January goals: Go to bed earlier, start exercising again and organize my home office
This month's focus is on love and marriage. Rubin notes that, "working on my marriage was an obvious goal for my happiness project, because a good marriage is one of the factors most strongly associated with happiness...the atmosphere of my marriage set the weather for my whole life" (39). Scientific study, anecdotal evidence and my own personal observation certainly confirm that, arguably the most primary relationship in an adult's life, the marital relationship has a strong impact on happiness.
Today is about reflecting on where you are, and brainstorming where you want to be.
Minivan mom’s post set me to thinking and feeling a bit melancholy because her words pierced a place in me that I thought was healed, but I obviously still have issues with. My first marriage ended.in.divorce. While I agree that it is best to stay married, even in an unhappy marriage, for the sake of the children, I couldn’t. Not only was it unhappy but it was abusive on several fronts. I stuck with it for the sake of our kids – all 10 of them, for as long as I could but when it got to the point that it was just as detrimental for them as it was for me; and when I knew it was a choice between which one of us lived and which one of us died, then I knew it had to end. And in theory so did I. I fell to pieces literally. I was mentally void of any kind of rational thought, action or emotion. I functioned on auto-pilot, anti-depressants and Valium. I was Humpty Dumpty and during that awful time of my life I never thought I could/would be whole again.
The depth of my bitterness, resentment, hatred and anger could not be measured and the idea of another man entering my life was as likely as a snowball surviving a minute in hell. For two years, I worked hard at restoring my children and myself. I lost a few battles and won a few along the way trying to fight for what I thought was fair and just through our judicial system and at the hands of men found myself being victimized all over again because in the south the “good old boy” network is still alive and thriving. The healing process continued though through a group of friends that stuck closer to me than my family and continues to do so. My faith and trust in God saw me through the pit of hell and one day in my world of darkness and despair, the sun started to shine and I started to grow once again – grow confident in myself, my abilities as a woman/mother/friend and a contributing member of society. My job afforded me the opportunity to support my family and travel. Life was good and although I was alone, I was ok. More than ok. I was ecstatic because I had survived. I was tired but not weary, a little overwhelmed but not drowning. I wasn’t whole but I was no longer broken in a million little pieces. And when I least expected it my whole world got turned upside down again.
I met someone while traveling for work. I wasn’t looking, didn’t make the connection and gave little thought that this was more than a chance meeting. Little did I know that there was something much greater in the works. I met my soul mate. The person I was destined to be with. Not because he made my life wonderful and perfect because he didn’t and it’s not; but because he came into my life when I was so much less than I was when I met my first husband but he could see beyond the brokenness into what I could become and he loved me all the more because of it.
Tony’s acceptance of me, my circumstances and my baggage was more than I had ever hoped for. Trust me when I say he got the short end of the stick. I’ve never been one to deny who I am or how I am. In fact, as much as I tried not to be, I am my mother’s child. A strong, independent, I don’t need/want anybody because I can do it all by myself woman! I know what I want, how I want it and don’t think I’m going to let anyone tell me differently; especially after all that I had been through. In my first marriage I was that submissive, subservient wife. I threw away all that I was to become all that I thought he wanted on any given day to keep the peace, to make the yelling, screaming and belittling stop. Not anymore. On the inside I had become hard, determined and fiercely protective of what is mine. In spite of all of this he made his intentions known, dug his heels in and has been holding on every since.
He had one child, a son; I had 6 still at home 1 son and 5 daughters. He’s laid back, relaxed and easy going. I am type A all the way – uptight, regimented and nauseated at the idea of a vacation lasting more than 3 days (Fri, Sat & Sun). Relax was a dirty word totally foreign to me. I didn’t do much laughing, crying or having fun. I was in a groove that didn’t sway left or right but went straight down the line and it took an act of God to move me off of it but He did and I have. I zig, I zag, and I love life a whole lot more when I look at it from his perspective rather than my own. He wipes my tears, holds me in the night when the nightmares creep back in and he laughs with me and at me when I do stupid stuff for reasons unknown even to myself. He loves the salt and pepper hair – no “Nice n Easy” happening in this house and has fattened me up with his cooking and loving. Where there was once despair is now hope, where there was once ashes there are now flowers blooming – dreams on the horizon. I radiate from my head to my toes thanks to God and my husband.
These past two years have been good ones for me. I know that I could not appreciate all that Tony is if I hadn’t experienced the bad. He has taught me a lot about life, living, loving and trusting. I wouldn’t have learned the art of compromise and letting go of the small stuff or even how to laugh at myself and stop being so uptight if it weren’t for him. I can’t say that everything has changed for the better because in some ways they haven’t. We still have our struggles with the kids, finances, jobs, family – you know... life. But we’re in it together and we respect each other enough to walk away and give the other space when needed. That was essential for me because I had to learn to share my space with someone again, to trust my heart to someone again knowing full well that he could hurt me but be willing to step out on faith that even if he does that it isn’t the same and never will be. I’ve had to let go of the past hurts and prejudices and say ok, let’s give it a try and see where it leads. I’ve had to lower my expectations and free him from the incredibly high standards I had set in my mind so that he could be free to be himself and not who I would have molded him into. I had to take the lessons from the past and apply them to this relationship thus making it stronger and better than any I’ve ever had or hoped to have.
My husband challenges me to be a better person without even knowing it. The dreams he has for us stretches me in ways that want to send me running the other way but instead I move forward, taking it one day at a time, working my way through it until it feels right and I can embrace it totally. No pressure, no strings attached, no hidden agenda and no skeletons lurking in the shadows to pull me down. I am free to come into my own.
What keeps me awake at night is the feeling I have of the scales being unbalanced. For all he has given me I wonder what I give him other than a hard time. I lost so much of myself and don’t feel like I’ve gained it all back and therefore he’s missing out on those things. Like how I used to be so easy going, loving and forgiving. It was a seamless part of me and now it takes concerted effort to do all of those things. I have to choose to love, to relax, to forgive and some days to just live and not let the ghosts of the past pull me down into the darkness again.
His acceptance of me is so much more than mine of him. In my mind I replay things over and over and have to talk the walls down more often than not but he doesn’t complain, he just accepts. I throw myself out there giving and giving and often have little left to give at home but he accepts that as part of who I am and tries to protect me from myself. I’m not as understanding all the time. I can be selfish, self-centered and judgmental. He looks out for his family, always putting our needs first. He thinks the whole thing through and is willing to take a chance whereas I’d play it safe and close to my chest.
Nonetheless, it is working for us. I love him for who he is, how he is and just because he is. I love that he loves me, my children (our children) and has made our house a home. I love that he has seen me at my best and my worst and finds he is willing to accept them both. And even though he is younger than me, he is much wiser when it comes to certain things in the world that could present a clear and present danger to us.
What I hope for the future? More laughter, more love, more hope and joy. I’m slowly wrapping my brain around a trip to Disney, possibly a cruise and a vacation that is a week long. I’m looking forward to aging like fine wine with him; to watching the children grow up, welcoming grandchildren and reaching for all that is awaiting us and then some. At this point, there is a future and that is the greatest blessing of all.
Showing posts with label The Happiness Project. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Happiness Project. Show all posts
Monday, February 8, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Happiness Project - Boost Energy Pt. 2
So how did I do with my goals? Not as bad as I thought.
#1 - Of course, I bombed on getting to bed early every night but I did fall asleep before 11:00 several nights throughout the month including 2 this past week and felt much more rested the following day. I can’t say that if I kept this up on a regular basis it would make much difference because I just don’t envision that in my life but I will be more mindful of my body’s needs and when I find myself getting sleepy or nodding off I will be obedient and allow myself the luxury of giving in to that moment if there is nothing earth shattering that requires my attention.
#2 – Not only did I sign up, get weighed, measured (in front of my coworkers) and sign away my rights for the use of the gym but I also brought in my workout clothes! They are in a bag under my desk just waiting for me to drag them out, put them on and hit the treadmill or elliptical. We also had a fire drill which prompted me to have to walk down 8 flights of stairs in heels no less. I was not winded which was a good sign to me. I’ve been physically fit for most of my life even anorexic at one time I had lost so much weight due to stress and IBS but I continued working out because it has always brought me a sense of satisfaction and self pride. The past two years I let my gym membership lapse due to financial constraints and found it much harder to motivate myself without the pull of the gym. Not to mention, that my husband is a fantastic cook who is more concerned with pleasing my appetites vs. the type of foods I should be eating. I don’t think it helps that I was eating at 8:00 and 9:00P and then heading off to bed. I’m looking to drop 20lbs and/or lose about 6 inches in my waist and 2 or 3 off my thighs.
I paid the non-refundable registration fee for the marathon and signed my husband up for it as well so that I have a little competition going. So, I think it’s safe to say that progress has been made. I’ll update you on the status of this at the end of February with an update on the weight, inches, etc. and let you know how it relates to my happiness quotient.
#3 & #4 – Besides restoring and organizing my new work space, I did get off to a pretty good job of purging my home office. I had 6 bags of shredding and am no longer in possession of my bank statements from 1999 through 2008. I shredded leases, letters, cards, notes, and billing statements. I tossed magazines (all of my Oprah magazines for the past 6 years…) and pictures from the kids (shhhh). There is just no way you can keep ALL the artwork from 10 kids and have an uncluttered home so I purged through and kept a little bit of everything that pricked my heart when I came across it. I’ve laminated them to keep them fresh and everyone has a folder/crate with artwork of various sizes and shapes. I took supplies to work from my space there and hence I am ready to really get it organized. I’ve decided to put the space heater out there for a couple of hours each night I choose to spend time out there and work until it is a done deal. My goal is to have this complete by February 26. I’m thinking of taking a before and after photo just so you can see the magnitude of the job.
#5 – I’m hoping that if I can accomplish #2, #3 and #4 that I won’t have to ACT more energetic but I will BE more energetic.
Stay tuned as I continue this trek and see where I end up!
February’s focus is on love and relationships. I wonder where that will lead…
#1 - Of course, I bombed on getting to bed early every night but I did fall asleep before 11:00 several nights throughout the month including 2 this past week and felt much more rested the following day. I can’t say that if I kept this up on a regular basis it would make much difference because I just don’t envision that in my life but I will be more mindful of my body’s needs and when I find myself getting sleepy or nodding off I will be obedient and allow myself the luxury of giving in to that moment if there is nothing earth shattering that requires my attention.
#2 – Not only did I sign up, get weighed, measured (in front of my coworkers) and sign away my rights for the use of the gym but I also brought in my workout clothes! They are in a bag under my desk just waiting for me to drag them out, put them on and hit the treadmill or elliptical. We also had a fire drill which prompted me to have to walk down 8 flights of stairs in heels no less. I was not winded which was a good sign to me. I’ve been physically fit for most of my life even anorexic at one time I had lost so much weight due to stress and IBS but I continued working out because it has always brought me a sense of satisfaction and self pride. The past two years I let my gym membership lapse due to financial constraints and found it much harder to motivate myself without the pull of the gym. Not to mention, that my husband is a fantastic cook who is more concerned with pleasing my appetites vs. the type of foods I should be eating. I don’t think it helps that I was eating at 8:00 and 9:00P and then heading off to bed. I’m looking to drop 20lbs and/or lose about 6 inches in my waist and 2 or 3 off my thighs.
I paid the non-refundable registration fee for the marathon and signed my husband up for it as well so that I have a little competition going. So, I think it’s safe to say that progress has been made. I’ll update you on the status of this at the end of February with an update on the weight, inches, etc. and let you know how it relates to my happiness quotient.
#3 & #4 – Besides restoring and organizing my new work space, I did get off to a pretty good job of purging my home office. I had 6 bags of shredding and am no longer in possession of my bank statements from 1999 through 2008. I shredded leases, letters, cards, notes, and billing statements. I tossed magazines (all of my Oprah magazines for the past 6 years…) and pictures from the kids (shhhh). There is just no way you can keep ALL the artwork from 10 kids and have an uncluttered home so I purged through and kept a little bit of everything that pricked my heart when I came across it. I’ve laminated them to keep them fresh and everyone has a folder/crate with artwork of various sizes and shapes. I took supplies to work from my space there and hence I am ready to really get it organized. I’ve decided to put the space heater out there for a couple of hours each night I choose to spend time out there and work until it is a done deal. My goal is to have this complete by February 26. I’m thinking of taking a before and after photo just so you can see the magnitude of the job.
#5 – I’m hoping that if I can accomplish #2, #3 and #4 that I won’t have to ACT more energetic but I will BE more energetic.
Stay tuned as I continue this trek and see where I end up!
February’s focus is on love and relationships. I wonder where that will lead…
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Happiness Project - Boost Energy, part I
The month of January is devoted to consciously working on boosting vitality and energy, because as Rubin writes, "research shows being happy energizes you, and at the same time, having more energy makes it easier for you to engage in activities - like socializing and exercise - that boost happiness. Studies also show that when you feel energetic, your self-esteem rises" (18).
For her project, Rubin decided to work on the following 5 steps to boost her energy:
LOL, more energy? Most people accuse me of being the “Energizer Bunny” so I’m laughing at the idea of more energy although lately I don’t feel that is the case. My energy level is fine but how I channel my energy is the problem. Right now I’m basically flying by the seat of my pants with no set path. I’m in a new job literally feeling my way through each day much like a blind person who walks into an unfamiliar room. I am loving it but I’m not flowing in a set pattern or with what I feel is order and organization. If you didn’t realize by the title of my blog, I thrive on organization even if it’s just in my own mind and 99% of the time that’s how it is. So the feeling of being out of sorts adds stress which is said to drain you of energy which I guess can lead to a diminished feeling of happiness. And I said all of that why? I guess because I’m in denial of needing more energy or redirecting myself so that my energy flows better.
Will you work on one of Rubin’s 5 steps, or create new ones of your own?
I decided why bother to recreate the wheel and take up Linda’s steps and I’m happy to report that this week I have failed at them all but #5. If I can’t do anything else, I can fake the funk, I mean the energetic feeling.
#1 - This is not a week to try to go to sleep earlier as I have meetings planned for every evening this week and if I can hit the pillow before 11:00 on any given night I’ll be doing good.
#2 - I did sign up for gym privileges at work if that counts for #2 but I can’t start using the gym until next week. I also signed up for our annual 10k marathon in the city on March 27 so I definitely have a hard goal set to prepare for. I can do a 5k in 45 minutes but haven’t tried a 10k so it is my desire to complete it in 2 hours or less for my first time out. I have a harder goal out there for myself but I refuse to let anyone else know just how sadistic I can be when it comes to pushing myself.
#3 – Toss, restore, organize – I am “Queen B” at doing that; especially at work. At my new job I have tossed, tossed and tossed to the point that I fear that if I don’t stop I might find myself with empty file drawers. I’ve restored my area to look like I’ve been there for two years instead of 2 weeks and my files are so organized that even my bosses could find what they needed if they were so inclined. I have a bit more work to do when it comes to my personal space though. I have a deep seeded need to torture myself with things of the past and so I have a hard time of letting go of things even if its for my own good.
#4 – Tackle a nagging task – Right now the most nagging task is to organize my home/home office. My husband has been taking care of the home piece so I’ve kinda relinquished that nag off to his “honey do” list. See the latter part of #3 and then keep reading. In order to effectively accomplish this task I need time, I need heat (right now it’s stays about 10 degrees warmer than the outside temperature because it is all glass) and I need peace, quiet and undisturbed time. Living with 7 other people makes this virtually impossible. And did I mention it was glass, which makes me a target for everyone who passes by to stop, knock and interrupt my groove. Oh yeah, there needs to be a desire to eliminate the nag as well, and right now I just don’t have it. I’d rather, read, watch TV, take a nap, or help the kids with homework. I am a deadline driven fool and I’ve yet to give myself a deadline so although it nags me that it isn’t done, I’m not motivated by my perfectionistic desire to accomplish the task because there isn’t an end date. You think maybe I should set one…
#5 – Act more energetic – I’ve smiled, cheered, worked, laughed, ran, fought and bounced my way through life. I couldn’t act any more energized if I tried. It’s a part I was born to play. My ADD/ADHD, competitive, people pleasing, perfectionistic tendencies only seem to increase this 10 fold as I am not going to be outdone or come up short. Some days I feel like I’m going to go down in flames in an effort to do it all but alas I succeed and start all over again smile in tack, princess wave down pat and all my little ducks in a row.
OK, assessment done and I’m left feeling deflated. OMGosh, where is the happiness in this?
For her project, Rubin decided to work on the following 5 steps to boost her energy:
- Go to sleep earlier
- Exercise better
- Toss, restore, organize
- Tackle a nagging task
- Act more energetic
LOL, more energy? Most people accuse me of being the “Energizer Bunny” so I’m laughing at the idea of more energy although lately I don’t feel that is the case. My energy level is fine but how I channel my energy is the problem. Right now I’m basically flying by the seat of my pants with no set path. I’m in a new job literally feeling my way through each day much like a blind person who walks into an unfamiliar room. I am loving it but I’m not flowing in a set pattern or with what I feel is order and organization. If you didn’t realize by the title of my blog, I thrive on organization even if it’s just in my own mind and 99% of the time that’s how it is. So the feeling of being out of sorts adds stress which is said to drain you of energy which I guess can lead to a diminished feeling of happiness. And I said all of that why? I guess because I’m in denial of needing more energy or redirecting myself so that my energy flows better.
Will you work on one of Rubin’s 5 steps, or create new ones of your own?
I decided why bother to recreate the wheel and take up Linda’s steps and I’m happy to report that this week I have failed at them all but #5. If I can’t do anything else, I can fake the funk, I mean the energetic feeling.
#1 - This is not a week to try to go to sleep earlier as I have meetings planned for every evening this week and if I can hit the pillow before 11:00 on any given night I’ll be doing good.
#2 - I did sign up for gym privileges at work if that counts for #2 but I can’t start using the gym until next week. I also signed up for our annual 10k marathon in the city on March 27 so I definitely have a hard goal set to prepare for. I can do a 5k in 45 minutes but haven’t tried a 10k so it is my desire to complete it in 2 hours or less for my first time out. I have a harder goal out there for myself but I refuse to let anyone else know just how sadistic I can be when it comes to pushing myself.
#3 – Toss, restore, organize – I am “Queen B” at doing that; especially at work. At my new job I have tossed, tossed and tossed to the point that I fear that if I don’t stop I might find myself with empty file drawers. I’ve restored my area to look like I’ve been there for two years instead of 2 weeks and my files are so organized that even my bosses could find what they needed if they were so inclined. I have a bit more work to do when it comes to my personal space though. I have a deep seeded need to torture myself with things of the past and so I have a hard time of letting go of things even if its for my own good.
#4 – Tackle a nagging task – Right now the most nagging task is to organize my home/home office. My husband has been taking care of the home piece so I’ve kinda relinquished that nag off to his “honey do” list. See the latter part of #3 and then keep reading. In order to effectively accomplish this task I need time, I need heat (right now it’s stays about 10 degrees warmer than the outside temperature because it is all glass) and I need peace, quiet and undisturbed time. Living with 7 other people makes this virtually impossible. And did I mention it was glass, which makes me a target for everyone who passes by to stop, knock and interrupt my groove. Oh yeah, there needs to be a desire to eliminate the nag as well, and right now I just don’t have it. I’d rather, read, watch TV, take a nap, or help the kids with homework. I am a deadline driven fool and I’ve yet to give myself a deadline so although it nags me that it isn’t done, I’m not motivated by my perfectionistic desire to accomplish the task because there isn’t an end date. You think maybe I should set one…
#5 – Act more energetic – I’ve smiled, cheered, worked, laughed, ran, fought and bounced my way through life. I couldn’t act any more energized if I tried. It’s a part I was born to play. My ADD/ADHD, competitive, people pleasing, perfectionistic tendencies only seem to increase this 10 fold as I am not going to be outdone or come up short. Some days I feel like I’m going to go down in flames in an effort to do it all but alas I succeed and start all over again smile in tack, princess wave down pat and all my little ducks in a row.
OK, assessment done and I’m left feeling deflated. OMGosh, where is the happiness in this?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Happiness Project - Why I am doing it
According to Webster's Dictionary happiness is described as "a state of well-being and contentment; a pleasurable satisfaction."
Society measures happiness in a myriad of ways: money, kids, marriages, houses, cars, phones, etc. The key being it is a measured thing.
I've always thought of happiness as a feeling of peace and contentment with where I am and what is happening in my life. I envisioned it as a perpetual state of being. In reality, for me, it has been measured by different incidences that have taken place in my life from the birth of my children, to finding God, to getting jobs, and most recently to my husband finding me.
Why are you doing this project? I know that I am blessed. I know that things in my life are better than they have ever been in some ways. And, if I had to choose an emotion to describe where I am in my life right now, I would say that I am happy. But deep down a part of me feels that there is something missing. I know that my happiness has been a fleeting thing and I want to find out how to make it permanent. That is hard though with all the obstacles that one faces on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.
What is your history in trying to be more happy? I grew up equating happiness and love synonymously and have spent my entire life looking for love/happiness. I've gone to counseling, and read tons of self-help books. I've done journaling, blogging, praying, talking, eating, drinking, and drugs (prescription) in my quest for happiness. The things that worked best for me have been counseling, journaling, blogging, my husband and most especially, my walk with God. I've found that I am the happiest when I am doing things for others versus stuff for myself. I truly enjoy serving and being a part of something much bigger than myself which is why I volunteer. In some ways it might be considered running from my life so I don't have to think about whether or not I'm happy but for me it's a way of tangibly feeling something without trying to.
What does happiness look like for you? I don't know. That is what I'm hoping to discover on this journey. This intersects with other things I have been working on like discovering who I am, what my purpose is here and where my sweet spot is. I envision that it has a lot of looks for me but instead of being fleeting it will be perpetual.
Society measures happiness in a myriad of ways: money, kids, marriages, houses, cars, phones, etc. The key being it is a measured thing.
I've always thought of happiness as a feeling of peace and contentment with where I am and what is happening in my life. I envisioned it as a perpetual state of being. In reality, for me, it has been measured by different incidences that have taken place in my life from the birth of my children, to finding God, to getting jobs, and most recently to my husband finding me.
Why are you doing this project? I know that I am blessed. I know that things in my life are better than they have ever been in some ways. And, if I had to choose an emotion to describe where I am in my life right now, I would say that I am happy. But deep down a part of me feels that there is something missing. I know that my happiness has been a fleeting thing and I want to find out how to make it permanent. That is hard though with all the obstacles that one faces on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.
What is your history in trying to be more happy? I grew up equating happiness and love synonymously and have spent my entire life looking for love/happiness. I've gone to counseling, and read tons of self-help books. I've done journaling, blogging, praying, talking, eating, drinking, and drugs (prescription) in my quest for happiness. The things that worked best for me have been counseling, journaling, blogging, my husband and most especially, my walk with God. I've found that I am the happiest when I am doing things for others versus stuff for myself. I truly enjoy serving and being a part of something much bigger than myself which is why I volunteer. In some ways it might be considered running from my life so I don't have to think about whether or not I'm happy but for me it's a way of tangibly feeling something without trying to.
What does happiness look like for you? I don't know. That is what I'm hoping to discover on this journey. This intersects with other things I have been working on like discovering who I am, what my purpose is here and where my sweet spot is. I envision that it has a lot of looks for me but instead of being fleeting it will be perpetual.
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