I hate my life. I hate my life. I. Hate. My. Life. At this moment, I really do hate aspects of my life. My mind is in a bad place. I awake feeling this way and as the day progresses the feelings intensify.
I hate my house and dread returning there each night. The minute I walk through the door it’s like a cloak of discontentment, anger and frustration envelop me and I can’t shake it off. I physically feel weighted down, sick and drained. I find no comfort in any space in the house. I just want to be out of there; away from it all, the physical house and yes, even the occupants that reside there.
There is so much that needs to be done and we lack the financial resources and manpower to do most of it. There are projects in various stages of completion but nothing is done, finished, complete; and it’s about to drive me crazy. The tile in the downstairs bathroom needs to be finished up and then grouted. Our shower doesn’t work you have to turn the water on/off in the closet every day to take a shower, the sink has a hole beside the drain, the toilet needs to be flushed 2 times to make a complete flush and then it runs forever, there’s mold in the bathroom that multiplies over night and drives my allergies crazy and two people cannot be in there at the same time it’s too small. The garage is a complete mess. Stuff is everywhere. The office has become the dumping ground for everything that doesn’t have a place. The basement is still incomplete. I’d prefer to have the wood walls back than to continue to go down there every day and see it sheet rocked but an incomplete mess. I don’t want to see unfinished this and that. I just want something in my life to be complete.
I’m frustrated at the constant state of messiness that seems to prevail no matter how much I clean. I vacuum and a couple of hours later you can’t tell. I fold the clothes, put them in their rooms and ask them to put them away and then I see clothes everywhere; hanging out of drawers, stuffed in closets but not where they need to be and not neat. The kitchen is a perpetual mess and repeated attempts to show how it should be cleaned and threats on what will be done if it’s not are useless. They just don’t care. The hall bathroom is a breeding ground for all things unhealthy and gross. I can wipe it down and come back in a matter of minutes and find toothpaste, snot or something else smeared on a wall, a seat or the floor. The mirror is covered with toothpaste spittle and fingerprints. Lotion and hair detangler puddles litter the counter tops. The ring in the bathtub smiles at me daily and no one knows what a toilet brush is for and if they do, they consider it an annual event not a weekly one. Their rooms are a mess and weekly cleanings are a joke. They mess it up daily and if we didn't say anything it would stay that way. It's like they are oblivious to any kind of a mess.
Right now I don’t feel like a very good mother. In fact, I feel like I don’t want to be a mother at all. I am so frustrated with them that I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to see them, talk to them and definitely don’t want to hear them call my name. I cringe and ball up my fist every time one of them approaches me for anything which is constantly. I don’t want to do it. I just don’t want to be there with them. It’s too hard. Right now I’m in a place where I can’t separate how I’m feeling from what I need to be doing. I want to pull the plug and say I’ve had enough. Never have I felt so much like a failure but these girls have certainly worked me into a state that has made me feel that way.
Everyone looks at them and comments on how beautiful they are, how healthy and happy they look and what great girls they are but no one knows the hell that goes on in our home on a daily basis. They constantly fight with one another; they are selfish, they lack respect for self and others. I can’t take it. I’ve never experienced anything like it in my life and I’m drained from it all. The lies, the crying, the lack of motivation, the lack of self-discipline, the “me, me, me” factor, it’s enough to make you want to shoot yourself. Every day we have drama. Every day we have tears. Every day someone is not happy about something and wants everyone else to feel their discontentment. Every day. I’ve had enough of every days. I’ve talked, I’ve prayed, I’ve yelled, threatened and even spanked. Nothing is changing, nothing is getting better. They are all piggy backing off of one another and I don’t have the energy, the mindset, the stamina to deal with them. I’m done; truly, utterly spent. I want to walk away and not look back.
Yet each day I get up, get dressed and go to work for them. I fret and worry about how I’m going to take care of them. I lay awake thinking about keeping a roof over their heads, clothes on their back, food on the table for them to eat and take to school for lunch. I rob Peter to pay Paul for their activities, their basic daily needs and wants and have to ask myself why? They don’t care. They are the most ungrateful bunch of kids you ever want to meet. They want, they need and if they don’t get they cry, they whine and they try to make everyone around them miserable. It is just not right but I don’t know what to do to make it right.
I love them but I don’t like them. Not one of them. And that makes me not like myself and who I’ve become. The one thing that used to bring me so much joy is now the bane of my existence. Motherhood is now a dirty word. I don’t want to be a mom anymore. I don’t want to go through this, to feel like this, so utterly defeated by these children. They are like leeches and have sucked every ounce of love, energy, compassion, and life right out of me. No amount of discipline seems to work, no amount of talking, charting behaviors, rewarding good and ignoring bad has had an impact.
How did things get like this and how do we change them? How can I stop feeling this way? How can I gain a sense of control and regain the love, compassion and joy I felt about being a mother?
I called my counselor today and she assured me that what I’m feeling is normal, even typical and were she in my shoes she would have jumped off a cliff a long time ago. She reassured me that I was not crazy or losing my mind and that yes, “this too shall pass”. She also applauded me for my honesty. She said too often we walk around with these feelings bottled up and they push us to the limit but that I am acknowledging them, releasing them and trying to understand them and that is important. That if more women shared what they felt, experienced and lived through that we would be a better world because of it. No one wants to feel like this and think they are alone. No one wants the added weight of “is this normal, am I ok” wafting over them while dealing with the every day drama of life. She told me I had graduated and didn’t need to come in for a session because I knew what the issues were and would find my way through them. She has faith and confidence in me that I will win this war but in the process I might lose a battle or two and that is ok.
Five girls bring a lot of hormones in the mix and some of the issues they have that we deal with on a daily basis are fuel to the fire. They are in essence feeding off of each other’s issues and thus we have a snowball effect. Her advice: Take a break, get away as often as you can and don’t let them drag you into their mess. State your rules and consequences and stick with them no matter how they react. Eventually, they will come around but not all at the same time. So in essence, this will continue until the last one leaves home. Sigh.
“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come. Nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39 (NKJV)
And yes, this includes my children!
What I need are a few good prayer warriors who will pray with me and for me and these girls on a daily basis. Pray that they start to control their emotions, that they have listening ears and loving hearts. That they will not only do as I say, but do as I do. Put God first, start each day with thanks to Him, love unconditionally, share, be their sisters’ best friends and stop all the “hating” that they keep heaping on each other. Pray for peace and harmony in my home and in my heart and mind and pray that God keeps me through this time in my life. I know that greater things are in store and that I will look back on these days and be able to laugh about them especially when they have kids of their own and are complaining to me but right here, right now, it’s not fun.
I will be praying for wisdom, knowledge and understanding of these “aliens” who have invaded my children’s bodies. I know that we did not give my mom a 10th of the drama that I get from these girls, partly out of fear for our lives but also because we respected ourselves and our home. But I am also mindful of their issues and the circumstances of their lives that have made part of this dilemma what it is and I am praying that they can be healed of these issues as well. I know that prayer is the greatest thing I can do at this point and I will be on my face daily about this situation. I know the changes won’t happen over night but I do know that they can and will over time.
“Hear my prayer, O LORD, Give ear to my supplications! In Your faithfulness answer me, And in Your righteousness.” Psalm 143:1 (NKJV)
One giant step for me… I’m going back to college. I’ve filled out my application, got my letters of recommendation, applied for financial aid and am now waiting to hear back from my enrollment counselor as to next steps.
