Friendship

“Friends are the flowers in the garden of life. Beginning with a seed of trust, nurtured with laughter and tears, growing into loyalty and love.”

Navigating the minefield of friendship has always been a hardship for me. I’ve had friends come and go through the years and some friendships that have lasted since grade school, but I have never truly learned how to grow my circle of friends. As time has gone by it seems to have shrunk instead of increased. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for those that continue to be in my life although I wonder at times what I’ve done to deserve their loyalty.

I am true to my Virgo nature, once a friend always a friend - loyal to the end, unless the trust is broken and then the intricate threads that wove us together wither and break. While we still remain friends it is never to the extent we once were. I have a thing about trust; real deep-seated trust. Over the years I realize that I’ve grown cynical and isolated instead of outgoing and engaging in activities that would lead me to make new connections and now I find myself lost and at times alone.

My view of women and friendship has evolved from someone to hang out and go partying with to someone you share aspects of your life with and support each other through the different seasons you encounter in your life’s journey.

Not one to bog anyone down with my issues I’ve pretty much just held it all in and expressed what was just beneath the surface but nothing with any real depth to it for fear of rejection or abandonment. I always felt like I was supposed to be there for them but that my life had to be pretty close to perfect in order for things to work.

I never really realized until much later in life (like now…) that it is a give and take and that I have to share with them just as much as they share with me. Not wanting to be pushy or clingy I could go several weeks without calling or talking to my friends but devour the details of their lives when we did catch up while divulging very little of my own. Eager to please and ready to help at the drop of a hat but emotionally aloof is how I would define myself. And yet I know that there is more to friendship than this.

I pray that I will learn to reach out more often, to share more deeply, to trust implicitly and forgive as I have been forgiven for the slightest offenses that would normally send me retreating in an effort to preserve myself.

May He send me a circle of friends that will embrace my nuances and help me to break down the walls of isolation and allow me to blossom under their tutelage as I strive to be a better friend. May the friendships I do have flourish to even greater depths and may they know that I love them deeply, cherish them always and want nothing but the best for them today and always.

“A friend loves at all times…” Proverbs 17:17

Secrets in friendship

Lunch with a friend on Saturday was fabulous. We ate, drank, and talked for several hours. I had a ball. The shopping afterwards was really great and the time we spent working on a project she has in the works ended the day with a bang. As I made my way back to Richmond I had time to reflect on the day and how well it went but there was this nagging in my head that reminded me that it didn't really go as good as I was making out.

You see, although we talked, I kept the conversation light and easy. I didn't delve into the hard stuff that I'm dealing with and she didn't push although she could have and had that right. A couple of times I wanted to blurt some things out but I held back and that was wrong. But it was also eye opening.

I'm a master manipulator. I can manuever things so that everyone thinks their needs are being met by saying the right things but in reality I haven't really said anything at all.

No two friends of mine could sit down and tell you the same thing because they only know what I chose to tell them not necessarily the whole story or even the same part. Why?

My reasons are two-fold... One is to save myself from my fear of rejection and the second is to save them from having to carry the burden of my problem(s). See, I think I have it all worked out. If I don't tell them anything but the good stuff then life is grand. We walk away with this false sense that all is well when in reality it could be "hell in a handbasket" and secondly it keeps the friendship intact. I don't have to fear that they will be disappointed in me, that they will judge me or even yet that they will abandon me or hold me accountable because of my thoughts or my actions.

How crazy is that? Yet it is the way I've handled the majority of my friendships. Yes, I do say some things that are pertinent and pretty open but there are so many more squelched down inside waiting to come out but unable to make it past my lips. Always wanting to be the good friend, the proper lady, the upstanding citizen never could I divulge my deepest, darkest thoughts or secrets.

Besides who would want to hear them and what purpose would they serve other than purging them from my system? Could we really talk about them openly? Would you understand? Would you even be so forthcoming about your own thoughts and feelings?

I have to wonder am I the only one holding back or do others censor their friendships too?

Aren't we all good at that? Don't we have our friends that we tell certain things to but not others?

Do you censor what you say, how you say it and when you say it? I do. I did.

Reconnecting

I've reconnected with a couple of friends since restarting my blogging efforts and am pleased to say I have had lunch with two and a visit with another. It has done my heart a world of good to be in the company of these women.

I am having lunch on Saturday with another friend and can't wait to get fed the food my soul has been clamoring for as she is so full of wisdom and usually it is from God's mouth to her lips and into my ears.

I'm just sorry its taken me this long to get it together and reach out to them and say something. Although several friends have moved on I am ok with it. In some instances I understand and even if I don't it doesn't really matter. If I allow myself to get all caught up in the whys of the situations I will just drive myself crazy and since I'm already there I figure I'll leave that one alone.

I was hurt to lose one very special friend but I know that she had a lot going on in her life when I took my hiatus away from everyone and I also allowed my guilt about another situation keep me from reaching out. I have learned that I should just go ahead and put myself out there; after all, the worse that could happen is that we go our separate ways but at least I would have done the right thing...

I look forward to catching up with a few more over the next couple of months now that the weather is changing and people will feel better about getting on the road and taking short trips to share a little food, a lot of conversation and love with one another.

Reconnecting is a wonderful thing and I am blessed to be able to have done it before it was too late.

Isolation

I have been in isolation this past year and it’s been my own doing. I didn’t intentionally isolate myself but I let my circumstances lead to it. Once again I’ve allowed myself to be ruled by what others think rather than my own thoughts and feelings. I got so caught up in being the perfect wife, the dutiful daughter, the role model for my kids, and the faithful friend, that I forgot that I am human and as such will stumble and fall from time to time myself and that’s ok. Somehow the superwoman complex had become my uniform and I have been wearing it proudly. That big S stretched out across my chest, hands on my hips as I floated two feet above ground just high enough to see over everyone’s head except my own.

In so doing, I left myself wide open for the enemy to sneak in and overtake me leading me down to a point where I was so caught up in everyone and everything else I didn’t think of me and my needs. My relationship with the One who knows all and could have steered me clear from the rocks I was about to crash into had all but ceased to exist and so crash did I ever. I forgot whose I was and who I was. Lost was the confidence to move forward and take care of me. All I could do was make it day by day for those around me that needed me and if you didn’t that was fine too.

I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities and shortsightedness that I didn’t think to reach out to see if you were ok because I was not. Pride reared its ugly head and knocked on the door and I let it in with all of its baggage of insecurity, loss, hurt, misunderstanding and denial. They came in, unpacked and settled in for the long haul. I was too down to resist and had no one to step in and say enough of this let’s get you out of here. So we became roommates of a sort and started a really great relationship. With my head down I plowed forward and just maintained everything as best I could. If it didn’t need me I let it go and soon I was down to just me because I let go of everyone else and with life these days we are all busy and so it was easy to fall off of people’s radar because life goes one with or without you.

Besides I was Superwoman and no one thought that there was anything wrong because I wore that S with so much pride. Inside though was another story and still remains that way. I am clawing my way back to myself; to a point where I am putting my needs first and allowing myself to have a say in my own life. I have a desire to plant my feet on the ground and reestablish a relationship with my Savior that is stronger than the one I let go.

I’m reaching out to my friends I pulled away from and saying I missed you, I need you, I want to make time for our relationship because it is important to me and I am praying that He will send new friends to replace the ones that chose not to extend the hand of forgiveness or if their season has passed and they are no longer part of His plan for my life. I want to be surrounded by warriors of faith that have experienced their own battles and have overcome with grace and mercy and are willing to share and impart their stories and wisdom into me so that I too may benefit from the lessons they have learned. I want to form a circle of friends that will lift me up in prayer daily and speak those words that I yet cannot utter and when I get to that place that I can I will do the same for them.

Will you join me?

My Fabulous 5

By yourself you’re unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped. Ecclesiastes 4:12 (MSG)

In my devotional today by Melissa Taylor of Proverbs 31 Ministries she talked about Christian friendship and it’s foundation. This prompted me to review my friendships and see if they are founded on Christ and as it turns out I too have 5 fabulous friends that have been there for me in Christian love and friendship.

A friendship grounded in Christ is made up of 5 qualities that make the friendship solid. When a relationship is grounded in Christ, a new level of intimacy is achieved. We know what we say to each other is in Christian love, so we can say just about anything without fear of judgment or abandonment.

1. Love – we love each other unfailingly, the way Christ loves us. A true friend loves you even when you are unlovable.

I have been blessed to have friends who came to me at different stages in my life. One has been there all my life. She’s my sister but over the years she has become my friend. Although we have times when we disagree on things the love of Christ and family brings us back to each other. Another has hung in there with me since high school and although our lives have taken us on two separate paths it has always brought us back full circle as we have reached out to each other for love, support and accountability in our lives and relationships. The last three ladies came to me during the worse period of my life and when I could not do for myself or those in my care they stepped up and did what needed to be done but most of all they just loved on me until I could get myself back to accepting Christ’s love for myself.

2. Encouragement – we intentionally try to build each other up. I want these ladies to know I believe in them.

I love to encourage them and be encouraged by them. It’s like having your own little cheering team as you go through the challenges of life. I know that if I need a little kick in the butt to get me jump started with a little love mixed in that all I need to do is call on them. I love to let them know what they mean to me and how they have encouraged me in my life. They in turn encourage me when I am down and feeling as if I’m not making a difference. Their sphere of influence has been monumental to me as I’ve gone through some very challenging times while we have been friends. The greatest joy has come from knowing that they are just a phone call away night or day and I will have all the encouragement I needed and then some.

3. Forgiveness – forgiveness requires a loving heart and a lot of nerve. The Lord does not keep a record of our sins, and neither should we. Everyone needs forgiveness at some point.

Oh how true these words are because a misspoken word, a forgotten date, task or request can easily cause unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment. So often in friendships the forgiveness factor is a big thing over very little things. It is so very essential to keep it Christ centered. It is hard to have a friendship when another is harboring unforgiveness against the other(s). The ability for us to say “I’m sorry” and be greeted with a hug is huge. The fact that we trust each other enough to say my feelings have been hurt or I didn’t like it when you said or did x, y, or z is a true testament of Christ working on the inside of each of us. So often we are self-absorbed and don’t often pay attention to our words and the affects they have on those around us but in this friendship I feel that we do and our forgiveness is quick and sincere.

4. Accountability – we love each other enough to be real before each other. This is HARD! To give accountability you need to be honest, bold, available, and authentic. To receive it, you need to be humble, open and approachable. Not everyone wants accountability, but we all need it. In our group, we ask for accountability in certain areas of our lives.

We don’t seem to have a problem with this. In fact we look to each other as barometers on our “walking with God scale”. Whether spoken of in the group or individually we have each held the other accountable in loving actions and words. It is very HARD to approach someone and say “Hey you, you’re messing up at _________, and I’m a little worried but that’s when the love of Christ through the Holy Spirit takes over and lets it be received with the love and care it was said in. I want to know if I’m doing wrong in all aspects of my life. I may not like what they say but I receive it and when the time is right adjust things accordingly but what is really cool is that it never has to be confrontational it usually comes out during a conversation and indirectly pricks our heart for thought and prayer later to have the trueness of the words spoken revealed to us. Depression, guilt, dependence on a substance and how we are treating ourselves, our families and our spouses are not off limits. I for one welcome the probing of “what’s going on?” “Something’s not right,” because before I can answer them I have to acknowledge what is taking place within myself or my life and sometimes that is the first glimpse that I’ve gone astray and before I’ve gone to far I can turn things back around.

5. Service – I don’t know what I would do without the service these ladies have provided me with at key times in my life; meals, housecleaning, taking care of kids, a listening ear. Their service is love in action.

This is the area that my friends excel in. Service to me and my family is no light task. I have the most and neediest children out of the bunch. These women have loved them like their own as they have bathed, fed, read and tucked them in. My house has been cleaned and laundry has been folded and put away while I sat helpless to assist. Their ears have been talked off, yelled into and had words flung that no one but a Christ centered friend can handle spoken at them. I can’t thank them enough for their listening ears, their selfless service and their acts of service over and above the call of friendship. They are true examples to me and I hope that one day I can be as great of a friend in service as they have been, are and will be for many more years (I hope!) to come.

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13