Dancing with Death

Death is defined as the end of the life of a person; the act or fact of dying or being killed.

For me it symbolizes freedom.

I fight a very real monster every day called death. He lures me into his intimate little sphere on a daily basis. He taunts and teases me. I run to him, desperately trying to catch him only to be thwarted each morning as I rise to another new and glorious day. Yes I know that sounds crazy. But it is my reality. At night when I go to sleep I long for it to be the end of a very long and hard journey. I look for death in my sleep and hope that each night will be the night that I catch up to him and will no longer wake to the sun shining through my window.

For those that know me you know that is an oxymoron because I am the consummate morning person. The first one awake and ready to tackle the day but what you don’t know is the disappointment or pain that accompanies that joy in the dawning of a new day.

Death has courted me for much of my life. I became aware of it at the age of eight and have shared this dance with it every day since that time. I look for it in the oddest places and even seek it without realizing it like a moth to a flame but time and time again I have been cheated out of my date.

I don’t fear death. I long for it. I don’t know what’s on the other side and at times I really don’t care. What I do see is an escape from this life and all the hurts and pains it has heaped on me during my forty-seven years of existence. Not that it has been any more hurtful for me than any other person but somehow in my mind death became a goal for me, a desire just as strong as a junkie’s search for his next fix. I court it on a continuous basis and when it gets close the high is so tangible I swear I’m walking on clouds only to land back on earth with a thud and an attitude.

As my relationship with God deepens I know that I am here until such a time as He is ready to call me back home but that doesn’t stop the desire, the longing and the daily struggle to overcome and win the battle.

You see it’s not about when I want to die but about God and the higher purpose He has for my life. He has snatched me out of numerous occasions when it was imminent and I could almost reach out and touch it only to say “not now my child”. Leaving me hurt, angry and confused as to why I had to live with the desire to not be here yet driven to make the most of my life while I am here.

As Paul had his thorn so I have mine.

FREE

I have had one of the best weeks of my life this week. The only way to describe it is FREE. The millstone that has weighed me down for my entire life has been cut from my neck. This whole week has been one filled with confirmation after confirmation from scriptures, music, devotionals and notes from friends and family. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life that care about me and support me, but my greatest blessings come from God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. They have ministered to me this week through the Word in ways I never thought possible. It’s like the blinders were lifted and verses I’ve read time and time again now have new meaning. All those scriptures I have hidden up in my heart are being released unto me and giving me great hope, joy and understanding of everything that has transpired in my life.

I found this week, through my prayer and study time, that I have a great love for my mother; much deeper than I would have imagined. The love I have for her is the love of Christ, which is a love that releases her from the burden of fulfilling me in ways that she cannot. This is a love that transcends our fleshy selves but focuses on the spiritual being in each of us. It’s not about her approval, her love or her acceptance. It is a love for the woman that gave birth to me. Although there were times when I was ok with the thought of not being here, I am grateful for the life she gave me. It is the love that allows forgiveness for hurts real and imagined; for shortcomings and ignorance. It is a love that we should have for each other when we accept Christ into our lives and proclaim Him to be our Lord and Savior. The second greatest command that He gave us “…You shall love your neighbor as yourself…” Mark 12:31 (KJV)

This week I discovered that I am free to live my life and walk out the destiny God has for me instead of seeking for something I was never destined to find or have from the world. I now understand the scripture “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” in Matthew 6:33 (KJV) in a way I couldn’t have before. I have been looking to my mother for her approval, her love and her acceptance when all along I should have been looking to God first. He will provide all those things to me: love, approval, acceptance and peace indescribable peace when I follow His Word. I have walked in this blessing all week.

One of my devotionals this week also reaffirmed to me that I have been putting too much emphasis on the relationship with my mother and helped me keep the focus on where my priorities should be. Mary Welchel of the Christian Working Woman had this life lesson in her transcripts for Wednesday at www.thechristianworkingwoman.org. I have highlighted the words that resounded in my ears as I heard it on the radio and leapt off the page as I read them.

Life Lesson #5: Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
You know, I often remind myself that people aren't thinking about me nearly as much as I think they're thinking about me! Isn't it true that we often put ourselves under unnecessary stress by just taking ourselves too seriously! We worry about what others will think of us and that can become an obsession. What others think about you is not your business, so let it go!

Here's the secret: Make it your passion to care very much about what God thinks about you. Pray daily that God will grow you into the mature Christian he wants you to be. Let God's Word reveal areas in your life that need changing, and then by God's grace, work on them. Care very much about what God thinks about you.

But stop worrying about what others think about you. Stop imagining what they're thinking or saying. First of all, you'll never please everyone, no matter how hard you try. And secondly, have you ever thought about how wrong it is to care more about what other people think of you than you do about what God thinks about you? Remember, it's not all about you; it's all about God and what he wants to do with your life. So, don't take yourself so seriously.

Also this week I listened to my worship music and found great peace and solace at the words I heard from Kirk Franklin, CeCe Winans, Toby Mac, Mandisa, Marvin Sapp, Youth for Christ, J Moss, James Fortune & Fyre and many more.

The greatest joy came when I shouted the words to “Imagine Me” with Kirk Franklin, especially the chorus “Gone, gone, all gone, all my scars, pain; in the past. What your mother did, what your father did, gone, gone, all gone.” And it is… All gone. Everything that I held against her, all the hurt, all the pain, all the scars, gone. I am FREE.

Thank you Lord for I am free.

Free at last, free at last, Lord God Almighty, I am free at last!

The ties that bind

Who or what ties you down? Everyone has something or someone in their life that continually holds them back or ties them down thus keeping them from being all they can be or excelling to heights even beyond their greatest dreams and desires. Some people refer to them as "dream killers", "peace stealer's" or "negative influences". Get the picture? This is not a new phenomenon. This goes back to biblical times.

God instructed in Genesis 2:24 "Therefore a man should leave his father and mother and be joined with his wife, and they shall become one flesh." This was so that they could establish a family of their own without influence. He later instructed Abram in Genesis 12:1-4 to get out of his country, leave his family and go to another land so that he could bless him. Only Abram took Lot with him and in Genesis 13 it tells us that as time went on there became dissension among Lot and Abram's tribes and God had to separate them. Lot took what he thought to be the better land and Abram took the lesser but his land was blessed by God and he prospered greatly but not before leaving behind the contention, the family, and the dream killers.

I am feeling a lot like Abram, I have finally heard the voice of wisdom and am leaving behind the dream killers, the "haters", the nay sayers and the opinionated ones who can tell everyone what they need to be doing while their own lives are all jacked up this way and that. So this is a shout out to them all to say good-bye, farewell and good riddance, in some instances.

If you call my number and I don't answer after repeated attempts then the right answer would be no, I'm probably not that busy, I just don't want to talk to you anymore. If you send me repeated emails and I don't reply, again, I'm probably not that busy but I don't want to talk to you anymore and if you are bold enough to show up to my house uninvited I will probably be bold enough to say to you, "I wish you well, the best that God has for you but you are not what or who I need in my life at this time" or in modern slang "It's been real but you gotta go!"

The sad thing is that these people know who they are. They have been doing this their whole life and nothing has changed. They have always thought they could say or do whatever they want and haven't had too many people put up a stop sign and say enough is enough so they continue to do it. But for me after years of hearing them tell me what, when, how and with whom I should do be doing it, or how to raise my kids when you didn't raise your own, haven't had any of your own and never will because it didn't fit your lifestyle but you are still struggling in your own world don't you think you need to focus on your home, your own stuff, YOURSELF instead of regurgitating your life experiences both good and bad on others and trying to keep us as miserable as you obviously are?

Let me put it to you another way. If you start a conversation, voicemail or email with the words "I don't mean..." then don't start, don't leave a message, don't send the email and don't look me in the face and continue to talk. Those words should be your cue to examine yourself, your motives and ask yourself if what you are saying has any merit. Are you speaking out of love? Genuine concern for me and mine? Or is it jealousy, maliciousness or busybodiness? Is it true? Is it backed by scripture and tried and true worldly experience (and NO you are not worldly)?

If it is about my household and you don't know what I make, what my plans and goals are don't tell me what I should be doing or how I should be doing it. If it is about my kids, if you don't know EVERYTHING there is to know about the situation, the counseling sessions, physical, emotional and psychological details of the people involved and the context in which you are offering your opinion - DON'T.

If it's about my husband, marriage or job. Step very lightly. First examine your own spouse - if you are NOT married LEAVE IT ALONE; your own marriage - if you are divorced - DON'T go there and your own affairs at work - if you don't have a job, are retired or have never held my position - silence is golden. If you feel you can then come to me and pass judgement, advice or make a comment I suggest you pray about it first, find me a scripture reference that puts it in the right light and bring it on. Otherwise keep on keeping on.

And God forbid it be about your son, daughter, sister, brother, best friend's girlfriend, keep it to yourself because I don't want or need that gossip crossing my ear gates and messing up my flow with God.

Now with all that said please know that I will hold myself to the same standards so if I don't talk to you about your life, your kids, your husband, job or pet without your direct request to do so, it's not that I don't care but I probably don't have much to offer you by way of general conversation so it's best to say nothing at all.

Do know that I love you and am keeping you and yours lifted up in prayer but I'm in the process of cleaning my temple, my house, my heart and mind and in order to successfully do this I have to have a clean heart, a sound mind and let all the minutia go.

I will not be held down, beaten down or stripped of what is mine by the careless tongue of another. What God has for me is mine and I will not let the enemy come in and destroy me or mine any longer. I'm taking no prisoners and I'm not giving another inch while losing a mile in the process. So my wish for you is to walk in love and go in peace and I will do the same.

Still riding high

It's been over three weeks and the feelings, the thoughts, and the blessings are still flowing from the weekend conference I had the privilege to serve at. I attended a Joyce Meyer conference at the Hampton Coliseum on Thursday, Friday & Saturday and volunteered to serve as an usher. Never in my life have I had such an experience. There were 100 strangers from every walk of life in a room with a heart to serve that weekend. There was such a strong spirit everywhere around that coliseum that you couldn't help but be touched. We worked side by side as if we had been doing it all of our lives. It was a sight to see.

Each session was better than the previous one, as if that could be true. The crowds were bigger, hungrier and thirstier for the Word than I've experienced in a long time. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting so many people with so many different stories. It was very humbling. Not once did I have the opportunity to dwell on my life, my worries or concerns. I was totally focused on everything that was going on around me and wanting to be the best I could be and yes, I wanted the Word just as much as those in attendance. I wanted reassurance, direction, guidance. I wanted to rejoice during the praise and worship portion of the service and release all the bottled up emotions. I just wanted something, anything that wasn't the same old routine, day in and day out. I wanted to give back to Him for all He had been giving to me these past three years without anything in return from me.

I went to serve and in turn I was blessed tremendously in ways I never anticipated. I arrived a tired, broken creature being eaten up alive inside with unforgiveness, guilt, anger, bitterness, rage and frustration but when I left I had been set free. The knot that had resided in my chest for the past three years was gone. It's was as if it had literally evaporated into ashes. The bile that would rise up at the mere thought of my ex-husband wasn't there. I felt like a new person inside and out. It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders, the bricks on my feet were gone, the ball and chain that I dragged everywhere I went had been released and the craziest part of it all was that I hadn't done anything to make it happen.

The doors open 2 hours before the conference and we are immediately swarmed with people trying to find a seat.

Angela and I were on the same team. I was truly blessed by her spirit. We found that although our lives are very different our struggles were still the same but we both serve the same God and found great comfort in being able to share that and know that He has it all under control.

Angela and a couple more volunteer ushers in our group.

Day one when we were assigned our sections. I was just trying out the seats to see how comfortable they would be. I might have some cushion back there, but it wasn't enough to spare me from the pain of sitting in them for two hours.