I have been so busy with life (school, the flu has been through the house 2 times, viruses, sinus infections, back issues, birthdays, visitation, weddings, work, church, class, etc.) but at the same time struggling with what to put out here.
In the past my blogs have been about me, my journey with my kids through domestic violence and pretty much everything in between. Now I'm in a new place and things are different. What used to be important to me then isn't now.
God is doing a marvelous work in me and it is causing me to see things clearer than ever before. He has become the focal point of my life. My days start with Him and I try throughout the day to carry Him with me in everything that I do, say or think. Granted I don't always win that battle but to me the important part is that I try. Nothing beats a failure but a try. So if I fail today I start again tomorrow that same way - praise & worship, scripture reading and prayers.
I get great joy out of reading His Word. The verses leap off the page at me and I have a deeper understanding of scriptures I have read over and over during my life. I thirst for His presence and feel lost and out of sorts if I miss my quiet time, church on Wednesday or Sunday. I don't read the same books, watch the same TV shows or even think the same thoughts. My life isn't all about me anymore, it's more about what I can do with it so that He can get the glory.
This isn't some big "transition" in my life. My entire life has been based on a foundation of God, faith in Him, his Word and Jesus Christ. The difference is in me and how I am now using what has been established/inbred in me. I've clung to Him in my darkest moments and can honestly say that I am alive today because of my faith and obedience to Him and his Word. But my day to day living has been about me, my kids, surviving the chaos of my life and enduring to the end. Somewhere in this journey I forgot about joy, hope, dreams and desires that make life worth living. I forgot about the promises for abundance, prosperity and cups overflowing - not with monetary things but with the fruits of the spirit, with peace that surpasses all understanding, with love unconditional. Things that can only come from a deep and intimate relationship with Him.
I spent a lot of time in my early years "looking for love in all the wrong places" and never finding it. I substituted stuff for love - a trip to the mall filled the void left from never feeling "loved", "good enough" or "pretty enough" but once I got back home and put it all away, the void was still there. When I did get into a relationship I thought the person in the relationship was supposed to fill those gaps but it never happened. Time and time again I got hurt, used, abused and left with voids wider and deeper than before. What I wasn't understanding was that no one could fill those voids - no earthly person that is. But God can and has.
I don't long for my husband to make everything better now, my kids won't always be there to keep the loneliness at bay, and friends, family and jobs come and go. There is only one true constant in our lives and that is the love of God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. No matter where I am, what is going on, what I need, want and desire, how bad I act or how down in the pits of hell I have allowed myself to descend I am NOT alone! He is with me never leaving nor forsaking me and if I but just reach out, call out or whisper His name He is there.
Earlier this year when I began posting again I was sharing some devotionals and the feelings they stirred in me but then I shied away from that. I started thinking that no one would read it if it was too religious. I didn't want to be preachy or perceived as being greater or having more knowledge than anyone else so I stopped. But the desire to still comment and reflect on what I feel when I read His Words posted by others, read in my daily emails from great resources out in the world or that rise up in my spirit is still there struggling to break free.
It might not do anything for you the readers but it does great things for me. It frees my mind, my thoughts and emotions and opens them up to all sorts of possibilities. The words are freeing to me like wings of an eagle. They allow me to soar where I once just glided. It helps me to reason things out in my life and put things into greater perspective. So I pick up my keyboard and I move forward yet again but in a different direction. One that I feel destined to be on. I hope you'll join me on the flight and may something that is written speak to you, your spirit and your life. May His light and love be reflected in these thoughts and prose is my greatest desire.