in ways I never anticipated. I arrived a tired, broken creature being eaten up alive inside with unforgiveness, guilt, anger, bitterness, rage and frustration but when I left I had been set free. The knot that had resided in my chest for the past three years was gone. It's was as if it had literally evaporated into ashes. The bile that would rise up at the mere thought of my ex-husband wasn't there. I felt like a new person inside and out. It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders, the bricks on my feet were gone, the ball and chain that I dragged everywhere I went had been released and the craziest part of it all was that I hadn't done anything to make it happen.

The doors open 2 hours before the conference and we are immediately swarmed with people trying to find a seat.

Angela and I were on the same team. I was truly blessed by her spirit. We found that although our lives are very different our struggles were still the same but we both serve the same God and found great comfort in being able to share that and know that He has it all under control.

Angela and a couple more volunteer ushers in our group.

Day one when we were assigned our sections. I was just trying out the seats to see how comfortable they would be. I might have some cushion back there, but it wasn't enough to spare me from the pain of sitting in them for two hours.