Re-Organized Chaos in Virginia

My aching head...

2011-10-27T13:20:00.003-04:00

Blurred vision, crossed eyes, reading glasses, computers, software, hardware, CPU’s, RAM, CRM, DSS, all these things have meaning in my computer science class but what they mean to me is a huge headache. We have five weeks to master this stuff and that’s asking a lot on top of work, home and any miscellaneous activities one might have going on. We have weekly papers, multiple chapters to read, questions to answer, a mid-term and final exam and a case study to crank out during that time. Holy cow!

I thought this class would be a breeze but it has turned into one of my busiest ones yet. The only cool thing is that the professor is pretty laid back and gives us latitude. I’m hoping he’ll cut us some slack as he reviews the requirements for our case studies this week. That is my biggest concern.

I’ve mapped out my exams and feel comfortable about them and well, reading is reading. Either it will sink in or it won’t but I can’t force it. One of the joys of being older is you already know what your limitations are and so you don’t get hung up on them but try to find work-arounds like extensive note taking or asking lots of questions so that he actually tells you what you need to know without you having to chase around your elbow to get the answer.

Anyone know the key information that should be included on a CEO’s dashboard?

Sigh, I’m going to be a pro by the time this class is over. I think.

Welcome Baby Nivea!

2011-10-25T11:16:00.001-04:00

Welcome to the world little one. There is so much for you to see and learn. I can hardly contain the joy I feel in my heart over your birth. You have so many people that are excited to have you here; that want to love on you and see you succeed in this life. We are blessed to have you as part of our family. Thank you for choosing us!

The essay from hell

2011-07-08T10:10:00.002-04:00

I started back to school several months ago with a great deal of excitement and apprehension. Did I really have what it takes? Could I hold my own? How would I handle the extra work? Three classes down and I feel like my worries were all in vain. After the first class, everything fell into place beautifully and it has all been good. That is up until now. I am taking what I thought would be my easiest class when in reality it has been my hardest. Music appreciation has thrown me a curve ball. I LOVE music, all kinds of music and get a great deal out of listening to the different varieties. This class was supposed to be a walk in the park for me because of that except it has not been. I have learned very little in this class and have struggled to get that.

Our professor is over our heads. Way too smart and unable to keep a train of thought to completion. We go off on tangents that look like a roadmap across the country plotted out by a child. Syllabus be damned.

Mind you, this is a five-week class so how hard can it be. Well after the first three weeks with nothing but 100s of pages of reading and listening to CDs, we get our only assignment of the class. We have to write an essay of a minimum of two pages regarding something that I can summarize in two paragraphs. Easy for me since I write all the time one would think but such is not the case. This cannot be fluff, it has to be scholarly, and it cannot be paraphrased or filled with citations he wants it in our own words. OMG! How did I get into this predicament? Half a dozen rewrites later I am finally at two pages with one cite. I cannot read this paper again or try my hand at flushing it out any more than I have. My head hurts just thinking about all that I have gone through to get it to where it is today. Will it pass, yes, am I happy with it, no. A well thought out paper requires more than one week writing it especially when you have work, life, required reading, and listening to do on top of researching the paper.

So I ask all of you scholarly musical geniuses, what is the role of the conductor?

Grieving

2011-07-08T08:13:00.002-04:00

Grieving is to feel or show grief over. Grief is deep mental anguish, as that arising from bereavement.

One would assume that I spent this past year grieving the death of my father and two uncles and while I wish this were true, it is not. There are five stages of grief, which are denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I have gone through two of these emotions, depression and acceptance, or what I would call resignation. I spent several months in a fog walking around on auto-pilot before seeking help for clinical depression. I have resigned myself to the fact that their time here on Earth has ended and that they are all in a better place. I am grateful that suffering is over but the tears have not come. The anger is absent. I am not in denial about their deaths but I remain emotionless, numb, resigned. Death is a constant. Something we will all experience but grieving is just as normal as death and I cannot seem to get myself to go there.

I miss my Dad and uncles very much but I do not think of them often. It is as if I have blotted them out of my mind. I see their pictures but I am not really “seeing” them for whom they were and what role they played in my life. They are like characters from a magazine or TV show. My memories are blocked. I refuse to go there unless there is a group of us talking about them and then it is all good, no sadness, just laughter and good times. While this is OK it is not enough. The knot is still there. The holes are still there and the feelings that were quick to rise up at the time of each death acknowledged.

Unfortunately, for me the defense mechanism of strength (i.e. being strong - crying is a sign of weakness) kicks in and overrides my senses and the moment passes not recognized for what it really is until something else triggers it. I do not want to experience another loss to grieve the loss of these three people as it will take away from the one who should really be grieved but I have to find a way to allow the squashed feelings to rise to the surface and released. I have to face these deaths from a personal perspective not a clinical approach. I am not on the outside looking in. These three people meant a great deal to me. They helped to mold me as I was growing up, now they are gone, and with them, a piece of me went too.

I want to cry, to release the pent up emotions but I cannot. It will not happen at least not right now. The one year anniversary for all of them have come and gone and still nothing, although I feel it lying just beneath the surface. Counseling has helped me to acknowledge it but so far nothing has helped me release it. One day I hope to be able to feel that this is all over for me and I will think of them and our times together often and fondly. In the meantime, I am waiting for the moment or moments when the wall comes down, the lid comes off and the emotions will come spilling out and I can move forward.

Why do I write?

2011-07-06T17:09:00.003-04:00

Why do I write? My first response to that question is why not write? I cannot remember a time in my life when writing was not a part of it. I have written poetry, short stories, journals, rants, and raves for as far back as I can remember. Was it all publishable or even worth someone reading, probably not but it was an outlet for me and that is all that mattered.

Having said all that I guess it is safe to say that writing is an opening for me. It allows me to express myself in ways otherwise unavailable. I get to determine who my audience is and when, if at all, to share what I have written. Thoughts are constantly floating around and although they do not always make it down on paper, they are stored in the file cabinet for a rainy day.

Writing is therapeutic for me. I can write about things that are on my mind from today, yesterday, five years ago, or longer. Thoughts have a way of holding you captive until released and that is where my writing comes into play.

Sometimes if I am having a rough day instead of carrying it around with me, I will write about it and then delete it. Never having seen the light of day but gone from my mind are those thoughts that have held me captive and I am all the better for it because it has been set free.

Our brains are like mini computers. We take stuff in and eventually if it is not stored somewhere else you run out of memory. With my writing, I download every so often thereby freeing up space and allowing the brain to defrag.

That is all practical and good but my writings embody my emotions and at times things get bogged down or bottled up because of what I am feeling and they marinate for a while until I can find a way to get them out cohesively. This is where I am right now and have been for a few months now. Feelings are disjointed and running amok making it difficult to put into words and so they have been festering, soaking, and have reached the boiling point. They need releasing before they spill over and make a mess and so this 30,000-word challenge could not have come at a better time. With that said, if I seem to be like a Mexican jumping bean (all over the place) you will understand why. There is a lot of stuff up there just waiting to come out.

Summer memories

2011-07-06T14:45:00.002-04:00

Summer has quickly consumed us. It has insulated itself into our every thought and action. The weather, the weekend, the events over the next few months all revolve around summer. Will we have good weather? Will we get rain? Can I take vacation and get a couple of good days in without it being a washout? As the kids are out of school our actions are centered around them and keeping them entertained; camp, swimming, football and cheering practice, visits to the library and of course the ever groaning vacation trip with the famous words, “Are we there yet?”

It is too soon to say, “I am bored”. One would hope we could get a few more weeks of them sleeping until noon, eating everything they can get their hands on, playing video games, texting, and tweeting until all hours of the night before speaking those words.

I for one remember a different kind of summer; one where you went to stay with your grandparents the weekend that school let out and did not come back until the weekend before school began again. Being that they were from the old school, meaning before the days of electronics, TV, and entertaining the kids it was up to us to entertain ourselves. We found something to do on a daily basis to keep our minds from turning to gel or getting ourselves into trouble while trying not to be bored. Fortunately, for me New York was full of wonders and excitement and the possibilities were endless.

I spent hours at the museum looking at art and wondering what the artist meant when they painted such things. King Tut’s display was my favorite visiting attraction and it was fascinating to look at all the pieces, read the history of discoveries in the tombs, and ponder it all with the brain of an adolescent. The botanical gardens brought another facet of joy in itself. The Japanese gardens, the Koi ponds, and the vast array of flowers and greenery took my imagination on trips to far away lands.

Rainy days found me in the library tucked into a window and reading for hours at a time. I got lost in the books. They opened up a new world for me. Reading was my outlet, my escape from the reality of what I considered a terrible life. Ah the mind of a child, the things we thought and felt in contrast to the reality of the situation.

I loved the smell of the subway or should I say the smell of the logs in the subway; the freedom of the trains was overwhelming. One could get on and ride for hours all through the city going from borough to borough and people watch. It was a great past time but not one I would recommend for the faint at heart because there was quite the eclectic group of characters that boarded the train depending on where you happened to be. My favorite part of the city was the village. I never knew what to expect when the doors would swoosh open to accept a new load of travelers caught up in their own worlds heading to destinations unknown. There were the gypsies, the punk rockers, the yuppies, and the vagabonds. Pink hair, Mohawks, body piercings, tattoo covered bodies, vintage clothing, spiked dog collar jewelry, heels, cowboy boots, shorts, sandals, and on and on it goes. I loved to see the vast array of attire adorning these strange characters that ventured onto the train when we stopped in their world.

The park is every child’s dream world except when you suffer from motion sickness and then it becomes your worst nightmare. Nausea and I were very good friends because I did not want to be left out of the fun. Swinging, see-sawing and the merry-go-round were my arch enemies but everyone loved to ride these rides and I wanted to be part of the “in” crowd and so I would venture a ride or two only to suffer for the rest of the day. It took a few years of this before I wised up and decided that the “in” crowd did not compare to not feeling like I wanted to heave my guts with every step I took. Surprisingly, I did not miss much when I begged off riding or swinging. I was still part of the “in” crowd and I did not have to sell my soul to be included.

Although those are great memories, I saved the best for last, Saturday trips to the beach. These moments defined us as a family. It was an all day affair. We would leave at 8:00 in the morning and get back around 9:00 at night. Everyone knew that the Dunham’s were spending the day at the beach. It was a love-hate relationship. I loved to go but hated the part when it came to getting in the water until I learned how to swim. That is another story in itself. We would wake early and help Nana and Grandpa get things together. All packed we climbed in and off we went. The beach had so much to offer, there was a playground, basketball court, skating on the boardwalk, stores with trinkets, and the beach replete with sand, sand, and more sand. I could never understand how no matter how or in what we wrapped the sandwiches or covered the potato salad sand made its way into the food. As the sun set with hues of orange and purple majesty, we packed up and made our way back into the city sleep long before hitting the expressway and dreaming of the fun we had that day. What I wouldn't give for one more day at the beach with my grandmother and grandfather, ah the memories of summer.

July Writing Romp - 30,000 in 31 days!!!

2011-07-06T14:40:00.003-04:00

Ack! I signed on to write 30,000 words in thirty-one days as part of a challenge to get me back in the saddle and writing again. Today is day six and this is my first entry. In all fairness, I have been writing an essay for school this past week that has consumed all of my time and it is finally nearing completion so I thought I would get started with my 1,000 words a day. If I push, I can make up for the time I have lost and still make the deadline without any worries so that is my game plan.

Prom 2011

2011-05-26T08:55:00.004-04:00

The dress, the shoes, the jewelry, the hair, the nails and where to eat. Who will drive, how late can we stay out and do you really have to know all the details. Cough, cough, a cloud of hair spray fills the bathroom, the smell of fingernail polish remover permeates the air and she wonders why she needs her inhaler. Safety pins, lotion, perfume, pocketbook, keys and don't forget the tickets and some money and out the door they go. My daughter and her BFF. Off to the prom. Her first and a sentimental milestone for me.

She had a great time. Lots of fun and memories to be shared for years to come and we get to do this all over again next year. Happy, happy, joy, joy, one of the things I so love about parenthood... the opportunity to re-live your life again vicariously through your kids.

Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-11T09:39:00.004-04:00

Happy Mother's Day shouts awakened me on Sunday as my three little ones plopped a tray on my lap with my Mother's Day breakfast. A bowl of raisin bran soggy and delicious, burnt toast with jelly - yum, yum, an orange and a glass of water. Who could ask for more? Hand made cards soon followed along with left over chocolate Easter bunnies as a "dessert" of sorts should I be so inclined. No thank you very much you may keep that for your afternoon snack.

What a great way to start the day and how wonderfully blessed am I that they took the initiative on their own to do this for me.

I am the recipient of unconditional love today and everyday from these little ones He has entrusted in my care. I am not worthy but I am basking in every moment that I have both good and bad.

In reality every day is Mother's Day for as long as you live once you have been blessed with a child in your life but it sure is nice when they take the time to say thanks and show a little appreciation for what I truly believe is one of the hardest jobs in life!

The Weekend

2011-04-17T15:29:00.004-04:00

Yesterday it rained most of the day as storms rolled through. I didn't mind because we needed the rain to wash the pollen away and I had school most of the day. Around 6:00pm the skies cleared up and the sun came out. It was a beautiful end to the day. This morning I awoke to birds chirping and bright sunshine. No signs lingered of yesterdays rain other than the branches that littered the yard. I went to church and enjoyed a service of praise and worship right out of Psalm 150. It was a glorious time. Afterwards we went to Home Depot and Lowes to get stuff for the house. As I sit in my new red Adirondack chair I am thrilled to be outside watching him cut the grass and work in the yard with minimal discomfort due to my allergies. I will need to start on dinner soon but first a small nap in the sun is in order.

How has your weekend been?

Back to school

2011-04-15T10:51:00.004-04:00

Today is the first “official” day of school although from my perspective it actually began two weeks ago at registration when we received our first cluster of homework. I’ve spent the past two weeks cranking out papers and reading nightly to be prepared for tonight. I’ve researched laptops as I need one exclusively for myself for school and the software needed. I’ve ordered books, learned that renting is definitely cheaper than buying and that you can get books electronically as well as hard copy.

It has been a flurry of busyness and I’ve enjoyed most of it. Every now and then fear has crept into the picture and I’ve had to squash it by reminding myself that I am not doing this alone. That God and I are on this journey and it will be all that He has designed it to be. I thought I’d be more apprehensive today but find that my level of excitement is increasing as the appointed time draws nearer. I’m thrilled at the prospect of meeting the teacher, my classmates and bonding over the next two days of class. I’m not even grumbling about having to give up my weekend to get started.

While I know I am prepared physically, I am praying daily for wisdom, knowledge and understanding so that I can absorb all that will be conveyed in a short period of time. Please pray for those things with me as I know that the prayers of others often carry me during my weakest moments and for that I am grateful.

Have a wonderfully blessed weekend.

Back in stride again

2011-04-15T10:48:00.002-04:00

I have missed writing. It seems like the hole in the dam got plugged and I couldn’t get it unstuck. So many thoughts swirling around in my head but I was unable to put them down on paper. It has been a busy time for us with the kids at school, activities on the weekends and living life daily. Work has really picked up and even consumed my evenings for a while there but those projects have come to an end and things are getting back to normal just in time for school to start. For the most part we have all been healthy; a few colds, coughs, and ear infections but nothing of major proportion. The flu skipped us on its second go round and for that we are thankful. The girls are growing by leaps and bounds. Inches up and out almost like plants they are growing with the seasons. Sprouting up in the spring just like my tulips in the front yard. I love the weather minus all the pollen and what it does to my allergies but the beauty that surrounds us is unparalleled. Bright pinks, yellows and oranges dot the neighborhood and the trees are blossoming white, pink and green. Spring has sprung and the temperatures are rising daily; almost a little too quickly. I’d love to have several weeks of the 70s before we start edging our way up to the 80s and 90s. Spring break is next week and this year the kids are really excited about it although we have no concrete plans for the time they are out. I will take a day or two off of work and spend time with them doing things locally but for the most part we’ll stay within the general vicinity of the house. I would like to take a trip down to the beach to see my grandmother but I’m not sure how that will pan out. We’ll play that one by ear. Gas prices have definitely put a damper on straying too far away from home although a visit is way overdue by my standards. I hope this is the beginning of being able to write again although my time is about to be consumed even more after this weekend doing homework and reading to prepare for class but I am at peace with it all and will take it one day at a time.

A reason to celebrate

2011-02-25T10:04:00.002-05:00

Eleven years ago today my body and mind were preparing themselves for the birth of my third child. I was big as a house with aches and pains all over as the moment came closer and closer. I went for my three mile walk or wobble as it was in the end and made it back without any issues. I had contractions off and on during the day but nothing that lasted very long. We were sure that she would make her appearance before the weekend was over but weren’t sure which day that would be.

I had said good-bye to my co-workers the previous day and had a long weekend to wait out the delivery. It was balmy for February and being outside seemed to be what gave me the most pleasure. Friday passed without incident but during my wobble on Saturday morning I sprung a slight leak and we knew time was very close. I wobbled home and rested the remainder of the morning only to wake from a nap around 2:00 in the afternoon and the leak had become a puddle so off we headed to the hospital. Contractions came on quick and hard every 7 minutes and we were navigating in Virginia Beach traffic trying to make it to the hospital. The doctor was on the golf course and so we made it to the hospital well ahead of him.

She didn’t wait long once we got there to make her appearance. At 3:33 p.m. she came flying into the world straight into the arms of the startled nurse after the first push. At 8 pounds 1 ounce she was my biggest one. The doctor arrived an hour after her birth and to this day she’s never been one to wait for any thing or any body. She wants it all now!

Flash forward eleven years and tomorrow we will celebrate her birthday with a bowling party of her closest friends and family. I can hardly wait; a bowling alley on a Saturday with screaming 10, 11 and 12 year old girls and boys. I wouldn’t trade it or her for anything in the world.

Happy Birthday my millennium baby!

Stepping out

2011-02-24T09:33:00.004-05:00

One giant step for me… I’m going back to college. I’ve filled out my application, got my letters of recommendation, applied for financial aid and am now waiting to hear back from my enrollment counselor as to next steps.

Work is supportive and will reimburse through their tuition reimbursement plan which is dependent on your grade like most programs but with an extra twist. They give you 100% if you get an A, 90% if you get a B, and 80% if you get a C. Sounds like extra incentive to work for that A as if I wouldn’t be doing that myself with my Type A personality.

I’m excited and a little scared at the same time. Do I know what I’ve gotten myself into? How will I juggle home, work and school? Do I have what it takes? Yes, I question whether or not the brain works like it used to or if I will struggle to make the grade. Nothing is taken for granted. I’ll need to be even more organized than I currently am and will have to learn to stay up late again for class and homework time once the kids are down for the night.

Prayers are greatly appreciated along with words of encouragement and support. I know I can’t do this alone so look out for more posts asking questions, seeking advice and even polling for answers to some of the questions I know my research will ask of me.

We can do this - God, me and my friends and family!

Thanks for your support.

She Rejoices!

2011-02-22T08:46:00.002-05:00

“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

Nothing can separate us from the love of God. Wow!

She rejoices in Gods love; His unyielding, unconditional love. While she yet daily walks in sin due to her carnal nature, He loves her. No greater joy does she feel than when she embraces the meaning of Romans 8:38-39 and allows it to ruminate in her spirit and flow out of her to all she comes in contact with.

Although she may not be all that she is destined to be she is loved all the while by God and no matter what she does, what she thinks and what she feels that may not be of God, He loves her anyway.

She rejoices in His unbridled love; won’t you?

Pepsi gone wild...

2011-02-15T10:23:00.003-05:00

Weight Watchers - Jennifer Hudson, Nutri-System - Marie Osmond, Jenny Craig - Valerie Bertinelli, and now Pepsi - The "Skinny" can. As if they didn’t have enough to keep them aware of their size, weight and popularity with celebrities hawking the latest diet program, our young women are now faced with their beverages defining who they are. Pepsi has decided to come out with a “thin” can to celebrate beauty and confidence. I say bologna. What does a thin can have to do with celebrating beauty and confidence? To me it sends a signal to our young women that they must be “skinny” to be considered beautiful and confident.

Pepsi Thin – According to PepsiCo, the "taller, sassier new Skinny Can" is a "celebration of beautiful, confident women" and will be available come March, alongside the classic can, which won't be going away.

This is not the first blunder Pepsi has had in recent weeks. During the Superbowl they ran a commercial during prime time for Pepsi One with the kids watching of a guy and a girl and the guy kept saying in his mind that he wanted to sleep with this girl. Try explaining to your 5 year old what he’s saying and why? Totally inappropriate.

As parents we must take a stand with companies like this and hold them accountable for their actions. We have the power and if we channel it correctly we have the ability to force them to make a change. Boycotting Pepsi and their products while conveying to them our displeasure is a very resourceful use of our power. I called and complained to Pepsi and they apologized for their actions and noted that they have placed the ad to run at a later time. This seems to make them believe that it solves the problem. True to their word I saw the commercial run at 10:00 pm last night when most children are asleep but the gist of the conversation still does not sit well with me. Sex is still the main focus of this commercial and likening soft drinks to sex is just wrong.

I will not buy their products because of this obvious breach of family values and this Pepsi Thin is just another reason to reinforce the idea of boycotting their products going forward.

Young women today have enough to deal with from TV, magazines, music and school (i.e. grades, popularity, bullying and peer pressure) getting even more from a soft drink company just isn’t acceptable. They struggle with self-esteem, perfectionism and fitting in on a daily basis. Life shouldn't be this hard. We need to counteract all this negativism with positive images of "real women" who are grounded in the fact that they look, act and think different yet they are confident in themselves regardless of what the media says is beautiful.

What are your thoughts?

Monday night chaos

2011-02-15T09:02:00.002-05:00

Hurried greetings as I walk in the door. Mom’s home. Footsteps coming from all different directions. Collective greeting. Happy Valentine’s Day hands thrusting homemade cards, cookies and various treats.

We take our neighbor her Valentine’s goodies. It’s a blustery evening as we traipse across the yard; be careful it is dark out. We arrive with peels of laughter as the wind blows us all over. Knocking on the door and calling out we see her just as she reaches for the knob. The fun begins and then it’s time for them to go home and have baths. I visit for awhile enjoying the peace and quiet and catching up on her daily life. All too soon I must return home and get things moving according to schedule.

Eek! Its 8:00 and no one is ready for bed, not one of them. Energy is in the air. The candy high has survived the bath routine and all I want to do is crash. Tired, so very tired and sore! What is this? My work out is paying off but I have a webcast I want/need to listen to. Can I get the peace and quiet I need?

In and out, up and down, water please, this hurts, that feels funny, I forgot to tell you something. Irritating little interruptions that some would find endearing but right now I’m finding annoying. Time for prayer, yeah maybe this will calm things down. Short and sweet, what’s up with that? We’re tired. Ah ha the sugar crash has begun. Tired little girls, all dressed up to enjoy their dreams, Tinkerbell, Disney Princesses and Ariel all tucked in.

Me, still in my work out clothes, past the sweating stage now I’m dry and smelly but I’m watching my webcast and relaxing for a few until the clothes that need to be folded and put away start to call me. A nice hot shower, a welcome relief from a long day and into bed I go. Nodding ever so slightly trying hard to stay awake until my Valentine comes home. Sleep wins out and I’m out like a light. What a day it was and I get to start all over again right now.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T15:18:00.003-05:00

God is love and love is God, from my perspective, the two are synonymous. God loved us so much that He sent His only begotten son down to Earth and sacrificed him so that we could come back to live with Him again. (John 3:16)

What love, what adoration, what longing to have an intimate relationship with us; and all he asks in return is that we love Him with all our heart, soul, and mind and our neighbor as our self. (Matthew 22:37-39)

Is that so hard to do? For some of us the answer is a resounding yes! Until we do a little self examination and hold ourselves up to the same light we hold everyone else to and realize just how guilty we are of the same things we accuse others of and withhold our love from them because of it.

How many times have we had to ask God to forgive us for the same thing over and over again? How often do we fallen short of the Ten Commandments? Do we have love for our neighbor as we do our selves or do we hold everyone to a double standard while we justify our reasons for our shortcomings?

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day, the day of love, take a moment and reflect on the relationships around you. Do you have that agape love for your fellow man or do you selfishly hold back for fear of rejection, hurt or pain? Do you love unconditionally in your marriage, friendships or relationships with your kids or do you dole out the love according to some gauge you have in your mind as to whether or not they have earned it?

After all, what have you done to earn the love of God? Nothing, every day we fall short and it is through Jesus that we have the opportunity to repent and start again. Mercy and grace anew each day because of the love He has for us.

So while you are in the mode of celebrating Valentine’s Day, purpose it in your heart to be move loving, more forgiving and less judgmental and withholding of what is so freely given to you whether you accept it or not. LOVE.

Let love motivate you today and everyday to be kinder, nicer, more caring and compassionate one to another and save a little chocolate for a rainy day.

Merry Go Round

2011-02-02T14:48:00.004-05:00

Why won't the words come? I'm trying to get my thoughts together but nothing is meshing right now. I'm being pulled in so many directions at this moment that I don't know which way is up.

People coming out of the woodwork stirring up memories of days long forgotten. Scabs being ripped off of wounds thought to be healed. Emotions running the gamut. My brain is working overtime trying to juggle it all.

Scared to stop for fear of what space I'll land on so I just keep spinning and I waiting for something to give.

I

2011-01-19T13:32:00.006-05:00

I live hard.

I love hard.

I play hard.

I throw caution to the wind.

I wear my heart shamelessly on my sleeve.

I believe that everyone (including myself) is inherently capable of goodness no matter what obstacles they face in life, no matter the trials, the bad examples and the trouble that has found them because that's how God designed us.

I have survived fatal fiery darts from the enemy but I have my share of scars where I have been skewered during my life.

I am in a flux.

I am afraid, determined, resigned, hopeless and hopeful.

I am waiting, wishing, fearful, dejected and confused.

I am NOT in control

I am desiring the best but willing to accept something less if it takes me away from where I am now...

Calling All Women

2011-01-18T09:24:00.004-05:00

Although this commentary from an unknown author is geared at women of color. I know for a fact that the biases, the jealousies and the actions imparted in this writing cross the color barrier. Every woman has faced these types of things but it has been publicized more predominately by women of color.

We can get along, we can have fulfilling relationships across all barriers of race, size, shape, nationality, religious belief and lifestyle choices. All of us at some point in our lives has needed, longed and prayed for someone (in the physical) to love, understand, and empathize with our situations; to give us a hug when we are hurting, a smile when we are down and a hand up when we have fallen down and can't get up by ourselves. In other words we have needed a true FRIEND/SISTER.

I hope you will read this and take away something that brings you to a different point in your life. One that says enough is enough and that you start making a difference in the lives of the women you come in contact with on a daily basis. Don't sit back and wait for someone else to start the new cycle. Let it begin with you and you and you...

Women of Color - Author Unknown

When I first heard of the movie "For Colored Girls" I got so excited. I had the idea of getting as many women together that I could think of to go see this movie. I had visions of group discussions and moments shared with one another that would lead to healing and growth. I guess I kind of imagined a Women's Empowerment Conference type of setting.

Well, after I shared my idea with a few women, reality set in and I realized that so many of us wouldn't be willing to participate for various reasons: You don't like me, you don't care for somebody I might invite, you only hang out with certain people, you don't understand the big deal about Tyler Perry making yet another movie about black people and our issues for all the world to see, you don't like crowds, so is too ghetto, such and such is too uppity etc... It has ALWAYS amazed me that we as black women are each others biggest critics. We are the quickest to bring each other down, find each others' faults and nit pick at a sister until she has nothing left, nothing left to give and then we step over her and call her worthless. We take the prettiest women and tear them down for thinking "they are cute" but turn around and dog the average sista because "she know she should take better care of herself than that - can't believe she got a man!" We call strong women female dogs and accuse weaker women of riding somebody else's coat tails. We tell a big sista to put down her burger and turn around and criticize a skinny woman for not picking one up. We ride the loud mouth woman for "talking too darn much" and likewise torment the quiet woman for "Being too quiet and needing to take up for herself" Sad part is we don't discriminate, we talk about everybody!!!

I've watched women dog out everybody from Oprah for catering to white people and Halle Berry for not being able to keep a man to young Willow Smith for acting too darn grown in her recent video. All of these females are successful and there is something about each one of them to be proud of but a lot of us can't seem to see that. I have to wonder since we all share a common thread (whether we want to admit it or not) is there something about ourselves that we don't like; what has happened to us that we cannot seem to get along? Why is that we fight amongst ourselves, backstab & steal each others men (only to find out we should have left him where we found him). We cannot seem to be unified to support and stick up for one another. Everybody seems to be out for themselves while other groups unite against us; but nobody else has to bring us down because we trample on the spirits of each other daily.

Even if you live in a mini mansion, drive a luxury car, have good credit, rich handsome husband, etc., this does not mean that you should look down your nose at the woman with 4 kids, no husband, living in income based housing struggling to keep her lights on. We ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, I had a woman whose child's father is MIA tell me that I should never complain because I receive a decent amount of child support and I laughed and let her know that I would gladly give every dime back if he would come relieve some of this overwhelming pressure of feeling inadequate as a parent. If I could get just one full night of sleep or not always be on the verge of losing my job because I'm the one that has to call off or leave work for one reason or another to accommodate my child - yeah he could DEFINITELY have his money if I could have some peace! Money alone doesn't make you happy (not true happiness), good credit doesn't keep you satisfied, beauty doesn't make you any less insecure, fame doesn't make you less vulnerable or cause you to be a good judge of character and being stuck up and mean doesn't keep you warm at night or prevent you from being lonely.

You don't know how the sista sitting right next to you could have carefully put on her make up this morning to hide the beating from last night. The teacher you handed your child over to this morning could have sent her children off to school from a dark house with empty bellies. The teller you just got rude with at the bank could know that today is her last day on her job and have no idea how she is going to survive past next weekend. The sista at the office that appears so busy could be typing her goodbyes to all the people that she loves because she plans to blow her brains out tonight after she tucks her babies into bed. The woman you pass in the hallway could be on her way to have an abortion because she fears what others might think or how the woman that sent you this e-mail may drink an over abundance of alcohol every night to mask the nightmares of an abusive childhood.

Ladies we HAVE TO DO BETTER!!! I'm not suggesting that we all like each other and be phony. But I am asking that we all try to respect each other. You HAVE NO IDEA what the next woman is going through, you don't know what past or current hurt and pains have shaped her into who she is today. We spend so much time trying to be as strong and hard as we are expected to be that we end up cracking from the inside out piece by piece. If we would spend 1/3 of the time we spend tearing each other down to build someone up, encourage someone, show someone some love, we could truly make a difference and save some one's life.

PLEASE don't be the straw that breaks another woman's back. Believe me when I tell you that there is a woman out there that needs your smile, your hug, your support, your prayers and your love.

"Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me." Matthew 25:40

Sea shells on the sea shore

2011-01-16T07:15:00.003-05:00

For several years I have collected sea shells from the various places I have visited and keep them in an aquarium. No fish, just sea shells. The shells that I collect are a wide variety of sizes, shapes and colors just like you would find on the beach with one big difference. Very few of my shells are whole or perfect. I didn’t realize it at first but over time I’ve noticed that the ones that I gravitate towards the most when I am out there collecting shells are the broken ones. Although they might be chipped or broken into lots of pieces I can still see their beauty and so I scoop them up and add them to my collection.

It took me a while to make the connection between the broken shells and me; but there is a connection. I think of myself as a broken person and so I can relate to the shells and what they represent to me. Just like I love those shells for what they are and can see the beauty in them I think about how God views me. Although I am broken down, have jagged edges and cracks in my foundation in all of my brokenness the beauty of God still shines through.

Although I may be battered, bruised and a little hard to look upon at times there is still some goodness there. I can radiate His goodness and mercy. Someone can look upon me and see the light He shines within me and find beauty just like I find in these broken shells that lay scattered on the beach. Others may not see them like I do just like others don’t see me for who I am but I know that God does and I am trying to embrace that and let my life reflect the mercy and grace He bestows upon me daily.

It's a wrap

2010-12-30T11:21:00.004-05:00

2010 is coming to a close and as I review the year I can honestly say it has been a bittersweet year. I lost a few people this year that caused me to stop in my tracks and take a time out to handle the weight of it all. I gained some people that have been a true blessing to my life and I've shed a few toxic people that were constantly dragging me down no matter what I did.

Overall it was a year filled with many life lessons, blessings, and promises of better things to come. I had a sabbatical that allowed me to work through some issues, reconcile myself to certain things that will always be my "thorn" as Paul so eloquently called his trial and purge my past from having control of my present and my future. My counseling is continuing to progress. I am doing well and things at home are going ok. My emotions aren’t running high and low like before. They are now on a even keel fluctuating ever so slightly depending on the events of the day but not out of control. I’ve pretty much stayed at a level place but am still struggling to find time in my busyness to write and release.

This was the first holiday season in several years that I haven’t stressed obsessively over money, the kids, and my family. I just accepted my limitations to do what I wanted for everyone and did what I could. In the end this turned into one of the best holidays we had because of it. It felt good to not have this great expectation hanging over my head but to look at things realistically and acknowledge that certain things weren’t going to happen. We enjoyed each other’s company, celebrating the birth of Christ and focusing in on giving not receiving. The kids were great and have enjoyed their time off from school but they are ready to go back now. I’m excited for the New Year and all the possibilities it holds. No resolutions this year but goals and dreams that are realistic and achievable. I didn’t go overboard and I’m not striving for perfection just forward progress.

I wish you all a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year!

And it came anyway

2010-12-22T15:50:00.005-05:00

One of my favorite Christmas cartoons is How the Grinch Stole Christmas closely followed by The Little Drummer Boy. It wasn't until I was an adult that I came to realize that these were the only two cartoons of my generation that depicted the meaning of Christmas as something other than gifts and toys from Santa Claus. It quietly made its way into the Grinch through the following passage and quickly became overshadowed by all the hoopla over the stuff being returned but it was enough for me to pick up on. My favorite quote from the movie is:

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

Guess what, it does... mean a whole lot more. In Luke 2:9-11 it is explained beautifully.

"And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord."

A Savior for all the people in the world. What a joyous blessing to behold. That is what Christmas is all about; not Frosty, Rudolf or Santa - not toys, electronics or clothes. It's much simpler than that but greater all the while. Life everlasting what joy to behold to know that one day every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess that the little babe born in a manger on Christmas is the Savior of the world and that is why we have celebrated Christmas.

Yes, Mr. Grinch Christmas means so much more than...things from a store. It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. It started in a manger surrounded by animals in the humblest of circumstances. The greatest gift of all a Savior was born and his name was Jesus Christ.

So while you are out hustling and bustling here, there and everywhere; picking up to put down, checking your list once, twice even three times to make sure you've included everyone and gotten everything thing take time to remember that Christmas will come anyway even if you haven't brought anything.

Merry Christmas everybody. May you remember the reason for the season this year and every year.

I did it! Nanowrimo Winner

2010-12-04T19:32:00.007-05:00

I did it, I did it! Imagine me doing the happy dance... I did it, I did it! I completed 50,000 words of my novel during the month of November. I actually had 58,000 words.

It was a very hard endeavor but I am glad that I stuck with it and got it started. I am no where near finished probably 1/3 of the way there but it is fully outlined and now I just need to fill in the blanks. I truly enjoyed it even on the days that I struggled to find the time and energy to write and especially when writer's block set in and I couldn't put a word on the blank page because my mind was as blank as the page. That was scary the first time it happened. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to write anymore but after two days the words started to come again and all was well.

I learned that sometimes you just have to let it go, walk away and try again another day and that it won't always flow the way you want. Some days I wanted to go left but the story went right and so I learned to go with the flow because that was when I got the best stuff.

I'm going to take a break from the book for a few weeks and then start back at my own pace. Who knows I might finish it next year this time as a Nanowrimo winner again.

His Guiding Hand

2010-11-21T06:33:00.005-05:00

I'm still in your presence, but you've taken my hand. You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then you bless me. Psalm 73:23-24 (MSG)

When two uncles and my dad died within six months of each other; when my child support ran dry; when life had me by the throat threatening to choke the life out of me, You were there holding my hand and waiting for me to acknowledge You as You led me out of the muck and mire but I lingered there for a while, basking in the moment. Yet you waited and finally when it threatened to swallow me whole and I cried out, you pulled me out, wiped me off and led me through the trial and into your glory.

Have you ever been bombarded by life's issues and felt lost and alone? That there was no one who understood how you felt or what was truly going on inside of you? I'm sure you have my friend and you are not alone. Not only have I but countless saints over the years have had moments of insecurity, hopelessness and feelings of loss and abandonment. The Word is filled with them, their stories and triumphs. There is hope; there is peace and comfort to be found.

The verses from today are the hope you need the next time you find yourself going through or perhaps stuck in the middle and you don't think you'll make it to shore.

Our heavenly Father wants you to know that He is there to guide you every step of the way if you but reach out your hand so that He may take it and walk you through. At times He may have to carry you but nevertheless, you are not alone in this journey. Won't you put your hand in His?

Dear God, it is my prayer that we seek you, the one who sticks closer than a brother during the dark and uncertain times in our life. Lord it is you who will bring us out on the other side replete with your blessings and for that we are grateful. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Psalm 32:8; Psalm 73:24; Isaiah 30:21; Proverbs 18:24; Matthew 7:7-8; Lamentations 3:41

Living Out Loud

2010-11-12T15:17:00.003-05:00

I’m alone, scared, hurt, tired, hungry, and angry; I am frustrated and overwhelmed. My life is not what I thought it would be or how I wanted it to be.

Failure seemed to lurk around every corner. Shame became my name and despair my constant companion. Everything I touched withered and died and my soul rotted from the inside out with bitterness and unforgiveness.

Lord do you hear me? How I long to surrender my all to you. Please take away these dark thoughts and replace them with your light. May my parched lips have a taste of your living water so that my thirst will be forever quenched? May your love, mercy and grace abide in me? Father won’t you let you Son intercede on my behalf so that I may bask in the glory of You.

This nightmare has turned into a new beginning, one that will get better with each step I take that brings me closer to You as I bask in the safety and comfort of your arms; praising you all the days of my life. I'll call out to you dear Lord to save me from myself, the enemy and these thoughts that threaten to consume me daily.

I know that with you all things are possible. I can’t do this alone but I can do this with you by my side. No longer will I suffer in silence dear Lord but I will shout it to the rafters that I need you and want your help. Oh dear God in heaven you have looked down and smiled upon me and turned my ashes into beauty.

I will not hide my light under a bushel but be like a light on a hill shining bright for all to see their way out of the darkness too.

Christmas & Holiday Cards from Shutterfly

2010-11-10T23:26:00.005-05:00

Hello all. It’s that time again… you know the time where you pull out all the family photos from all year long to see which one will go well on your Christmas card. And… when you can’t find just the right image you’ll head to the mall to have a picture taken.

Well once you’ve gotten the hard part out of the way head over to Shutterfly at www.shutterfly.com and check out over 400+ different card designs, 20 new calendar designs and more styles, colors and choices any one person can make. I love their new designs for 2010 and have already picked out three cards our family just have to do this year to accommodate all their different styles and personalities. I really love Family Wall in Red, Pretty Poinsettia Print, the Classic Red Squares and We Heart You. Hmmm wonder which ones we’ll go for… you’ll just have to wait and see.

Happy Christmas Card Shopping made easy at Shutterfly.com!

Check out the links below to get started on the most fun you’ll have all holiday season as we prepare to eat, drink and be merry in 2010.

• Christmas cards to http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards
• holiday cards to http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards
• Christmas photo cards to http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery
• wall calendars to http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars

My Fabulous 5

2010-11-10T09:54:00.004-05:00

By yourself you’re unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped. Ecclesiastes 4:12 (MSG)

In my devotional today by Melissa Taylor of Proverbs 31 Ministries she talked about Christian friendship and it’s foundation. This prompted me to review my friendships and see if they are founded on Christ and as it turns out I too have 5 fabulous friends that have been there for me in Christian love and friendship.

A friendship grounded in Christ is made up of 5 qualities that make the friendship solid. When a relationship is grounded in Christ, a new level of intimacy is achieved. We know what we say to each other is in Christian love, so we can say just about anything without fear of judgment or abandonment.

1. Love – we love each other unfailingly, the way Christ loves us. A true friend loves you even when you are unlovable.

I have been blessed to have friends who came to me at different stages in my life. One has been there all my life. She’s my sister but over the years she has become my friend. Although we have times when we disagree on things the love of Christ and family brings us back to each other. Another has hung in there with me since high school and although our lives have taken us on two separate paths it has always brought us back full circle as we have reached out to each other for love, support and accountability in our lives and relationships. The last three ladies came to me during the worse period of my life and when I could not do for myself or those in my care they stepped up and did what needed to be done but most of all they just loved on me until I could get myself back to accepting Christ’s love for myself.

2. Encouragement – we intentionally try to build each other up. I want these ladies to know I believe in them.

I love to encourage them and be encouraged by them. It’s like having your own little cheering team as you go through the challenges of life. I know that if I need a little kick in the butt to get me jump started with a little love mixed in that all I need to do is call on them. I love to let them know what they mean to me and how they have encouraged me in my life. They in turn encourage me when I am down and feeling as if I’m not making a difference. Their sphere of influence has been monumental to me as I’ve gone through some very challenging times while we have been friends. The greatest joy has come from knowing that they are just a phone call away night or day and I will have all the encouragement I needed and then some.

3. Forgiveness – forgiveness requires a loving heart and a lot of nerve. The Lord does not keep a record of our sins, and neither should we. Everyone needs forgiveness at some point.

Oh how true these words are because a misspoken word, a forgotten date, task or request can easily cause unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment. So often in friendships the forgiveness factor is a big thing over very little things. It is so very essential to keep it Christ centered. It is hard to have a friendship when another is harboring unforgiveness against the other(s). The ability for us to say “I’m sorry” and be greeted with a hug is huge. The fact that we trust each other enough to say my feelings have been hurt or I didn’t like it when you said or did x, y, or z is a true testament of Christ working on the inside of each of us. So often we are self-absorbed and don’t often pay attention to our words and the affects they have on those around us but in this friendship I feel that we do and our forgiveness is quick and sincere.

4. Accountability – we love each other enough to be real before each other. This is HARD! To give accountability you need to be honest, bold, available, and authentic. To receive it, you need to be humble, open and approachable. Not everyone wants accountability, but we all need it. In our group, we ask for accountability in certain areas of our lives.

We don’t seem to have a problem with this. In fact we look to each other as barometers on our “walking with God scale”. Whether spoken of in the group or individually we have each held the other accountable in loving actions and words. It is very HARD to approach someone and say “Hey you, you’re messing up at _________, and I’m a little worried but that’s when the love of Christ through the Holy Spirit takes over and lets it be received with the love and care it was said in. I want to know if I’m doing wrong in all aspects of my life. I may not like what they say but I receive it and when the time is right adjust things accordingly but what is really cool is that it never has to be confrontational it usually comes out during a conversation and indirectly pricks our heart for thought and prayer later to have the trueness of the words spoken revealed to us. Depression, guilt, dependence on a substance and how we are treating ourselves, our families and our spouses are not off limits. I for one welcome the probing of “what’s going on?” “Something’s not right,” because before I can answer them I have to acknowledge what is taking place within myself or my life and sometimes that is the first glimpse that I’ve gone astray and before I’ve gone to far I can turn things back around.

5. Service – I don’t know what I would do without the service these ladies have provided me with at key times in my life; meals, housecleaning, taking care of kids, a listening ear. Their service is love in action.

This is the area that my friends excel in. Service to me and my family is no light task. I have the most and neediest children out of the bunch. These women have loved them like their own as they have bathed, fed, read and tucked them in. My house has been cleaned and laundry has been folded and put away while I sat helpless to assist. Their ears have been talked off, yelled into and had words flung that no one but a Christ centered friend can handle spoken at them. I can’t thank them enough for their listening ears, their selfless service and their acts of service over and above the call of friendship. They are true examples to me and I hope that one day I can be as great of a friend in service as they have been, are and will be for many more years (I hope!) to come.

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

Giving up and breaking down

2010-11-06T13:07:00.006-04:00

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Six months ago I stopped having my quiet time with God. Prior to that I was up every morning at 5 or 5:30 spending 30 minutes to an hour reading, praying and pondering the things I had read. I kept a prayer journal of sorts and could track the effectiveness of my prayers but one day I allowed the enemy to whisper in my ear “Are you doing this because you want to or because you have to?” and that question was enough to make me stop and question my motives and fore go my quiet time to see if I had an answer.

It didn’t take long for me to continue to lie in the bed when my alarm went off to get an extra 30 minute to an hour of sleep and then when summer hit I would get up and go running through my neighborhood because it was light and I enjoyed the high that came from the exercise. I reasoned that I could take my lunch break and make it my quiet time but I didn’t have a specific time I went to lunch each day and I quickly forgot that idea. Occasionally I would remember the day’s devotional but first I’d have to go back and catch up on the days that had passed since the last time I read. I had left myself drift really far from that faithful servant who gave the first fruits of her day to her Lord and Savior and left home ready to tackle the world for my God and was quickly replaced by a burdened, burnt out, overwhelmed wreck who didn’t have the strength to tackle the day to day issues in my life much less the harder challenges that reared their heads during this time. I was lost and alone in the wilderness but too prideful to come before God, confess my sin, ask for forgiveness and rescue my quiet time with Him and the enemy reveled in this.

“The thief cometh not, but for to steal and to kill and to destroy…” John 10:10

Eventually it got so bad I had a break down because the enemy was wreaking havoc in my life and I was too weak to fight him off. I was close to throwing in the towel but God…

I couldn’t do it. I did as I was prompted and reached out for help. I called my doctor and counselor; I emailed my family and friends. I went to my husband and my mother telling them all that I was scared because I was ready to give up. I felt so lost that I couldn’t see a clear path to find my way back.

“Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. No one remembers you when he is dead. Who praises you from the grave? I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer.” Psalm 6:2-9

These past few weeks have been very difficult and I know I’m not out of the woods yet but I know that during this time when I am at my weakest and most vulnerable state my God will step up and carry me if he has to. He will hold me up until I am strong enough to stand on my own and He will surround me with people who can help lead me to the path He desires me to walk down.

“…, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Will I allow the enemy to talk me out of my relationship with God again? Prayerfully not! When I have questions about my faith and obedience I will take them to the Lord and together we will find an answer.

I learned that when I am weak and confused that I can turn to God for his strength. He is not the author of confusion but the giver of hope, life and light in a dark world.

Psalm 51; 1 Corinthian 14:33; Psalm 6:2-9; Psalm 91; Psalm 13;

The Word

2010-11-06T10:41:00.004-04:00

Lord your Word speaks to me. It soothes my soul and makes me desire to be in your presence continually. You are a great God full of love, compassion, goodness, grace and mercy.

Thanks be to you for sacrificing you only begotten son to die for me! Me Lord! He died for me! A sinner, while I was still yet a sinner and continue to be to this day, He died for me!

I know that you have me in the palm of your hand and you are watching over me. You will not let one hair on my head fall without it being part of your plan. Thank you Lord for watching over me so diligently these 46 years; you have been protecting me from the enemy and myself.

Oh Lord, my God, I desire to be all that you want me to be. I want to walk out these last days according to your will and not my own. I want to live for you Lord, for to live for self brings the desire to serve self and deny you. I want to be here until you call me home as it is written in your book. So wash me, purge me with hyssop and make me clean and whole once again.

This is my desire in Jesus' name. Amen

Psalms 51; Exodus 33:14; Psalms 29:11, Deuteronomy 33:25; Hebrews 13:20-21

Heartaches Take Time

2010-11-06T10:34:00.003-04:00

I have listened to this CD every night for the past two months as I fall asleep. I am trying to find my way back to Him. I am trying to make sense of it all. The songs and the spoken words on this CD are so awesome and inspiring that it is hard to remain stone cold as you listen to it over and over and over.

Here’s the description used on Amazon to describe the CD.

HEARTACHES TAKE TIME – Featuring Mike Shiflett & Terry Sharpe Life can change in the blink of an eye. It is during these time of heartache and crisis, when our world falls apart, and when the nights are darker than they have ever been, that we can experience God’s love in a deeper, more intimate way. Sometimes when our hearts are hurting, God speaks to us when we cannot utter a word or prayer. It is during this time that He comes to us through friends, family and strangers who care. But what happens when these caring people go home, as they should, and we are once again alone? This CD was created to be placed in the hands of someone going through heartache or needing a special time of reassurance. It acts as a reminder that we are never alone. God walks right beside us through the darkest valleys until we can reach higher ground. Whether you are experiencing the loss of someone you love, a separation or divorce, an injury, illness or addition, loss of a job or home, or receive some shocking news, these events may leave you devastated. Mike Shiflett’s strong tenor voice, accompanied by Terry Sharpe’s soothing words of comfort and hope, assures the listener that someone is praying for them as they begin a new chapter of life, traveling down a different road…a road of faith, hope and joy!

My favorite spoken word on there is the title piece “Heartaches Take Time”. I took the time to write out the words.

HEARTACHES TAKE TIME

By Mike Shiflett & Terry Sharpe

Heartaches do take time and it’s in these moments of brokenness we find ourselves hungering for healing. We’re desperately seeking meaning and direction from this pain which often leaves us feeling crushed and isolated.

I pray Gods mighty hand will offer you protection and the very angels of God will watch over you. He alone is the only one who fully understands where you are hurting; where you need healing and how to bring you hope. No one can fully recognize what you are feeling and what you are experiencing. Only you know the depth of your emotion. You own it. Your struggle right now is not to allow your heartache to own you. You have to walk into the valley, you’ve got to walk through it which means that you’re going to come out on the other side and God will be with you.

It takes healing, it takes hope and it takes time to know that you will be able to walk through it. And on days when you may feel that you can’t walk, know that it is then that God carries you. He will carry you until you have the wings to fly. When you see the dawning of a new day it is then His grace will surround you and you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that His wings of strength will protect you and his presence will be so close to you. It is then that you will be able to hear his whisper of assurance in your ear.

Often God sends godly people into our lives to give us direction and yes to walk down a different road. A road of strength, a road of hope, of new direction and a road of renewing who you are because God has created you to be uniquely you. He knows your name. He cares for you and He loves you.

I am trying to embrace those words. They are like salve on a wound but my heart and mind remain stubborn and try to blot out the feelings these words invoke. But I won’t be thwarted. I will continue to listen to this CD every night as I go to sleep and over time I know they will penetrate the dark recesses of my mind and I will know the truthfulness of it all and start the true healing and recovery process that only God can do in me.

If you know someone who is broken, hurting, lost or suffered from multiple losses this CD can soothe them and give them comfort while allowing His presence to do a mighty work on the inside of them. It’s work the cost to see the joy and peace come back into their lives.

He Will Carry You

2010-11-06T10:05:00.005-04:00

Another song on the CD Heartaches Take Time by Mike Shiflett & Terry Sharpe that inspired me to want to do what I needed to do to get myself and my life together. Knowing that He would carry me until I could stand on my own, that He could handle any problem that I had and would see me over the highest mountain and through the lowest valley gave me the extra strength needed to move forward.

This CD has brought me so much peace and understanding. It is full of the truth of God's goodness and mercy during difficult times in our life. If you have the chance to get it and add it to your collection you will definitely be blessed. It has caused me to search deep within and release a lot of hurts and fears over the past couple of months and I just have to share it.

He will carry you
By Mike Shiflett & Terry Sharpe

There is no problem too big God cannot solve it.
There is no mountain too tall He cannot move it.

There is no storm too dark God cannot calm it.
There is no sorrow too deep He cannot soothe it.

If he carried the weight of the world upon his shoulders I know my brother that He will carry you.
If He carried the weight of the world upon his shoulders I know my sister that He will carry you.
He said come unto me all who are weary and I will give you rest.

There is no problem too big God cannot solve it.
There is no mountain too tall He cannot move it.

There is no storm too dark God cannot calm it.
There is no sorrow too deep He cannot soothe it.

If he carried the weight of the world upon his shoulders I know my brother that He will carry you.
If He carried the weight of the world upon his shoulders I know my sister that He will carry you.

If he carried the weight of the world upon his shoulders I know my brother that He will carry you.
If He carried the weight of the world upon his shoulders I know my sister that He will carry you.

He will carry you. He will carry you.

A Writers' Retreat

2010-11-05T20:43:00.013-04:00

The Lake House Writers' Retreat at Chesapeake Bay, VA

Nothing prepared me for the beauty, the peace and the tranquility found in this little slice of heaven right here on Earth. I had the pleasure of spending a weekend at this retreat and it was absolutely one of the best places I've stayed on the East Coast in a very long time.

Pictures do not do justice in showing the peace and tranquility that is found there. I spent hours staring out and being inspired as the lake moved slowly and deliberately down it's chartered course.

To see the two men in the boat fishing was a joy. Although they didn't catch anything just watching them fellowship with each other brought joy and tears to my eyes. I could imagine my brother and father out there although, my father passed in June.

There is not a bad view in the whole house. I truly enjoyed the dining area and The Skipper Room which is where I had my quiet time with God and just felt His presence in that soothing and calming room.

It is truly a "retreat". One I will return to visit time and time again because I know what I found there is not something that can be found everywhere - a chance to be at one with God and to relish and partake of His beauty and bounteous blessings through nature while allowing my creative juices to flow unimpeded by the outside world.

To book your week or weekend at this magnificent place contact Charlyne Meinhard, Retreat Owner.

We the people...

2010-11-05T20:29:00.005-04:00

I’ve tried to stay out of the political fray these past 22 months and just let things be but this letter and the things that have been happening lately make it impossible to stay silent.

I am ashamed to be an American right now; ashamed of my fellow countrymen and the beliefs that make up the Constitution. The Constitution was a living, breathing moral compass written up by our forefathers to help establish . They had the mindset that as times changed the Constitution would change to keep up with the times. Instead we have taken that piece of paper and made it our Holy Grail and it’s truly a mockery of the times in which we live. Life in 1776 was nothing compared to life here in 2010 and most of the issues addressed are no longer realistic or relevant to our lifestyles. Depicting our president with his foot on the Constitution is a cruel joke as is how we go around mocking him in print, prose and theatrics. We should be applauding that fact that he is trying to make a change in this country from the archaic way we have been running our government since its inception.

I am in total agreement with, the Canadian journalist, William Thomas’ column from October 1 and take it a step further by saying if I were in Europe, Asia, South Africa, or South America I would look at the people with pity. We look like two opposing teams playing tug of war but instead of a flag in the middle you have the lives of the American people hanging in the balance and all you care about is who’s got the most votes in the house or the senate. I dare say we look like fools and make great fodder for their presses on our stupid antics.

If we spent as much time working on fixing the state of the economy as we spend debating who’s at fault for it, we might be further along in this recovery process. As a middle class citizen I struggle with all of this asinine petty bickering and am ready to fire all your asses and start from scratch. The Tea Party, which would now be considered the independent party, has gotten a strong hold now and so it is a three ring circus; such a pity and what a waste.

To liken the president to the anti-Christ or accuse him of being a Muslim is egregious on our part. We are slandering our own leader. set the tone for racial intolerance with the overthrowing of apartheid. We applauded and supported President Nelson Mandela when he took office. The people of did not do to Mandela what we have done to President Obama.

President Obama has reached out across all lines – party, political, racial and sexual and tried to include everyone in the process of rebuilding our country. We as a people have cloistered ourselves into those parties and turned our back on the hand that is trying to help us out not put us down. He’s reaching out a hand to help and we’re smacking it way. Well keep smacking it down and when the ship sinks and all the life jackets are gone you’ll find out just who is on your side. We are not invincible. We are not acting like world leaders; we are children squabbling in the sand box or boys in a pissing contest to see who can piss the greatest distance. All jokes aside, we need to let him do is job for the next two years with our support no matter what. All differences aside it’s time to pick ourselves up, dust off our clothes, shake hands and play nice. After all, he is our President and “We the people” put him in that position.

You should be hanging your head in shame but you are too proud, too arrogant and too stupid to see that the whole world is laughing at you and waiting and betting on when you will implode. You no longer represent the strongest nation in the world. You no longer set an example of freedom and democracy you are now hypocrites and what’s sad is you don’t even know it.

God bless America don't turn your back on us as we have certainly turned our back on you.

Dis-Obedience, Un-forgiveness, Busy-ness

2010-10-31T22:12:00.005-04:00

There are several things ruminating in my mind that I have struggled with so I just decided to put them out here just to get them out of there.

Disobedience, unforgiveness and busyness can weaken our relationship with God. I am a personal witness to this. As I've struggled with this off and on my entire life but especially in the past year or so. The busier I become the less time I have to spend with Him or in His Word. That allows disobedience to rear it's ugly head and then unforgiveness jumps on the wagon and I am so weighted down that I'm stuck and that is certainly where the enemy wants me to be. But being stuck doesn't have to last if I but come to Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit He will forgive me, and in my weakness strengthen me so that I can be used by Him so that He may get the glory as others see the changes in my life.

Disobedience provokes the following in God:

Anger - Psalm 78:10, 40 (NIV) "they did not keep God's covenant and refused to live by his law. " 40 "How often they rebelled against him in the desert and grieved him in the wasteland!"

Forfeits His favor - 1 Samuel 13:14 "But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people, because you have not kept the LORD's command." (Saul's fall from grace)

Deprived of His Promised blessings - Jeremiah 18:10 "...and if it does evil in my sight and does not obey me, then I will reconsider the good I had intended to do for it."

Brings a Curse - Deuteronomy 11:27-28 "the blessing if you obey the commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today; the curse if you disobey the commands of the LORD your God and turn from the way that I command you today by following other gods, which you have not known."

The Word gives up strict instruction on forgiveness - Matthew 26:28 This is my blood of the[a] covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.

Mark 2:5 When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven."

Mark 11:25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Luke 6:35-38;42 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ... How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Luke 7:47-48 Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."

Busyness was also an issue that the Lord had and He rebuked people because of it.

Luke 10:38-42 “Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and HEARD HIS WORD. But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him and said, LORD, doest thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? Bid her therefore that she help me. And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

Psalm 39:6 NLT "All our busy rushing ends in nothing."

Ecclesiastes 5:3 NLT "Too much activity gives you restless dreams; too many words make you a fool."

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. "

So, in other words, obedience, forgiveness and time spent daily with Him will strengthen and deepen our relationship with Him. And that is one of His greatest desires, to have an intimate relationship with us.

A novel is born

2010-10-31T21:59:00.005-04:00

I'm about to embark on a journey like never before. I am starting to write a novel. I am clueless on what I'm doing or how it's going to turn out but I'm willing to give it a try. November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo.org). It's where you sign up and agree to write 50,000 words in the month of November which is approximately 1,667 words a day. I have been challenged by several people to start writing a book since I am currently hosting 2 blogs and a forum.

I also figured since I was doing all this writing any way I might as well make it count for something. Besides CC has said that I write marvelously well and I should have written several books by now but maybe she'll settle for this one first and we'll see what comes next. Wish me well and keep me lifted in prayer that this will all work out for the good.

Hallow what?

2010-10-28T10:25:00.003-04:00

In a couple of days, all across America, there will be ghosts, goblins, princesses, fairies and all sorts of other scary creatures knocking on doors while the parents stand around talking about how much fun this is - NOT. As you open your door you will be greeted with the words 'trick or treat' and a bag, pillowcase, plastic pumpkin or even a shy little hand will be thrust at you for whatever goodies you are passing out. Some will be funny, some will be crying because they are just as scared of all the other costumes and people as they are of the stranger answering the door. While others will be serious and give you grief if you think that you can get away with giving them only one piece of candy.

And of course let us not forget the older kids with their tricks of egging houses and cars, stealing the little kids’ bags and other dastardly deeds all while at home the adults will be donning their costumes to head to Halloween parties all over the place. I think the adults enjoy this holiday much more than the children because it gives them a chance to cut loose, in costume - anonymous, drink too much and make absolute jerks of themselves all in the name of fun.

Me personally, I hate the holiday and don't participate. My kids will wind up at a Fall Festival activity of some sort adorned in last minute costumes thrown together out of their dress up box and my makeup kit. They will get lots of candy that I will promptly take away and feed to my co-workers shamelessly for about a week. And the next morning life will go on as usual.

Isn’t life grand…

On a Sabbatical

2010-10-28T10:05:00.005-04:00

Have you missed me as much as I've missed popping over here blogging? Have you wondered where I was and what was going on with the site? Or were you glad that I had stopped giving you my take on life?

Sorry to have dropped off the face of the earth like that but things got a little hairy for a while and I had to take a break and deal with them.

In fact, I am still dealing with them but I wanted to pop over here and let you know that I haven't forgotten about you. All is not lost.

My sabbatical will continue for a few more weeks but I will be posting here at least once a week during that time and look to be back up to speed by the Thanksgiving Holiday. Can you believe we are almost there right now?

Nevertheless, we will soon be back in the groove again. Until then I'll leave you once again but with a post about the upcoming pagan holiday Halloween.

Perfectionsm, cool give away and some inisght

2010-09-28T08:34:00.006-04:00

per·fec·tion·ism - noun: a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable especially : the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness.
Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2007 Merriam-Webster, Inc. Cite This Source

Rachel Olsen wrote about perfectionism and how it affects us on her blog and as part of the daily devotionals from Proverbs 31. She's giving away a Kindle 3 ebook reader for those interested in owning this totally awesome gadget in several different ways so pop over to her site and make sure you enter for a chance to win.

In the meantime, I too will be discussing my issues with perfectionism in hopes that what I learn from her this week I will be able to apply to my life which is anything but perfect right now on any front.

I was born with a perfectionist attitude. Perfection is my life's goal. I always felt that if I was perfect then everything in my world would be alright. I would have my mother's love, my parents would stay together, I would find someone that loved me for me and not what I could give them, etc. As I grew older it spilled over into my life with kids. If I was the most perfect mom in the world then I would have the best kids in the world.

At my job hearing good job isn't good enough. I don't take time to let those words seek in because I've already moved forward in my mind on how I could have made it better and what I will do next time. I see flaws everywhere I go and especially every time I look in the mirror.

No one is safe from me and my self-critical thinking in the pursuit of perfectionism and it's a sad, lonely, depressing way to live. Which is why I think I've spent the majority of my life wishing I was dead because I just knew I would never measure up to the idea of perfectionism I was born with. It is a daily struggle, sometimes hourly and even minute by minute depending on how far over the edge I've leaned.

Right now I'm in one of those places where I've leaned over so far that the slightest breeze might send me off the edge. I'm trying to seek help but you know what an ordeal that is in admitting that you can't cope or handle the issues and of course that is so far from perfectionism it's not funny. The issue really boils down to can I let go of my preconceived notions of perfectionism and the world's expectations of me and embrace the truth in the scripture reference or do I just give up and let go of the edge.

He Answered

2010-08-20T14:24:00.003-04:00

I posed the question earlier this week "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" and today my devotional answered that question explicitly. Directly to me for my purpose. I found myself re-reading it and shaking my head thinking "Wow, He really does know us and our needs." Today was just another confirmation that no matter what I think, feel or imagine in my small mind about myself and all the things I have done, thought or felt in my life there is one who looks beyond my faults, straight to my heart and knows the desires therein to be pleasing to Him, to serve Him and to be all that He desires me to be although I fall short time and time again. What a blessing these words were to me today and will be for many more to come.

I couldn't do justice in trying to tell you what the devotional said so I'm posting it here. No credit comes to me if it touches you as profoundly as it has touched me but to Sarah Young for her obedience in writing this wonderful book of devotionals (Jesus Calling) that continues to inspire and affirm God's love and desire for a deeper, more personal relationship with every single one of us.

Be blessed.

August 20

I Am A God Who Heals. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts, broken lives, and broken relationships. My very Presence has immense healing powers. You cannot live close to Me without experiencing some degree of healing. However, it is also true that you have not because you ask not. You receive the healing that flows naturally from My Presence, whether you seek it or not. But there is more-much more-available to those who ask.

The first step in receiving healing is to live ever so close to Me. The benefits of this practice are too numerous to list. As you grow more and more intimate with Me, I reveal My will to you more directly. When the time is right, I prompt you to ask for healing of some brokenness in you or in another person. The healing may be instantaneous, or it may be a process. That is up to Me. Your part is to trust Me fully and to thank Me for the restoration that has begun.

I rarely heal all the brokenness in a person's life. Even My servant Paul was told, "My grace is sufficient for you," when he sought healing for the thorn in his flesh. Nonetheless, much healing is available to those whose lives are intimately interwoven with Mine. Ask, and you will receive.

Psalm 103:3; James 4:2 (KJV); 2 Corinthians 12:7-9; Matthew 7:7

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?

2010-08-17T09:33:00.007-04:00

This song has been sung by many people over the years but in my opinion Al Green's version was the best. These words sum up how I'm feeling today as I navigate through a very difficult situation in the life of someone I care for very deeply.

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do.
I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, no one said a word about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

I am a fixer of broken things or at least that's what I try to be. I feel like that's what I do best - fix things, people, situations. It stems from being broken myself, being told that it (me & my life) was too broken to be fixed and not being able to fix myself.

My husband says I try to save the world but I don't think I'm that bad. I know I have limitations although I admit I don't always realize that I've stretched myself beyond them sometimes.

As a mom, I have spent so many days, weeks and years fixing my kids - bumps, bruises and scrapes; their stuff - broken bikes, trucks, trains and video games; and the messes - forgotten schoolwork, dented fenders, fights with friends. As they grew up, left home and ventured into the big bad world I've rushed to their side and helped put them and their lives back together again one piece at a time, one step at a time, one prayer at a time and for the most part it has been a successful partnership. But now they are at the age and point in their lives where they don't always want my help and when they do it's only for certain things but not others.

Lately, I keep finding myself in situations where as much as I would like to I can't fix the situation, the person or the things; they are greater than anything I, a mere human being with so many faults of my own, can do anything about. Nothing tears me up inside more than to see my children hurting and suffering because of choices that they have made and continue to make that create messes in their lives of monumental proportions that could have been avoided if only they had listened or allowed us to help. It is because of this my heart is broken. I feel stuck, useless and unable to move on; like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and its beating me down.

It's even more exasperating because I know that God can fix it, but without the permission of the parties involved he can't and he won't.

I know that at some point in our lives as parents we are to let our children go and let God but what mother can truly let go of her child. It is inherent in us to nurture, to love, to support and in my case to fix. But until they decide that they want my help to fix it or God finally figures out a way to help me accept that I can't always fix it, I have to step back and pray. Pray for safety, pray for guidance, pray for deliverance and pray for peace and healing of my heart that is broken as I watch my children teeter and totter on the brink of destruction as they gravitate toward the enticing yet harmful things this world is offering them.

Oh how I long for the days when they were two and three and I could grab them before they fell, steady them and set them back on the straight and narrow path out of harms way and into my outstretched arms waiting to love them and keep them safe.

It makes me ponder the depth of heartbreak our Father in heaven must feel as he sits high and looks low over us, watching as we boldly and brashly step out there making wrong choices and decisions daily breaking his heart and rejecting his offers to fix it.

Let the count down begin

2010-08-17T09:01:00.004-04:00

In 3 weeks my kids will be back in school! In 21 days they will be back in school. That is 504 hours or 30,240 minutes and if you really want to get technical in 1,814,400 seconds I will put the last child on the bus for school. Whew! Can ya'll see me doing the happy dance while tears are streaming down my face?! All of my kids will be in school. No more babies at home. Freedom!!! It's been a long time coming but it's just around the corner and I can hardly contain my excitement.

Now before you all burst into applause or start hating me because my home is finally empty during the day let's put this in perspective. There is a downside to all of this but I had to put the upside out there first.

I will have 4 kids in one school. You do the math when it comes to the first few days of paperwork times 4. And can I tell you what a nightmare that will be for back to school night, parent teacher conferences and a whole assortment of school activities? They will be in kindergarten, 1, 2 and 5th grade and each one is a milestone in itself so you can't discount one or the other. The really funny thing is that I have had a kid in this elementary school for 14 years. I've seen the staff come and go with the exception of the administrative assistant who has been there since the school was built and outlasted 4 different principals. I know the routine better than they do and we've become fixtures there. They know us and usually by the end of the school year they know our kids.

So over the next 3 weeks I will be packing backpacks, sorting through clothes, getting them back on their school schedule for getting up and going to bed and revving up the review of school work from last year so that they can hit the ground running and I can walk out the door smiling.

I thrive in a world of organization and order and I don't have to tell you that the summertime is anything but that. So yes, I'm happy that the time is winding down and life will soon get back to "normal" for us but I am saddened because my baby is heading off to school and thus closes another chapter in the book but also optimistic about this new phase our life is about to take because I know He has more good things in store for us as we continue to walk out this journey.

She Speaks! A Recap

2010-08-10T15:35:00.010-04:00

It's hard to believe that almost two weeks ago I was sitting in the lobby of the Embassy Suites hotel feeling like I had made the most horrific mistake of my life. At first it was fun watching everyone come and go but by the opening session I was deep in the throes of a panic attack in my mind of major proportion and my stomach was in knots. As I watched women of all sizes, shapes and colors flow back and forth through the lobby looking confident, secure and so well put together, even in their travel gear, I found myself comparing myself to them and feeling ever so inadequate. They exuded peace, joy, spirituality and confidence that I was not feeling. Had I not been dropped off by my husband and daughter I dare to think I would have hopped in the car and raced back to Richmond and the security of my own little world. After all, who in the world did I think I was or what right did I have to be there attending that conference. I just didn't feel like I belonged.

In the midst of this tangent going on in my head I had to change from my travel clothes to my conference clothes but I didn't have a room so I headed to the lobby restroom, squeezed into a stall and proceeded to change. It was tight, it was frustrating and I was already feeling so emotional that I thought this was going to do me in. As I stepped out of the stall I realized I was not alone. Out of the stall 3 doors down stepped an angel. My first smiling, friendly face and when she spoke to me my heart leaped. We chatted as we put on makeup and soon became fast buddies. Tammy Nischan was my first conference friend. I was thrilled. We parted and headed to our first session with a promise to hook up there and we did. She had to duck out early for a meeting with a publisher but she sure did help me settle my first round of nerves. We bumped into each other several times over the conference, had our picture taken together and promised to stay in touch and we will. I now have a friend in Kentucky and one of these days when that travel bugs hits me I'll hit the road and look her up. In the meantime thanks to modern technology we'll stay connected via our blogs, facebook and such.

After our first session we had a couple of hours to kill until time for the opening general session and so again I sat in the lobby waiting for the arrival of my roommate and a room to be assigned to us. We were late getting to the opening session as they had finally found a room for us at 3:55 and we took our stuff to the room before going. In the dark we found a seat at the front of the room next to the screens and the speakers. Up close and personal you could call it. Lysa Terkeurst gave the most awesome opening speech, the music was just right and the spirit was high in the room. I was overcome with emotion and feeling very lost and alone as the lights came up and I looked out over this sea of amazing women and thought wow, how awesome is this and in the same breath it was replaced with what are you doing here?

So here I am sitting at a table all alone, caught up in the spirit emotionally and Satan whispering to me when up comes Susanne Scheppmann and she speaks! to me! I tried to speak but all I could do was cry. The dam broke, the tears flowed, she hugged me while I gathered my wits about me and then we talked. She assured me that many of the women there probably felt the same way I did and that over the next two days I would be fine. She gave me her cell phone number and told me to call her if I needed further encouragement or just needed to talk, hugged me and sat down one table over. I had to pinch myself because I couldn't believe that she came up and talked to little ole me, held me while I sobbed into her shoulder and encouraged me in my moment of weakness. It was in that moment I knew I had stepped into something so much greater than I had ever imagined. True unconditional Christ like love in the flesh. These Proverbs 31 women were the real deal. I was flying high.

By that time my table started to fill up and I met 5 very nice ladies and we had a lovely dinner while talking about our families and lives and how excited we were to be at the conference. All of us were first timers except one. She was there for her second go round and just as excited as her first time. As the meal wound down and it was time to go our separate ways I got a little nervous about the speakers group. What would the group be like? Who would be in there? How would the three minute talk go? (I felt ill prepared even though it was my story) And last but not least, how I would measure up against them? I knew we were not supposed to be in competition but using the three minute exercise to break the ice to get us prepared for our five minute presentation but the flesh is weak and it was hard in such an emotional state to put it aside.

But ya'll can I tell you that God is so good and merciful. By the time we were done with our talks I knew that He hand picked everyone of those women for our group for reasons only He knows and the blessings from the introduction was upon us all. We came in strangers and left sisters with a deeper understanding of how God uses us in our weakness to get the glory and the honor. I felt like I could have stayed there and talked all night even though I was tired from a very long and emotional day. I couldn't wait for Saturday evening and our five minute speeches. I just knew that if they were half as powerful as Friday's we were in for a treat.

Saturday's sessions flowed like a well oiled engine. I met more spirit filled women, learned so much about speaking do's and don'ts but mostly just basked in the glory of God. I skipped two sessions to work on my speech and felt that I was ready no matter what but the funny thing is I didn't say a third of what I had rehearsed. The spirit rose up in me and that was the end of that. The words that came out of my mouth were his and his alone. I was just the vessel he chose at that moment to say what he wanted to say.

I was amazed at the breathe of experience in the room and how we had all blossomed into beautiful roses overnight. Everyone did a fantastic job and although our styles were different, our presentations and visual aids varied it was all just as he orchestrated it to be. Our dinner was fabulous. In fact, the food for the entire weekend was very good. But what was truly amazing were all the wonderful speakers they had lined up for us. We had Renee Swope, Lysa Terkeurst, Angela Thomas, Beth Moore and Karen Ehman for our general sessions and for the break outs I had the pleasure of hearing from Micca Campbell, Whitney Capp, Mary Beth Whalen and Rachel Olsen.

I had so much love, wisdom and knowledge poured into me those two days I could scarcely take it in. We closed out with a worship service on Sunday morning that began with a message from Beth Moore and ended with Karen Ehman. Our hearts were full. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. My evaluation group sat together one last time, we took pictures and exchanged our information. Zoe Elmore, our evaluator, offered us a guest spot on her blog over the next couple of months and I am thrilled and in awe of her request.

I look forward to continuing what God has started through the connections with these awesome women. I'm already gearing up for next year's conference and continuing this journey into this calling bigger, better and bolder than before. Although this conference was called She Speaks! HE SPOKE! and I was blessed to be on the receiving end of his words!

Family Reunion 2010

2010-08-10T12:35:00.007-04:00

Thurman Oliver Person and Thurman Oliver Person, Sr.

My grandmother Mary Person.

From back to front we have Thurman Person, James Person, Annie Person, Mary Person, Bobby Person, Mary Louise Person, Shirley Person, David Fowlkes, Michael Person and Yvonne Fowlkes.

This weekend we had our family reunion in Crewe, Virginia. This is where Thurman Oliver and Mary Person put down their roots and raised their family. It is where I grew up when we moved from New York to Virginia. And this is where the majority of the siblings make their home today.

We had a great time. There was good food, lots of fun and fellowship. We saw daughters, sons, nieces, nephews, cousins one, twice, three times removed that we hadn't seen in a long time. We had a video camera set up for everyone to leave a message or tell a favorite story to be shared at the next reunion. We had the family tree and a short lesson about where we came from. We ate and then had a family meeting complete with a testimonial period where we got to give thanks and praise to God who is the head of our family. We had a time of remembrance for those that have gone on ahead of us but are never forgotten. This was bittersweet as we have had a few links in the chain broken over the last 9 months and the pain is still fresh.

The kids ran around playing, singing, dancing and acting like kids do. And all too soon it was over. Time to put away the food, pack up the decorations and clean up. Addresses were exchanged and hugs and love abounded. Everyone left on a high note and plates of Aunt Marion's homemade cake for a late night dessert. As we got in our cars to go our separate ways a few of us were already planning what we would do next year and thinking about those that couldn't make it this year and praying that they will be there next year.

Despite being tired, my spirit was full. I felt blessed to be a part of this great family that still carries on the legacy of my grandfather. We are a family that prays together and it is through that prayer that we have stayed the course over the years. We love, we fuss, we fight, we have our disagreements as most every family does but in the end when it's all said and done we are there for one another and that's what it's all about. So I am grateful to my grandfather who ruled with an iron fist and a love of God that rivals no other I've experienced in my life. We grew up reverent and fearful and because of that we have been blessed and it is my prayer that the legacy of love for God, family and friends will continue to carry on for the future generations of the Person family. A family that prays together stays together.

"And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Bondservants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh, not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God. And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for[a] you serve the Lord Christ." Colossians 3:17-24 (NKJV)

Change

2010-08-09T22:42:00.003-04:00

The definition is of change is: to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to transform or convert.

I feel several different ways about change. They contradict each other but they are true nonetheless.

Change is good. It brings about lots of new opportunities; exciting adventures, growth and/or transformation into something greater than what you are.

I embrace change and look for it every where I go. As a type A personality change is paramount in my life because I’m always looking for ways to go from good, to better, to best in my quest for perfectionism.

On the other hand, change is hard, it’s scary and I run from it. Life is just fine the way it is so why do things have to change?

Change leaves me feeling lost, discombobulated and totally out of control. I know control is a perception and not a reality but change shatters that perception and I don’t like that.

My life has been fraught with change for the past 9 years. Some good, some bad, some necessary and some too painful to put into words, but change nonetheless.

I can’t say that I want things to go back the way they were but sometimes I long for things to slow down and stay the same just so I can catch my breath. Right now I feel as if my world is spinning out of control at the speed of sound and if it doesn’t stop soon and let me off I’m going to lose my cookies.

The past six weeks have been surreal. I woke up one day, went to work, got a call to come to the hospital and nothing has been the same since then. For 6 days we kept a bedside vigil for the shell of a man that would never have the opportunity to speak to us and impart his wisdom again. We disconnected life support and 20 minutes later my dad died. Not only did he die but a piece of each of us went with him. The most frustrating part of this is that we don’t know why and might never have an answer. We had a week to prepare for the funeral and there was a lot to be done including living our lives which most of us did on automatic pilot. Four weeks ago we put his body to rest in the family cemetery, had a repast at the church and friends and family went home, back to their lives and we were left to do the same except we can’t because life as we knew it doesn’t exist any longer.

Change had landed on my doorstep once again; uninvited, unwelcome and so very unfairly.

Yet I know that this change is meant to stretch me and take me to the next level. Greater dependence and trust in God. Instead of calling my dad each morning I will have to call on God. When I have something weighing heavy on me I can’t call the farm and get the voice of wisdom on all things in the earthly realm I’ll have to retreat to my quiet place and lay it all at the Master’s feet and allow him to minister to my soul, my ear gates and my eye gates. When I need comfort and solace or a swift kick in the rear to get me off my pity pot I’ll have to turn to God who will provide the necessary remedy and just when I think I can’t take anymore He will lift me up and carry me through until I am strong enough to stand again on my own just as He has done time and time again. I know these things, I trust these things but I still resist the changes that take place in my life that bring me back full circle into the arms of the one who is never changing and thankfully so.

Eleven days ago I experienced another change. A life affirming change that has been three years in the making. I attended the She Speaks! Conference in North Carolina hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries. It was a wonderful event. 600 women for all across the United States and Canada together for 2 full days of fellowship, teaching, training and change. I went from wondering to confirmation, from feeling out of place to feeling like I finally belonged. I felt an overwhelming rush of emotions that can only come from the Holy Spirit ministering to your soul and I felt release, healing and awakening. It was revealing and refreshing. I was renewed and inspired. It was a blessed time. I made new friends and reconnected with old ones and look forward to seeing how they will grow from here. The changes that took place this time around were the kind that challenge you to grow, to become, to do something a little different from what you normally would. It's the kind of change that beckons at you emotionally and spiritually. It's a call to change your life and live it to your God given potential.

It made me think about something I read by John Maxwell in his book "Thinking for a Change: 11 Ways Highly Successful People Approach Life and Work."

Thinking for a Change

1. Changing your thinking, changes your beliefs.

2. Changing your beliefs, changes your expectations.

3. Changing your expectations, changes your attitude

4. Changing your attitude, changes your behaviour.

5. When I change my behavior, I change my performance.

6. When I change my performance, I change my LIFE!

This is the kind of change I like. It's full of hope, it's full of promise but it is also dependent on me. So if nothing changes, nothing changes and the fault therein lies with me.

I don't like change, I like things to stay the same and I'm glad that my Heavenly Father is the unchangeable thing in my life.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8 (NLT)

I like knowing that no matter what I do or don't do that I have his unconditional love as a constant but when/if I do step out and make a change that puts me in tune to what He desires for my life I like knowing that there is a whole other world awaiting me. I can only imagine what blessings, adventures, and experiences that he desires for my life to have when I change my thinking, my beliefs, my expectations, my attitude, my behavior and my performance from my way to His way.

"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2 (NLT)

Under Attack

2010-07-26T11:34:00.004-04:00

In four days I will be in Concord, NC attending the She Speaks! Conference presented by Proverbs 31 Ministries. I have been prompted to attend this conference for the past three years and have never been able to pull it off due to scheduling, finances, childcare, etc. And finally this year it has all come together... almost. Can I tell you how busy the enemy is in my life right now. Do I even have to energy to list out the ways that he is attacking me? As you can imagine, some of the most off the wall things have taken place; are trying to trip me up and just flat out make me throw in the towel. The drama at my house has been incredible this past weekend and today is off to another great start but I will not be moved. I am going even if I have to put my thumb out there and hitch a ride!

I trust that God has this all worked out and that if I do my part then He has to do his. We have walked this path together to get to this point and I don't think for a second that he would bring me this far to leave me but the enemy is a formidable opponent and I can't let down my guard because if I do the results could be devastating.

With that said, please pray for me this week. Pray for my household, my children, my husband. Pray for peace in the midst of the chaos. Pray for wisdom and knowledge to discern what is the will of God and what is the trickery of the enemy. Pray for traveling safety. And last, but not least, pray for me.

Pray that as I put my speeches to bed that the words that I have come up with are the words that God has for me to share. That I will not be nervous and that the spirit will lead and guide me so that when I am presenting they will see God and not me. Pray that His light will shine through me and he will get the glory out of what I say. Pray that my ears, eyes and heart will be open and receptive to the teachings from the speakers, the judges and the 600 sisters in Christ who will be attending the conference with me this weekend.

Pray that I will be strengthened in my mind to let go and let God. That I will remain focused on Him during this week and not get caught up in everything that is happening all around me. Pray that I have the wherewithal to understand that I cannot change what is happening but I don't have to allow it to affect me, my focus and get me off track from where my mind should be. Pray that I won't let my emotions get the best of me and that as the week progresses that I will begin to have anticipation and joy about the good things that are awaiting me at the conference.

And while you are praying for me, know that I will be praying for you to help take the focus off of my situation and find peace in being of service to others.

The Battlefield of My Mind

2010-07-21T15:07:00.003-04:00

Right now my mind is a battlefield. My thoughts are at war with one another and with me. I have been unable to process what has been going on in my life for the past few weeks; unable to write my thoughts down for myself much less share with others and my lips won’t utter a word other than the daily routine of stuff that has to be spoken. My eyes are dry, my throat is parched and my soul twists and turns in agony. I am spent; drained of all energy and desire to move beyond the point I seem to be stuck at. I feel totally useless and yet because of who I know I am (a child of God) and whose I know I am, (I belong to Jesus Christ) I am trying to fight my way through this fog, into the light that is beckoning in the distance.

Proverbs 23:7 says “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.”

I don’t want to be what I think. I don’t want my life to reflect the internal battle that rages inside my head daily. Especially not now; right now I am being held prisoner by my thoughts. They are choking me, sucking the life right out of me and I feel powerless to stop them. I’ve been in this haze for a month now. I’m running, running, running and just when I think I can’t run any further I find myself continuing on. Fearful of what will happen if I stop. My thoughts are consuming me during the day while I work, do my daily activities and at night while I sleep depriving me of restful sleep and leaving me more tired when I wake up than when I laid down. Yet I can’t stop them or even corral them.

Fear, grief and confusion have risen up against me. The enemy is hitting me hard on all sides. I’m battling for my spiritual life and although the battle is not mine, at this moment, during this particular season, I feel like it is and I am helpless to stop it. Although I know what the Word says I am having a hard time applying that in my life right now.

For fear there is 2 Timothy 1:7 which says “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” And Romans 8:15 “For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!” and John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.”

For grief I turn to the Psalms 31:9 “Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.” And Proverbs 15:13 A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.

For confusion 1 Corinthians 14:33 “For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace…”

I feel like David as he poured out his anguish in the Psalms. Lost and crying out but my cries are silent. They don’t make it past my lips and certainly not to His ears. My heart is heavy; it is broken, ravaged with grief and pain. Fresh wounds have appeared from the recent losses of the and are pulling on the strings of familiar feelings from years gone by.

I know that this battle is spiritual. I know that He knows what is happening but I also know that I have to do my part to overcome this situation and that is where the trouble lies. I am paralyzed. I can’t seem to make myself reach out to Him who holds the key to my salvation.

I have read some of my favorite scriptures for solace but have come up dry. On bended knee I am silent, often angry, bitter and void. I am walking this minefield alone hoping to awake and find that the battle is over and I am rescued from this misery.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalms 18:2

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with
thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

But I know that my time is not at hand and I won't be going any where any time soon so I need to find a way to break out of this prison, open the gates and allow Him in so that he can do what needs to be done to help me move forward and find the peace that surpasses all understanding.

The Tongue Can Be Your Worst Enemy

2010-07-21T10:55:00.003-04:00

It took a long time for me to understand and accept this idea. First because we talk before we think and second because I never took the time to reason it out - put it to the test; but once I did, I realized just how true those words are.

In Proverbs 18:21 it says "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

I interpret that to mean you speak it and so it is. That's very powerful and scary at the same time. Enough so that I have made it a practice to hold my tongue before speaking because I don't want to say the wrong thing, plant the wrong seed or curse myself or someone else by speaking without giving thought to what I'm putting out there. But that is hard to do and I am not perfect so there are times when I slip up.

If I’m not careful I can get caught up in my emotions and in an effort to handle them say what is on my mind over and over without thought to who I’m speaking it to and the validity or truth of my words and I can end up hurting people or even myself. Yes, I can apologize but the words are out there and I can’t take them back. Even if they are not “hurtful” they may portray someone in a light to someone who doesn’t need to know specific details about that person and ruin a relationship or trust based on my words in the heat of the moment. That is a heavy burden to carry especially if you are unaware that you have done so.

Then there is the gossip piece. I don’t consider myself a gossiper and dislike it when people do it on a continuous basis but have come to the realization that even if I say something to someone just in passing I am gossiping and so I find myself not saying anything at all or taking it to God. I’ll rant and rave to him about things, people and situations much faster than I would to my husband, friends or family because He is my safety net. He won’t let me get too far out of control without reigning me back in and pointing out my own faults while I’m dishing out on someone else. He’s good like that and I appreciate it as much as I hate it because it is humbling but also true.

In Hebrews 12:6 it says: “For the LORD disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child."

And again in Proverbs 3:12 “For whom the LORD loves He reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.”

And finally in Revelation 3:19 “'Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.”

In the end I am grateful because I know that through his reproving and chastisement I grow closer to becoming what He desires me to be.

I don't know who wrote this but when it came in my mailbox this morning it brought this all to my mind. It definitely makes you think.

What are you saying and how is it affecting your life?

THE TONGUE CAN BE YOUR WORST ENEMY!

Your words, your dreams, and your thoughts have power to create conditions in your life.

What you speak about, you can bring about.

If you keep saying you can't stand your job, you might lose your job.

If you keep saying you can't stand your body, your body can become sick.

If you keep saying you can't stand your car, your car could be stolen or just stop operating.

If you keep saying you're broke, guess what? You'll always be broke.

If you keep saying you can't trust a man or trust a woman, you will always find someone in your life to hurt and betray you.

If you keep saying you can't find a job, you will remain unemployed.

If you keep saying you can't find someone to love you or believe in you, your very thought will attract more experiences to confirm your beliefs.

If you keep talking about a divorce or break up in a relationship, then you might end up with it.

Turn your thoughts and conversations around to be more positive and power packed with faith, hope, love and action.

Don't be afraid to believe that you can have what you want and deserve.

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for.

Thought I would share this with you.

"In the search for me, I discovered truth. In the search for truth, I discovered love. In the search for love, I discovered God. And in God, I have found everything."

Rest In Peace Dad

2010-07-10T21:46:00.003-04:00

On June 28, 2010 my dad passed after a brief and sudden illness. We put him to rest on July 7, 2010.

Thank you to everyone who sent cards, emails, and messages of comfort, care and concern. We have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and deeply touched to see what an impact our dad had on so many people.

Nothing can replace our dad but the memories we have will carry us until we meet again. "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." (2 Corinthians 5:8) We know that is where he is and we rejoice in this knowledge.

Rest in peace "Daddy Bill"

Tribute To Our Father

God sent you to us
You were His to take away
Although we hated to let you go
None of us came to stay
While you’re no longer in our midst
You’ll forever be in our heart
We’ll carry you around daily
And we’ll never be apart
You gave of yourself unselfishly
The leader God called you to be
Thanks for being the head of our house
And for loving us all unconditionally
Your smile, wit and laughter will be missed
Not to mention the bear hugs and the many cheeks kissed
As we reminisce through the shedding of tears
The wisdom you imparted will last us for years
Anonymous

We each had our own affectionate name for you
Pop, Daddy Bill, Dad, Papi and Papa Bill to name a few
You always lovingly answered to them all
Who will respond now when we call
You left quite a void that only one can fill
But we must be faithful and submit to His will
He will answer just as we’ve always heard
God will be our Father as He stated in His Word
You’ve been called to eternal rest
By the One who loved you best
Your work on Earth has come to an end
And we, your children, look forward to seeing you again
Lovingly submitted
The Children
Written by Kelly Gatling

Keeping it "real" for God

2010-06-16T22:08:00.006-04:00

I LOVE GOD. I love what He is doing with my life. However, I struggle daily with all that life can throw my way. This struggle can and does take me away from my purpose, allows me to get sidetracked, lost in the shuffle and totally out of reach with Him.

Can you relate? Paul could, he said this about his flesh and the struggles he encountered on his journey in Romans 7:15-25.

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

I know that we all have challenges and some of us handle them better than others. I truly believe that just as He gave us the Word to lead, guide and direct us that we as believers can come together and support one another through our daily challenges in life. One of the things that help me get back on track is having someone to share it with, to talk it out, to inspire, instill and guide me back to my center after I have taken it to God in the spiritual. He lets me know when I’m to “put it out there and seek the counsel of the godly” and He often puts them in my path.

As sisters in Christ, we can do that for one another. We should do that for one another.

So speak up, let us hear what issues are challenging you and let us all come together to help you work through it. One verse, one discussion, one day at a time…

I have started a forum over at Lefora. Click this link "Keeping it real for God" to come on over and take a look around, join and start a dialogue with the world.

Be blessed my sisters and please take the time to share the stories of your life; the good, the bad, the joy, the pain, the heartache and the beauty He has given you for all your ashes. Who knows, you may be able to help someone else in your sharing.

A boxing match called life

2010-06-16T20:24:00.003-04:00

It is a test of skill and will power. Sometimes the strongest man doesn't win but the smartest one does. The one who plans, strategizes and changes the plan to accommodate the strengths and weaknesses of his opponent. It's not always about the physical but the mental acumen of the fighter. If you can get inside your opponents head you can out smart, out wit or out fight them.

You have to become a master at the art of ducking, bobbing, and weaving to stay ahead of your opponent and then you have to implement the art of jabbing, upper cutting and landing those body shots that will wear your opponent out.

Our opponents in life are just like the opponents the fighter faces in the ring. Ever changing, shifting and in it for the long haul. From the ringing of the first bell (birth) to the ding of the final bell (death) it is a fight. We struggle with the first breath we take and at death there is a momentary struggle before it's sweet release. Along the way, somewhere between Rounds 1 - 12 we learn to master the art of offense and defense; the bobbing, weaving, jabbing and counter attacking.

But our fight is not our own. "...This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." (2 Chronicles 20:15)

Our opponent is not unknown to us either. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12)

His mission has been spelled out for all to understand and so has the plan to defeat him and the prize. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

Coming out

2010-06-09T08:36:00.004-04:00

I've outed myself to a fellow co-worker who shares my love for the written word. She has a couple of blogs herself that I've enjoyed reading. I appreciate her style of writing, her candor and her honesty which is why I was drawn to her at work. She's a bright spot in my day, a breath of fresh air and a wealth of information, which she is quick to share.

Our worlds are complete opposites but that could also explain the attraction. I get to view it from her perspective and vice versa. Although I believe I will get far more entertainment out of her world than she will from mine.

It felt good to talk to her about blogging, writing, our lives outside of work because at the end of the day when we leave our jobs we do have lives. We are not consumed by this 24/7. We don't eat, sleep and breathe work. In our roles as assistant's too often we work for and with people who's entire existence is wrapped up in their jobs. They cannot function without them. It has become who they are. Their jobs/positions are their identity. You know these people, they are the ones who introduce themselves with their titles and all of their conversations revolve around things they are doing for work.

I'm excited to have another connection in my other life that is walking down a similar path as I. Although a bit different. She's writing a novel. A HUGE undertaking; one that frightens me. I'm not ready for that just yet. I appreciate the blogging world too much with it's fluidness. A novel to me is constraining and we all know I am not one to be constrained. I don't think I have it in me to be that focused right now. I'm saving that for retirement.

Welcome to my world Leila.

My Girls

2010-06-07T22:05:00.005-04:00

I thought that since you get to read my rants about the girls that I would introduce them to you.

The youngest will go to school in the fall and so their dependence on me has dropped dramatically in some ways but increased tremendously in others. They are constantly fighting for my time and attention with each other and with my husband. They could care less about whether I am home or not until I go to my room and then they all converge upon it and interrupt what little free time we try to carve out for ourselves. He’s very gracious about it and tries to give me time with them but I am frustrated by it. My normal routine is to try to get 15 to 20 minutes of alone time when I get home to change, go to the bathroom, decompress and check in with my husband before taking turns with all five of them individually while juggling dinner, baths and bedtime and an additional 30-45 minutes of up and down time for water, bathroom runs, the I forgot you need to: sign this, read this or run to the store and buy that because I have to have it for school tomorrow episodes. Throw in temper tantrums; fights among siblings, the phone, the door and anything I might have planned for the evening and you have chaos in a not so orderly way.

I try to treat them fair across the board to a fault but again my background plays a big part in making sure they never feel less loved than the other, treated differently or singled out in a negative way. Even with all the checks and balances I have in place it never seems to be enough or work out smoothly and on any given day at the end of the evening I find myself sitting on the side of the bed drained and feeling like a failure in a very big way.

Raising these girls is harder than anything I have ever encountered because each one has their own unique set of issues that are very real and have to be addressed in very specific ways (therapy, medication, alternate behavior charts, etc.) so what works for one doesn’t work for the other and just because you master one doesn’t mean you’ll be so successful at the other. As they get older things only get more complicated.

My oldest girl is sixteen going on twelve. She's not motivated, doesn't want to grow up one day and acting too old on others. I have to remind her that I am the mother because she is quick to chime in and tell them what to do or not do even when I'm standing right there. We don't see eye to eye on what I let them do or not do because she uses her power over them to be her little slaves. She wants to be "ghetto" instead of herself and is often at odds with how she is being raised with how the world tells her to be. She loves God, going to church and has a good relationship with Him. But peer pressure is unbelievable. She finds herself surrounded by friends who have very casual attitudes about sex, school, and life in general. Her generation is one of sub par potential. They have been spoon-fed and seem to think that is how life really is. Her life has not been that way and she has been exposed to far more reality than the majority of them which is a challenge in itself. She had a very difficult relationship with my ex-husband but through it all the one thing she seems to have captured from him was his short temper and brisk dictator like demeanor. At times and I have to call her out on it and remind her that we have feelings and that her tone and the context of her words is not acceptable. We are fully entrenched in the PMS world of hormones and fluctuate monthly with the cravings, the tears, the drama and in the next moment she's sweet, loving and an absolute joy. Boys are on the perimeter and we intend to keep them there stressing that her education is first and foremost. Sometimes its a struggle to keep her focused and moving forward but I think that eventually she will turn the corner herself and find her own motivation but for now I'll continue to push and prod her along when I'm not wanting to choke her out because of the eye rolling, teeth sucking, nonchalant attitude she can invoke in the blink of an eye.

Our ten year old is scared of her own shadow. She has a lot of issues with being loved and self-esteem due to the constant badgering she received at the hands of her dad. She was his verbal whipping post. He never spoke to her about anything nice or positive. He constantly put her down and made her question whether or not she was lovable. We went through a year and a half of therapy and made great progress but at times it still comes back full throttle and we have to work through it again. They say that time heals all wounds and so I'm prayerful that she will be totally healed one day and not so insecure and needy. In the meantime, we try to work through it one day at a time. She used to be my shadow literally for the first seven years of her life. She clung to my legs constantly. The past three years have been better for her and she has broken away and is learning to let me go and explore her world outside of our home. She's smart, talented, beautiful and going through puberty. We have braces, an expander and the beginnings of acne. In the 4th grade schools start the discussion on sex education and puberty. Trying to tell a 10 year old about puberty as she cries and covers her eyes and ears because her older sister has given her sound bites about how awful it is and now she’s scared...frustrating. ARGGHH! She's a bowling wonder and an artistic prodigy. Watching her grow up is like watching a baby colt get it's legs after birth. It's a wobbly beginning but the way they grow and catch their stride in the end is amazing and I know that is how she will be when she gets older - amazing.

A beautiful baby, fat, chubby and full of herself. That was how you would describe our seven year old. Now she has the diagnosis of attachment disorder/adolescent bipolar. They are major issues within themselves but when you couple that with compulsive lying, sticky fingers, stranger danger and a blatant disregard for authority you have a child that the system is anxious to swallow up, put on drugs and lock away; but not on my watch. I believe that you can overcome what life has tossed your way if you have the right elements surrounding you and so I am working hard to connect with the right people, to set up the right boundaries and not give up on a child some people would be happy to put away and not deal with because every day is a challenge of some sort - getting dressed, riding the bus, respecting teachers, accepting consequences for actions at school, on the bus and at home. Homework is a 2 -4 hour ordeal sometimes more but other days it goes off without a hitch and we're only in the first grade. Never knowing what to expect but trying to maintain some sense of order is trying. Yet she is lovely, sweet and very kind and all she wants to your attention and will do whatever it takes to get it over and over and over again.

Having a six year old with Asperger's hasn't always been easy. But I took the time to research it and come up with a plan that I felt was right for us. Staying home with her for two years was one of those choices. I also chose right out of the bat to mainstream her and she has done very well. Not to say that we don't have our challenges but for the most part no one would know that she has it unless she finds herself in a situation that she can't control. Home is the "safe" place and so we get the brunt of her frustration. But that is ok if she can hold it together until she gets home. We limit her introductions to strange places and people, are always cognizant that loud noises and places can have varying affects on her and limit those situations when possible. She is smart beyond her years and was accepted into the gifted program at school but she has her routine and if you deviate from it too much there is hell to pay. Calming her down takes a lot more as she gets older and she can be a bit overbearing and obnoxious just because that is her personality. She knows what she knows, she wants what she wants and she is going to be sure that you are aware of it. She doesn't have a feel for intruding on your personal space and sometimes we have to reign her in from getting into people's faces and talking very loudly. But please, whatever you do, don't intrude on her. Don't touch her and don't approach her directly. Let her initiate contact. She is not aware of her "inside" and "outside" voice. She has a hard time with kids who do wrong because she will tell them that they are doing wrong and find an adult to tell too. She has a definite thing about that but is quick to find a way to cast the blame off of herself and onto someone else by manipulating the situation. Well advanced in her reasoning skills. She'll make a great lawyer.

My five year old is a itty bitty thing but also a great ball of fire. She is a mixture of her siblings. Every single one of them. She mimics their behaviors and that makes it difficult to know if she has issues or she's truly just mimicking to get attention. Once school starts for her and she has the opportunity to find herself we hope that she will morph into her own personality. In the meantime we try to disregard a lot of what she does and focus her back on what she needs to be doing. Acting like a five year old. She has various nicknames to explain her behavior and her personality. Pipsqueak, jack rabbit, munch, and booger. Trust me she has earned each one of them. She can't sit still for a hot second. She loves to draw, color, sing, dance and be the center of attention. She will also test you to your limits just to see what you will do. She has a great set of lungs and will scream her head off or cry at the drop of a hat if she thinks it will get her what she wants or out of whatever trouble she has gotten herself into. She is very indecisive to the point that you want to pull your hair out. If you give her a choice she truly struggles with what to do and instead will do neither one and you find yourself making the choice for her and of course it's not what she wants. She often opts to go to bed rather than eat her food, take a bath or do her work if she decides that she doesn't want to and then she will sit in her room and yell, cry or play with her imaginary friends. She is stubborn and can wait out the average person. Thank goodness my husband and I are not average so we usually win in the end but boy is it a struggle. In some ways I pity her teacher but I'm praying that school will be fun for her and she won't have these issues there.

I CANNOT relate to some of their issues. I was such a tomboy that many of these issues are foreign to me. I only had one best friend growing up who was similar to me and so we didn’t have the squabbles that they are encountering. Sure I argued with my sisters but we mostly just ignored each other or went our separate ways. I don’t care about shopping, dressing in the latest styles, hair, or keeping up with the Jones so they don't get any sympathy from me in that regard. I do, however, care about their relationship with God, who they perceive themselves to be, their grades, who their friends are, what they watch and listen to and how they present themselves inside and outside of the house. Definitely not typical of parents today and so they feel like it’s not fair. Fair or not that is how it has to be.

I find myself questioning how good I really am at this. Part of me knows I’m not half bad but the other half feels like there is a piece of me missing here that is needed to get through the next 15 years with these girls. I don’t know when it left, where it went or why after all we went through it got lost but my compassion, empathy, sympathy and patience have gone on an extended holiday and been replaced by guilt and fear and I don’t know how to reclaim them. I feel guilty about what we went through and fear our broken judicial system and the brokenness of my own spirit at the hands of my ex-husband and the ensuing trauma that took place after he left.

There are days I resent them and their dependence on me. I resent their differences, their neediness and their self assurance that I will take care of it. At times their issues flare up and become a constant reminder of my failure. I have taken the burden of all their issues and heaped them upon myself and am buckling under from the pressure of it all - all their hurts, real or imagined; all of their emotional issues – severe and mild, their physical ailments, I claim those too. If only I had… but I didn’t and I can’t go back and change it but I don’t know how to let it go either and move forward reclaiming all that was lost along the way. I don’t know how to turn it over to God and say “here it is Lord, it’s all in here – the hurt, pain, sorrow, grief, anger, bitterness, heartache, brokenness, failures, wrong thinking, feeling and self mutilation (mentally and spiritually). Have it all. Take it away completely this time. Heal me, make me whole again. So I pray. I read the scriptures and make them my own. I chant them, I memorize them and I try using them whenever I feel I'm hanging by a thread.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 (NKJV)

“That you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:22-24 (NKJV)

“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5 (NKJV)

And just as quickly as I release it all up to Him I find myself claiming it right back again as soon as the next drama unfolds.

Each day is a tug of war with God over these girls and their issues. I just want things to be well but I also want them to be well now. I am not without my faults and independence and impatience are at the top of the list.

Surrendering myself and all that is within me to Him and letting Him handle it is just as much an issue as dealing with the girls. But I know it is what I must do.

I hate my life

2010-05-26T12:21:00.004-04:00

I hate my life. I hate my life. I. Hate. My. Life. At this moment, I really do hate aspects of my life. My mind is in a bad place. I awake feeling this way and as the day progresses the feelings intensify.

I hate my house and dread returning there each night. The minute I walk through the door it’s like a cloak of discontentment, anger and frustration envelop me and I can’t shake it off. I physically feel weighted down, sick and drained. I find no comfort in any space in the house. I just want to be out of there; away from it all, the physical house and yes, even the occupants that reside there.

There is so much that needs to be done and we lack the financial resources and manpower to do most of it. There are projects in various stages of completion but nothing is done, finished, complete; and it’s about to drive me crazy. The tile in the downstairs bathroom needs to be finished up and then grouted. Our shower doesn’t work you have to turn the water on/off in the closet every day to take a shower, the sink has a hole beside the drain, the toilet needs to be flushed 2 times to make a complete flush and then it runs forever, there’s mold in the bathroom that multiplies over night and drives my allergies crazy and two people cannot be in there at the same time it’s too small. The garage is a complete mess. Stuff is everywhere. The office has become the dumping ground for everything that doesn’t have a place. The basement is still incomplete. I’d prefer to have the wood walls back than to continue to go down there every day and see it sheet rocked but an incomplete mess. I don’t want to see unfinished this and that. I just want something in my life to be complete.

I’m frustrated at the constant state of messiness that seems to prevail no matter how much I clean. I vacuum and a couple of hours later you can’t tell. I fold the clothes, put them in their rooms and ask them to put them away and then I see clothes everywhere; hanging out of drawers, stuffed in closets but not where they need to be and not neat. The kitchen is a perpetual mess and repeated attempts to show how it should be cleaned and threats on what will be done if it’s not are useless. They just don’t care. The hall bathroom is a breeding ground for all things unhealthy and gross. I can wipe it down and come back in a matter of minutes and find toothpaste, snot or something else smeared on a wall, a seat or the floor. The mirror is covered with toothpaste spittle and fingerprints. Lotion and hair detangler puddles litter the counter tops. The ring in the bathtub smiles at me daily and no one knows what a toilet brush is for and if they do, they consider it an annual event not a weekly one. Their rooms are a mess and weekly cleanings are a joke. They mess it up daily and if we didn't say anything it would stay that way. It's like they are oblivious to any kind of a mess.

Right now I don’t feel like a very good mother. In fact, I feel like I don’t want to be a mother at all. I am so frustrated with them that I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to see them, talk to them and definitely don’t want to hear them call my name. I cringe and ball up my fist every time one of them approaches me for anything which is constantly. I don’t want to do it. I just don’t want to be there with them. It’s too hard. Right now I’m in a place where I can’t separate how I’m feeling from what I need to be doing. I want to pull the plug and say I’ve had enough. Never have I felt so much like a failure but these girls have certainly worked me into a state that has made me feel that way.

Everyone looks at them and comments on how beautiful they are, how healthy and happy they look and what great girls they are but no one knows the hell that goes on in our home on a daily basis. They constantly fight with one another; they are selfish, they lack respect for self and others. I can’t take it. I’ve never experienced anything like it in my life and I’m drained from it all. The lies, the crying, the lack of motivation, the lack of self-discipline, the “me, me, me” factor, it’s enough to make you want to shoot yourself. Every day we have drama. Every day we have tears. Every day someone is not happy about something and wants everyone else to feel their discontentment. Every day. I’ve had enough of every days. I’ve talked, I’ve prayed, I’ve yelled, threatened and even spanked. Nothing is changing, nothing is getting better. They are all piggy backing off of one another and I don’t have the energy, the mindset, the stamina to deal with them. I’m done; truly, utterly spent. I want to walk away and not look back.

Yet each day I get up, get dressed and go to work for them. I fret and worry about how I’m going to take care of them. I lay awake thinking about keeping a roof over their heads, clothes on their back, food on the table for them to eat and take to school for lunch. I rob Peter to pay Paul for their activities, their basic daily needs and wants and have to ask myself why? They don’t care. They are the most ungrateful bunch of kids you ever want to meet. They want, they need and if they don’t get they cry, they whine and they try to make everyone around them miserable. It is just not right but I don’t know what to do to make it right.

I love them but I don’t like them. Not one of them. And that makes me not like myself and who I’ve become. The one thing that used to bring me so much joy is now the bane of my existence. Motherhood is now a dirty word. I don’t want to be a mom anymore. I don’t want to go through this, to feel like this, so utterly defeated by these children. They are like leeches and have sucked every ounce of love, energy, compassion, and life right out of me. No amount of discipline seems to work, no amount of talking, charting behaviors, rewarding good and ignoring bad has had an impact.

How did things get like this and how do we change them? How can I stop feeling this way? How can I gain a sense of control and regain the love, compassion and joy I felt about being a mother?

I called my counselor today and she assured me that what I’m feeling is normal, even typical and were she in my shoes she would have jumped off a cliff a long time ago. She reassured me that I was not crazy or losing my mind and that yes, “this too shall pass”. She also applauded me for my honesty. She said too often we walk around with these feelings bottled up and they push us to the limit but that I am acknowledging them, releasing them and trying to understand them and that is important. That if more women shared what they felt, experienced and lived through that we would be a better world because of it. No one wants to feel like this and think they are alone. No one wants the added weight of “is this normal, am I ok” wafting over them while dealing with the every day drama of life. She told me I had graduated and didn’t need to come in for a session because I knew what the issues were and would find my way through them. She has faith and confidence in me that I will win this war but in the process I might lose a battle or two and that is ok.

Five girls bring a lot of hormones in the mix and some of the issues they have that we deal with on a daily basis are fuel to the fire. They are in essence feeding off of each other’s issues and thus we have a snowball effect. Her advice: Take a break, get away as often as you can and don’t let them drag you into their mess. State your rules and consequences and stick with them no matter how they react. Eventually, they will come around but not all at the same time. So in essence, this will continue until the last one leaves home. Sigh.

“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come. Nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39 (NKJV)

And yes, this includes my children!

What I need are a few good prayer warriors who will pray with me and for me and these girls on a daily basis. Pray that they start to control their emotions, that they have listening ears and loving hearts. That they will not only do as I say, but do as I do. Put God first, start each day with thanks to Him, love unconditionally, share, be their sisters’ best friends and stop all the “hating” that they keep heaping on each other. Pray for peace and harmony in my home and in my heart and mind and pray that God keeps me through this time in my life. I know that greater things are in store and that I will look back on these days and be able to laugh about them especially when they have kids of their own and are complaining to me but right here, right now, it’s not fun.

I will be praying for wisdom, knowledge and understanding of these “aliens” who have invaded my children’s bodies. I know that we did not give my mom a 10th of the drama that I get from these girls, partly out of fear for our lives but also because we respected ourselves and our home. But I am also mindful of their issues and the circumstances of their lives that have made part of this dilemma what it is and I am praying that they can be healed of these issues as well. I know that prayer is the greatest thing I can do at this point and I will be on my face daily about this situation. I know the changes won’t happen over night but I do know that they can and will over time.

“Hear my prayer, O LORD, Give ear to my supplications! In Your faithfulness answer me, And in Your righteousness.” Psalm 143:1 (NKJV)

Feelings vs. Action

2010-05-21T16:40:00.001-04:00

Dictionary.com gives the following definitions for feeling and action:

Action –noun: the process or state of acting or of being active: something done or performed; act; deed. An act that one consciously wills and that may be characterized by physical or mental activity.

Feeling –noun: the general state of consciousness considered independently of particular sensations, thoughts, etc. ;a consciousness or vague awareness; an emotion or emotional perception or attitude; capacity for emotion, esp. compassion; a sentiment; attitude; opinion; feelings, sensibilities; susceptibilities; fine emotional endowment.

I feel like crying, tossing in the towel and giving up. Instead I read my scriptures, pull up my britches, put a smile on my face and go out and do what needs to be done.

I feel like screaming and breaking things, I choose to take a walk around the neighborhood until I feel calm enough to return to the house.

I feel like staying home from work today and calling in sick, I choose to get up, take a shower, get dressed and go to work and make it a good day.

I feel, I feel, and I feel. Sound familiar? How often do we feel one way but have to choose to act just the opposite? Daily, is my response. I battle between my feelings and my actions every single day. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose but in the end the blame falls squarely on my shoulders. If I let my feelings get the best of me I know it is because I chose to let that happen. Thankfully I can repent and through God’s grace and mercy I am blessed to live to see another day wherein I can control better the feelings and allow my actions to govern the day.

Not everyone does this though. Thousand of people get up each day feeling sad, depressed, angry, and out of sorts. They walk around taking their feelings out on the unsuspecting stranger that crosses their path at the wrong time, or the one who switches lanes without a signal light, or who can’t find their wallet and is holding up the line at the grocery store. You get the gist. We have been on both sides of the equation, the feeling and the acting.

How do we keep ourselves from crossing that line? For me, I have to pray, constantly and continuously. I have a running dialogue in my head telling myself that just because I feel one way doesn’t mean I get to act it out. I have to choose the right, the best, and the most appropriate action based on my godly principles not my fleshy feelings.

In God's lap

2010-05-21T12:22:00.002-04:00

I've had a very difficult week. Every day so far has brought it's fair share of challenges whether they be financial, physical or emotional. They have been enough to bring me down into the pit of anger, frustration, sorrow, self-pity and plain old emotional despair. During it all, I've been asking God for the answer to each of the situations and in my impatience and blindness due to the flesh being stronger than the spirit I've felt alone, lost and forgotten.

Often times when I look to God for answers, I find myself expecting His response to come in a particular way; overlooking what is right before me, whether it be in the Word, in the people he surrounds me with and even within myself. In my longing for answers, in my desire to get over the hurdles or out of the pit of despair, I have failed to take stock in the situation and appreciate it for what it is... an opportunity to get closer to Him. To allow Him to minister to me; to take me right here at my weakest point and make me strong in Him through my complete surrender to Him. It is during this time that I need to run towards him throwing my arms around his legs and embracing him. Feeling his presence and allowing his comfort and peace to soak into my wounds and soothe my fears. It is during this time that I need to crawl up into his lap and allow his arms to embrace me, stroke me and hold me until my cup is full and I can face the world and whatever it throws at me knowing I will not face it alone.

Three times this week He has revealed this to me and I have been blind to it. But when I received this devotional the light bulb went on and I got it! Truly got it. These words were spoken to me and I received them just as they were presented. No second guessing, no doubting and not in haste. I read it, re-read it and then went to her blog to further explore what else she was revealing and I was mightily blessed.

Have the situations of the week changed, disappeared or gotten better? No.

Do I have the answers or know what tomorrow will bring? No.

But I don't have to worry because the Father knows and He will take care of it. As for me, I'm going to continue sitting in His lap this weekend basking in the joy of Him and all He has to offer me.

I pray you are blessed in whatever you do and that these words will speak to your heart too.

For additional comments hop over to Lynn's blog.

Climb Up in His Lap
19 May 2010
Lynn Cowell

"..Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure, in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." Deuteronomy 33:12 (NIV)

I thought I lost it!

I thought I lost one of the only things on this planet that is important to me: a delicate necklace that my husband gave me for our twentieth wedding anniversary. I looked on my necktie-turned-necklace rack. Not there. I unpacked my makeshift jewelry bag from my last trip. Not there. Was it stolen from our hotel room? I pulled out all my earrings. Not there. My heart was trying so hard to panic, but I knew I didn't want to go there. Still, I could never replace this necklace. I prayed. Even though it is an earthly possession, I knew Jesus would care about me.I had the thought...go back and check again. There, hidden behind a bulky set of baubles, I caught a twinkle. My small jewel.

Some days, I feel like I have lost things much greater to me than my pendant. I miss my father who went to be home with Jesus. I miss dear friendships from my old town that just aren't the same on FaceBook. I miss times when life was simpler - little children laughing and playing. I miss my old body and energy level!Do you have days when you mourn the loss of something important to you? A marriage that is no longer? A friend who moved away? A child gone astray? A parent who passed?

The writer of Psalm 73 certainly felt loss. Starting in verse 2 he says, "But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold." He goes on speaking of the struggle he feels as he looks at those around him who seemed to have it all together. Then in verse 23 his heart comes back around to the truth about God: "Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

The writer says, "I almost lost it! But then I remembered who I am; like a child with his father, you take my hand. I remembered who You are. You are all that I need." He laid aside his pain as God's strength came in with comfort and strength. Fear and frustration became faith.Sometimes, pain or uncomfortable circumstances try to block us from seeing our treasured thing. It is hard to see God at work. We may think that we won't experience love again or that a relationship we treasured can never be restored. That is when we need our faith to help us to keep believing that God is in our situation and He will help us to find His treasures again.

Maybe you have experienced a loss, or maybe like my delicate necklace behind the hefty beads, you just can't see the good because of the bigger-than-life things that surround you. Breathe deep and take a moment to pray. Deuteronomy 33:12 says we are to rest between his shoulders. You know what is right between his shoulders? His heart! That is a place of peace, warmth and love. He wants to pull you into His lap so you can find the rest and peace you need for today.

Dear Lord, sometimes my sense of loss is a dull ache, other days it threatens to engulf me and I feel like I can hardly breathe. Today, Lord, I choose to climb in Your lap and lean against Your heart and find comfort in You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Bring what you have

2010-05-12T11:33:00.004-04:00

The responses for sponsorship to the She Speaks! conference in July have been good. I'm truly humbled by those that have offered to assist in raising the money needed to attend this conference. I approached this assignment with much fear and trepidation because it has never been easy for me to ask for help. I have always preferred to be the one giving it. However, I knew that the only way I could make this journey would be to step out on faith, put it out there and let it reach the masses. It was my time to offer other's the opportunity to sow into something so much greater than I, His Kingdom. I know that this is His will for my life and the opportunity is now. I have to be obedient to His call.

The one common thread in every one's response has been. "I don't have much, but I will send what I can."

These words have pricked the deepest recesses of my heart for I know how it feels to want to do something but felt that what little I had to offer couldn't make a difference and so I did nothing at all which led to me feeling even worse because of my lack of action. I must tell you that nothing could be further from the truth.

The God we serve is an awesome God and nothing is impossible for our God according to his word.

"For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37(NIV)

Jesus replied, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." Luke 18:27(NIV)

Our God parted the Red Sea, saved Daniel in the lions den, healed the lepers and raised Lazarus from the dead. He blessed the widows oil to fill all the vessels and not run out.

If he could do all of that for them then why can't he take what little you have to offer me and not bless it to be what it needs to be? I know that He can and He will.

Karen Ehman of Proverbs 31 broke it down in this devotional in such a way that put it into perspective for me. I have linked her blog to this so you can read the entire devotional but this piece was what stirred things up for me.

'"How many loaves do you have?' he asked. 'Go and see.' When they found out, they said, 'Five—and two fish.'" Mark 6:38 (NIV)

In Mark 6:35-44, Jesus performs the miracle of feeding the 5000 men. The disciples told Him that they didn't have enough to feed the crowd. They were ready to give up. I love the question that He asks them in our verse today: "Well, what do you have? Go and see." When they turned over what they did have to Him, He was able to multiply it beyond what they could have imagined.

So many times I come to Him and say the same: "I just have this little tiny bit...of money, of time, of resources, of energy."

And He says, "Bring what you have to me. That's all I ask. Let me take care of it from here."

So I ask what little you might have to give? You might not be able to give $1000. But you could give $10. You might not be able to pledge hours and hours to serve at church. But you can serve once a month for one hour. You might not feel comfortable speaking to crowds. But you're great at sharing what God's doing in your life one-on-one. You might not be able to lead a prayer ministry. But you can pray for a friend who needs it, even if it seems like you're too late.

Let God take your little and make it much.

http://www.proverbs31.org/speakingministry/speakerteam/MaryBethWhalen.php

Thank you for your little. I am watching Him make it much!

God bless.

So Amazing

2010-05-12T10:30:00.005-04:00

We serve an awesome God. He is truly amazing. I marvel daily at all the ways in which He chooses to interact in my life. I awake each morning to a new day, a new chance to walk a little closer to Him and fulfill my purpose here. Mercy and grace anew each day is his promise to us and I bask in that knowledge. Some days I've used my quota before getting to work and others I feel that I've done pretty good at the end of the day by way of purposing my life, my thoughts and my actions to be mindful of His mercy and grace throughout the day.

As I take my morning walks and soak in all He has given us it leaves me amazed. This morning was a glorious morning for a walk. Nice breeze blowing, birds chirping, sun peeking through the clouds and me and God communing as I huffed and puffed around the neighborhood. I constantly wonder at how He uses times like these to reveal himself and all his wisdom and glory to one so unworthy as I. The understanding I get when I just allow the holy spirit to minister to me and stop trying to reason it all out for myself. Letting go and letting God is hard but boy are the blessings that flow from it worth it.

She Speaks, She Writes, She Obeys

2010-05-12T10:08:00.003-04:00

Proverbs 31 Ministries through Cecil Murphey have one last scholarship to give away to the She Speaks conference and we were asked to write two paragraphs about why we want to attend the conference and what it means to us.

This was my entry.

We are all on a journey. We all have a story and that story can be used to help one another if we use it as He intends. My words, written or spoken can reach the lost, the broken-hearted and downtrodden soul. They can be used to find the one who cowers in the dark, who despises her own face, voice and body; it can seek out the one who has been beaten physically, mentally and spiritually and feels that nobody understands… nobody knows the depth of pain that she carries and no one could ever love her because of all she has endured, the choices she’s made or the way that she looks. I know how these women feel for I too have felt that way. My journey has taught me and continues to teach me that there is hope in the midst of the storm. That joy waits on the other side of the darkness and that God will give us beauty for our ashes.

When I said, "Use me Lord to share your message of love, your Words of wisdom, knowledge and guidance; let my story, my triumph through You give you the glory you deserve and help the lost find their way back home”; when I finally surrendered myself and said, “Lord, here am I send me”; I was led to Proverbs 31 Ministries. For three years I have struggled with the prompting to attend the She Speaks conference. The first year I held back due to financial reasons, the second year, I wasn’t sure I wanted to accept the call that I knew was on my life, and this year, I can no longer deny that He has chosen to use my written and my spoken word. The way the spirit rises up in me when I put fingers to keyboard, pen to paper or lips to microphone are overwhelming, scary and exhilarating. I feel alive and so full. It is during those moments that I know that He has brought me through the storms of my life for a purpose such as this.

Every day is...

2010-05-07T16:59:00.005-04:00

In less than 48 hours millions of women all over the world will be receiving breakfast in bed, flowers, home-made cards, bathrobes, body wash, jewelry and an assortment of brunches, dinners, desserts, etc. in celebration of Mother’s Day.

I appreciate the fact that we take time out each year to celebrate mom’s, dad’s and now even grandparents but feel conflicting emotions about why we do it.

In my book it ranks up there with Valentine’s Day. A day I don’t see any real value to. I don’t really get into it because I don’t feel that we should be told to show our love on any given day, in any particular way. Love is not something that can be brought by giving someone a box of chocolates or a dozen roses no more than you can say thanks to your mom, dad or grandparents with a card, a bouquet of flowers or a nice dinner somewhere.

If you have children then you know that every day is Mother’s, Father’s or Grandparent’s day. Parenthood is one of the greatest gifts God could bestow upon us, after the gift of mercy and grace brought to us through his son, Jesus Christ, who died for our sins.

Not everyone will have the opportunity to be a parent and nor does everyone desire that blessing. But when it happens to you and you embrace it for what it is, the blessings you receive from it outweigh any gift anyone could possibly give you as way of thanks.

I have never felt that a thank you was ever needed for the gift of my children. In fact, I feel that I am the one who should be thanking God for these blessings that He has allowed me to have in my life for however long He chooses to share them with me. They are not mine forever but merely on loan. It is an awesome responsibility; one that I take very seriously. It is my job to instill in them a solid foundation of God and his truth so that they can carry out the plan He has designed for each of their lives.

We were taught in the Bible to “honor our parents” as one of the original Ten Commandments. This is not a one time thing but a continuous act throughout our lives. It is what we do when we take what they have instilled in us and use it for the greater good. It is what we do when we sift the good from the bad and focus on the good. It is the inheritance we leave to our children. They will mirror our patterns. How we treat our parents will show them how to treat us when we get older. The love, respect and reverence we place upon our parents will flow down to our children and when we are gone they will know what to do not just from our words but most especially from our actions.

Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

Deuteronomy 4:9-10 Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Remember the day you stood before the Lord your God at Horeb, when he said to me, “Assemble the people before me to hear my words so that they may learn to revere me as long as they live in the land and may teach them to their children.”

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 11:18-19 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

We are also taught in the Word how to raise our children. Parenting is not an easy job.

2 Timothy 3:16-17 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

You will make mistakes; you will have trials and tribulation. Some will bring deep, gut wrenching heartbreak and others joy so overwhelming you won’t know how to contain it. There are no manuals, road maps or detailed instructions that will make your job any easier than what you will find in the Bible. The principles laid out in there will get you through the toughest of times and help you enjoy the good times even more.

Proverbs 13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.

Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

God holds children in the highest esteem and so should we. Yes, there are times when you would rather deny the existence of your children, long for your single days or declare war on the world should someone call you “mommy” for the gazillionth time but those moments are fleeting as is the time that we have with our children. I have learned much from them. They keep me humble. I have learned how to love unconditionally, to put off the selfish part of me in sacrifice for their needs, wants and desires. I have become stronger yet weaker and evolved into a totally different person as a result of having these children in my life. They are not burdens; they are not the reason for our failures. They should not carry our shame, bear the brunt of our anger or frustration. They are innocent in His eyes. They did not ask to be here and surely if they bring such joy to God they can bring some joy to you.

I understand that not all children are alike. Some have issues physically, mentally and psychologically that require a great deal of patience and restraint but with God, friends and family we can still have times of great delight with these children. They are blessings from God. Wonderful, marvelous blessings that can carry on our legacy for generations to come when we do what is required of us. Love them unconditionally, without malice, without prejudice, without restraint. Treating each one as the individual that he/she is. No preconceived notions just accepting them for who they are. Take time to listen to them, to "hear" them, to understand their needs. Each one is different but each one is special.

Psalms 144:12 Then our sons in their youth will be like well-nurtured plants, and our daughters will be like pillars carved to adorn a palace.

Proverbs 14:26 He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.

3 John 4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

Luke 18:15-17 People were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them; and when the disciples saw it, they sternly ordered them not to do it. But Jesus called for them and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it."

Matthew 18:1-5 At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, " Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" He called a child, whom he put among the, and said, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

So while my kids, my gifts from God, spend the next 48 hours attempting to shower me with love, gifts and platitudes of thanks I will be giving God thanks, praise and honor for allowing me to enjoy them for such a time as this. Knowing that thanks from them is not necessary but hearing the words from His mouth on my day of judgement, "well done, thy good and faithful servant" will be all the thanks I could ever hope for.

Kindergarten Sex

2010-05-05T15:26:00.005-04:00

My six year old had a very interesting day at school yesterday. It seems she was approached by two boys in her class to have sex. She knew right away that this "sex" thing was inappropriate so she went to the teacher.

She was embarrassed and a confused. A couple of other kids tried to make a bigger deal out of it so we told her not to discuss it with anyone else.

I'm blown away because there was a lot more to it than the let's play doctor scenario kids usually try. Each one kept telling her that the other wanted to have sex or kiss her and then they threw another boy in the mix and it was just a big confusing mess.

Did you ever get propositioned at 6 years old? I don't remember even thinking or knowing anything about sex back at that age!

Flash forward a couple of days...

What has been really interesting has been the parents reaction to this. The teacher felt the behavior was inappropriate and of course school guidelines are very stringent about touching, etc. but the parents didn't think it was a big deal. It' s normal and something they see every day on TV so it is to be expected was the general gist of things. I don't believe that. I don't think that it is something that should be considered normal in the every day life of a six year old. At least not my six year old.

Of course this brought up the issue of how much things have changed over the years and how our parenting styles are different.

I am from the old school generation and very proud of it. My kids already know if they come to me what I'm going to say: Who - are you going with, who will be there; What - are you going to do, When - will you be back, when is this taking place, Where - is this taking place, where are the parents; Why - do you want to go and How - will you get there or back home, how much does it cost. If they don't have the answers, they don't get to go, do or have. I must "meet the parents" and establish a rapport. I want to make sure we share the same values and that they will not allow my child to be exposed to things I don't feel are appropriate. If that doesn't happen then my kids don't participate. To date, none have felt that they have missed out or that I've ruined their lives. In fact, they thank me for being how I am even though it is not considered cool. They relish in the fact that I care enough about them to ask the tough questions and if I don't get the right answers to hold to my rules and not buckle under the pressure.

They know if what they are watching is appropriate or not and they will come to me if they are undecided or if someone is trying to break the rule. They enjoy being kids and not learning about stuff faster than necessary. I feel blessed that they still have a bit of innocence and am saddened with each passing day knowing that it could all be shattered in a heartbeat. But I will remain vigilant in trying to keep them children for as long as possible. Once they cross that line and the world's view and tentacles of attraction get hold of them it is hard to maintain what little control we as parents do have.

My older kids are quick to tell me how much they miss their life before leaving home; the way things were and how they we allowed to just be themselves without having to search for acceptance in the outside in the world. Now that they are out there they long for the safety and security of home; the innocence that we allow to exist there.

Our heads aren't in the sand. We know the latest trends, the names of the newest drugs for fun and those being used to commit rape. We know about sexting, cyber bullying, friends w/benefits, in rise in teenage suicide, huffing, etc. but we don't make it a big deal in our home. We don't let them watch shows that are too provocative, or that offer too much information too soon. We try to keep it real and on their level. We read their Facebook and My Space pages, check their text messages on their phones and limit their access and time on the computer, TV and video games. We try to instill in them a love for God, family, themselves and their peers. We challenge them to challenge themselves. To pick up a book and read, to draw, to engage each other in meaningful conversations and to listen and interact with everyone, especially the elderly who have a lot of great wisdom to impart.

We live in a evil world that will only getting worse over time. But we don't have to let that evil permeate and sully our homes, our minds or our kids. We can have a good life keeping that which is good, righteous, just, and pure first and foremost in our world. Just because we are surrounded by it doesn't mean we have to succumb to it. It is a daily struggle but one I am willing to gird my family and myself up against to fight off.

"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace;" Ephesian 6:13-15 (NKJV)

Sex in kindergarten is NOT an option. It's not even up for discussion in this home.

A Generation of Subpar Kids

2010-05-05T15:20:00.002-04:00

That is what we are raising today and it frustrates me. Totally, completely frustrates me. I have one who is working at becoming one and I know lots of other children who are totally entrenched in that lifestyle. Not having been one, I cannot fathom where it comes from and why they have chosen to be this way. But I know that society has played a big part in this mentality.

Dictionary.com defines subpar as “Not measuring up to traditional standards of performance, value, or production.”

Although I know my child is not alone in this attitude or mindset the fact that she is even trying to be there causes me great anxiety. I don’t expect her to be like me 100% but I do expect her to have some of the same characteristics that I have and am proud of. I want her to have a good work ethic; to take pride in what she does and how she does it and to give her best in everything she attempts to do.

My daughter is smart. Very smart, but very lazy or unmotivated. She will settle for a B or C instead of doing what she needs to for the A just because she can. She will do just enough to get by unless I push and challenge her to do her best. Why? I don’t know. I’ve asked her a million times and she can’t give me an answer. I get a shrug of the shoulders, some nonsense verbiage but no concrete answer. She says why should she when she knows that she can get by on doing less; besides everyone does it like that.

The teachers are letting them know what they have to do to get a certain grade on papers, projects and tests which to me sets them up to do subpar work. They tell you to get a D you must do this, if you want a C do this and this, a B add this and this and for an A we want thus and so. Wow, with that kind of breakdown you can pretty much choose your grade through school.

I understand that things were different 30 years ago when I was in high school but not so different that you don’t give it your best. We never had that. We were given the assignment and did it. Doing our best and hoping for the best possible result. I remember being bored at school because it wasn’t challenging enough for me. It was truly a waste for me. We didn’t have the advanced curriculums that the kids have today nor did we have the vast array of technology. Typewriters were the hottest thing going when I was in school. Granted I was voted “least likely to be paying attention” and I wasn’t paying attention when they announced my award but I did measure up, even excel at the traditional standards of performance, value and production. And still do, even today.

So where did we get off track? When did we start accommodating for our kids shortcomings and weaknesses to the point that they don’t have to put forth any effort to get by? I have ADHD but it has not stopped me. I didn’t take medication, I didn’t have an IEP, and I didn’t even know I had it until I was an adult. What did I miss out on, sleep. That I existed on 3 - 5 hours a night of sleep for most of my life was my biggest drawback. My drive is what caused me to excel in life. I took what some call a weakness and made it my strength. If I couldn’t do it the traditional way I learned it another way but I didn’t give up or settle. I didn’t let the system dictate where I should be or what my level of ability was. I have always pushed the envelope and wanted more for myself.

But today’s kids don’t want to do more; they want to be given more. They don’t want to work for it; they want a hand out and we are steadily giving it to them. It’s not so much us keeping up with the Joneses as it is about our kids keeping up with their peers. I’ve had enough. No more. I won’t do it and I won’t let my child stay in the world of subpar. Not when I know she can do better. While she is at home with me I will push her, I will work with her showing her that there is more out there than “settling” just because she can.

I don’t want my child to be the one lumped into the subpar category or like the movie “Failure to Launch.” I’ve seen too many do that and at 25, 28, even 32 still living at home because they can – settling for the subpar life because society has deemed it acceptable.

It’s time to take back our children and not let society (school, peers, Hollywood) dictate who they will be or not be just because.

Hebrews 12:14

2010-05-05T13:36:00.002-04:00

“Pursue peace with all people,...” (NKJV)

“You need to create every (don't miss even one!) way or mean, exerting all of your physical and mental power to the point of making a strenuous attempt to live in peace with ALL men."

Wow this is just what I needed to read today. To ponder this verse and to get the wisdom that is packed into it was an answer to a prayer. Not a prayer that I spoke out loud but one that I’ve been carrying around in my mind for a few days based on the next couple of posts that will follow this one.

Lynn Cowell did such a great job of working it out word by word and although it may not apply to your exact situation the way she worked it out I’m sure you can change the words to fit whatever it is you are going through to help make it more like He would have it to be.

If you want to read some really great advice on parenting or teens in general check in with her on Wednesday’s when she does these wonderful posts about “In the know”. As a parent it truly is our job to be in the know so that we can stay one step ahead of the world and our kids.

The Job

2010-05-02T14:57:00.004-04:00

I am in a new job, surrounded by new people who don’t know me or my capabilities. At times it is a little unsettling. This job is a step up but also a step back at the same time and that has also left me at a loss. I remember asking for a job that gave me more money but less work and God blessed me with that, but I am miserable.

I have two of the greatest bosses in the world but my work load is almost nil in comparison to what I have been used to. I have gone from supporting 8 or 9 people to supporting two. As the new kid on the block, there are not a lot of places for me to go and get more work until people get used to me and are made more aware of my skills. I have tried to hawk my services all over the floor and the response has been sparse. This is someone’s dream come true but certainly not mine.

In the past, I have always been the Queen B at work with my hands in lots of pots but that is not the case here. Although my bosses are head of 4 key divisions within our organization we are structured so that this truly is corporate headquarters and we push the papers but the plants do the work. With what little paperwork they do generate I can only push it around a certain number of times before I have to put it away and then what?

I also believe in an honest days work for my money so sitting and reading books or surfing the web are not an option. So what is a girl to do besides looking out the window at the river and watching the hands on the clock tick by?

Flash forward to this past week -- I found our training site. I'm now taking classes from the company's elearning website which makes the time go faster and I don't feel guilty about learning new things that will enhance my abilities at work and beyond.

I've learned a couple of lessons with this job. First, be careful what you ask for because you just might get it!!! Second, God truly is in control and has a plan. You just have to be patient and let Him reveal it in his own way and in His own time. And finally, there is more than one way to look at things. What may not look like a blessing could truly be one if you just look beyond what you're used to. I believe we call it "thinking outside the box."

"Imagine if the Tea Party Was Black" - Tim Wise

2010-04-29T13:14:00.002-04:00

*I read this post over at this blog thanks to my friend Tracey. All I could say was "Wow!"

Let’s play a game, shall we? The name of the game is called “Imagine.” The way it’s played is simple: we’ll envision recent happenings in the news, but then change them up a bit. Instead of envisioning white people as the main actors in the scenes we’ll conjure - the ones who are driving the action - we’ll envision black folks or other people of color instead. The object of the game is to imagine the public reaction to the events or incidents, if the main actors were of color, rather than white. Whoever gains the most insight into the workings of race in America, at the end of the game, wins.

So let’s begin.

Imagine that hundreds of black protesters were to descend upon Washington DC and Northern Virginia, just a few miles from the Capitol and White House, armed with AK-47s, assorted handguns, and ammunition. And imagine that some of these protesters —the black protesters — spoke of the need for political revolution, and possibly even armed conflict in the event that laws they didn’t like were enforced by the government? Would these protester — these black protesters with guns — be seen as brave defenders of the Second Amendment, or would they be viewed by most whites as a danger to the republic? What if they were Arab-Americans? Because, after all, that’s what happened recently when white gun enthusiasts descended upon the nation’s capital, arms in hand, and verbally announced their readiness to make war on the country’s political leaders if the need arose.

Imagine that white members of Congress, while walking to work, were surrounded by thousands of angry black people, one of whom proceeded to spit on one of those congressmen for not voting the way the black demonstrators desired. Would the protesters be seen as merely patriotic Americans voicing their opinions, or as an angry, potentially violent, and even insurrectionary mob? After all, this is what white Tea Party protesters did recently in Washington.

Imagine that a rap artist were to say, in reference to a white president: “He’s a piece of shit and I told him to suck on my machine gun.” Because that’s what rocker Ted Nugent said recently about President Obama.

Imagine that a prominent mainstream black political commentator had long employed an overt bigot as Executive Director of his organization, and that this bigot regularly participated in black separatist conferences, and once assaulted a white person while calling them by a racial slur. When that prominent black commentator and his sister — who also works for the organization — defended the bigot as a good guy who was misunderstood and “going through a tough time in his life” would anyone accept their excuse-making? Would that commentator still have a place on a mainstream network? Because that’s what happened in the real world, when Pat Buchanan employed as Executive Director of his group, America’s Cause, a blatant racist who did all these things, or at least their white equivalents: attending white separatist conferences and attacking a black woman while calling her the n-word.

Imagine that a black radio host were to suggest that the only way to get promoted in the administration of a white president is by “hating black people,” or that a prominent white person had only endorsed a white presidential candidate as an act of racial bonding, or blamed a white president for a fight on a school bus in which a black kid was jumped by two white kids, or said that he wouldn’t want to kill all conservatives, but rather, would like to leave just enough—“living fossils” as he called them—“so we will never forget what these people stood for.” After all, these are things that Rush Limbaugh has said, about Barack Obama’s administration, Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barack Obama, a fight on a school bus in Belleville, Illinois in which two black kids beat up a white kid, and about liberals, generally.

Imagine that a black pastor, formerly a member of the U.S. military, were to declare, as part of his opposition to a white president’s policies, that he was ready to “suit up, get my gun, go to Washington, and do what they trained me to do.” This is, after all, what Pastor Stan Craig said recently at a Tea Party rally in Greenville, South Carolina.

Imagine a black radio talk show host gleefully predicting a revolution by people of color if the government continues to be dominated by the rich white men who have been “destroying” the country, or if said radio personality were to call Christians or Jews non-humans, or say that when it came to conservatives, the best solution would be to “hang ‘em high.” And what would happen to any congressional representative who praised that commentator for “speaking common sense” and likened his hate talk to “American values?” After all, those are among the things said by radio host and best-selling author Michael Savage, predicting white revolution in the face of multiculturalism, or said by Savage about Muslims and liberals, respectively. And it was Congressman Culbertson, from Texas, who praised Savage in that way, despite his hateful rhetoric.

Imagine a black political commentator suggesting that the only thing the guy who flew his plane into the Austin, Texas IRS building did wrong was not blowing up Fox News instead. This is, after all, what Anne Coulter said about Tim McVeigh, when she noted that his only mistake was not blowing up the New York Times.

Imagine that a popular black liberal website posted comments about the daughter of a white president, calling her “typical redneck trash,” or a “whore” whose mother entertains her by “making monkey sounds.” After all that’s comparable to what conservatives posted about Malia Obama on freerepublic.com last year, when they referred to her as “ghetto trash.”

Imagine that black protesters at a large political rally were walking around with signs calling for the lynching of their congressional enemies. Because that’s what white conservatives did last year, in reference to Democratic party leaders in Congress.In other words, imagine that even one-third of the anger and vitriol currently being hurled at President Obama, by folks who are almost exclusively white, were being aimed, instead, at a white president, by people of color. How many whites viewing the anger, the hatred, the contempt for that white president would then wax eloquent about free speech, and the glories of democracy? And how many would be calling for further crackdowns on thuggish behavior, and investigations into the radical agendas of those same people of color?

To ask any of these questions is to answer them. Protest is only seen as fundamentally American when those who have long had the luxury of seeing themselves as prototypically American engage in it. When the dangerous and dark “other” does so, however, it isn’t viewed as normal or natural, let alone patriotic. Which is why Rush Limbaugh could say, this past week, that the Tea Parties are the first time since the Civil War that ordinary, common Americans stood up for their rights: a statement that erases the normalcy and “American-ness” of blacks in the civil rights struggle, not to mention women in the fight for suffrage and equality, working people in the fight for better working conditions, and LGBT folks as they struggle to be treated as full and equal human beings.

And this, my friends, is what white privilege is all about. The ability to threaten others, to engage in violent and incendiary rhetoric without consequence, to be viewed as patriotic and normal no matter what you do, and never to be feared and despised as people of color would be, if they tried to get away with half the shit we do, on a daily basis.

Game Over.

Tim Wise is among the most prominent anti-racist writers and activists in the U.S. Wise has spoken in 48 states, on over 400 college campuses, and to community groups around the nation. Wise has provided anti-racism training to teachers nationwide, and has trained physicians and medical industry professionals on how to combat racial inequities in health care. His latest book is called Between Barack and a Hard Place.

Stepping out on faith

2010-04-26T15:55:00.007-04:00

“She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.” Proverbs 31:26

What God has for me, is for me and I know what God has laid on my heart. I have run from this call for too long now. I won't, I can't let this pass me by again. I humbly come before you asking you to support me in this cause. If you feel led by the spirit to help build up the kingdom by supporting those who are answering the call God has placed on their life then consider helping me. I have laid out the particulars on how you can support me below and would be happy to answer any other questions you might have regarding my decision to attend this particular conference, if you will leave your questions in the comments. Even if you don't feel led to help financially, your prayers for me as I step out on faith and into the call would be greatly appreciated!

Scholarship Information

She Speaks is a life-changing conference for women seeking to explore the tug on their hearts to reach out to the world for Jesus. Hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries for the past nine years, She Speaks encourages and equips women as they communicate God's Word through writing, speaking and leadership through the following:

She Writes: (Writers Track) From basic writing guidelines to preparing an article or manuscript for submission, and everything in between. In addition, the opportunity to meet one-on-one with some of the top editors, publishers, and literary agents in the Christian market.
She Speaks: (Speakers Track) Whether speaking in a large arena or leading Bible studies in church, participants will be equipped with the tools needed to effectively share the Word of God, create a bio sheet, market her ministry, and give successful presentations.
She Leads: (Women's Ministry Track) This track is specifically designed for women's ministry directors and facilitators. Included are creative ways to reach her community with the life-transforming hope of Jesus, organize small groups, select a team of volunteers, plan successful events, and network with other directors.

Sharing God’s truth with love is not only a holy calling but a remarkable responsibility. The Lord has laid it on my heart to attend She Speaks in July/August, 2010. I trust He will provide a way financially for me to go, and I would like to invite you to be a part of this life-changing conference! Will you prayerfully consider partnering with me through a financial contribution towards a scholarship that will allow me to attend?

As you feel led to join me in this exciting call, there are two ways to participate. You can call Proverbs 31 Ministries at 877-731-4663 to contribute or send a check payable to Proverbs 31 Ministries to:

Proverbs 31 Ministries

She Speaks Scholarship/

Kimberly Dunham-Christian

616-G Matthews-Mint Hill Road

Matthews, NC 28105

Please be sure to designate the scholarship in my name in order to credit my scholarship fund. You will be receipted for your tax-deductible donation. For more information: www.shespeaksconference.com.

May the Lord bless you as you pray about giving towards equipping the saints for the Kingdom of God! I appreciate your thoughtfulness so much and could not do this without you being a very important part.

Warmest blessings!

Kimberly

I Am...

2010-04-25T14:52:00.002-04:00

the same, yet different.

I look the same, dress the same and if you were to interact with me you won’t know that there is a change yet I know that I am different. I feel like I am in a different place. I don’t quite know how to explain it but things are just different.

I’ve had thoughts running around my head for weeks now but just haven’t had the desire to put them down on paper but the fact that they keep surfacing tells me they need to get out.

My quiet time in the morning came to a halt three weeks ago and I’ve had a hard time restarting it. In some ways I miss it, in others I don’t. I feel like it lost its purpose and therefore I needed to take a break and rethink the whole process. In fact, I believe that is what is different. I’m rethinking everything; from the inside out, from the top to the bottom. I’m not in a settling mood any longer. I’ve been settled for far too long and that has to stop. I feel like I’m lukewarm in my walk with Christ right now and it’s not a fun place to be or even a place that He likes for us to be in.

“So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.” Revelation 3:16 (NKJV)

I’ve gotten complacent with going to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and serving on my committee but there is no real zeal or passion behind it. Our lessons are truly awesome and inspirational. I take notes, nod my head and get inspired for the moment but when the moment has passed I’m right back to the nothingness. It’s like I’m there but I’m not.

I’m honest, if I’m nothing else, and lately I just haven’t felt like I’m in the right places doing the right things. I have some loose ends that need to be wrapped up but then I feel like I need to step down and move on because where they are going is not the right path for me.

I've been busy focusing on everyone else's vision and dream and allowed mine to get buried in the process. As I've been refocusing, listening, reviewing and allowing my spirit to minister to me I've been able to hear - truly hear what it's been saying to me. What others have been saying to me and what God has been working on inside of me.

It has re-ignited my passion for the spoken and unspoken word. The thoughts that are not my own but from Him who called me and I have to put them out there. Not for myself but in obedience to what is on my heart and my mind. They won't always be popular. They won't always be easy to understand and digest but for those that are seeking they will answer the questions. They will reaffirm and reassure. They will infuse and ignite the sparks that have been dormant for many years waiting for this moment.

Surviving the Inner Struggle

2010-04-23T14:42:00.008-04:00

Inner struggles - how do we survive them? For me, they come on a weekly basis. If I were totally honest, I think I could say that daily I struggle with what I want and what God wants for me. Consciously or subconsciously it doesn't matter, I know that the struggle is there. Some days the struggle is truly within myself and on others it is with the world in which I live and wanting to be a part of it.

Frequently, I find myself caught up in the social ills that permeate every fiber of our being whether from the radio, TV, Internet, Twitter, Facebook or the magazines on the newsstands. No matter where I look, there is always something that makes me want to compare where I am to where the world tells me I should be. It begins innocently enough with seemingly non-threatening questions or headlines that open up a minefield of answers that often leave me wondering how did I go from thinking THIS (all things that are good, righteous, loving, of good report, etc.) all the way over here to stewing about THAT (jealousy, anger, bitterness, frustration) on a regular basis.

Why am I the only one in the world who is not happy, fulfilled and content with my lot in life? Where is my aha moment? When will I feel transformed or transfigured into a mighty warrior for God?

At times, I've felt weaker; less sure of myself and who I am and more dependent on Him but resentful for that dependence. That is until I immerse myself in the Word (the Bible or the scriptures) which takes these thoughts captive and gives me peace that can't be found anywhere else. I feast on them and allow them to soak into the inner core of my being and rise above the struggle.

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Romans 12:2 (NKJV)

"Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (NKJV)

But then I find that I am impatient. Society has created a whole new breed of people, of which I find myself a part of. We are the generation of instant gratification. I want it now. I want to do it myself. I don’t want to wait on God to supply all my needs or to reveal His plan for my life in dribs and drabs. I want it all and I want it right now!

This is not a novel concept. The prodigal son felt the same way, but in his case he went to his father and demanded what was rightfully his and it was given to him and we also saw the results of it. In our case, God is not so foolish as to give in to the demands of his spoiled, whining prodigies and thankfully so. Many times I've had to go back and give Him praise and thanks for NOT fulfilling a request because, over time, I saw the foolishness of what I was asking. I realized the consequences without actually having to suffer them and felt truly blessed that the petitions of my heart fell on deaf ears or that He said no or not right now my child.

"Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!" Psalm 27:14 (NKJV)

"But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 (NKJV)

I continuously put myself out there; serving on many boards and committees, volunteering at every outreach in any capacity I can so that I am in constant motion. A perpetual state of busyness that won't allow me to have time to sit and listen to the still small voice. I am afraid to hear what He has to say but I'm even more afraid that I will hear and obey what He says to me. I have not learned to die to self completely and let His will be done although it is the deepest desire of my heart.

My physical, fleshly self won't allow it to happen. It would mean letting go of everything I have fought my whole life to keep - my independence or control. I don't have to tell you how much I like to be in control. It is indicative of my Type A personality to be in control of what goes on around me. But, I have taken my eye off the prize. Nevertheless, God is good because the Word redirects my path. It leads and guides me back into the Father's will and blessings beyond measure when I apply it in my life.

...saying, “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.” Luke 22:45 (NKJV)

“Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Matthew 26:41 (NKJV)

"For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." Romans 7:9 (NKJV)

So, while I have my inner struggles, I am not left alone, lost or forsaken in them. I know where to go to get help or find my way when they arise. There is not one situation in my life that I have not been able to find resolution, guidance or direction about through the Word. Whether I have chosen to do what is required is another post in itself but the road map to survival is always available. The choice to use it is my own.

My Passion

2010-04-23T13:22:00.003-04:00

My passion is Speaking. Imparting wisdom, knowledge and power to those in the audience as the Holy Spirit directs my path. I love speaking to women; encouraging them, letting them know that there is someone out there that gets what they are going through, that cares and is there for them.

I am a survivor of this world we live in. I have survived sexual assault, domestic violence, self-loathing and hatred and the desire to end it all until I found God. Truly found Him, let him in my life and embraced the love that He so freely gives us all.

I yearn, with all my heart, to take all that I have learned and impart it into others. I want to laugh with them; cry with them; and grow with them as they embark on a deeper, closer relationship with Him. I don't want to be silent any more. I want my voice to go out and be heard so that all that God has imparted in me can be used. It was not designed to stay bottled up inside of me but I've been holding back and holding on to it scared to take the next step. Scared to try for fear of failure but the biggest failure of all would be in not stepping out on my faith and the desire He has placed on my heart.

I know that it is time to let it go; to take the passion that God has planted inside of me and go to the next level. Being able to attend She Speaks! will get me one step closer to the dream.

I have applied for their scholarship and pray that if it is God's will that I will win or that I will find someone who will sow the cost of the conference into my life so I can do what He has called me to do.

What is your passion and what are you doing to fulfill it in your life? Everyone has one. We were designed for a purpose. Have you found yours?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

She Speaks! Conference

2010-04-23T13:13:00.003-04:00

She Speaks is a life-changing conference for women of every generation seeking to explore the tug on her heart to reach out to the world for Jesus. Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman. Sharing God’s truth with love is not only a holy calling but a remarkable responsibility. We believe by equipping women to become more effective at sharing the Word of God, we multiply our efforts to reach a hurting world with the life-transforming hope of Jesus.

Our entire team invites you to be a part of this life-changing conference and look forward to sharing our lives with you. It is our prayer that during this year’s conference, God will validate old dreams and inspire new ones.

I look forward to meeting you at our conference this year!

LeAnn RiceConference DirectorExecutive Director, Proverbs 31 Ministriesmailto:MinistriesLeAnn@Proverbs31.org

Read and Remember the fine print

2010-04-21T10:36:00.001-04:00

Beware of the fine print or should I say remember the fine print even if it’s 9 years later. I have been a Comcast customer for the past 9 years. That is until recently. When my contract was up for my triple play package my cable bill went from $136 to $217 without notice. They were not budging when we called to see what the deal was. They offered to let us drop back to basic cable, internet and phone for $128 but that was 3 steps down from what we had and that was not a good deal so we switched to Fios. The price was right.

Verizon is up and running. Life is good. The picture quality is outstanding and we are content with Fios as much as one could be content with a cable company. I’m plugging along, still using my email address at Comcast because I didn’t think anything of it and it still worked. We were two weeks into our Fios high when I went to log into Comcast and couldn’t.

I thought something was wrong and called them. They were very nice (NOT) about it. No Comcast, no email. What about my mail? My files? My contacts? Sorry lady, it’s all gone. Dumped. It was in the agreement you signed way back when. Don’t you remember? Well no, not really, after all that was 9 years ago people. Who remembers the fine print for 9 years especially a small little detail about how your email address is tied to your account with us? Certainly not I. At least not then but you can be sure I will remember it now.

I have an account with Fios through Verizon.net but you can be sure that I won’t use it for my contacts, my personal email that I want to save, etc. I will use it to pay my Fios bill and communicate with them but I’ve switched to Gmail. Safe, simple and no strings attached. Files, pictures, etc. that I’ve saved for a long time gone. Lesson learned. Read and REMEMBER the fine print.

So now you know why if you’ve tried to email me it bounces back and if you haven’t heard from me it’s because I don’t have access to my contacts so you’ll have to hit me up on Facebook or give me a call so we can reconnect.

Rush Hour

2010-04-21T10:10:00.001-04:00

I live in Richmond, Virginia and the term “rush hour” traffic is not relevant to us like in other metropolitan areas such as DC, Atlanta and LA. If we get a ¼ mile back up we start to whine and cry. Traffic high points for us are from 7:00A to 8:30A and from 4:30P to 6:00P. Our two major corridors are I-95 and I-64 but 288 and 295 are quickly catching up. Hull Street, Midlothian Turnpike and West Broad Street are the major roads creating headaches of major proportions from the city to the suburbs. It takes ½ hour to move 5 miles down Hull Street during the “rush hour”. I call it the geriatric highway because you will inevitably get behind someone going slow when you are in a hurry. This happens on a daily basis.

I don’t take the highways or the toll roads to work to avoid traffic and accidents but it can take one geriatric driver to put my day into a tailspin. I know that God has a sense of humor and He flexes it in my life quite often in this arena. I can have the patience of Job one day but on others, blink and I’ll cut you off at the knees. So, given how late I try to sleep in and how quickly I can get out of the house I might get waylaid by the world of geriatric drivers and get to work feeling less than chipper and cheery and then its look out world. Seriously, I’m kidding. I wouldn’t take my traffic woes out on my colleagues but it does make for interesting conversations in my head all the while I’m smiling and inside I’m still seething about the fool that made me late or slowed down morning groove.

What really ticks me off is that I’m a good driver. A defensive driver and I go out of my way to stay away from the crazies but unfortunately I am outnumbered. They are talking on the phone, texting, eating or yes, ladies, putting on make-up. Now I am guilty of doing all of the above but not while driving, except the talking piece and I limit that or use the hands-free when possible. I put on my make-up when I am stopped at a light; texting is the same only when I am sitting still. Eating is limited when I’m driving so I don’t mess up my clothes but at the same time I can honestly say I am cognizant of what is going on around me. All around me; not just what is up ahead but beside and behind me as well. I’m not trying to get rear-ended by the fool too busy looking down to realize that I am sitting still at the light.

I drive in the right lane unless I need to pass someone and then of course I navigate my way to the passing lane and keep going. Once clear, I head back to the right. This is not the case with most drivers. They get in the lane and hog or should I say clog it up making it virtually impossible to maneuver around the geriatric drivers out there. It just doesn’t seem right to have cars in both lanes driving side by side with clear lanes in front of them and 2 miles of back up behind them because they are both meandering along oblivious to the fact that we are trying to get somewhere today, not next week. Now if road conditions or weather are a factor I totally understand but it could be a nice spring day and this happens.

And when it does I become like David Banner and turn into the Incredible Hulk. I huff, I puff, I scream, rant and rave (sometimes out loud, other times to myself) about the situation and then I hear it. This chuckling going on in my head because I know how irrational I am being and how much God must be getting a real kick out of slowing me down even if its just for a few short minutes because I won’t take the time myself and do it. It is during these moments when I am stuck behind someone that I actually pay attention to my surroundings and notice what changes are taking place in the neighborhoods I drive through on a daily basis and never seem to notice. Like the stores that have opened, closed, been repainted or repaired; the trees blooming, the blue sky and the feel of the sun and wind on my skin through the open sunroof. It is during these times that I speak to Him and say, “Hey you, I know what you’re doing and it’s working. Thanks for the reminder to slow down and check out the sights before they pass me by. Thanks for saving me from the truck that plowed through the red light at the intersection just ahead of me that could have been me if I hadn’t gotten caught behind a slow poke. I get it. Really I do, even if I’m not always appreciative at the time.”

And that makes my day a little better for that gift, that blessing until I jump in the car heading to my next destination and find myself caught behind…you guessed it, another slow poke.

Got Optimism? | The Augusta Chronicle#comment-763971

2010-04-16T11:33:00.000-04:00

Got Optimism? The Augusta Chronicle#comment-763971

Great post about the lost art of optimism and how it can change our lives.

Spring

2010-04-15T10:50:00.002-04:00

Spring has sprung. If you can’t tell it by the buds on the trees or the flowers blooming, then you definitely know it by the yellow/green dust that is everywhere. Allergy sufferers like I have started out the season in earnest with red, itchy, watery eyes, noses running for days and headaches of monumental proportions due to the reproductive season of the plant world. There have been a lot of things going on these past few weeks with the kids, work, and home. Some good, some ok and other’s frustrating but I know that it’s all a part of life and where we are in the journey right now.

We had spring break last week, which was nice for all of us. Good Friday came and I was off enjoying my time and contemplating all the spiritual aspects of that day and the two following it. Easter we had a wonderful church service, and then a cookout and Easter egg hunt with family. The girls had a wonderful time. We all did. The weather was great and it’s always good when you can come together and fellowship without all the drama that can come with family and friends. I took two days off in the middle of the week to spend with the girls and we hit the road. Virginia Beach was crowded but nice. The water was ice cold but the sun and sand were hot. It was hard to believe everyone was out in their bathing suits trying to catch a tan that early in the year yet alone venturing forth into the water. They played in the sand; we soaked up the rays and then went to visit my grandmother. Klutz that I am took a spill, flipped over a fence, bumped my head on a bench, scrapped up my arm on the sidewalk and bruised my ankle. It would have been a money winner on America’s Funniest Videos for sure. To make matters worse the girls stood around looking at me splayed out for the world to see without thinking to assist me. Finally one of them ran to get Tony so he could help me untangle myself from the broken fence and up on my feet. Thursday we vegged around the house, in the yard and about the area taking care of errands and such. Friday I escaped back to work to recoup for the weekend. Overall it was a great week but I was glad for Monday when life could get back to normal.

We’ll struggle to keep them focused for the last two months of school as they dream of shorts sleeves, tank tops, swimsuits, the beach, Busch Gardens and days when they can sleep however late they want and do nothing but nag us about how bored they are. I will work diligently to find ways to occupy their minds and keep them relatively active and learning for the 100+ days of boredom known as summer vacation. Whatever happened to the days when you could farm them off to the grandparents?

FREE

2010-03-05T11:14:00.002-05:00

I have had one of the best weeks of my life this week. The only way to describe it is FREE. The millstone that has weighed me down for my entire life has been cut from my neck. This whole week has been one filled with confirmation after confirmation from scriptures, music, devotionals and notes from friends and family. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life that care about me and support me, but my greatest blessings come from God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. They have ministered to me this week through the Word in ways I never thought possible. It’s like the blinders were lifted and verses I’ve read time and time again now have new meaning. All those scriptures I have hidden up in my heart are being released unto me and giving me great hope, joy and understanding of everything that has transpired in my life.

I found this week, through my prayer and study time, that I have a great love for my mother; much deeper than I would have imagined. The love I have for her is the love of Christ, which is a love that releases her from the burden of fulfilling me in ways that she cannot. This is a love that transcends our fleshy selves but focuses on the spiritual being in each of us. It’s not about her approval, her love or her acceptance. It is a love for the woman that gave birth to me. Although there were times when I was ok with the thought of not being here, I am grateful for the life she gave me. It is the love that allows forgiveness for hurts real and imagined; for shortcomings and ignorance. It is a love that we should have for each other when we accept Christ into our lives and proclaim Him to be our Lord and Savior. The second greatest command that He gave us “…You shall love your neighbor as yourself…” Mark 12:31 (KJV)

This week I discovered that I am free to live my life and walk out the destiny God has for me instead of seeking for something I was never destined to find or have from the world. I now understand the scripture “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” in Matthew 6:33 (KJV) in a way I couldn’t have before. I have been looking to my mother for her approval, her love and her acceptance when all along I should have been looking to God first. He will provide all those things to me: love, approval, acceptance and peace indescribable peace when I follow His Word. I have walked in this blessing all week.

One of my devotionals this week also reaffirmed to me that I have been putting too much emphasis on the relationship with my mother and helped me keep the focus on where my priorities should be. Mary Welchel of the Christian Working Woman had this life lesson in her transcripts for Wednesday at www.thechristianworkingwoman.org. I have highlighted the words that resounded in my ears as I heard it on the radio and leapt off the page as I read them.

Life Lesson #5: Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
You know, I often remind myself that people aren't thinking about me nearly as much as I think they're thinking about me! Isn't it true that we often put ourselves under unnecessary stress by just taking ourselves too seriously! We worry about what others will think of us and that can become an obsession. What others think about you is not your business, so let it go!

Here's the secret: Make it your passion to care very much about what God thinks about you. Pray daily that God will grow you into the mature Christian he wants you to be. Let God's Word reveal areas in your life that need changing, and then by God's grace, work on them. Care very much about what God thinks about you.

But stop worrying about what others think about you. Stop imagining what they're thinking or saying. First of all, you'll never please everyone, no matter how hard you try. And secondly, have you ever thought about how wrong it is to care more about what other people think of you than you do about what God thinks about you? Remember, it's not all about you; it's all about God and what he wants to do with your life. So, don't take yourself so seriously.

Also this week I listened to my worship music and found great peace and solace at the words I heard from Kirk Franklin, CeCe Winans, Toby Mac, Mandisa, Marvin Sapp, Youth for Christ, J Moss, James Fortune & Fyre and many more.

The greatest joy came when I shouted the words to “Imagine Me” with Kirk Franklin, especially the chorus “Gone, gone, all gone, all my scars, pain; in the past. What your mother did, what your father did, gone, gone, all gone.” And it is… All gone. Everything that I held against her, all the hurt, all the pain, all the scars, gone. I am FREE.

Thank you Lord for I am free.

Free at last, free at last, Lord God Almighty, I am free at last!

My Mother, My Self

2010-02-28T15:26:00.005-05:00

I've always backed away when it comes to discussing my upbringing even at the behest of my many counselors who, over the years, felt I needed to purge things from my soul. But I think I've come to the point in my life when I have to make peace with myself and my life. This in no way covers my entire life but is a brief overview highlighting the things that resonate within me when I think about my relationship with my mother. This is for me because it will make me a better person if I'm not dragging around all this baggage whether my family agrees or not.

My first real memory of my mother is when I was 3 or 4 years old. She was making her bed and I was under it. At one point she stopped at which time I slid across the floor, came between her legs and looked up at her. She snatched me from under the bed and slapped me in my face and yelled at me. She thought I was trying to look up her housecoat. Never mind the fact that I'm a little girl, curious and inquisitive or the fact that I was just playing a game. That was irrelevant. The slap would remain ingrained in me for the remainder of my life and tell the tale of our journey. She has slapped me in my face time and time again since that first memory both literally and figuratively. Sometimes her words to me have hurt and lingered far longer than any slap could deliver physically and I can relay every single one of them to you. They resonate in my mind over and over again and even when they are not in the forefront, they are continuously playing in my subconscious like a broken record. Our relationship has been a tug of war. Me trying to be who I was created to be and her fighting me tooth and nail every step of the way. Stories from family members reaffirm to me that this fight of two wills transcended from my birth when she would spank me several times a night before I would succumb to her command to go to sleep.

As I got older and my needs increased I went through great lengths to get her attention but always seemed to fail unless it was to be disciplined. I was always getting into trouble even if I didn't do it. It seemed that she was destined to believe whatever was said about me because she didn't believe that I could be anything less than a thorn in her side.

I know that one could look at my life and say that it couldn't have been that way, that I imagined it. But no matter how much I pushed aside those feelings of inadequacy and inability to have my mother's love too often it was pointed out to me by others as someone else would try to compensate for the shortcomings they saw me get at my mother's hand. It was not a family secret, it was a family shame that people often tried to overlook or smooth over.

Please don't misunderstand me. My mother is a loving person. She loves my siblings, has great respect for them and has always treated them well. After all, they have lived up to her expectations and never walked against the grain. She is a good friend, a great wife to her husband and does great work for her community and church family but little of that love has trickled down to me.

I understand she had a hard life growing up and felt she missed out on a lot of things and spent a great deal of her life trying to obtain those things often at great sacrifice to others. I pray they have brought her happiness but in the process there was a lot of grief. I don't pretend to know all the details or have all the answers but I have my perspective. I have my memories, and I have my truth. The things that I saw happen for others but not for me.

I pretty much supported myself from the time I was 12. With my babysitting money I brought my clothes, school supplies, etc. I ran away from home figuratively every chance I got through babysitting for anyone and everyone that would have me. At 13 and 14 I was watching kids over night. I brought my own prom dress, my class ring, my senior pictures, invitations, cap and gown, etc., you get the picture. She was a very hands off parent when it came to me. My dad came down from NY to see me go to my prom while my mom went away with her boyfriend for the weekend.

She never even had the talk about sex with me. I found that to be very ignorant in light of the fact that my older sister got pregnant at the age of 15 and they didn't even know until she was 8 months. Suffice it to say, that I was very ignorant when it came to boys and pregnancy and found myself pregnant just before my 19th birthday. The really crazy thing is that I found out in the emergency room with my mother who took me there because I had been really sick for several days. At her command I had an abortion, after all she was my mother and I was in no position to argue with her. I had never disobeyed a direct request from her. I felt it was wrong and unfair because my sister didn't have to have one - again ignorant to the facts that given how far along she was it was impossible. What was really degrading and humiliating was she made me pay for it myself and refused to discuss or acknowledge what had transpired. Even though she dropped me off and picked me up. That was the beginning of a downward spiral into hell over the loss of my child, the disappointment I caused my mother (and don't think she didn't tell me about it) and the guilt of the act itself. Never before did I feel so worthless, unloved and alone. I went through a period of self-loathing that took me to the dark side of life. I went out trying to find love in all kinds of people and places. Participating in things that could have cost me my life on several different fronts trying to stop the hemorrhaging in my mind and soul over what had taken place.

The last physical beating came at age 18 when she took a branch from a tree in the front yard and beat me with it after I yelled at her for going back on her word about the car. She said I could use it and then decided that my brother could have it instead. Slighted again, I gave her an earful of what I thought. Never cursing her but certainly expressing my displeasure at being pushed aside yet again. I didn't even defend myself. I stood there and let her hit me with it until it broke to the point that she couldn't use it anymore. I had welts and cuts all over me but I refused to cry. When she was done my only comment to her was "Are you done?" and then I went upstairs and took a shower. I would not give her the satisfaction of shedding a tear. Shortly thereafter I moved out.

I gave her a great deal of disappointment in her life by choosing to walk to beat of a different drum. I could have been anything I wanted but the one thing I wanted was the last thing she wanted for her child. She felt it was a waste of my God-given talents. What she didn't realize is that because of our relationship that "thing" grew stronger and stronger in me until it was an obsession. All I wanted to be was a mother. The best mother in the world. I wanted to be better to my kids than she was to me. I wanted to be sure that they knew they were loved. I would be there in the afternoons when they came home from school. I would help them with their homework and share in their hopes, dreams and desires. I would not force my dreams on them. All I would want for my kids is for them to love God, respect me as their parent, get an education and make a positive contribution to society in whatever capacity that they wanted.

She on the other hand wanted us to be what she could not because she had children. She wanted me to be a big shot in corporate America. Travel the world and have all the things she did not. I didn't want that but as fate would have it I have had a pretty good career that has allowed me to support my family and travel all across the US and Europe. At times it even allowed me to be there for them in ways she was not. But the desire to be a mother has always overridden anything that would stand in my way to doing that including moving further up the corporate ladder.

She first disowned me when I was 21 and pregnant again. She wanted me to have another abortion. This time I chose life. She did not come to the hospital when he was born. In fact she didn't even acknowledge him. I would walk down the street to her house everyday and sit in the kitchen with him and she would ignore him. He was almost 2 months old before she would speak to him. Eventually she came around to accept him but not like her other grandchildren. When I needed to find a less expensive place to live she did allow me to move home for 30 days with the baby to save up enough money for a deposit on someplace. Eventually life caught up with me and I found myself living in the ghetto with a baby, no car, no savings, living pillar to post, starving and paranoid. I was robbed three times, worked two jobs, was raped twice and consequently I had a nervous breakdown, spent 30 days in rehab learning to accept my fate in life and my relationship with my mother. She never visited me in the ghetto and I lived there for three years nor did she visit me in rehab although I called and asked.

The second time she disowned me was 7 years later when I was pregnant with my second child. Again, this was a great disappointment to her especially since I was yet again a single parent. What would her friends think??? Who cares, it's my life, not yours. I did not come to her for assistance. Nor had I in the a long time. I had long ago figured out she would not help me. Heck, I had made it out of the ghetto without her assistance, was renting my own home and had a great job. I didn't come to her for anything at all but her love and acceptance but it was not there to be given. We went several months without talking but again she eventually came around. She did come to the hospital to see this grandchild after she was born. Maybe, just maybe, things would get better. They did not. We just learned to tolerate each other. Me lapping up every crumb of attention or kindness that came in my direction from her.

By the time my third child came I didn't tell her until I was 6 months pregnant, living in Virginia Beach and not in need of her approval, love or support. I was still in mourning because I had lost my best friend - my dad, and was resentful that she still lived. She was my only living parent so I had tried to move beyond our past relationship and make headway into a new beginning. She didn't say anything, finally accepting that it was my life and she couldn't change it. I figured that as she got older she was mellowing out. Wishful thinking on my part but nevertheless she was my mother and I accepted her no matter what.

Over the years we tolerated each other. She often found a way to make her opinions known and I learned to buffer myself so that they could not penetrate my heart. When I got married and took in the last three kids we were at an impasse. I was the faithful lapdog in the family. Always going to the meetings, extending the olive branch, putting me and my family out there, forcing a relationship with them, sometimes shamelessly. I felt like I was hooking myself for my family's acceptance. Even in the midst of my own personal hell I kept up the charade only to find myself hung out to dry when my world crumbled all around me to the echo of "I told you so's." "We knew something wasn't right." "You need to leave him." What I didn't expect was total abandonment, which is exactly what I got. At a time when I needed my family, namely my mom, I had no one. No one to hold me while I cried, help me through my pyschotic breakdown, depression, financial devastation once again or support me as I went through the court process, and the rebuilding of my life, except for God and a few very special people He strategically placed in my life at the right time.

Flash forward three years and here we are. Still at it, except we have come to the end of the road. I have to admit there is a mixed sense of relief underneath the unbelievable shock of her words. It is a blessed relief to know that all was not imagined. I am free. Free from longing, panting and constantly setting myself up for another smack down.

I love my mother, I love my siblings but I have never quite clicked with them and I'm finally ok with that. My dad and I, well that's how a parent/child relationship should be - unconditional love. My children and I, that's also what a true relationship should be. I err on the side of being too involved, loving them too much and wanting the best for them. I err on unconditional love. I love them because they are mine, all of them. Blessings from God sent to me for a short while to love, teach and inspire to be the best they can be. I don't always like them, what they do and how they do it but they have always had and will always have my love and support. They are not perfect. They have made a lot of mistakes and have regrets about choices they have made but through it all they have had me by their side every step of the way. I have not bailed them out but I have given them a hand up when needed. I've been their cheerleader, spiritual advisor, best friend and chief judge/jury and executioner if they did something I disagreed with or that went against my moral/spiritual standards but again they have never had to question my love or commitment to them or their lives. Mistakes? Sure, I've made a few but I've admitted them, apologized for them and learned from them as I'm sure I'll continue to.

I look forward to being a grandparent. I will be there for my grandchildren. I will love them just as I've loved their parents. I'll remember their birthdays, let them spend the night and take an interest in their lives. All of them, no matter what the circumstances of their birth may be. After all, who am I to judge?

My maternal extended family is a very spiritual family held together by the love of God and all things good and godly. My grandfather was the best, a baptist minister with a great love of God. He raised his children under that mantle and us as well. We have stuck together in thick and thin. I never imagined this would happen. I trust God works all things out for good but right now I feel that this division is necessary. I will be bowing out of our family functions for a while. It will give my mind and soul a chance to really heal. I will allow God to work on all of us.

What will be the outcome? I don't know and right now I'm not all that worried. I stand on the promises in God's word that "this too shall pass." My inspiration will come from the hymn that has always been dear to my heart, "It is Well With My Soul" because truly for the first time in a long time, It Is Well! Freedom does that.

I Am a Motherless Child

2010-02-28T11:43:00.005-05:00

All my life I have felt like this - a Motherless Child. I have spent countless hours in therapy and thousands of dollars trying to come to grips with this. Over the past few years, I even reconciled myself to this and accepted my mother for who she was instead of who I thought she should be to me. I had found peace through my relationship with God and friends who supported me through things in my life when I should have had the love and support of my mother but it was not to be found.

I even tried to convince myself that my thoughts about my life were wrong. That all those feelings of not ever being good enough, years of being considered the "black sheep" and all those sarcastic barbs and put downs were just my imagination. The notes over the years ignoring the real issues in my life but reassuring me that she was praying for me, when I didn't need prayers but love and financial assistance, would have been better served as kindling for my fireplace but kept them because it was a connection to her. I have every card, note, letter and newspaper clipping she sent me. I gloss right over the frilly Hallmark cards filled with words expressing love and caring because I never believed them and zero in on the ones telling me she could care less what is happening in my home because it's between God and I, but she is praying for me. The last one coming at a time when I didn't have a pot to piss in, was a broken down wreck because my ex-husband had physically, mentally and verbally abused me and our 10 children but she couldn't be bothered with the details of that. It would have meant getting involved, showing she cared and well I now know she didn't not then and especially not now.

Yesterday my greatest fear was exposed to me in such a way that there is nothing that can convince me that everything I felt my entire life wasn't the truth. Yesterday my mother disowned me in such a way that there is nothing she can say that will ever erase the words from my mind or make me believe anything other than my truth.

"You are the lowest of the low. If this is how you treat FAMILY then I want nothing to do with you. We have decided to change our will. We will split everything between your siblings and leave you $1.00. No one asked you to take those children. You should have let them go into foster care, gotten them to support those kids and so on."

Those words and the rest of what she said to me will forever be etched in my brain. I spent the entire day yesterday in a fog. My head throbbed, my stomach knotted and rolled. I didn't eat. I was a zombie. I talked to friends, I talked to God. I ranted and raved to my husband, who heard the entire conversation. I awoke this morning pretty much feeling the same way and then I went to church and cried my eyes out to God. The one who has been with me through everything and has kept me from going over the edge time and time again.

What did I do to cause her to react like this ? Nothing. That is nothing to her. Nothing that she should have even had a say in but then my mother is her own woman and she picks and chooses when to be involved in her children's, grandchildren's and great grandchildren's lives.

My nephew and his wife had three children in three years. I am raising all three of those children. I have custody of the oldest but adopted the other two after they came to me and asked me if I wanted them because they were going to give them away. No one else in the family stepped up or even offered assistance but I took them because they are my FAMILY. All three children have issues of some sort due to the fact that their parents abused drugs, alcohol and each other during each of the pregnancies and that behavior still continues. I have not received any support for the children from them. As I adopted the two younger ones that was not an expectation regarding them. But the first child, the one I have custody of, is a whole other story. He constantly reminds me that she is their child, loudly, verbally, with great force and unkind words. Yet he has done nothing to support her because he's in and out of rehab and jail. She has been diagnosed with separation anxiety and adolescent bipolar disorder. A hell of a combination. We have been in therapy and we have a lot on our plates in handling her but we have not complained or asked ANYONE including my MOTHER for assistance. She prefers not to be involved remember... We max out of the insurance coverage for her treatment which is out of network and 40% out of our pocket after we meet the family deductible of $2,000.00. She can get Medicaid to cover her treatment once we max out if we apply but one of our requirements was to apply for child support from her parents before Medicaid would consider her case. So I filed the paperwork and they were notified. With all that said, it wasn't about the money and I seriously doubt we will see it but it was a step I had to take to get our child, that I have had and raised since she was six weeks old (when they called me and asked me to come and get her from a hotel room they were living in), the help she needs without going bankrupt in the process. Apparently he has split once again from his wife and he ran crying to his mother (my sister) who in turn ran back to my mother with his story of the blues. No one called or asked me anything but obviously assumed what he said was the gospel truth and I'm sticking it to him as a money hungry person.

So you see, the kids that no one asked me to take - they are her great grandchildren whom she says should have gone into the foster care system so that the state could pay for them. They are her FAMILY that she referring to. When is it the state's responsibility to take care of family? Part of her words in her rant was that "family takes care of family and doesn't try to tear each other down." I guess there is a double standard there that doesn't include me and my FAMILY. We have always been treated differently and torn down by her and her actions toward us. I guess she just hasn't noticed or doesn't care. And if you don't believe me then keep reading.

My children have never spent a night with my mother. They have never spent a day with her when I haven't been around. She has never interacted with them just because they are her grandchildren and she wants to have a relationship with them. She doesn't send them birthday cards or birthday presents consistently I can count the number of times she's done so on one hand. She did do Christmas for them but last year decided that since my 16 year old hadn't bothered to call her that she didn't deserve a Christmas present. My mother comes to Richmond at least once a week, passes by my street and never stops by and never calls. I have been in my house for 6 years, she has been here 5 or 6 times which is about the number of times, if not more, that she's been to my sister's house but she's only lived there a year. My nephew's oldest child lives down by my mother. She spends the night, stays for weeks at a time, travels with my parents and gets the treatment from her grandparents that every child wishes for. My sister (the kids grandmother, my nephew's mother) lives 3 miles away from me. We might see her once a month, if we are lucky, but she goes to my mom's to see or get her other grandchild (mentioned above) and lets her spend the night, takes her to the beach, etc. all the time... My mother goes up to Maryland (4 hours away) to see my other sister on a regular basis. Spends time with the new grandchild and does everything a grandmother should do but what she NEVER did with my children. They even drive out to Michigan to spend time with my brother's kids but remember my kids live 45 minutes away. I don't suppose I'm imagining the slight, do you???

The sad thing is that my kids have always felt the slight and I have tried to buffer them from it. Over the years they constantly commented on how Nana treated everyone else different from them and how she treats me different from my siblings and I've always made excuses and tried to deflect them from that thinking and reassuring them of her love. How dumb is that? What a joke. What a lie. What a life. For what? To let it all end like this?

Yesterday I became a motherless child. Something I will make sure my children never experience whether I live to see them grown or not, they will know that I was and I will be with them (through memories and in their hearts) loving them and supporting them forever.

99 Things I Ought To Have Done

2010-02-26T16:14:00.004-05:00

This was too cute not to do. It was a great way to see that I've done a lot more with my life than I originally thought.

Instructions: Copy the list, bold the ones you've done (with explanations if needed), share with friends.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (I drove up to the gates and took picture for my kids when I went to FL for business :-) Seriously, I have a great fear of going there. All those kids...
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm (the first 21 years of my life I hid under my bed or in a closet, when I became a parent I "got over" my fear)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon (I will run my first marathon on March 27, 2010)
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language (does pig-Latin count???)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance (car accident 2007)
47. Had your portrait painted (if those caricatures count)
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (my big toes will never be the same)
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle (I used to consider this better than sex then I met my husband...)
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life (does it count if you were the one doing the killing but changed your mind???)
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Book Review: Mom's Bible - God's Wisdom for Mothers

2010-02-26T15:57:00.004-05:00

The Mom’s Bible – God’s Wisdom for Mothers with Notes by Bobbie Wolgemuth is a must have for every mom. It doesn’t matter what religion you are or what version of the bible you prefer to read, this bible is the perfect companion to any scriptural library. It is published in the NCV format which is easy comprehension for anyone at any level. I’ve used it as a daily devotional, a study bible for passages needing clarity and a reference for help with situations arising with my children. I have been reassured of my worth as a mother in God’s eyes and given a guide to how to answer some of the tough questions my children ask regarding Jesus, God, the scriptures and how we are to apply the bible to our lives today.

The bible itself is hard back, which took a little getting used to, but very light and easy to carry. The pages are beautifully designed but a little thin so be careful when highlighting. I chose to underline instead so as not to have the bleed through. This bible offers something for all us mothers out there, whether it is from the introductions at the beginning of each chapter, to the Insights, the Walking in…, the Godly Character, Passing It On, Moms in the Bible, Wonderful Counselor, Questions Kids Ask, the Topical Index or the First Touch verses, there is much food for the weary, wounded and hungry soul of a mother. You can make it a daily devotional just by picking one of those topics and studying them along with your reading. I look forward to using this bible over and over throughout the years and recommend this to any “new” mom or “mom to be” who is looking for a firm foundation on which to build her family.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com <http://BookSneeze.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”