Lent

As Lent winds down there is time to reflect on what this season has meant to me this time around. I've been reading off and on and when I have there have been great insights to be found in His Word. I am thankful that I started reading again and asked for my spirit to be open and receptive to the Words that I was reading. My prayers have been answered. He's such a sweet and loving God and I am thankful that I know this.

My biggest take away from this Lent season is forgiveness. There is no condemnation from God for my sins. I am forgiven wholly, fully and completely. Nothing I do can separate me from Him and I am thankful for that knowledge and finally being able to accept it. I have let it marinate in my spirit and sink into this hard head of mine over these past few weeks and it has put me in a better mindset. That's not to say I won't have to be reminded of that time and time again but the rudimentary knowledge is finally there. My heart is full because of this wonderful gift and all that Christ endured on my behalf to have it.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you^[a] free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,^[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. (Romans 8:1-3)

If leaving me is easy

It wasn't like I intentionally walked away but I got so caught up in life and what was happening and one thing led to another and before I knew it I was a couple of miles down the road.

Instead of turning around and heading back in the direction I came I kept going forward thinking that there was no reason for me to go back after all I had come this far what was the use in trying to change things.

Now I find myself wanting to go back but I've gone so far I don't know that I can. I know it's me that did the leaving but now it's me that wants to also do the coming back but I don't know how. It's not like I can show up on his doorstep, ring the bell and say "Hi, it's me and I'd like to come home." How easy that would be.

Although there is forgiveness to be found the road of repentance will not be an easy one but I want to go back home into the comfort and safety of His arms.

Music speaks the words I can't seem to find for myself. This song by Phil Collins tells how I feel in my relationship with Heavenly Father right now. Coming back is harder especially when you didn't know you had left.

I read all the letters
I read each word that you've sent to me
And though it's past now and the words start to fade
All the memories I have still remain

I've kept all the pictures but I hide my feelings so no one knows
Oh sure my friends all come round but I'm in a crowd on my own
It's 'cause you're gone now but your heart, heart still remains
And it'll be here if you come again

You see I'd heard the rumours, I knew before you let me know
But I didn't believe it, not you, no you would not let me go
Seems I was wrong but I love, I love you the same
And that's the one thing that you can't take away but just remember

If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder

If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder
If leaving me is easy
Then you know coming back is harder

Reconnecting

I've reconnected with a couple of friends since restarting my blogging efforts and am pleased to say I have had lunch with two and a visit with another. It has done my heart a world of good to be in the company of these women.

I am having lunch on Saturday with another friend and can't wait to get fed the food my soul has been clamoring for as she is so full of wisdom and usually it is from God's mouth to her lips and into my ears.

I'm just sorry its taken me this long to get it together and reach out to them and say something. Although several friends have moved on I am ok with it. In some instances I understand and even if I don't it doesn't really matter. If I allow myself to get all caught up in the whys of the situations I will just drive myself crazy and since I'm already there I figure I'll leave that one alone.

I was hurt to lose one very special friend but I know that she had a lot going on in her life when I took my hiatus away from everyone and I also allowed my guilt about another situation keep me from reaching out. I have learned that I should just go ahead and put myself out there; after all, the worse that could happen is that we go our separate ways but at least I would have done the right thing...

I look forward to catching up with a few more over the next couple of months now that the weather is changing and people will feel better about getting on the road and taking short trips to share a little food, a lot of conversation and love with one another.

Reconnecting is a wonderful thing and I am blessed to be able to have done it before it was too late.

Isolation

I have been in isolation this past year and it’s been my own doing. I didn’t intentionally isolate myself but I let my circumstances lead to it. Once again I’ve allowed myself to be ruled by what others think rather than my own thoughts and feelings. I got so caught up in being the perfect wife, the dutiful daughter, the role model for my kids, and the faithful friend, that I forgot that I am human and as such will stumble and fall from time to time myself and that’s ok. Somehow the superwoman complex had become my uniform and I have been wearing it proudly. That big S stretched out across my chest, hands on my hips as I floated two feet above ground just high enough to see over everyone’s head except my own.

In so doing, I left myself wide open for the enemy to sneak in and overtake me leading me down to a point where I was so caught up in everyone and everything else I didn’t think of me and my needs. My relationship with the One who knows all and could have steered me clear from the rocks I was about to crash into had all but ceased to exist and so crash did I ever. I forgot whose I was and who I was. Lost was the confidence to move forward and take care of me. All I could do was make it day by day for those around me that needed me and if you didn’t that was fine too.

I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities and shortsightedness that I didn’t think to reach out to see if you were ok because I was not. Pride reared its ugly head and knocked on the door and I let it in with all of its baggage of insecurity, loss, hurt, misunderstanding and denial. They came in, unpacked and settled in for the long haul. I was too down to resist and had no one to step in and say enough of this let’s get you out of here. So we became roommates of a sort and started a really great relationship. With my head down I plowed forward and just maintained everything as best I could. If it didn’t need me I let it go and soon I was down to just me because I let go of everyone else and with life these days we are all busy and so it was easy to fall off of people’s radar because life goes one with or without you.

Besides I was Superwoman and no one thought that there was anything wrong because I wore that S with so much pride. Inside though was another story and still remains that way. I am clawing my way back to myself; to a point where I am putting my needs first and allowing myself to have a say in my own life. I have a desire to plant my feet on the ground and reestablish a relationship with my Savior that is stronger than the one I let go.

I’m reaching out to my friends I pulled away from and saying I missed you, I need you, I want to make time for our relationship because it is important to me and I am praying that He will send new friends to replace the ones that chose not to extend the hand of forgiveness or if their season has passed and they are no longer part of His plan for my life. I want to be surrounded by warriors of faith that have experienced their own battles and have overcome with grace and mercy and are willing to share and impart their stories and wisdom into me so that I too may benefit from the lessons they have learned. I want to form a circle of friends that will lift me up in prayer daily and speak those words that I yet cannot utter and when I get to that place that I can I will do the same for them.

Will you join me?

My Fabulous 5

By yourself you’re unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped. Ecclesiastes 4:12 (MSG)

In my devotional today by Melissa Taylor of Proverbs 31 Ministries she talked about Christian friendship and it’s foundation. This prompted me to review my friendships and see if they are founded on Christ and as it turns out I too have 5 fabulous friends that have been there for me in Christian love and friendship.

A friendship grounded in Christ is made up of 5 qualities that make the friendship solid. When a relationship is grounded in Christ, a new level of intimacy is achieved. We know what we say to each other is in Christian love, so we can say just about anything without fear of judgment or abandonment.

1. Love – we love each other unfailingly, the way Christ loves us. A true friend loves you even when you are unlovable.

I have been blessed to have friends who came to me at different stages in my life. One has been there all my life. She’s my sister but over the years she has become my friend. Although we have times when we disagree on things the love of Christ and family brings us back to each other. Another has hung in there with me since high school and although our lives have taken us on two separate paths it has always brought us back full circle as we have reached out to each other for love, support and accountability in our lives and relationships. The last three ladies came to me during the worse period of my life and when I could not do for myself or those in my care they stepped up and did what needed to be done but most of all they just loved on me until I could get myself back to accepting Christ’s love for myself.

2. Encouragement – we intentionally try to build each other up. I want these ladies to know I believe in them.

I love to encourage them and be encouraged by them. It’s like having your own little cheering team as you go through the challenges of life. I know that if I need a little kick in the butt to get me jump started with a little love mixed in that all I need to do is call on them. I love to let them know what they mean to me and how they have encouraged me in my life. They in turn encourage me when I am down and feeling as if I’m not making a difference. Their sphere of influence has been monumental to me as I’ve gone through some very challenging times while we have been friends. The greatest joy has come from knowing that they are just a phone call away night or day and I will have all the encouragement I needed and then some.

3. Forgiveness – forgiveness requires a loving heart and a lot of nerve. The Lord does not keep a record of our sins, and neither should we. Everyone needs forgiveness at some point.

Oh how true these words are because a misspoken word, a forgotten date, task or request can easily cause unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment. So often in friendships the forgiveness factor is a big thing over very little things. It is so very essential to keep it Christ centered. It is hard to have a friendship when another is harboring unforgiveness against the other(s). The ability for us to say “I’m sorry” and be greeted with a hug is huge. The fact that we trust each other enough to say my feelings have been hurt or I didn’t like it when you said or did x, y, or z is a true testament of Christ working on the inside of each of us. So often we are self-absorbed and don’t often pay attention to our words and the affects they have on those around us but in this friendship I feel that we do and our forgiveness is quick and sincere.

4. Accountability – we love each other enough to be real before each other. This is HARD! To give accountability you need to be honest, bold, available, and authentic. To receive it, you need to be humble, open and approachable. Not everyone wants accountability, but we all need it. In our group, we ask for accountability in certain areas of our lives.

We don’t seem to have a problem with this. In fact we look to each other as barometers on our “walking with God scale”. Whether spoken of in the group or individually we have each held the other accountable in loving actions and words. It is very HARD to approach someone and say “Hey you, you’re messing up at _________, and I’m a little worried but that’s when the love of Christ through the Holy Spirit takes over and lets it be received with the love and care it was said in. I want to know if I’m doing wrong in all aspects of my life. I may not like what they say but I receive it and when the time is right adjust things accordingly but what is really cool is that it never has to be confrontational it usually comes out during a conversation and indirectly pricks our heart for thought and prayer later to have the trueness of the words spoken revealed to us. Depression, guilt, dependence on a substance and how we are treating ourselves, our families and our spouses are not off limits. I for one welcome the probing of “what’s going on?” “Something’s not right,” because before I can answer them I have to acknowledge what is taking place within myself or my life and sometimes that is the first glimpse that I’ve gone astray and before I’ve gone to far I can turn things back around.

5. Service – I don’t know what I would do without the service these ladies have provided me with at key times in my life; meals, housecleaning, taking care of kids, a listening ear. Their service is love in action.

This is the area that my friends excel in. Service to me and my family is no light task. I have the most and neediest children out of the bunch. These women have loved them like their own as they have bathed, fed, read and tucked them in. My house has been cleaned and laundry has been folded and put away while I sat helpless to assist. Their ears have been talked off, yelled into and had words flung that no one but a Christ centered friend can handle spoken at them. I can’t thank them enough for their listening ears, their selfless service and their acts of service over and above the call of friendship. They are true examples to me and I hope that one day I can be as great of a friend in service as they have been, are and will be for many more years (I hope!) to come.

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

Dis-Obedience, Un-forgiveness, Busy-ness

There are several things ruminating in my mind that I have struggled with so I just decided to put them out here just to get them out of there.

Disobedience, unforgiveness and busyness can weaken our relationship with God. I am a personal witness to this. As I've struggled with this off and on my entire life but especially in the past year or so. The busier I become the less time I have to spend with Him or in His Word. That allows disobedience to rear it's ugly head and then unforgiveness jumps on the wagon and I am so weighted down that I'm stuck and that is certainly where the enemy wants me to be. But being stuck doesn't have to last if I but come to Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit He will forgive me, and in my weakness strengthen me so that I can be used by Him so that He may get the glory as others see the changes in my life.

Disobedience provokes the following in God:

Anger - Psalm 78:10, 40 (NIV) "they did not keep God's covenant and refused to live by his law. " 40 "How often they rebelled against him in the desert and grieved him in the wasteland!"

Forfeits His favor - 1 Samuel 13:14 "But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people, because you have not kept the LORD's command." (Saul's fall from grace)

Deprived of His Promised blessings - Jeremiah 18:10 "...and if it does evil in my sight and does not obey me, then I will reconsider the good I had intended to do for it."

Brings a Curse - Deuteronomy 11:27-28 "the blessing if you obey the commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today; the curse if you disobey the commands of the LORD your God and turn from the way that I command you today by following other gods, which you have not known."

The Word gives up strict instruction on forgiveness - Matthew 26:28 This is my blood of the[a] covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.

Mark 2:5 When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven."

Mark 11:25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Luke 6:35-38;42 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ... How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Luke 7:47-48 Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."

Busyness was also an issue that the Lord had and He rebuked people because of it.

Luke 10:38-42 “Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and HEARD HIS WORD. But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him and said, LORD, doest thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? Bid her therefore that she help me. And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

Psalm 39:6 NLT "All our busy rushing ends in nothing."

Ecclesiastes 5:3 NLT "Too much activity gives you restless dreams; too many words make you a fool."

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. "

So, in other words, obedience, forgiveness and time spent daily with Him will strengthen and deepen our relationship with Him. And that is one of His greatest desires, to have an intimate relationship with us.

FREE

I have had one of the best weeks of my life this week. The only way to describe it is FREE. The millstone that has weighed me down for my entire life has been cut from my neck. This whole week has been one filled with confirmation after confirmation from scriptures, music, devotionals and notes from friends and family. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life that care about me and support me, but my greatest blessings come from God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. They have ministered to me this week through the Word in ways I never thought possible. It’s like the blinders were lifted and verses I’ve read time and time again now have new meaning. All those scriptures I have hidden up in my heart are being released unto me and giving me great hope, joy and understanding of everything that has transpired in my life.

I found this week, through my prayer and study time, that I have a great love for my mother; much deeper than I would have imagined. The love I have for her is the love of Christ, which is a love that releases her from the burden of fulfilling me in ways that she cannot. This is a love that transcends our fleshy selves but focuses on the spiritual being in each of us. It’s not about her approval, her love or her acceptance. It is a love for the woman that gave birth to me. Although there were times when I was ok with the thought of not being here, I am grateful for the life she gave me. It is the love that allows forgiveness for hurts real and imagined; for shortcomings and ignorance. It is a love that we should have for each other when we accept Christ into our lives and proclaim Him to be our Lord and Savior. The second greatest command that He gave us “…You shall love your neighbor as yourself…” Mark 12:31 (KJV)

This week I discovered that I am free to live my life and walk out the destiny God has for me instead of seeking for something I was never destined to find or have from the world. I now understand the scripture “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” in Matthew 6:33 (KJV) in a way I couldn’t have before. I have been looking to my mother for her approval, her love and her acceptance when all along I should have been looking to God first. He will provide all those things to me: love, approval, acceptance and peace indescribable peace when I follow His Word. I have walked in this blessing all week.

One of my devotionals this week also reaffirmed to me that I have been putting too much emphasis on the relationship with my mother and helped me keep the focus on where my priorities should be. Mary Welchel of the Christian Working Woman had this life lesson in her transcripts for Wednesday at www.thechristianworkingwoman.org. I have highlighted the words that resounded in my ears as I heard it on the radio and leapt off the page as I read them.

Life Lesson #5: Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
You know, I often remind myself that people aren't thinking about me nearly as much as I think they're thinking about me! Isn't it true that we often put ourselves under unnecessary stress by just taking ourselves too seriously! We worry about what others will think of us and that can become an obsession. What others think about you is not your business, so let it go!

Here's the secret: Make it your passion to care very much about what God thinks about you. Pray daily that God will grow you into the mature Christian he wants you to be. Let God's Word reveal areas in your life that need changing, and then by God's grace, work on them. Care very much about what God thinks about you.

But stop worrying about what others think about you. Stop imagining what they're thinking or saying. First of all, you'll never please everyone, no matter how hard you try. And secondly, have you ever thought about how wrong it is to care more about what other people think of you than you do about what God thinks about you? Remember, it's not all about you; it's all about God and what he wants to do with your life. So, don't take yourself so seriously.

Also this week I listened to my worship music and found great peace and solace at the words I heard from Kirk Franklin, CeCe Winans, Toby Mac, Mandisa, Marvin Sapp, Youth for Christ, J Moss, James Fortune & Fyre and many more.

The greatest joy came when I shouted the words to “Imagine Me” with Kirk Franklin, especially the chorus “Gone, gone, all gone, all my scars, pain; in the past. What your mother did, what your father did, gone, gone, all gone.” And it is… All gone. Everything that I held against her, all the hurt, all the pain, all the scars, gone. I am FREE.

Thank you Lord for I am free.

Free at last, free at last, Lord God Almighty, I am free at last!