My Inspiration

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1 (NIV)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Giving up and breaking down

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Six months ago I stopped having my quiet time with God. Prior to that I was up every morning at 5 or 5:30 spending 30 minutes to an hour reading, praying and pondering the things I had read. I kept a prayer journal of sorts and could track the effectiveness of my prayers but one day I allowed the enemy to whisper in my ear “Are you doing this because you want to or because you have to?” and that question was enough to make me stop and question my motives and fore go my quiet time to see if I had an answer.

It didn’t take long for me to continue to lie in the bed when my alarm went off to get an extra 30 minute to an hour of sleep and then when summer hit I would get up and go running through my neighborhood because it was light and I enjoyed the high that came from the exercise. I reasoned that I could take my lunch break and make it my quiet time but I didn’t have a specific time I went to lunch each day and I quickly forgot that idea. Occasionally I would remember the day’s devotional but first I’d have to go back and catch up on the days that had passed since the last time I read. I had left myself drift really far from that faithful servant who gave the first fruits of her day to her Lord and Savior and left home ready to tackle the world for my God and was quickly replaced by a burdened, burnt out, overwhelmed wreck who didn’t have the strength to tackle the day to day issues in my life much less the harder challenges that reared their heads during this time. I was lost and alone in the wilderness but too prideful to come before God, confess my sin, ask for forgiveness and rescue my quiet time with Him and the enemy reveled in this.

“The thief cometh not, but for to steal and to kill and to destroy…” John 10:10

Eventually it got so bad I had a break down because the enemy was wreaking havoc in my life and I was too weak to fight him off. I was close to throwing in the towel but God…

I couldn’t do it. I did as I was prompted and reached out for help. I called my doctor and counselor; I emailed my family and friends. I went to my husband and my mother telling them all that I was scared because I was ready to give up. I felt so lost that I couldn’t see a clear path to find my way back.

“Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. No one remembers you when he is dead. Who praises you from the grave? I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer.” Psalm 6:2-9

These past few weeks have been very difficult and I know I’m not out of the woods yet but I know that during this time when I am at my weakest and most vulnerable state my God will step up and carry me if he has to. He will hold me up until I am strong enough to stand on my own and He will surround me with people who can help lead me to the path He desires me to walk down.

“…, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Will I allow the enemy to talk me out of my relationship with God again? Prayerfully not! When I have questions about my faith and obedience I will take them to the Lord and together we will find an answer.

I learned that when I am weak and confused that I can turn to God for his strength. He is not the author of confusion but the giver of hope, life and light in a dark world.

Psalm 51; 1 Corinthian 14:33; Psalm 6:2-9; Psalm 91; Psalm 13;

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