Love?

The chorus to the song “I can’t make you love me” sung by various artists, most recently Tank, ran round my head all weekend for several reasons.

I can’t make you love me if you don’t. I can’t make your heart feel something it won’t. Here in the dark, in these final hours I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power; but you won’t. No you won’t cuz’ I can’t make you love me if you don’t.

These words say a lot about my relationships yesterday and today. They take me on a trip back down memory lane to how I’ve spent my time trying to force relationships to be all that I wanted them to be instead of accepting them for what they were and just being thankful that I got what I did instead of what I longed for to the present where I find myself once again (in a different way) wanting from someone something I can’t have but long for.

And then again it was brought to my attention as I watched my son and his girlfriend this weekend go through changes in their relationship that I can relate to. I see what they are going through and want to share the wisdom that I have accumulated over the years to help them navigate through this rough time they are going through and with a baby involved nonetheless, yet feel inadequate in my ability to do so because it is still something I continue to struggle with.

Through the years I have learned that love is more an action verb than a noun. It is not passive and it requires a lot of work. It is also a choice and when someone chooses to stop loving another individual essentially unless they change their mind there isn’t much you can do except accept their decision and pray. Pray that in time they will change their mind or that God will intercede and things will work themselves out if that is His plan for your life and that if it is not in His will that you will be free to move on from the emotions that envelope you and make you long for that which is not for you.

But being the carnal creatures that we are a lot of us will go through great lengths to coerce the other party into loving us to the detriment of ourselves and others involved. Girls end up pregnant and men stalk women and both get crazed out of their minds in an attempt to force a relationship that just isn’t there any longer and perhaps never really was. This is where you determine whether or not it was love or lust; a passing fancy or the real deal.

I have learned that love isn’t just about feelings because they do wane after a while. It should be based on a much stronger foundation. Friendship is the true basis of a loving relationship. When there is friendship first there is something to fall back on as time passes, the emotions die down and the hustle and bustle of life interjects itself into the equation.

Love is also about forgiveness and sacrifice. Sometimes we have to forgive those that we love because they will inevitably do something to hurt us intentional or not for we are all human and fall short at one time or another. Sacrifice comes into play when we have to give of ourselves and sometimes get nothing in return but that too is ok because in the end it all works itself out. I am guilty of not doing either in some of my past relationships and as a result they ceased to function and died.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing if we can take the lessons learned and bring them forward and apply them to our current and future situations. As for right now, I am torn between wanting someone to love me the way I want/need to be loved and accepting the friendship that is being offered.

Accepting the friendship is the right thing to do but the void that has been there all my life waiting to be filled will still be there. I know it is a void that only God can fill but until I heal this relationship with Him and allow it to progress to what it should be it will remain.

Funny how I know the answer; I know what needs to be done but I resist because I want what I want instead of what is the appropriate thing. There are other forces at work that make this a difficult choice. Satan knows what I’m longing for and he’s dangling it in front of me. Making me desire it more than what I really truly need (temptation) and I have to resist and be stronger than the enemy at this time.

So instead of trying to take matters into my own hands I need to look to the One that already has it worked out according to His will. Oh what a hard lesson that is to learn.

In the meantime, as these words ruminate in my mind a little while longer hopefully I will find new meaning in them instead of the sadness and longing they currently instill.

Isolation

I have been in isolation this past year and it’s been my own doing. I didn’t intentionally isolate myself but I let my circumstances lead to it. Once again I’ve allowed myself to be ruled by what others think rather than my own thoughts and feelings. I got so caught up in being the perfect wife, the dutiful daughter, the role model for my kids, and the faithful friend, that I forgot that I am human and as such will stumble and fall from time to time myself and that’s ok. Somehow the superwoman complex had become my uniform and I have been wearing it proudly. That big S stretched out across my chest, hands on my hips as I floated two feet above ground just high enough to see over everyone’s head except my own.

In so doing, I left myself wide open for the enemy to sneak in and overtake me leading me down to a point where I was so caught up in everyone and everything else I didn’t think of me and my needs. My relationship with the One who knows all and could have steered me clear from the rocks I was about to crash into had all but ceased to exist and so crash did I ever. I forgot whose I was and who I was. Lost was the confidence to move forward and take care of me. All I could do was make it day by day for those around me that needed me and if you didn’t that was fine too.

I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities and shortsightedness that I didn’t think to reach out to see if you were ok because I was not. Pride reared its ugly head and knocked on the door and I let it in with all of its baggage of insecurity, loss, hurt, misunderstanding and denial. They came in, unpacked and settled in for the long haul. I was too down to resist and had no one to step in and say enough of this let’s get you out of here. So we became roommates of a sort and started a really great relationship. With my head down I plowed forward and just maintained everything as best I could. If it didn’t need me I let it go and soon I was down to just me because I let go of everyone else and with life these days we are all busy and so it was easy to fall off of people’s radar because life goes one with or without you.

Besides I was Superwoman and no one thought that there was anything wrong because I wore that S with so much pride. Inside though was another story and still remains that way. I am clawing my way back to myself; to a point where I am putting my needs first and allowing myself to have a say in my own life. I have a desire to plant my feet on the ground and reestablish a relationship with my Savior that is stronger than the one I let go.

I’m reaching out to my friends I pulled away from and saying I missed you, I need you, I want to make time for our relationship because it is important to me and I am praying that He will send new friends to replace the ones that chose not to extend the hand of forgiveness or if their season has passed and they are no longer part of His plan for my life. I want to be surrounded by warriors of faith that have experienced their own battles and have overcome with grace and mercy and are willing to share and impart their stories and wisdom into me so that I too may benefit from the lessons they have learned. I want to form a circle of friends that will lift me up in prayer daily and speak those words that I yet cannot utter and when I get to that place that I can I will do the same for them.

Will you join me?

Heartaches Take Time

I have listened to this CD every night for the past two months as I fall asleep. I am trying to find my way back to Him. I am trying to make sense of it all. The songs and the spoken words on this CD are so awesome and inspiring that it is hard to remain stone cold as you listen to it over and over and over.

Here’s the description used on Amazon to describe the CD.

HEARTACHES TAKE TIME – Featuring Mike Shiflett & Terry Sharpe Life can change in the blink of an eye. It is during these time of heartache and crisis, when our world falls apart, and when the nights are darker than they have ever been, that we can experience God’s love in a deeper, more intimate way. Sometimes when our hearts are hurting, God speaks to us when we cannot utter a word or prayer. It is during this time that He comes to us through friends, family and strangers who care. But what happens when these caring people go home, as they should, and we are once again alone? This CD was created to be placed in the hands of someone going through heartache or needing a special time of reassurance. It acts as a reminder that we are never alone. God walks right beside us through the darkest valleys until we can reach higher ground. Whether you are experiencing the loss of someone you love, a separation or divorce, an injury, illness or addition, loss of a job or home, or receive some shocking news, these events may leave you devastated. Mike Shiflett’s strong tenor voice, accompanied by Terry Sharpe’s soothing words of comfort and hope, assures the listener that someone is praying for them as they begin a new chapter of life, traveling down a different road…a road of faith, hope and joy!

My favorite spoken word on there is the title piece “Heartaches Take Time”. I took the time to write out the words.

HEARTACHES TAKE TIME

By Mike Shiflett & Terry Sharpe

Heartaches do take time and it’s in these moments of brokenness we find ourselves hungering for healing. We’re desperately seeking meaning and direction from this pain which often leaves us feeling crushed and isolated.

I pray Gods mighty hand will offer you protection and the very angels of God will watch over you. He alone is the only one who fully understands where you are hurting; where you need healing and how to bring you hope. No one can fully recognize what you are feeling and what you are experiencing. Only you know the depth of your emotion. You own it. Your struggle right now is not to allow your heartache to own you. You have to walk into the valley, you’ve got to walk through it which means that you’re going to come out on the other side and God will be with you.

It takes healing, it takes hope and it takes time to know that you will be able to walk through it. And on days when you may feel that you can’t walk, know that it is then that God carries you. He will carry you until you have the wings to fly. When you see the dawning of a new day it is then His grace will surround you and you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that His wings of strength will protect you and his presence will be so close to you. It is then that you will be able to hear his whisper of assurance in your ear.

Often God sends godly people into our lives to give us direction and yes to walk down a different road. A road of strength, a road of hope, of new direction and a road of renewing who you are because God has created you to be uniquely you. He knows your name. He cares for you and He loves you.

I am trying to embrace those words. They are like salve on a wound but my heart and mind remain stubborn and try to blot out the feelings these words invoke. But I won’t be thwarted. I will continue to listen to this CD every night as I go to sleep and over time I know they will penetrate the dark recesses of my mind and I will know the truthfulness of it all and start the true healing and recovery process that only God can do in me.

If you know someone who is broken, hurting, lost or suffered from multiple losses this CD can soothe them and give them comfort while allowing His presence to do a mighty work on the inside of them. It’s work the cost to see the joy and peace come back into their lives.