Death is defined as the end of the life of a person; the act or fact of dying or being killed.For me it symbolizes freedom.
I fight a very real monster every day called death. He lures me into his intimate little sphere on a daily basis. He taunts and teases me. I run to him, desperately trying to catch him only to be thwarted each morning as I rise to another new and glorious day. Yes I know that sounds crazy. But it is my reality. At night when I go to sleep I long for it to be the end of a very long and hard journey. I look for death in my sleep and hope that each night will be the night that I catch up to him and will no longer wake to the sun shining through my window.
For those that know me you know that is an oxymoron because I am the consummate morning person. The first one awake and ready to tackle the day but what you don’t know is the disappointment or pain that accompanies that joy in the dawning of a new day.
Death has courted me for much of my life. I became aware of it at the age of eight and have shared this dance with it every day since that time. I look for it in the oddest places and even seek it without realizing it like a moth to a flame but time and time again I have been cheated out of my date.
I don’t fear death. I long for it. I don’t know what’s on the other side and at times I really don’t care. What I do see is an escape from this life and all the hurts and pains it has heaped on me during my forty-seven years of existence. Not that it has been any more hurtful for me than any other person but somehow in my mind death became a goal for me, a desire just as strong as a junkie’s search for his next fix. I court it on a continuous basis and when it gets close the high is so tangible I swear I’m walking on clouds only to land back on earth with a thud and an attitude.
As my relationship with God deepens I know that I am here until such a time as He is ready to call me back home but that doesn’t stop the desire, the longing and the daily struggle to overcome and win the battle.
You see it’s not about when I want to die but about God and the higher purpose He has for my life. He has snatched me out of numerous occasions when it was imminent and I could almost reach out and touch it only to say “not now my child”. Leaving me hurt, angry and confused as to why I had to live with the desire to not be here yet driven to make the most of my life while I am here.
As Paul had his thorn so I have mine.
Kim;
ReplyDeleteI know that place of darkness and that desire for death. There is a hope of freedom and release from all that we are responsible for and for every bit of pain and suffering we have endured and see before us.
BUT GOD! But God, has a plan and purpose for each of us which is why He keeps snatching you back. He died for YOU,so I guess you'll have to suck it up and live for Him!
You know I love you,
Mon
Mon
ReplyDeleteYes, I know that you know that place I'm referring too and I thank you for acknowledging that with me. There are so many of us that have been there but live in denial of feeling that there was no other alternative but I thank God for those that have and continue to speak out about their struggles with these feelings so that I know I am not alone. Some days are more of a struggle than others but I know He gives me no more than I can handle and so I will handle this but I don't have to be silent about it. I don't have to hide in shame and pretend that all is well all the time when it is not. I get to say I'm not perfect but I'm a work in progress and by the grace of God I will make it through this life one day, one dance at a time until the time comes for the final act. Until then I am living for Him in all my mess as I remain a diamond in the rough.