Love?

The chorus to the song “I can’t make you love me” sung by various artists, most recently Tank, ran round my head all weekend for several reasons.

I can’t make you love me if you don’t. I can’t make your heart feel something it won’t. Here in the dark, in these final hours I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power; but you won’t. No you won’t cuz’ I can’t make you love me if you don’t.

These words say a lot about my relationships yesterday and today. They take me on a trip back down memory lane to how I’ve spent my time trying to force relationships to be all that I wanted them to be instead of accepting them for what they were and just being thankful that I got what I did instead of what I longed for to the present where I find myself once again (in a different way) wanting from someone something I can’t have but long for.

And then again it was brought to my attention as I watched my son and his girlfriend this weekend go through changes in their relationship that I can relate to. I see what they are going through and want to share the wisdom that I have accumulated over the years to help them navigate through this rough time they are going through and with a baby involved nonetheless, yet feel inadequate in my ability to do so because it is still something I continue to struggle with.

Through the years I have learned that love is more an action verb than a noun. It is not passive and it requires a lot of work. It is also a choice and when someone chooses to stop loving another individual essentially unless they change their mind there isn’t much you can do except accept their decision and pray. Pray that in time they will change their mind or that God will intercede and things will work themselves out if that is His plan for your life and that if it is not in His will that you will be free to move on from the emotions that envelope you and make you long for that which is not for you.

But being the carnal creatures that we are a lot of us will go through great lengths to coerce the other party into loving us to the detriment of ourselves and others involved. Girls end up pregnant and men stalk women and both get crazed out of their minds in an attempt to force a relationship that just isn’t there any longer and perhaps never really was. This is where you determine whether or not it was love or lust; a passing fancy or the real deal.

I have learned that love isn’t just about feelings because they do wane after a while. It should be based on a much stronger foundation. Friendship is the true basis of a loving relationship. When there is friendship first there is something to fall back on as time passes, the emotions die down and the hustle and bustle of life interjects itself into the equation.

Love is also about forgiveness and sacrifice. Sometimes we have to forgive those that we love because they will inevitably do something to hurt us intentional or not for we are all human and fall short at one time or another. Sacrifice comes into play when we have to give of ourselves and sometimes get nothing in return but that too is ok because in the end it all works itself out. I am guilty of not doing either in some of my past relationships and as a result they ceased to function and died.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing if we can take the lessons learned and bring them forward and apply them to our current and future situations. As for right now, I am torn between wanting someone to love me the way I want/need to be loved and accepting the friendship that is being offered.

Accepting the friendship is the right thing to do but the void that has been there all my life waiting to be filled will still be there. I know it is a void that only God can fill but until I heal this relationship with Him and allow it to progress to what it should be it will remain.

Funny how I know the answer; I know what needs to be done but I resist because I want what I want instead of what is the appropriate thing. There are other forces at work that make this a difficult choice. Satan knows what I’m longing for and he’s dangling it in front of me. Making me desire it more than what I really truly need (temptation) and I have to resist and be stronger than the enemy at this time.

So instead of trying to take matters into my own hands I need to look to the One that already has it worked out according to His will. Oh what a hard lesson that is to learn.

In the meantime, as these words ruminate in my mind a little while longer hopefully I will find new meaning in them instead of the sadness and longing they currently instill.

Dancing with Death

Death is defined as the end of the life of a person; the act or fact of dying or being killed.

For me it symbolizes freedom.

I fight a very real monster every day called death. He lures me into his intimate little sphere on a daily basis. He taunts and teases me. I run to him, desperately trying to catch him only to be thwarted each morning as I rise to another new and glorious day. Yes I know that sounds crazy. But it is my reality. At night when I go to sleep I long for it to be the end of a very long and hard journey. I look for death in my sleep and hope that each night will be the night that I catch up to him and will no longer wake to the sun shining through my window.

For those that know me you know that is an oxymoron because I am the consummate morning person. The first one awake and ready to tackle the day but what you don’t know is the disappointment or pain that accompanies that joy in the dawning of a new day.

Death has courted me for much of my life. I became aware of it at the age of eight and have shared this dance with it every day since that time. I look for it in the oddest places and even seek it without realizing it like a moth to a flame but time and time again I have been cheated out of my date.

I don’t fear death. I long for it. I don’t know what’s on the other side and at times I really don’t care. What I do see is an escape from this life and all the hurts and pains it has heaped on me during my forty-seven years of existence. Not that it has been any more hurtful for me than any other person but somehow in my mind death became a goal for me, a desire just as strong as a junkie’s search for his next fix. I court it on a continuous basis and when it gets close the high is so tangible I swear I’m walking on clouds only to land back on earth with a thud and an attitude.

As my relationship with God deepens I know that I am here until such a time as He is ready to call me back home but that doesn’t stop the desire, the longing and the daily struggle to overcome and win the battle.

You see it’s not about when I want to die but about God and the higher purpose He has for my life. He has snatched me out of numerous occasions when it was imminent and I could almost reach out and touch it only to say “not now my child”. Leaving me hurt, angry and confused as to why I had to live with the desire to not be here yet driven to make the most of my life while I am here.

As Paul had his thorn so I have mine.

Feelings vs. Action

Dictionary.com gives the following definitions for feeling and action:

Action –noun: the process or state of acting or of being active: something done or performed; act; deed. An act that one consciously wills and that may be characterized by physical or mental activity.

Feeling –noun: the general state of consciousness considered independently of particular sensations, thoughts, etc. ;a consciousness or vague awareness; an emotion or emotional perception or attitude; capacity for emotion, esp. compassion; a sentiment; attitude; opinion; feelings, sensibilities; susceptibilities; fine emotional endowment.

I feel like crying, tossing in the towel and giving up. Instead I read my scriptures, pull up my britches, put a smile on my face and go out and do what needs to be done.

I feel like screaming and breaking things, I choose to take a walk around the neighborhood until I feel calm enough to return to the house.

I feel like staying home from work today and calling in sick, I choose to get up, take a shower, get dressed and go to work and make it a good day.

I feel, I feel, and I feel. Sound familiar? How often do we feel one way but have to choose to act just the opposite? Daily, is my response. I battle between my feelings and my actions every single day. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose but in the end the blame falls squarely on my shoulders. If I let my feelings get the best of me I know it is because I chose to let that happen. Thankfully I can repent and through God’s grace and mercy I am blessed to live to see another day wherein I can control better the feelings and allow my actions to govern the day.

Not everyone does this though. Thousand of people get up each day feeling sad, depressed, angry, and out of sorts. They walk around taking their feelings out on the unsuspecting stranger that crosses their path at the wrong time, or the one who switches lanes without a signal light, or who can’t find their wallet and is holding up the line at the grocery store. You get the gist. We have been on both sides of the equation, the feeling and the acting.

How do we keep ourselves from crossing that line? For me, I have to pray, constantly and continuously. I have a running dialogue in my head telling myself that just because I feel one way doesn’t mean I get to act it out. I have to choose the right, the best, and the most appropriate action based on my godly principles not my fleshy feelings.